Parenting Your Emerging Adult

by Varda Konstam

  It is not clear to what extent Caroline really does expect her parents to bail her out and to what extent that is Alicia’s projected belief. But one thing is sure: Caroline cannot have it both ways. If she wishes to be treated as an adult, she needs to manage her financial affairs in a way that does not require bailouts. Substituting the belief, “I am responsible for the consequences of my financial decisions” for her old, dependent belief could alter the interchanges between Caroline and her mother.

  Lying’s Frustrations

  Lying adds a frustrating dimension to many interactions between parents and their emerging adult children. When lying becomes part of interactions between parents and emerging adults, each family member tends to blame the other for it. The emerging adult sees lying as an essential strategy when dealing with a parent who doesn’t respect his or her adult decision-making processes. The parent sees the lying as a character flaw and the fault of the emerging adult, a reason not to trust him or her.

  Lying creates a self-perpetuating cycle. Caroline has chosen to lie to her mother regarding the financing of the Iceland trip. Caroline’s choice to lie sets up a vicious cycle whereby Alicia is less likely to trust her daughter. Trust is a necessary foundation for a mutually respectful relationship. Alicia, in turn, becomes suspicious of Caroline, which triggers Caroline to be even more secretive and to lie more.

  A pattern of lying can destroy any hope for an honest adult relationship between two people. Both sides must take responsibility for changing it. Questions of autonomy often underpin lying. Parents need to recognize this. When autonomy questions (who is in charge of my life?) no longer dominate the relationship, emerging adults can move toward a less conflicted stance with their parents, a position that’s more like a friendship of “near equals.” When this occurs, emerging adults are less likely to lie. They are less prone to defend their positions and more likely to make decisions that genuinely reflect their own choices. In a relationship that is respectful—one that acknowledges differences without heavy judgment—emerging adults are likely to engage more honestly with their parents.

  Psychologically controlling parents pressure their children in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. They communicate that they do not respect their children’s values and needs. Under these conditions, emerging adult children are more likely to lie.3 I am not defending lying as a legitimate choice; I am stating that under certain conditions it is much more likely to occur.

  Freedom from guilt in the parental relationship is a great marker of an emerging adult’s ability to act independently and develop boundaries that propel the relationship in a positive direction.4 What does freedom from guilt imply? It implies an emerging adult who is comfortable with his choices, who is not directed by others and who is not ridden with fear about disappointing others. The self-directed emerging adult is differentiated from his parents, possesses unique perspectives and worldviews and is less prone to guilt. He or she is less likely to lie.

  A less controlling and more accepting atmosphere in the home will eventually lead to less lying. Be aware, however, that removing lying from a relationship may require a lengthy adjustment phase. During this phase, the parent must repeatedly demonstrate that she or he is able to accept the emerging adult’s decisions without condemnation, lecturing or judgment. The more your emerging adult is able to see that his or her adult decisions are being respected, the less your emerging adult will feel inclined to lie. This will likely be a slow process of growing trust, not an immediate change.

  Parental Controlling

  Controlling behavior on the part of parents stifles yearnings for autonomy and results in emerging adults being less in touch with their inner selves. Under controlling conditions, emerging adults have a harder time with commitments, in part due to the fear of failure.5 They tend to be anxious and indecisive. This touches off yet another vicious cycle: parents become exasperated by their emerging adults’ indecisive behavior. They respond by exerting pressure, which is likely to cause or exacerbate existing anxiety within the emerging adult, which leads to more indecisiveness. This, in turn, raises the parents’ anxiety level, which increases their tendencies to control.

  The important message is that parents are an influencing force, for better or worse. A controlling style of behavior on your part, particularly at this important developmental stage, is counterproductive even if you think you know better. You may very well know better. After all, life has taught you lessons. But that is not the point. You need to know that getting decisions right is not necessarily the most important factor. What is important is putting decisions in the right hands, that is, your emerging adult’s. Giving up control is essential. If asked for directions, you should provide them, but only if asked. Always release the final decision into the hands of your emerging adult.

  Alicia automatically resorts to controlling. Her daughter Caroline’s “irresponsible” behavior then increases Alicia’s anxiety and need to control. The steps her mother takes to control Caroline are maladaptive. Alicia needs to change her belief that she can control Caroline by “stopping her from failing.” Only then will Caroline be able to begin the difficult process of examining herself and her motives and actions. I am not blaming Alicia, just pointing out that in her role as parent she can examine her motives, beliefs and behaviors and begin changing the steps in their behavior and attitude. Most likely, Caroline will respond with new moves of her own.

  Caroline currently assumes a reactive stance, bypassing the emotional work she needs to do to become a more differentiated, self-aware adult. If both the controlling and the reacting can be removed from this relationship, it can gradually move toward a more egalitarian, trusting situation that more closely approximates a friendship of near equals.

