Her Secret Past

by Christine Sterling

  Samantha felt sad and angry. She wanted to cry at her misfortune and yell at him for being so callous towards her. Her husband had died, left her alone without so much as a goodbye. All his Hannah Rose did was leave him for someone else. It was nowhere near the same. Was he just so prideful he couldn’t muster the courage, to be honest with her?

  Luckily, their destination loomed in the distance. They kept quiet for the remainder of the ride. As soon as the wagon came to a stop, she jumped off before he had time to help her. They stared at each other for what felt like forever, as Samantha kept the tears at bay. He looked like he wanted to say something to her, but all he could do was grasp a small tendril of her hair that had escaped her updo. She hated the way it made her feel, the jolt of electricity shooting through her veins when she had just been thinking about James. She pushed his hand away and trudged up the steps to their house, where she would attempt to wash some more dishes. It was all she could think to do.

  Chapter 7

  True to his word, Tom secured Samantha the assistant cooking job. Because it would be too much for Seth to ride into town every day with Samantha, Tom arranged for her to stay in town at the hotel while she endured three days of learning. It would be the first time they would be away from each other for any length of time, and at first, Seth welcomed it. There had been an icy divide between them since the wagon ride from town after the dress fittings. He knew he had been wrong and shouldn’t have spoken it to her in that way or in those words, even if he had meant every word.

  For two days, she ignored him all day, except to answer his brief questions and she had refused to eat dinner at all with him, retiring to her room early. He wondered if she was hungry that first night, but when he found the bread out the next morning, he resolved his wife was eating, just not with him. He was hoping the break would thaw whatever was going on between them and honestly, he was going to enjoy the time away from her.

  But then something strange happened, as he laid in bed that first night away from her. He was starting to miss her. Little moments played in his mind. Her smiling, wisps of her hair floating in the wind as she hung the laundry out to dry. Her adorably frustrated face when she was trying to cook a meal without burning it. The way she looked at him with an inherent wonder when he explained a project for her to do on the farm. He felt the loss of her warmth from the other side of the bed.

  He was still thinking about her the next day that he almost tripped over a fence post on his way to the barn. “Are you ok?” Tom asked as he set down the barrels of hay he was carrying. “You’ve been walking around looking lost all day.”

  Tom didn’t have work in town and was visiting to help spruce up the farm. They were carrying hay barrels into the barn to stack. Seth the hay down next to Tom’s and sat on top of it. “Nothing is wrong.”

  Tom raised his eyebrow and took a seat next to him. “Sir, I’ve known you for a long time and you are never this out of sorts. Your mind is elsewhere.”

  Seth sighed and took his hat off, wiping the sweat from his forehead behind his hand. He didn’t want to admit his feelings, let alone to his best friend. “I’m just not feeling myself today.”

  Tom’s eyes twinkled. “You miss her, don’t you?”

  “No!” Seth went on to protest, a little too forcefully which made Tom’s grin wider. “I don’t miss her,” he said softly.

  “You do! You miss her!” Tom slapped Seth’s back. “This is wonderful.”

  Puzzled, Seth turned to his friend, his eyes casting doubt on Tom’s exclamation. “How is this wonderful?”

  “It’s wonderful because it means you can care about someone else. I was so worried about you after what happened with Hannah Rose-who was no good for you, lest you forget my feelings.”

  Yes, Seth remembered Tom’s feelings. He had told her she was nothing more than a social climber looking for her way out of her situation. They had numerous arguments about Seth’s intentions.

  “It’s one of the reasons why I made you do that advertisement in the first place. Don’t give me that look,” added Tom, taking Seth’s eye-roll. “You were hopeless. You were moping around this place like you had lost your puppy. Taking whatever affection you could get, from women you wouldn’t have looked twice at.” Seth involuntarily shook at the memory.

  The first weeks were harder; he was so sad and lonely he took comfort in any woman who gave him any attention. He had made some questionable judgments he regretted, especially when these women wanted something more that he couldn’t give. “Yeah, I’ve looked twice at them, but I’m a cad.”

  “And then Samantha came along. I can’t believe how lucky you are. I’ve seen many women come off that train, coming here on contracts to find men. But none of them look like her; I’m definitely envious.” Jealously clawed at Seth’s stomach at Tom’s remark, but he pushed it down. He told himself that his best friend was just admiring his wife’s beauty and nothing more. “And she’s just so different. She’s not quiet. She’s a fiery spirit, that one. I’ve seen her at the hotel. She’s a force to be reckoned with.”

  Tom set a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “She’s what you need. What this farm needs. Someone who can challenge you, not cave to your every whim. I thought you might need a docile wife, someone to take care of you. But you don’t need that. You need something else. You need her.”

  They both stared at each other for a long time. Seth couldn’t believe how thoughtful his friend was being; he wasn’t usually this astute. “And I still don’t understand why you haven’t gone further either. If I was her husband, I would take what I’m owed.”

  And with one simple statement, he was back to the old Tom. Seth slapped the back of his friend’s back as Tom sheepishly looked at him. “What? I’m just saying what you are thinking.”

