Humor in Uniform

by Editors of Reader's Digest

  — CATHERINE MOUNT

  * * *

  My father, a Navy man, had the good fortune to be stationed in Hawaii—but the bad fortune to have fair skin. One day, after spending many hours under the hot sun, he reported back to duty with a terrible sunburn. Expecting sympathy, he was, instead, reprimanded by his superiors and then written up for “destruction of government property.”

  — LORA TEBBETTS

  * * *

  It took forever, but dog tags for my new chief petty officer arrived just days before we were shipping out. Trouble was, the tags listed him as Catholic, not Protestant. “I really should get them replaced,” he said. “Don’t bother,” I told him. “It’ll be faster and easier to convert.”

  — LESTER E. STILLWELL

  I was charged by the Coast Guard to buy a house near Station Rockland in Maine to be converted into military housing. But after many delays on our part, the owners’ lawyer got antsy. “I don’t like working with the government,” the man said. “I’m not sure I’d even trust one of your checks.” “I wouldn’t worry,” I replied. “Not only do we print our own checks, we also print the money to back them up.”

  — BRUCE HERMAN

  While trying to order an Air Force publication online, I stumbled upon a unique way the staff had found to deal with their back-order troubles. They had resolved the problems processing back orders, they said. “However, in order to implement the solution, we will have to cancel all back orders before we resume operations.”

  — JAMES WITMER

  Just a Little Red Tape

  My friend’s husband, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files. He found some old records that were of no possible value, and sent a letter to Washington requesting permission to destroy them. The reply he received read as follows: “Permission is given to destroy the records, but please make triplicate copies of them first.”

  — JEANIE L. SORENSEN

  “Working on nuclear submarines is not hazardous,” a military lecturer insisted. The soldiers in the audience were skeptical, but he persisted. “For example,” he said, “some seamen stay on board for three to four years. And at the same time, their wives give birth to perfectly healthy babies.”

  — DONCHO KAROVV

  My son, Barry, came home from a three-month deployment aboard his submarine, and told us that one of the ways the sailors kept up morale was to make wooden cars out of kits and run derby races. “What do you do for a ramp?’” my husband inquired. “Don’t need one,” Barry said. “We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt the sub.”

  — MARY C. RYAN

  I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday when the loudspeaker announced: “Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Knock off all unnecessary work.” An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine was confirmed with the announcement: “Resume all unnecessary work.”

  — KENNETH BOOKS

  Reading the Signals

  The military is known for two things: secrets and acronyms. When my husband’s public-affairs unit was reorganized, these office names were proposed—News Operations, News Operations Technology, and News Operation Web. Or, in military acronym-speak, “NO, NOT, NOW.”

  — MONICA YACENDA

  One of my jobs in the Army is to give service members and their families tours of the demilitarized zone in South Korea. Before taking people to a lookout point to view North Korea, we warn visitors to watch their heads climbing the stairs, as there is a low overhang. The tour guide, first to the top, gets to see how many people have not heeded his advice. On one tour I watched almost an entire unit hit their heads one after another as they came up the stairs. Curious, I asked their commander what unit they were from. “Military intelligence,” he replied.

  — EDWARD RAMIREZ

  As I drove past the Post Exchange one afternoon, the pickup truck in front of me suddenly stopped. The driver shouted to a private on the sidewalk, “How do I get to the gym?” The PFC pointed ahead and instructed the driver to make several turns. The man in the truck didn’t understand, so the PFC repeated his directions. Still confused, the truck driver shook his head. Finally I decided to help. I leaned out my window and yelled, “Left, right, left!” A wide grin appeared on the driver’s face. “Thanks, Sarge,” he called. “Now I’ve got it!”

  — SFC BILL ROCHE

  Before we could go on leave, my division had to endure a safety briefing from the base commander. As you can imagine, the Army is very thorough, and she left nothing to chance. “If you find that you are going to be delayed,” said the commander, “you need to call 555-1234. If you are arrested, call 555-1235. And finally, call 555-1236 if you are a fatality.”

  — SGT. SHAWN BOIKO

  A maxim of war is to confuse the enemy. This job description from the Army Handbook for Joint Actions proves that our military is on the leading edge of confusion. OPSDEP: Short for Operations Deputy. By JCS charter, the Army representative is the DCSOPS. However, the ADSOPS (JA), who is the DEPOPSDEP, may act for the OPSDEP on all joint matters. The use of the term OPSDEP also includes DEPOPSDEP. OPSDEPs, or DEPOPSDEPs, can approve papers for the JCS.

  — ROSS AND KATHRYN PETRAS, The Lexicon of Stupidity

  Living near the Army’s Yakima Training Center in Washington, I often see tanks and other military vehicles perform maneuvers in the nearby hills. One day I noticed a whole crowd of tanks and jeeps, along with tents and personnel, camped in a valley just off the freeway. The vehicles and tents were painted with camouflage colors, and also covered with nets and brush in order to conceal them from view. The scene would never have caught my eye—if it weren’t for the brightly colored outhouses scattered across the entire camp.