  On Blaming

  Blaming, like lying, is a trust killer that needs to be overcome before a mutually respectful relationship can blossom between you and your emerging adult. Ask yourself this question: Do you tend to see all the conflict that occurs between you and your emerging adult as his or her fault? The blame game is easy but counterproductive. Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, identifies key traits of “the Blamer,” including:

  •responds to anxiety with emotional intensity and fighting;

  •has a short fuse;

  •tends to expend a lot of energy trying to change someone who does not want to change;

  •engages in repetitive cycles of fighting that relieve tension but perpetuate the old pattern;

  •holds others responsible for own feelings and actions;

  •sees others as the obstacle to making changes.6

  Do these traits remind you of anyone? Alicia? Caroline? You, perhaps?

  Alicia tends to blame Caroline for all the difficulties in their relationship and fails to see her own role in their interchanges. Caroline also plays the blame game. So whose job is it to change? Both parties are going to need to make the effort but, in most cases, it’s appropriate for the parent to take the lead. Why? As the “senior” and more seasoned party, the parent is in a better position to set the right tone. The parent is the one with the longstanding authority in the relationship and, as hard as it may be to admit as a parent, the parent has contributed to setting its patterns. With that in mind, let’s examine the Reardons’ interactions further and suggest new strategies and techniques to change the way they relate.

  New Strategies

  The first thing Alicia needs to do is to make the conscious decision not to respond reflexively when Caroline discusses her plans. This is extremely important. When Caroline announces that she is going on a trip to Iceland, Alicia might try counting to ten in order to give herself a chance to reflect rather than react. Then she could more effectively insert a new, planned reaction, like this:

  Iceland can be a very exciting place to visit, with lots of opportunities for doing many neat things. Caroline, I know I’ve fallen into the habit of reacting angrily about
money matters and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m trying to change my ways and I hope that we can have a more mature relationship that does not shortchange you and your abilities. So I’m going to assume you’ve worked out the financial aspects of the trip for yourself. I need you to know that I won’t be paying for your choices any longer, because I expect you to assume responsibility for the decisions you make. But I’d love to hear more about what you will be visiting and doing while you are there.

  It is amazing how much maturity emerging adults can show when they undertake responsibility for making decisions. Alicia is not “holding the clock still.”7 Rather she is letting her daughter move on in her life and assume the risks, rewards and responsibilities of adult choice-making.

  My Own Dances

  Let me share a conflict I recently had with my emerging adult son. After making breakfast for himself, he left a slew of pots and pans in the sink for me to wash, knowing that he is expected to clean up after himself. I expressed my annoyance and he claimed there was no dishwashing detergent. In my anxiousness to tidy up, I showed him that while it was true there was very little detergent, there was certainly enough to get the job done. When he made no reply I started brusquely washing the dishes myself.

  This is a reaction I fall into easily. My need for order and cleanliness prevents me from being thoughtful about my actions and I automatically step in and do the cleanup work. My son ups the ante, becoming defensive and saying, “Are you calling me incompetent?” I hold back expressing my annoyance, but my posture and facial expression clearly say otherwise. In these interactions, I feel my anger rising. I am not his servant.

  What might I do differently to change our interchanges?

  In a calm and non-sarcastic voice, I could suggest that if there is not enough detergent he could perhaps go to the store to buy some. (In which case, something tells me he would manage to coax another load out of the existing detergent.) This reaction places appropriate adult expectations on him, without my making judgments about his competence.

  Ryan, Joe and Maria Collins’s Story

  Joe and Maria Collins are the parents of Ryan, a twenty-five-year-old college graduate who majored in philosophy and is currently living at home. He returns home on a revolving-door basis, “crashing” with friends when he needs a respite from his anxious parents. Ryan’s attempts to launch himself have been unsuccessful to date. He has had a series of dead-end jobs that have been unfulfilling, tedious and demeaning. Ryan either quits or is fired, after which he returns to the nest to regroup.

  Much of the day-to-day parenting becomes Maria’s responsibility, because Joe travels frequently for his job. Maria becomes increasingly agitated with Ryan’s sedentary lifestyle: sleeping until noon and socializing with friends until the early hours of the morning. She doesn’t think that Ryan is accomplishing enough during the day, particularly given his stated goal of finding a job and developing a career path. What typically ensues is a litany of accusations and blame, which just escalates the conflict.

  Ryan then takes a job to quell his parents’ anxieties as well as to avoid his mother’s increased agitation. Eventually he loses the job, because he sees it as pointless, and the cycle repeats. Currently, they are at a place in the cycle where, according to Maria, “He is taking his sweet time organizing his résumé and sending it out.” Ryan asserts that he will not take a job that is demeaning to him. All the while, Joe and Maria Collins are supporting Ryan financially during periods of unemployment.

