Parenting Your Emerging Adult

by Varda Konstam

  Another route Gina might benefit from is joining a program such as AmeriCorps or the Peace Corps, where she can reflect upon her life and feel productive, responsible and proud while gaining autonomy and self-respect. Dr. Bradley notes that these “real world” experiences can “gift their participants with powerful doses of selflessness, independence, perspective and even wisdom that can build their confidence enough to tackle the next step in their quests for autonomy. Those precious treasures can’t be found in an enabling parental home.”16 Going back to college or sharing a residence with roommates might be a more productive choice for Gina at this point in her life. Gina also could avail herself of career counseling services to help her find direction.

  Keith’s Story

  Some emerging adults test the boundaries despite their parents’ best efforts. Keith, a twenty-three-year-old recent college graduate, moved back in with his parents. Without a job, Keith had no means of supporting himself financially. After four months of searching for a job in marketing, his college major, Keith’s parents asked Keith to find a temporary job to cover his expenses while living at home. He resisted his parents’ requests, albeit in a passive-aggressive manner (for example, arriving late to a job interview). After several non-productive exchanges with Keith, it became clear to his parents that they needed to acknowledge that a breach in terms of expectations had occurred and that Keith would need to find an alternative living arrangement by a specified date that was mutually agreed upon.

  Given Keith’s gregarious and affable style, he was able to find a temporary living arrangement with friends. The new living arrangement facilitated his ability to become more focused and responsible in his job search. He was no longer able to give himself permission to act without a sense of urgency. He recognized that his friends’ generosity would be short-lived.

  Keith took a temporary job with a well-known food franchise, taking customer orders behind the counter. His personality was well suited for the job and his manager observed his well-honed people skills. Keith was offered a full-time position within six months, with the stated goal of entry into management training within the franchise. Keith had found his niche, although he did not rule out the possibility of returning to his first love, marketing, at a future date. Keith’s parents enjoyed the fruits of setting clear boundaries with Keith. Now Keith comes “home” for a comfort-food meal on a regular basis, an activity he and his parents heartily embrace.

  Keith’s parents understood that they needed to support Keith financially in his transition to the world of work. Co-residence was one way they declared their support. However, they also wisely recognized that perhaps they needed to help Keith in his desire to move toward financial autonomy.

  The process of negotiating finances between emerging adults and their parents is not an easy one. It is linked to family values and different ways of being a family. There is no one correct way to resolve how families negotiate finances with their emerging adults. However, the consequences of their actions should be open to observation and discussion.

  Structuring a Plan

  Many parents are fearful about the choices their emerging adult children are making. Although well-intentioned, parents may act in ways that are counterproductive and sabotage their goals for their emerging adult children. In their attempts to manage their fears, they often control, micromanage or withdraw their affection.

  A structured plan for the issues related to “second time around” situations can be effective in getting the relationship headed in the right direction. However, it is important to note that many families can do well with less structure. It depends on the emerging adult child, the family and the needs, resources and personalities of all the players involved. One prescription does not meet the needs of all parents and their emerging adults and conflict is likely to arise from time to time. Whether guidelines are managed formally or informally, some guidelines are helpful in order to assist all parties in negotiating a tricky and unpredictable journey.

  Chapter 9

  CONFLICT AND YOUR EMERGING ADULT

  Do you find yourself stuck in the same repeating arguments with your emerging adult? Do you hear yourself saying the same things over and over? Do you negatively entice each other in familiar ways? Do you get stuck on the same unmoving points every time you argue? Do you say hurtful or demeaning things you wish you wouldn’t say? Do you both walk away from conversations feeling frustrated, misunderstood and regretful? Do you feel that your exchanges are unproductive and destructive?

  Many parents of emerging adults have shared your frustration. Is there anything you can do about it? My research and counseling experience have indicated there are several steps that parents can take with their emerging adults to minimize the eruption of conflict and to defuse disagreements when they occur. Author William James sagely noted, “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”1

  Conflict between you and your emerging adult is inevitable. After all, you are two different people whose agendas often don’t align. But conflict can actually be helpful. It can serve to clarify vague issues in your relationship with your emerging adult child. Unfortunately, if not addressed carefully, it can also leave both of you feeling drained, demeaned and pessimistic about ever moving forward. No one wants a relationship defined by conflict and misunderstanding. Yet very often that is exactly what ends up happening, because people get locked into familiar patterns and won’t let go. Much of our next area of focus will be on becoming aware of and consciously altering some of those patterns.

  Hang in There

  As we begin this exploration, I urge you again to be optimistic. The intensity and frequency of conflict between you and your emerging adult will naturally subside over time.2 Right now your emerging adult feels a great deal of stress. The developmental demands of establishing a place in society, in relationships and in the working world are conducive to frequent bouts of conflict. As the parent who may be forcing your emerging adult’s hand toward making uncomfortable decisions, you are naturally the focus of much of his or her anger and displeasure.