  — BEN HODGE

  During my first night flight, I asked my instructor what to do if the engine failed. “Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent, attempt to restart the engine and make a Mayday call,” he explained. “The difference between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so turn on the landing light when you get close to the ground, and if you like what you see, land.” “All right, but what if I don’t like what I see?” I asked. “Turn off the landing light.”

  — SOURCE UNKNOWN

  During his re-enlistment interview, the first sergeant asked my friend if he’d considered re-upping in the Air Force. “I wouldn’t re-enlist if you made me a four-star general, gave me a million dollars and Miss America for a roommate!” he seethed. On the form, the first sergeant wrote, “Airman is undecided.”

  — BILL BACHMAN

  Tax day—April 15—was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. “Why so many?” I asked. “My son is stationed overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.” “You shouldn’t have to do this,” I told her. “It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.” “I know,” said the woman. “I’m the base commander’s mother.”

  — DONNA BELL

  In army basic training, we were required to crawl facedown on the ground under barbed-wire fencing with machine guns firing blank ammunition above us. Since I am six feet, six inches tall, however, it was impossible for me to accomplish this without my rear end sticking up in the air. No matter how hard I tried or how loudly the sergeant yelled, I couldn’t keep my behind down. “Well, Private Olson,” the sergeant said after I finally completed one obstacle course, “one thing’s for sure—you’ll never take a bullet in the head!”

  — ANDRA M. OLSON

  During inspection, I was hoping—praying—that our gnarly-looking sergeant would find nothing wrong with my sleeping area. He did. But much to my surprise, he was quite philosophical about
it. “Son, when you’re born you come from dust, and when you die you return to dust,” he intoned. “Now, someone is either coming or going underneath your bed and you better get him cleaned up.”

  — WILLIAM GERBER

  “Who here speaks French?” demanded our sergeant. Three guys raised their hands. “Good,” he said. “You get to clean the latrine. That’s a French word.”

  — JAMES CONAHAN

  A senior in high school, and a few years away from becoming a U.S. citizen, I received a recruiting call from the Army. After listening intently to how I would have my college tuition paid for, not to mention the many benefits of serving my country, I told the officer that while I was very interested, there was one problem: I was Libyan. “That’s okay,” he answered understandingly. “We take liberals too.”

  — KOLOUD TARAPOLSI

  Go Figure

  I was standing on the shore of a lake in Fort Polk, La., showing some soldiers how to use a compass, when I heard a collective gasp from the group. I quickly wheeled around only to catch sight of a huge alligator crouching in the mud no more than five feet away. Before I could flee for my life, one of my guys let me know I should take my time. “Don’t worry, Sarge, he ain’t movin’,” he shouted. “He fell asleep listening to you too.”

  — LARRY THOMPSON

  Because of the constant movement in the military, our headquarters command marked parking spaces with acronyms representing the various job titles worthy of reserved spots. A new staff sergeant was immediately struck by the variety of vehicles owned by the person assigned one particularly choice slot—it seemed a different model was parked there each day. Curious, he looked through the base phone book to find out who was in charge of “FCFS,” as the space was marked. Finally, unable to come up with the answer, he asked his coworkers if they knew. That’s when he learned the acronym stood for “First Come, First Served.”

  — CAPT. JAMEY CIHAK

  Sitting in basic communications training, we were having trouble understanding some concepts of satellite technology. “Come on, guys,” the instructor said, “this isn’t rocket science.” After an uncomfortable pause, a courageous trainee raised his hand and said, “Sir, I’m no genius, but since we are dealing with launching satellites, I believe this actually is rocket science.”

  — JON REINSCH

  As a professor at Southwest Baptist University in Bolivar, Mo., I often begin class by telling a story about my son who attends the U.S. Naval Academy. Last December, one ingenious student left me a note on the blackboard, wishing me a merry Christmas with the following words: “Feliz Navydad!”

  — BING B. BAYER

  There were tons of vending machines on base, and as the supply sergeant, I was responsible for all of them. So I pulled in a private and had him count the money. An hour later, he was finished. “Good,” I said. “What’s the count?” He replied, “I have 210 quarters, 180 dimes and 35 nickels.”

  — DAVID MORRIS

  A friend was visiting me at Davis-Montham Air Force Base and asked me to explain various acronyms. I told him PCS means permanent change of station, NCOIC stands for noncommissioned officer in charge, and TDY is used for temporary duty. Later, we were visiting the ruins of an old fort. I mentioned that an assignment there must have been very tedious. My friend asked, “What’s TDS?”

  — ROBERT WIDO

  Think Again

  One day a young Air Force enlisted man walked into the base newspaper office where I work and said he’d like to place an advertisement. “Classified?” I asked. “No, ma’am,” he replied with great seriousness. “It’s unclassified.”