  Common Themes, Common Solutions

  Both Ryan and Caroline are engaged in nonproductive, repetitive cycles that leave the family members frustrated. In both scenarios, Alicia Reardon and Joe and Maria Collins are doing the same old things, unable to find their ways out of constricting behaviors that don’t provide them with opportunities to progress.

  As mature adults, parents have a repertoire of skills, many of which are underutilized. They frequently impose rigid steps, rather than taking time to identify negative behaviors and come up with new ones. Again, all it often takes is a pause and a little awareness. Let’s see what a new exchange between Ryan and his parents might look like.

  At the point that Ryan’s mother recognizes her increased agitation, she can recruit her husband’s advice to assist her with Ryan, whether or not he is away on a business trip. Using technology (i.e., a phone or text message) she can bring Ryan’s father in on the discussion. This may help decrease her agitation, which is partially due to her feeling that she is alone to deal with their emerging adult. Making decisions in an agitated state does not allow Maria Collins’s best problem-solving skills to emerge.

  As another alternative, Ryan’s mother might choose to wait and speak with Ryan upon Joe’s return. The conversation might start like this:

  Ryan, I know we’ve gotten into many arguments about the hours you keep and the efforts you’re making to find a decent job. We don’t want to get into control struggles with you anymore or to judge you. How you live your life is up to you. But we are unwilling to continue to support you financially at age twenty-five. Do you have suggestions as to how we can find a reasonable solution?

  Joe and Maria Collins, by keeping the focus entirely on their own needs, can avoid taking a judgmental or accusatory stance. They can point out that Ryan is welcome to remain in their home, provided he pays rent and participates in running the household. They can tell him that the current arrangement isn’t working for them and ask for his suggestions in fixing it. Joe and Maria can ask for Ryan’s input as to a date by which he will either move out or start paying rent. They can solicit his ideas about the contributions he would like to make to the household. Without resorting to blaming or labeling him, they can take responsibility for the part they have played in fostering his dependence:

  Ryan, we love you and we’ve tried to be good parents, but we feel we haven’t done the best job in some areas. For one thing, we feel we’ve helped to create a sense of dependency on us by letting you live here without clear expectations. That’s our fault and we want to change it. We’re willing to give you a period of adjustment to our new expectations and we’re also willing to make the changes on a staggered schedule. But we do expect changes to happen. What would work best for you in terms of a time frame? How can you help us redefine our relationship in a more adult way?

  Accepting responsibility for your part in creating the current conditions and keeping the focus on your own needs will go a long way toward defusing conflict and creating a productive two-way conversation. The only requirement is that you have to be willing to give up the needs to be right and to designate your son or daughter wrong.

  Are you willing to do that in the service of moving forward?

  On Remaining Silent

  In speaking of their emerging adult children, I often hear parents share the advice, “You just have to bite your tongue.” What does that mean if taken metaphorically?

  It suggests a situation in which you are not free to express an opinion and must suppress yourself. It also carries with it a superior attitude, a sense that “I know better, but I’m choosing not to speak.” “Biting your tongue” is usually preferable to venting without restraint, which provides a cathartic experience but may hurt and demean the other. “Biting your tongue” is a common but non-helpful metaphor we tend to use.

  However, it is still a limited and limiting reaction.

  Frequently at the heart of “biting your tongue” is a message that suggests: “You are wrong, but in the interest of keeping the peace I’m not going to say that.” That is the true message underlying your behavior; it is the message that is understood by the receiver.

  “Biting your tongue” is very different from exercising restraint, giving yourself time to reflect, listening carefully and trying to see the world from your emerging adult’s perspective. What I am recommending is recognizing that you’re agitated and taking the time to reflect and think about predictable responses in your exchanges with your son or daug
hter. Realize that these exchanges will lead to an escalation in conflict and try a different strategy that may lead to alternative responses.

  As we discuss this point, I am reminded of an old Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza suddenly realized that every instinct he had was wrong. As an experiment, he began pausing in the middle of interactions and asking aloud, “What would George normally do in this situation?” When he identified his usual behavior, he proceeded to do the opposite. His life changed dramatically for the better, at least temporarily. It was funny but instructive. We often fall into classic patterns of self-defeating behavior whereby we keep doing the same things but expecting different results. Consciously adopting a new way of reacting is an antidote to the old negative ones.

  So take a time out when you need one. When you hear your internal voice telling you, I’m going to say something that I will regret, something that will run counter to how I wish to be, STOP. Pause. Reflect. Remember that the aim is to have your emerging adult child become clearer about his point of view, more confident in his sense of self and his judgment. It is not about selling him on your point of view.

  Before speaking, ask yourself the question: Is this a good time to be critical, given what I know about positive relationships? Along those same lines, here are other considerations to keep in mind, suggested by John Gottman and Nan Silver, authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: