Humor in Uniform

by Editors of Reader's Digest

  — CHRISTI LIGHTCAP

  The team of guys who packed our parachutes at Bitburg Air Base in Germany were a proud and cocky bunch. So much so, they posted this sign outside their shop: Depend on Us to Let You Down.

  — STEVE JURACKA

  One of my first assignments for my college newspaper was to cover weekend maneuvers with the Air Force ROTC. When I boarded an ancient C-119 cargo plane for a training flight—my first time ever on a plane—a gruff sergeant strapped me into a parachute. “What do I do with this?” I asked nervously. “If we’re going down,” he said, “jump out of the plane and pull the rip cord.” “When do I pull the rip cord?” I yelled as he walked away. “Before you hit the ground,” he called back.

  — JOHN H. STENGER

  Following a few frantic minutes, air-traffic controllers finally made radio contact with the lost young pilot. “What was your last known position?” they asked. “When I was No. 1 for takeoff,” came the reply.

  — PHYLLIS NIELSON

  * * *

  What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

  A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

  — SOURCE UNKNOWN

  * * *

  During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. “That’s a chat screen, sir,” the soldier said. “We use it to relay enemy information to the crew—like instant messaging.” Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman’s screen several feet away was the warning: “Heads up—the colonel is on his way!”

  — JAMES MOSCHGAT

  As a flight instructor, one of my duties was to check out pilots who had been involved in aircraft accidents to ensure that they were proficient in emergency procedures. After completing one ride with a helicopter pilot whose engine had failed, the engine on my own helicopter suddenly gave out. As I initiated an emergency landing, I instructed my student to put out a mayday call on the radio. “Would you rather I take the controls?” he suggested. “After all, I’ve done this before.”

  — DANIEL M. JUNEAU

  One Up

  While in the 101st Airborne Division at Fort Campbell, Ky., my husband would often pass the base mascot, an eagle in a large cage. The bird’s name, Sergeant Glory, was even engraved on a nearby plaque. One morning my husband saw Sergeant Glory give his handler a nasty bite while being fed. The next day a new plaque appeared on the bird’s enclosure. It read “Private Glory.”

  — ELISE DWOREK

  At a tea for officers and their wives, the commanding general of a base delivered a seemingly endless oration. A young lieutenant grumbled to the woman sitting beside him, “What a pompous and unbearable old windbag that slob is!” The woman turned to him, her face red with rage. “Excuse me, Lieutenant. Do you have any idea who I am?” “No, ma’am,” the man fumbled. “I am the wife of the man you just called an unbearable old windbag.” “Oh,” said the lieutenant. “And do you have any idea who I am?” “No,” said the general’s wife. “Thank God,” said the lieutenant, getting up from his seat and disappearing into the crowd.

  — MATT PARKER

  My wife, Anita, worked at the Navy exchange dry cleaners while I was stationed at the submarine base in Groton, Conn. One evening a familiar-looking man in civilian clothes came to pick up his dry cleaning. Anita was sure he was on my crew and that she had met him at the “Welcome Aboard” family briefing a few weeks earlier. As she handed him his change, she said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you on my husband’s boat?” “No, ma’am,” my commanding officer replied, “I believe your husband is on my boat.”

  — MICHAEL GORIUP

  When my friend Brian was at a Marine Corps boot camp, a member of his unit was having little success on the firing range with his M-16 rifle—the poor guy couldn’t hit targets at any distance. He was already frustrated when an angry drill instructor jumped in his face and berated him for poor marksmanship. “You can’t hit a target at 50 yards!” the instructor bellowed. “Why, I’ll bet you couldn’t hit a target two inches in front of your face.” “Of course I could,” the recruit said. “But first you’ll have to back up.”

  — J. L. SABIN

  While checking in for a short stay at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Miss., I overheard another visiting serviceman complaining about his accommodations. He had already had a confrontation with one person, a sergeant, but was not satisfied, so he moved over to a clerk and began to grill her for information. The clerk tried her best to remain calm, but the serviceman wouldn’t let up. Finally, wishing to speak to a higher authority, he asked, “Who would the sergeant call if the building were on fire?” She eyed him coolly and said, “The fire department.”

  — BILLY CRESWELL

  “And these are for keeping my pants up.”

  My son regaled me with stories about how they do things in the modern Air Force. Being an old Air Force man myself, I scoffed at their complicated methods. “That’s not the way we did it when I was in the service,” I said. “Yeah,” he shot back. “But when you were in, there were only two pilots, Wilbur and Orville.”

  — TED SHIRLEY

  The lieutenant wanted to use a pay phone but didn’t have change for a dollar. He saw a private mopping the floors and asked him, “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?” “I sure have, buddy,” the private answered. Giving him a mean stare, the lieutenant said, “That’s no way to address an officer. Let’s try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?” “No, sir,” the private replied.

  — GEORGE MELLO

  The Right Stuff

  While on a Coast Guard cutter in Narragansett Bay, Rhode Island, my radar-room staff was being tested on navigating by radar. We were able to tell the bridge what course to steer, based on the land, buoys and other ships spotted on the screen. But we could never tell what type of ships they were—all we saw were blips. At one point, our radar operator identified a target as the Newport ferry, supplying its course and speed. After he received a top score, with extra credit for identifying the ship, I asked him how he had known what it was. He took the ferry schedule out of his pocket.

  — DONALD J. KAYTON

  Conducting a study of sexual behavior, a researcher poses this question to an older Air Force pilot: “When did you last make love?” “Nineteen fifty-nine,” he answers. “That’s an awfully long time,” she says. “I suppose,” says the pilot, glancing at his watch. “But it’s only twenty-one fifteen now.”

  — JOHN CLEESE, in Life and How to Survive It

  On one of our ROTC field-training exercises we were required to fire flares. A fellow cadet and I managed to misfire and start a brush fire. We immediately called range control, and they promptly responded with fire-fighting equipment to put out the blaze. I had to set off a second flare and it, too, misfired, causing another fire. Once again, I called range control. Two weeks later our unit received a commendation for quick fire reporting.

  — CLAYTON AHLFIELD

  Stopping for a light at a Florida intersection, I noticed the car in front of me was stalled. Another motorist had stopped to help the woman push her car out of the way, but they were getting nowhere. A white van pulled alongside the disabled vehicle. Out jumped six Marines in full dress uniform. They jogged in unison, three to each side of the car, and without breaking cadence rolled the vehicle around the corner and into a parking lot. They then saluted the driver and leapt back into their van, never missing a beat. The door closed, and the van rolled on.

  — GAIL W. KEISLER

  * * *

  Docked in St. Thomas in the Caribbean, the first thing I noticed was graffiti that screamed, “Yankees, Go Home.” Un
derneath, a sailor had scrawled,

  “Red Sox, Free Drinks at the Bar.”

  — JASON CAIN

  * * *

  A new Navy wife, my sister, Gina, drove to Millington, Tenn., to join her husband. After an exhausting 18-hour drive, she pulled up to the gate and told the guard that her husband was stationed there. “Do you have a sticker?” the guard asked. “Ummm, yes, I do,” she said, confused. “It’s on the back.” The sentry was skeptical as he walked to the rear of her car. But when he bent down to have a look, he smiled and waved her on. The sticker read “Go Navy.”

  — JAN ROLLYSON

  Military “Maneuvers”

  Everyone in my Army Reserve unit is required to complete an annual physical-fitness test. As my group neared the halfway point of our 2.5-mile run last year, one of the monitors shouted, “It helps to focus on a point far out ahead of you!” “Yeah,” agreed one of the veterans, “like my retirement.”

  — SFC. DAVID GRANT

  I run sophisticated weather programs on multimillion-dollar supercomputers at a Navy center for environmental predictions. On the morning Hurricane Opal was heading for the Florida coast, my boss, a Navy commander, gave me detailed reports on the hurricane’s status to pass along to a friend who has family in the area. Fascinated by his ability to summon up-to-date reports so quickly, I asked him how to do it. He gave me a puzzled look and said, “Simple. Go turn on the television and watch the Weather Channel.”

  — JOANNE MILLER

  While I was attending an advanced infantry training class, the MPs decided to stage a drug raid in our barracks to break in the post’s newest search dog. When I returned to my quarters later that evening, the sergeant informed me of the search. Alarmed at the tone of her voice, I became increasingly nervous as she described how the dog, straining at the leash, led the MPs to the bottom drawer of my dresser. A variety of scenarios raced through my mind, but none explained why the dog would behave that way. Finally the sergeant put me out of my misery. “Why,” she asked, “did you have a ham sandwich in your dresser?”

  — CAROL A. COOPER

  Our new elementary school was raising the American flag for the first time. To make the day special, we invited a Marine Corps color guard to come out and perform the duty for us. The day before the ceremony, the Marine in charge of the unit called to confirm directions to the school. After doing so, he was asked by our secretary whether he was sending Marines who like children. There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before the man replied, “Ma’am, if I tell them to like children, they will like children.”

  — ANN CUNNINGHAM

  I was a young, hard-charging Marine corporal stationed in Okinawa when I took a course in map reading. After completing it, I reported my success to the company office. The commanding officer, a crusty Vietnam veteran, congratulated me. Knowing the major was strict about haircuts, though, I braced myself for a reprimand because I had missed my weekly trim. Instead, he asked if I could help him out using my new map-reading skills. Saying it would be a career-enhancing opportunity, he gave me precise coordinates and told me to report back to him with what I found. Eagerly I pulled out the map and a compass and followed it while daydreaming about a promotion to sergeant. And then I arrived at my destination—a barbershop.

  — CHARLES B. BROWN, JR.

