Bad Dad

by Sloane Howell

  Joe came in behind me. He had a cut above his left eye where I’d caught him with a right cross. We still had our gloves on.

  He’d wanted me to stay out there and keep going, but I couldn’t. I’d stumbled into the house. It was a fruitless endeavor. He had to see that. I could barely stand, and I calculated that I’d thrown roughly a thousand punches that day, plus three full workouts, plus an hour of meditation where I could barely hold my eyes open and was pretty sure I slept through it.

  My right shin was purple where I’d kicked a tree until it toppled over.

  “Done already, asshole?”

  “It’s ten o’clock. I’ll be ready in the morning.”

  I walked down the hall and took a seat in the chair in front of Logan’s door. Cora slept in my bedroom. Joe shook his head and walked off to the kitchen, mumbling. I sat there for a while. Sweat poured down my face and I wiped it away with my training gloves. I was too tired to take them off. Too tired to even fall asleep. Everything ached down to my fingertips. I stared at a picture on the wall and saw three of the same photo. Black spots danced in my peripheral vision.

  Logan’s door eased open and he looked up at my face and then down at my leg. “Dad?” He rubbed his eyes with his fists and then they widened at the sight of me.

  “Heys, buddy. Go backs to—”

  My words slurred together. I reached out to hug him and collapsed on the floor in front of his feet. It must’ve made a god-awful thump. I sprawled out on the carpet and couldn’t move.

  Logan jumped on top of me and shook my head back and forth. He screamed, “Daddy!” It sounded like he was in a tunnel a hundred yards away. I heard a door.

  “Oh my God!” Cora sprinted over and fell on her knees next to Logan. Her hand smacked me on the cheek.

  “Watch out.” Joe walked down the hallway with a plastic cup.

  A wave of ice water slammed into my face. I shivered, and the world barely came back into focus. Voices seemed to slowly approach from far off in the distance. Joe got smaller as he walked down the hall. My wits returned, and the voices grew louder and coherent.

  Logan wrapped his arms around my neck when I sat up. He sobbed. “Daddy?”

  Cora had a hand over her mouth.

  “He needs the day off tomorrow.” Cora glared at Joe.

  He stood there, admiring his work with a smile on his face. Maybe this was his plan. He told me it wouldn’t be physical torture. He’d let me stumble inside and wake up my family. I could’ve handled the physical aspects. Could’ve handled being waterboarded. He’d probably had this all planned out down to the minute.

  He shook his head at her. “No way.”

  “Fine. Morning. Train.” I tried to stand up and dropped back to my knees.

  Logan squeezed me tighter and I felt a tear drop onto my leg. I hoped it was just my sweat, but my eyes rolled over and saw the shiny vertical trail from the corner of his eye.

  “Daddy, please. I want to play with you tomorrow. I miss you.”

  “Buddy, I can’t.” I stood up and hesitated. I tried to step toward my room and paused for a second.

  “You can barely walk.” Cora’s eyes stared daggers at Joe as she talked out of the corner of her mouth. “This is insane. He’s going to kill you before you ever even get to fight.”

  Joe stood there, smiling. He was oblivious to how they were reacting. This was normal for him.

  Logan sniffled. “I want you to play with me. I want to wrestle or go to the park. I don’t care. Please!”

  I dropped my limp hand onto his head and tried to mess his hair up like I always did. A dense haze still fogged around my brain.

  Logan sobbed. “After tomorrow I’ll take care of everything. I’ll watch over the house. I’ll be a good boy. I-I promise. I’ll b-be your big man. The man of the house like you told me. P-please, Daddy? Please?”

  My head cleared, and my wits returned.

  Joe smirked at the end of the hallway and glanced down at Logan. “At least there’s one man in this house. Someone who can step up and handle shit.”

  Cora’s face turned fiery red. I could hear Janet hollering something behind Joe. He must’ve woken her up from the couch.

  Cora stood in front of me. I could practically see the steam coming out of her ears. She shook her head at Joe and gritted her teeth.