  Tom got up to go grab more hay while Seth sat there wondering. He was finally able to admit to himself that she was more to him than some contracted bride. She had done things to him he didn’t know was possible. But could he say it out loud? Could he admit it to her? There was only one way to find out as he smiled to himself, stepping off from the hay bale. He was going to visit his wife tonight.

  Samantha entered her room, exhausted from another hard day’s work. The man who owned the hotel, Henry Higgins (or as Seth referred to him, “Old Man Higgins”) was a hard man to work for. He barked orders at her left and right. He said things so fast her head was spinning. The first day was a disaster. While she didn’t light anything on fire, she did burn a few things and left out some key ingredients so the soup she tried to make tasted like sludge. But she got up that morning, putting on her best face and walked back into that kitchen. She thought Mr. Higgins might have thought she’d give up, but she was no quitter. She worked even harder, paying attention to everything he said and today, the food wasn’t as bad as the day before. The food was edible at least and she’d even go so far as to say she had impressed him.

  Her bones ached as she started to disrobe. As she was slipping into her nightgown, she heard a hushed knock on her door. She whipped around, staring at it. Who could it be? She wasn’t expecting anyone. “Samantha?” she heard on the other side of the door. The voice sounded an awful lot like her husband. But he was supposed to be on the farm.

  There was a more forceful knock. “Samantha? It’s Seth. I was wondering if you would let me in.” There was no mistake now and she was jolted by his presence outside her door. She was so busy these past two days, she didn’t spare much thought for him. Because when she did, her stomach hollowed and she felt a loss. She had been so hurt by his words, more so than she wanted to admit and thinking about him just made her hurt worse.

  But now, with his warmth only a few feet from her, she felt exhilarated and she hated herself for it. She stepped closer to the door and she heard his boot tapping on the ground. It was a tick he did when she knew he was getting impatient. She knew she had to open the door soon or those walking down the hall would wonder what he was doing outside her door.
And she knew how Seth didn’t like people to know they were together. Sighing to herself, she begrudgingly opened the door.

  Standing there in her doorway was her handsome husband. How was it possible for a man to get more attractive in a few days’ time? It had only been two days, but for her, it felt like a lifetime. And he looked so good, standing there, she felt the urge to kiss him. Samantha caught herself though; she had never had that feeling before, for anyone. Seth smiled a lopsided grin. “Could I come in?”

  Realizing that he had asked her to come in, she moved aside and he strode into the room. He was such a big man that the room seemed smaller with him in it. He turned to look at her, and she felt naked under his gaze. She realized he hadn’t really seen her in her nightgown before, with the lengths she went to hide her body from him in her fear of intimacy. He seemed at a loss for words, staring at her like she was the most beautiful thing on earth. She pinked a bit at the thought but shook her head to dispel it. He would probably have the same look for any female with half the amount of clothing. “Seth, what brings you here?”

  Took off his hat and placed it on the drawers next to the bed. He sat on the bed and motioned for her to sit next to him. She took her place at the spot he gestured to but made sure there was enough space between them. “I wanted to see how you were doing and if Old Man Higgins was taking care of you.” Samantha bristled at Seth’s name call, but he ignored it. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, before speaking again. “And if I’m going to be perfectly honest, I missed you.”

  Samantha was taken aback. “You missed me?”

  “Yes,” he said softly, as he turned to stare at her eyes. “I missed having you around. I know we’ve only been together for a brief time, but I’ve become accustomed to your presence.”

  Samantha was at a loss for words. He didn’t seem to notice as he continued, “I want to apologize to you for my harsh words. I shouldn’t have said them to you, especially in that way.”

  Seth’s hand strayed on the bed next to hers and she moved her hand to encompass his. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed. When you are ready to speak of her, you’ll tell me.”

  “And I should do the same for you. When you want to discuss your husband, I’ll be here. But I won’t press any further until you want to.”

  With that admission, they sat in a welcoming silence. With his warm hand in hers, she finally felt courage. “I want to tell you about James.”

  Seth gave her a sideways glance. “I met him at a party one of my father’s friends was holding. It was no coincidence. The courtship, from the first meeting to our wedding was a well-orchestrated plot. My father had been telling me for years I needed to start thinking about my future. I thought he was being protective; I should have taken it as a warning.”

  “James was a nice man; he came from a good background and was everything my dad had wanted for my future husband. And I knew that it wasn’t going to end; if I rejected him, there would be another fellow waiting in the wings. So, I decided I would give my father this. He had given me so much, so I could do this one thing for him.”

  “Did you love him?” Seth asked as he squeezed her hand.

  “I cared for him, deeply. I felt in time, I could grow to love him, as much as he loved me. But we didn’t get that time. He was murdered before I ever had a chance to tell him I loved him.” Tears started to stream down her face involuntarily. She went to wipe them away, but Seth was already there, wiping them away with the pad of his thumb. “James loved me with all his heart and all I can think about is how much of a fraud I was. In his dying breath, I fear he knew I didn’t love him in the same way. And it kills me.”