  One night at Coast Guard boot camp, a talented shipmate entertained our barracks with uncanny impressions of various officers. While most of us were in stitches, our recruit company commander warned the comic to stop his antics. When he was ignored, the overzealous recruit snitched. The following morning, our resident comedian was summoned to the commander’s office, where he was confronted by the three subjects of his impressions and ordered to imitate them to their faces. They found his performance hilarious and sent him on his way with one proviso: he tell the “bootlicker” to report to the commander’s office immediately. That afternoon we had a new recruit company commander when our aspiring comedian was promoted to the “recently vacated position.”

  — MICHAEL C. CORSEN

  I was loading our aircraft carrier with supplies when an ensign saw one of my friends spit on the hangar floor, which was already covered with oil and refuse. The officer was appalled. “Sailor,” he demanded, “would you spit on your floor at home?“ “No, sir,” my friend replied. “But I wouldn’t land airplanes on my roof either.”

  — MICKEY HOMAN

  When I was in Bosnia, a group of Marines returned from a four-day patrol in five beat-up Chevy pickups and ten Humvees. After receiving a box meal and a cup of coffee, the men wanted to shower at camp five miles away. A group headed for camp in the pickups. I was surprised to see the others wait in the rain for the pickups to return rather than drive the Humvees. I asked a gunnery sergeant why no one wanted to ride in the Humvees. Swallowing a gulp of coffee, he replied, “Humvees don’t have cup holders.”

  — LT. G.A. KILLINGBECK

  While my wife and I were vacationing in Hawaii, we went to see the USS Arizona Memorial but got lost and ended up at a gate manned by a young Marine. After he gave me directions to the memorial, I thanked him and said, “Have a nice day.” As I was about to leave he said, “Sir, I’m 20 years old, single and stationed in Hawaii. Every day is a nice day.”

  — MICHAEL CRAIN

  Excellence First was the motto of my Army company at Fort Gordon, Ga., and we were required to repeat it every time we greeted an officer. One afternoon, however, I met a second lieutenant at the entrance of the building where I work and forgot to recite the motto. After receiving a scolding for my breach of protocol, I reached out to open the door for him, but he said, “No, allow me.” As I walked through the open door, I nodded to him and said without thinking, “Excellence First!”

  — JEFFREY A. HURSEY

  As an Army media analyst for a military press information center in Sarajevo, one of our more monotonous tasks was editing the transcripts of our daily briefings and press conferences. During one conference, however, it was driven home to me how important this job was. After a British general had referred to snipers in the area as the “lunatic fringe” during a press conference, one of our young officers was reading the transcript when he piped up, “Sir, the transcribers apparently know who the snipers are!” “Who?” I asked with great interest. “The lunatic French!”

  — CHESTER A. KROKOSKI, JR.

  Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semiannual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. “Does it bother anyone else,” one soldier asked, “that the Army doesn’t seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

  — THOMAS L. HAMMOND

  In officer’s training at the Army’s Aberdeen, Md., Proving Ground, our class received instruction on sophisticated equipment. During one class, I was fascinated by an expensive-looking computer. The instructor bragged that it was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. I was duly impressed. But then the instructor abruptly stopped his lecture and turned to me. “Lieutenant, there will be no eating or drinking in my class,” he snapped. “You’ll have to get rid of that coffee!” “Sure . . . but why?” I inquired meekly. “Because,” he scolded, “a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard.”

  — JEANNE T. WHITAKER

  Military Wisdom

  The military leaves nothing to chance, as shown by a Department of Defense manual that includes the definition of what a first page is: “If the document has no front cover, the first page will be the front page. If it has a cover, the first page is defined as the first page you see when you open the cover. In some documents, the title page and the first page may be the same.”

  — ELEUTERIO EVANGELISTA

  Soldiers’ com
bat clothing is not supposed to be ironed, according to an unwritten rule. That, however, did not prevent one sergeant from slightly massaging the regulation. “Gentlemen,” said the sergeant to his troops, “I cannot order you to press your combat dress. Nevertheless, for tomorrow’s parade, uniforms will be allowed only four wrinkles, with one wrinkle running directly down the center and rear of each leg.”

  — CAPT. JAMES FISHER

  With several years of Army National Guard duty under his belt, my roommate applied for officer training. But his lifelong dreams were dashed after he failed the eye exam. “That’s too bad,” I sympathized. “Does that mean you now have to quit the Guard entirely?” “No, I get to keep my old job,” he said. “Driving trucks.”

  — DIANE HASTINGS

  Our bulletin announced the upcoming Secretary of the Army Awards, given to those who “reduce consumption of printed material. Submit nominations using DA Form 1256 (include six copies) plus all documentation.”

  — WILLIAM PAQUIN

  I’ve concluded that the military has more rules than bullets. What convinced me? A simple memo. “To whom it may concern,” it began innocently enough. “This memo was misdirected to my department and I am forwarding it on to you. I have erased my initials and initialed my erasure.”

  — BRUCE CARNAHAN

  When his jeep got stuck in the mud during a war game, our commanding officer pointed to some men lounging around and told them to help. “Sorry, sir,” said one. “We’ve been classified dead.” “Okay,” said the CO. Turning to his driver, he ordered, “Throw those dead bodies under the wheels to give us traction.”