  He shrugged at me. “At least someone will be around who can take care of your family after they mop your sorry ass off that mat.”

  Cora was about to yell something at Joe when I hobbled in front of her.

  My palm plastered against the wall to hold me up. I leaned on it at an angle and staggered down the hallway toward Joe. Cora hollered something, but I had to divert a hundred percent of my focus on walking to Joe. My head started to spin. Water, blood, and sweat mixed together and streamed down my face as I slowly made my way down the hall. I licked my upper lip and tasted metal and salt.

  When I reached him, I shoved off the wall one-handed and held my balance. Wobbled in front of his face like a bobble head doll. I shook my head wildly and grunted, trying to rid my brain of the haze. “Outside. Now.”

  “What? What are you talking about? Landon?” Cora screamed at me from the end of the hallway next to Logan.

  I whipped my head back to them. Clenched my jaw and growled, “Stay in the house!”

  Janet blew past us and she and Cora took Logan into his room.

  Joe shrugged. “Let’s go, asshole.” He led the way.

  I staggered behind.

  “Not even gonna make it to the fight. I’m about to put an end to your ass right now.”

  I didn’t respond. Didn’t even know if I could form a sentence.

  We made it down the steps and Joe took his right hand and cracked his neck to the side on his way out to the front yard.

  I needed water—bad. I was dehydrated and hurt. My muscles would cramp soon. Asking for water would’ve shown weakness. It’d have been met with more ridicule from Joe. I was far beyond my limits and didn’t care. All I thought about was tearing Joe’s face off his skull. It was exactly what he wanted, but I didn’t give a shit. He just scared my family to death.

  When you’re at your most vulnerable point is when you show your true character. The human body is capable of a thousand times more than we think. Pain was nothing but a signal from the brain. I just had to block it out.

  He stood about five feet away and laughed at me while I swayed back and forth, side to side. I could barely hold my fists up in a fighting position.

  His arms dangled out to the side and he bounced around, taunting me. Didn’t even bother to put up a guard. “Take your best shot, asshole. Let’s see what you got.”

  I put everything I had into a punch and he stepped out of the way. Shoved me past him like he was swatting a fly. I slammed into the ground and heard him snicker. Didn’t even know if I could push myself back up. I’d just wasted all my energy on that one attempt. My breathing was labored, and the world seemed to rotate around me. Drool ran from my mouth and dangled from my lip down onto the grass.

  “C’mon, asshole!” He shoved my ass with his foot and drove me straight back down when I tried to lift up.

  I finally soldier-crawled a few yards away and made my way up on all fours. As soon as I turned my head his fist met my face. Saliva and blood slung out the side of my mouth and my head jerked sideways. My whole body went numb like he’d just severed my spine and I crashed back into the grass about a foot from the driveway.

  Joe circled around to the gravel in front of me.

  “Love tap, pussy. Get up.”

  I shook my head.

  “I said get up, asshole! You ran your mouth! Called me out here! Get the fuck up, soldier!” He kicked a cloud of dirt and rocks in my face. It mixed with my blood and sweat and caked to my cheeks.

  I coughed, and snot oozed out of my nose, probably right along with another pint of blood.

  I tried to push myself up. I made it about four inches off the ground be
fore my arms gave out. I shook my head. “I-I can—”

  The front door swung open. My cheek was plastered to the ground and I stared up at the porch. Cora started out toward us, but she froze and covered her mouth with her palm. Why was she out there?

  “Oh good. She’s watching.” Joe walked over to me. Straddled my back with a foot on each side. He bent down and wrenched my head up by the neck. His forearm wrapped tight around my throat.

  I couldn’t breathe. I swatted at his arm, but it did nothing.

  “Look at her.” He growled and pummeled my face with his free hand. My head jarred back against him. Joe didn’t stop. He hammered me repeatedly while Cora watched it all from the front porch.

  More blood spewed out of my nose.

  Cora shrieked.

  Joe whipped his head up to her. “Watch this.” He laughed and slammed me with another fist. My face—hell, my whole body—went limp against his arm. I saw double and tried to focus my vision. Couldn’t even feel his punches anymore.