  As more tears started to fall down her face, Seth grasped her head and held it to his chest. She quietly cried for a few moments before Seth spoke. “I suspect if your husband cared deeply for you, those were not the last thoughts in his mind.”

  Samantha hoped he was right, but the ache didn’t go away in her chest as she leaned forward, burrowing her head further into his shirt. She could feel his rapid heartbeat drumming in his ribcage, beating to the same rhythm as hers. It gave her comfort to know that he was reacting in the same way she was to him.

  “I met Hannah Rose in this hotel, the first night I was here in this city.”

  Samantha moved her head to look up at him. “I didn’t tell you about James to push you to tell me…”

  Before she could finish her sentence, Seth pushed a finger to her lips, silencing her. “I want to tell you.”

  Samantha separated herself, her eyes drying, so she could look at his face while he relayed the story. “I was lost, directionless, when I came here. I am the youngest of four boys, so didn’t have a clear path and I didn’t want to live in my brother’s shadow. So, when I did gather up the funds to come out here, it wasn’t like anything I had expected. We only had enough money for one night at this hotel. I was worried about our future; Tom, well, he was more interested in the next set of lips he could kiss.”

  “I was fretting when there was a knock on my door and when I went to answer it, there was this lovely girl standing in the doorway, carrying some linen. She asked if she could prepare the bed for the night. As she was making the bed, she noticed my face and asked what was wrong. She was so interested in me and I never had the attention of a woman. And she was cute, almost like a doll. I told her everything and she was such a great listener. She left my room that night with nothing more than a smile, but I knew I had to see her again.”

  “The next day, Tom and I got some work around the town and were able to secure another night in the hotel. And there she was again, turning up to make my bed for the night and she gave me more attention than I probably deserved. And it continued like that for a few more months. Then I started to seek her at other hours of the day, and soon I was courting her. Tom had warned me against her. He had told me that she wasn’t interested in anything I could offer her. But I didn’t listen to him. I thought we had something more and that she cared for me as much as I did her. I fooled myself into believing we were in love.”

  Samantha felt a flicker of sadness at his admission. “After a few months, we had gathered enough money to buy the land. And I had decided I was going to ask her to marry me. Of course, Tom was against it. But I didn’t care. I told him I was going to follow my heart.”

  “I went to find her in the hotel. I caught her with another man, an older gentleman with greying hair and flashy clothes. I learned later he was a very rich man passing through town, heading out farther west. She was being very flirtatious, batting her eyelashes at him. It was the same look she had given me on numerous occasions and when I confronted her about it, she was mum, refusing to answer me. But when I challenged her more, she told me she never wanted to be a dirt farmer’s wife. She wanted more than that, and being with me would tie her to a life she dreaded. She never loved me; she was only waiting for the right person to come along and whisk her away. And the next day, she left with that man without even a goodbye.”

  Seth breathed a heavy sigh and turned to face Samantha. “Samantha, the reason why I don’t introduce you as my wife is because, well, I didn’t handle her leaving me in the best way. I became depressed and angry and did some things I’m not proud of with a few women around town. My pain and anguish became the whole town’s story and before I knew it, my name was on people’s lips into waiting ears. I’ve been trying to evade the gossip ever since.”

  “But I’ve realized I need to start to move on. And maybe a start would be to tell people you are my wife.” Seth caught a loose tendril of Samantha’s curly hair and brought it to his lips. She could feel her heart elevate at the gesture. They stared into to each other’s eyes, only for a few seconds but Samantha felt they had been staring at each other their entire lives. “I’m glad Tom made me fill out that advertisement. It made me see things in different light. Bringing you here made me realize what I felt for Hannah Rose wasn’t love. Because being with you means so much more.”
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br />   Before Samantha could process what Seth had just said, he dropped her strands of hair and leaned in to kiss her. When his lips met hers, she was a stiff as a doornail. Surprised as his lips moved against hers. She felt a burn down to her toes, fire curtailing in her belly. And before she realized what she was doing, she softened into to him. Her hands flew around his neck, pulling him closer to her like she wanted to engulf him. He grasped her back, digging his hands into her flesh like he couldn’t get enough of her.

  She couldn’t breathe, becoming lightheaded, but still, she went on kissing him. She felt more alive than ever before. It was exciting, exhilarating, and scary. In a flash, she remembered where she was and who she was with, pulling away from him suddenly and putting a hand between them. Seth still had his arms around her, breathing as heavily as she was.

  Seth seemed to come back to himself as he looked at her and cradled her face in his hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

  Before she could react, Seth grabbed her, hugging her to his chest. “I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t help it. I hope you will forgive me.”

  Samantha was taken back by his apology; her free hands rubbed his back in acceptance. “You don’t have to apologize.”

  He backed up from her and held her at arm’s length. “No, I had to. I know you aren’t ready yet. I’ll wait until you are.” He put the pad of his thumb on her lips. “But don’t make we wait too long, my darling wife.”

  She felt a shock from where his thumb had touched her lip. Without warning, he was up and backing away from the bed. He went to the doorway and turned around to her. “I’m going to head out to the saloon to talk to Tom for a few hours.”

  Samantha was already missing his warmth. “But can’t you stay?”