  — MONICA COSTELLO

  “Talk about service.”

  While attending a formal military dinner with my boyfriend, an Army National Guardsman, I was baffled by the number of acronyms that were used. Finally I turned to the colonel next to me and said, “You should have a translator here for civilians. I don’t speak ‘Acronym.’ ” “I guess I never thought about it,” he said apologetically. “So what do you do for a living?” “Oh,” I replied, “I work for a CPA.”

  — URSULA KLEIN

  My squad leader decided to try to break the base record of 424 push-ups. With our physical-training instructor standing over him, he knocked out 100 quick ones before he settled into a steady rhythm. We were sure he’d break the record, but at 390 he paused at the top and began to shake his head from side to side before slowly continuing. After finishing his 402nd push-up, he paused again, shook his head, coughed, then collapsed. As we walked back to our barracks, our instructor cracked a rare smile. “You gotta give that guy credit,” he said. “If he had just been able to shake that wasp away from his face instead of inhaling it, he’d have broken the record for sure.”

  — MSGT. PATRICK L. HATHAWAY

  Two days before officers-training graduation, I bragged that my single demerit was the lowest in the company. The next day I saw with chagrin a slip on my bunk, and was thoroughly humbled when I read the list: 1 Demerit: Littering. Penny under bed 1 Demerit: Lincoln needs a shave and a haircut 1 Demerit: Trying to bribe an officer 1 Demerit: Bribe not enough.

  — FREDERIC P. SEITZ

  My daughter recently returned from Iraq on a civilian airplane. Before boarding, she and her squad went through the metal detectors. She’d forgotten she had her Swiss army knife in her pocket, and it was confiscated. Upset, she joined the other soldiers as they boarded the plane, carrying their M-16 rifles.

  — MICHAEL DELUCA

  Crew cut, flattop, buzz cut . . . . Whatever you call them, military haircuts are not always the height of fashion. And even the military recognizes that. While passing a U.S. armed services barbershop in Heidelberg, Germany, I saw these rates that were posted in the window: Haircuts: $7 Military Haircuts: $6

  — ERIC GERENCSER

  At the Oceana, Va., Naval Air Station, I was training a young ground-crew member on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit. I glanced over to check wing clearance and, when I looked back, discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward for the fuel hose to reach. “You’ll have to send him around again,” I informed the trainee. “What?” he said, surprised. “They spend millions on these things and you can’t put them in reverse?”

  — JOHN G. RUTGERS

  Flashlights used by my National Guard unit can withstand almost anything. And to prove it, they come with a lifetime warranty. Nevertheless, nothing is indestructible, which is why the warranty also cautions, “Void with shark bites, bear attacks and children under the age of five.”

  — CARMEN HILL

  As a Marine captain stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, “Marine Air Group 36, sir,” or “Second Marine Division, General.” But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, “Which outfit are you in?” the Marine replied, “Dress blues, sir, with medals!”

  — JOHN D. BRATTEN

  Although fighting the enemy is considered normal, the Army frowns upon fighting among the troops. So much so that after one too many battles royal, my uncle was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation in which he had to endure some odd questions. “If you saw a submarine in the Sahara, what would you do?” “Well, I’d throw snowballs at it,” he answered. “Where’d you get the snowballs?” the doctor asked. “Same place you got the submarine.”

  — HANNAH ETCHISON

  I was playing cards on my bunk by myself when I suddenly felt a presence looming over my shoulder. It was a young private. “Excuse me,” the private finally said, as he tried to follow the game. “What are you playing?” “Solitaire,” I replied. “Oh,“ he said, as he walked away. “I did
n’t know you could play that without a computer.”

  — ROBERT OWENS

  * * *

  Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The label read:

  “In case of an emergency, unzip and exit through the top.”

  — KEITH J. WALTERS

  * * *

  While my brother-in-law was in the Army, he had a desk job and his own office. At coffee breaks, he listened to officers complain about how they couldn’t get their work done with all the interruptions. Once he got promoted, he knew what they were talking about. That’s when they changed the nameplate on his door—to Corporal Meeting, from Private Meeting.

  — JEANNE HAYNES

  Don’t Ask

  Stationed on Guam, I was part of the SEAL team conducting a training mission to simulate terrorist activity. In the early hours of the morning, our duty officer called the area commander to report that the SEALs had cut a hole in the base perimeter fencing, broken into a building and taken hostages. Sleepily, the commander asked our duty officer if the hole in the fence was simulated. “Yes, sir” was his reply. “And were the break-in and hostages simulated?” After another affirmative answer, the commander asked, “Then why didn’t you simulate this phone call?”

  — RICHARD DESMOND

  While on my desk assignment in the Army, I noticed that my coworker Rick never answered his phone. One day I asked him why. “If you had to pick up the telephone and say, ‘Statistical section, Specialist Strasewski speaking,’” Rick replied indignantly, “you wouldn’t want to answer it either!”