  “Stop! Please God! Stop!” Tears streamed down Cora’s face.

  Joe belted out a laugh that echoed off into the darkness. “Oh, I’m just getting started.” He hammered me with a burst of three punches. They came like lightning strikes.

  I didn’t feel any of them. Just lay there while my face absorbed each one.

  “Please.” My word was muffled.

  “You say something, asshole?” He bent down and screamed it in my ear.

  I tried to roll my eyes over to Cora. “In-inside.” I barely croaked out the word.

  Joe leaned down in my ear. “Ohh, you want her to go inside? Want her to go inside, Landon? Protect her from what she’s seeing right now? You think Sid won’t do this to you in front of your whole damn family? Oh yeah, this is just a fucking warmup.” He looked up at Cora. “You should see what Sid will do in the ring. This out here is the least of your problems!”

  I glanced to the side and saw Logan watching through his window. His palm was on the glass and tears ran down his face. He was trembling. I tried to slap at Joe’s arm, but he was oblivious.

  I shook my head and tried to scream but Joe tightened his forearm. The sound caught in my throat. I tried to hold my hand out at Logan. I’d never seen him so scared. I wanted to hold him. I needed to be in the chair outside his door while he slept. I had to protect him from this. From everything. His innocence disappeared in front of me and I couldn’t contain it. Couldn’t get it back for him.

  The whole sky crashed down on me. My body weighed a thousand pounds. Part of me wished Joe would just kill me. My eyes rolled over to Cora again. “In-ins—” I paused and tried to swallow. I coughed dust and blood all over my chin. “In-in-s-side.” The word sputtered off my lips.

  I couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe.

  Joe whispered in my ear. “I wonder what Sid will do to your lady up there once he’s done with you?” He laughed. “He’s been on the island for so long. Edmon’ll probably give her to him as a prize. He’s been alone for a while. Has needs. Animalistic urges, you know?”

  “S-stop. P-please.”

  He wrenched my neck tighter. “You know what you have to do, soldier. Stop fucking around.”

  I stared up at Cora. Why was she still out there? Janet pulled Logan away from the window. He was bawling.

  A surge of anger and adrenaline burst through my veins, but I harnessed it, kept it buried inside. I knew I only had one chance to use it. I wanted to kill Joe. His death was the only thing on my mind. But the more I fought, the more energy I expelled. He choked me harder and harder. Wrenched my neck tighter and tighter—until I was on the verge of blacking out.

  All at once, a calm and serene feeling came over me, and I thought I might be dead, or very close to it. Everything from the island flashed before my eyes. My family disappeared from my thoughts. Everything cleared but my training. What I was designed for. I was back there. The waves of the beach crashed in my ears, and I tasted the frigid saltwater. Saw the razor wire. Sulfur landed in my nose. The heat of the volcano rose through the ground and warmed my chest.

  Joe kept his head right above mine. He kept saying words that meant nothing to me. “You’re pathetic. A failure.” He knew exactly what he was doing. He was pushing me as far as I could go. Past my limits.

  I focused everything I had on one burst. I’d only get one chance and I had to make it count. Everything I had inside me—focus, energy, strength—it all honed in on that single moment.

  His grip loosened, barely.

  I flung my head back. Channeled the energy of every electron and willed the spin of every particle of every atom in my body. Harnessed the sum of every ounce of power that I’d saved up into the attempt. My neck tightened. Jaw clenched. He leaned down toward me to say something at the same exact time.

  I used his own momentum against him. The back of my head needed to occupy the space where his face would be. In the land of physics, there’d only be one winner after the two forces collided.

  I exploded up into him. My head drove back through his face. His nose crunched against the rear of my skull.

  His forearm released my neck, and oxygen rushed into my lungs. I gasped for air and dropped chest-first onto the ground.

  Joe reeled backward and landed flat on his back with a thud. “Son of a—”

  I made my way to my feet. Had no idea how I did it. I stood there, staggering. Joe’s mouth gushed blood and his nose was crooked like a lightning bolt. It looked broken in at least two places.