  Once your emerging adult feels more comfortable with him or herself and clearer about the present and future, the tides of conflict will ebb. Disagreement will not stop, but its intensity and frequency will almost certainly lessen.

  Armed with this reassuring fact, let’s see what we can learn about dealing with conflict in the present. Are there ways to make conflict less hurtful, less intense and more productive?

  You and your emerging adult can engage in conflict, work through it and both come out feeling intact, connected, heard and respected. You are not required to lapse into destructive patterns that result in the hurling of insults. If managed well, conflict can become a welcome element in your relationship, one that leads both of you toward increased trust, closeness and understanding. The way you navigate conflict can greatly influence the speed at which your emerging adult moves to a place of self-acceptance and autonomy. Once your emerging adult arrives there, he or she will probably no longer feel the need to engage in frequent battles with you. The way you manage conflict can greatly affect its amount and duration.

  Getting in the Right Mindset

  Before we talk about specific improvements you can make, I’d like you to pause for a few moments and think about past conflict situations with your emerging adult. Replay the disagreements in your mind as clearly as you can. Recall an exchange with your emerging adult that did not go so well.

  •How was the topic of disagreement introduced?

  •What caused the exchange to spiral downward? What, if anything, led to escalating emotions, name calling, blame or accusations?

  •Was there “button pushing” involved for either of you? Which “buttons” and how?

  •Did the exchange feel like a “familiar dance” to you?

  •Was the conflict resolved or was it just put
on hold for another day?

  •How did you feel after the exchange? Why?

  •How could you have navigated the exchange differently?

  Now reflect on a conflict that led to a positive resolution, one in which you moved to a new understanding in your relationship.

  •How was the topic of disagreement introduced?

  •How was communication handled on both sides?

  •Was hurtfulness avoided? If so, how?

  •What was it about the way you negotiated the conflict that led to a successful encounter?

  •Was there anything surprising about the way the conflict was resolved?

  •Did you reach a new level of respect, tolerance, maturity, understanding, communication? If so, how did that come about?

  •What role did your son or daughter play in proposing the solution to the problem?

  What accounted for the different outcomes in these two scenarios? My guess is that the attitudes and behaviors each of you assumed in your successful encounter were quite different from those in your unsuccessful one. I also suspect that your successful exchange was characterized by one or more of these factors:

  •You managed to remain flexible and open, as opposed to entrenched and rigid.

  •You felt heard and respected by your emerging adult and vice versa.

  •You both contributed to the solution and were able to find common ground.

  •You were able to see things from your emerging adult’s perspective.

  •You managed to set judgment aside, at least partially.

  •You came away with increased mutual understanding and self-knowledge.

  •You listened more than lectured.

  •You grew closer through the exchange, rather than further apart.

  •You felt grateful afterwards, knowing that the disagreement was what moved you to a new place.

  Identifying the Dance Steps

  To understand how conflicts go wrong (and right), the first thing you need to do is to identify the “steps in the dance.” When you think about your conflicts with your son or daughter, you will probably notice that they tend to fall into patterns with predictable “dance steps.” Some of these steps might be present in your conflicts with other people; some may be particular to conflicts with your emerging adult. Once you learn to identify the habitual steps you engage in and how one step leads to another and triggers predictable reactions and counterreactions, you can begin to re-choreograph the dance.

  Awareness is the main key to unraveling the behavior and thought processes. If you really want to change your style of conflict management, you must first develop the habit of watching yourself. The next few times you find yourself spiraling into a familiar pattern of conflict with your emerging adult, observe yourself. You don’t need to do anything different, at least for now. Just allow your observing intelligence to step back and watch the “dance” with a measure of objectivity.

  Notice the triggers that “set you off.” Notice those that set off your emerging adult. Notice the patterns the exchange follows. See where the breakdowns occur.

  Later we will talk about how to change the dance; for now you simply need to be aware of it. If possible, solicit the insights and observations of someone you trust or perhaps another family member. Very often, the mere awareness of your own patterns will provide the solution and will tell you what to try differently the next time around.

  The goal here is not to eradicate conflict with your emerging adult, but rather to create a process whereby conflict is managed better, in a way that both you and your emerging adult feel heard, acknowledged and respected.

  Realistic Expectations

  Know from the outset that there are probably longstanding issues that will never change or will change only very slowly. For example, differences in temperamental style are not likely to change. Your “slob” son or daughter may be a “slob” for life; he or she may never meet your standards for cleanliness. A pessimistic child may never become a raving optimist, despite your hopeful lecturing. Acceptance of the other’s basic temperamental style and all the positives and negatives that go with it is crucial to finding a conflict management approach that works.