  He pawed at his face and his hand steadied on his nose. He let out a guttural roar, twisted it sideways, and set the bone.

  I laughed. Didn’t know why. Blood streamed down my face and dripped onto the ground. I laughed, harder.

  Joe grinned back at me. He saw the darkness. He stared harder and I knew he was watching the waves crash in my eyes. The bright green auroras dancing around in the polar night sky. It was just him and me in the black sand. The grass was gone. My house and family—gone. Waves hammered the beach. The belly of lava ran hot behind us. The ground was an inferno and my face ice-cold. Salty mist swirled up into my nostrils and I breathed it in. He’d taken me back.

  He smiled. “Maybe you’re not so worthless.”

  The door on the front porch slammed and rocked me back into the present. Cora had her bag and her keys. My head turned and followed her path. She marched to her car and wiped tears from her eyes.

  “Cora!” I glanced to her and then up to Logan’s window to make sure he wasn’t watching again.

  Cora didn’t turn to look at me. She stomped toward her car, sobbing uncontrollably. I hobbled over toward her, but she was way faster.

  “Man, you got me good.” Joe kept his hand plastered to his face.

  I glanced back at him and kept heading toward Cora. “Wait.”

  “Not now. I need some air.”

  “I told you it’d be like this. I told you to stay in the house. You didn’t listen.”

  She whirled around and glared at Joe and then back at me. Her eyes were damn near swollen shut like she’d been stung by a thousand bees. Cheeks were puffy. She could barely even speak.

  She stood there for a second, alternating her stares between Joe and me. “He’s a fucking psycho!”

  Joe had walked over to the house and leaned up against the wall on the porch. “We’re all psychos, sweetheart.”

  I glared back at him. He held up both hands and turned to walk inside the house.

  Cora stood there and shook her head at me. She took a deep breath and schooled her features. “Just give me twenty minutes. Please? I’ll come right back. I just need a quick break from this.” She ducked down into the car.

  “Cora, c’mon.”

  I heard the transmission shift into reverse.

  She rolled down her window after she took another deep breath. She reached out and put a hand on my forearm. “I just need some air. And away from him for a minute.” It looked like maybe she’d calmed a little.
>
  She faked a smile for me, but I appreciated the effort. I knew this was hard for her.

  She stared. “I promise. Not going anywhere but around the block.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  She reversed out the driveway, and then disappeared into the night.

  Joe walked back out the door like he’d been waiting for her to go. I couldn’t help but think maybe he was a little scared of her. “She’ll come around. You’ll both thank me for that one day.”

  I stared at Joe and he gave me the look. The look that said you’re back. He wasn’t wrong. My chest heaved up and down with each breath but my body, my senses—they felt alive for the first time since I left the island. My pain and weariness, it all faded. Something stronger than morphine rushed through my veins.

  Joe grinned.

  I couldn’t help but return his smile, a little. “You made some enemies around here.”

  “It’s for the best. Someone has to prepare them.”

  “I don’t know. Logan was watching from his window.”

  His eyes shot open wide. “What?”

  I nodded at him. “He saw most of it.”

  Joe clutched a palm to his forehead. “Fuck.”

  I EASED MY WAY THROUGH Logan’s door.

  He was bawling in Janet’s lap—shaking.

  “Buddy.” I held out a hand. I’d washed the blood off my face and arms with a towel before I walked back.

  He shook his head and buried his face into Janet’s side.

  My heart shattered into a million pieces. “It’s okay.”

  “Just go.” Janet shot a glare at me.

  I couldn’t believe she let him watch through the window like that, but I didn’t want to argue with her in front of him.

  I glanced down to her hands and they trembled.

  I didn’t know what to do. I’d never dealt with something like this with my family. I knew one thing, though—I was responsible. I was the one who brought this on everyone. I also knew I was the one who had to make the tough decisions. Maybe it was good that they saw. They would have to fall in line. Even Logan. As much as it tore my heart out of my chest, fear was in his future. I couldn’t shield him from it.