  When it comes to analyzing your “conflict dance,” perhaps you already know the steps quite well. What you may be unable to do, as of yet, is to insert new steps, such as agreeing to disagree or counting to ten. It is difficult to choose the “conscious path” rather than an emotionally cathartic release, such as shouting or insulting. These reactions may be momentarily gratifying, but in the end, they cause more damage. The conscious path can be enormously rewarding.

  Learning to manage conflict does not mean that you always give in to the other side. After all, you are entitled to your perspective, as is your emerging adult. What it does mean is that you give up the short-term gains of emotional release for the long-term gains of better understanding and a more respectful relationship.

  Honest differences can be acknowledged and less defensive postures can be taken. This will allow both of you to forge forward and honor the best in each of you. It all starts by allowing your emerging adult to be different from you. The more that your emerging adult is able to differentiate from you and the greater the clarity and understanding of who he is, the less your emerging adult will be inclined to engage in intense and frequent battles with you. The way you negotiate these arguments can either help or hamper your emerging adult in getting to this point.

  Caroline and Alicia Reardon

  By learning to recognize the steps in someone else’s dance, you may be better able to recognize your own. And in recognizing your steps, I am hopeful that you will come up with alternative choices that work better for your family. It’s time to look again at Caroline and her mother Alicia (chapter 1) and gain a deeper understanding of their conflict patterns.

  When we were introduced to Caroline and her mother, we had an opportunity to observe how they both contribute to an atmosphere of conflict. Each frustrates the other by adopting hardened positions. Caroline sees herself as an adult, because she has a job and is in graduate school. She believes her mother does not respect her and is constantly second-guessing her decisions, such as her plans to take a trip to Iceland. Consequently, Caroline resorts to lying to her mother.

  Caroline’s mother frets, because Caroline has not lasted longer than two years at a job. She believes her daughter to be irresponsible and out of touch with reality. Much of her viewpoint arises from the fact that Caroline has not attained the same milestones Alicia had reached at Caroline’s age: marriage, children, financial stability. Behind Alicia’s worries about her daughter’s fiscal “immaturity” lurk fears that Caroline will come running to her when she is unable to make ends meet. Just as Caroline resorts to lying in order to avoid confrontation over her financial decisions, Alicia resorts to nagging in order to head off possible confrontations over Caroline’s financial dependence.

  Caroline and Alicia each view the world through their respective lenses. Each clings rigidly to her position, convinced that the other is misdirected, misinformed and wrong. Their hardened postures result in frequent arguments and resentments. The tension between them is palpable.

  Consider these questions: Is Alicia being overly controlling and living in the past in terms of her expectations for Caroline? Is Caroline a coddled, entitled emerging adult with an unrealistic worldview? Is there hope for their relationship?

  New Beliefs Required

  I believe Alicia is locked in a nagging pattern with her daughter that is difficult for her to relinquish. Caroline, in turn, is locked in a rebellious, dependent, hostile stance. In reacting to this, Alicia becomes further entrenched in her position and escalates her nagging behavior, guided by the belief that she “cannot let Caroline fail.” The more she does this, the more distance Caroline wants to put between them.

  Let’s discuss how Alicia might come up with new attitudes and behaviors that will disrupt the familiar ones. There are two related b
eliefs that guide Alicia in her dealings with Caroline: “I cannot let Caroline fail” and “Caroline is not in charge of her life; both of us together are in charge of her life.” Alicia’s unwillingness to allow for the possibility of Caroline’s failure keeps her trapped in a suffocating posture. Alicia would feel less constrained and more empowered if she replaced the belief, “I cannot let her fail” with the belief, “Caroline must grow into her own life and choose her own path.” This one change might alter the way they relate to one another. Alicia needs to understand that although she is well-intentioned, she inadvertently communicates that Caroline will ruin her life. Caroline obligingly confirms Alicia’s worst expectations.

  Alicia must redefine potential failure for her daughter as an opportunity to grow, a toughening process that can lead to resilience, rather than a disaster to be avoided. She needs to have faith that even if Caroline does fail, she can and will get through it and emerge stronger on the other side. Her mother needs to tell Caroline that she will provide advice only if requested and that she has faith in Caroline to figure things out on her own. Caroline’s mastery of life will come in Caroline’s own time, in her own way, and her mother must accept that. Although Caroline may make mistakes along the way, she will also learn life lessons that will be valuable to her in the future.

  Presently, Caroline’s own set of beliefs fuels the conflict. She believes, for example, “I am entitled to my parents’ bailing me out whenever I’m in a financial bind. They’re my parents and that’s their job.” Implicit in this belief is that Alicia is not entitled to focus on her own needs, independent of Caroline. Yes, Caroline can imbibe alcoholic drinks if she wishes; it is her personal choice. But if there is a price attached to that, Caroline must be prepared to pay it. She cannot expect to have her parents bail her out at a moment’s notice, essentially serving as her interest-free personal loan officers whenever life doesn’t work out as she expects.