Humor in Uniform

by Editors of Reader's Digest

  — KATHERINE FIDDLER

  I arrived in Texas on a warm fall day, ready to begin my tour as an exchange student from the Canadian armed forces. When I met the commanding officer, he pointed out how lucky I was to be in his state at this time of year. “Yes, sir,” I agreed, “the weather here is much better than back in Ontario.” “Weather?” said the colonel. “I’m talking about football season!”

  — MICHAEL KYTE

  One night my husband, Lee, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, my husband exclaimed, “That’s Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him.” Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, Lee quietly remarked, “You know you’re getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel than in the news.”

  — SHERRY H. FAIR

  The executive officer of the unit where I worked in the National Guard Armory went to a government office to take care of some business. The clerk there gave him two index cards with identical questions on them. The officer filled both out, but when he handed them in, he asked the clerk why she needed two cards with the same information. Stapling the cards together, she said, “That’s in case we lose one.”

  — BILL JOHNSON

  When my husband was a civilian working overseas for the Air Force, he entered a golf tournament sponsored by the air base in Moron, Spain. He won the tournament, but he has always been reluctant to show off his award. The trophy reads, “First Prize Moron.”

  — FONTAINE CHASE

  When my son joined the Marine Corps, his cousin was already an Army officer. The two were home on leave at the same time, and had a wonderful time exchanging stories. But after hearing one Marine joke too many, my son finally chastised his cousin with: “Man, haven’t you learned what ARMY stands for?” “No, what?” “Ain’t Ready for Marines Yet.”

  — ANNE HICKS

  At the maritime museum where I work, we occasionally use midshipmen to do the “dirty work” of restoring a 100-year-old cruiser. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three. Teasing one Navy midshipman, I said, “You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?” “Sir, no, sir,” he snapped back. “The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!”

  — BRIAN SMITH

  Glenn, my husband, is stationed in Belgium, where his job includes proofreading English documents written by European officers. Once a German lieutenant colonel brought him a lengthy paper. “I should have my wife look it over,” Glenn said. “She’s an English major.” “Oh,” the colonel replied, “I didn’t realize your wife was in the British army.”

  — ANNA MAGGARD

  Getting By

  While reading our headquarters’ monthly training report, I noticed that it included a motto, “Committment to Excellence.” I immediately notified the office that produces the report that commitment had but one “t” in the middle. On our next report, our motto had changed to “Committed to Excellence.”

  — WERNER WOLF

  During an exercise, I heard a radio transmission between a captain and a lieutenant who was a new platoon leader. After the lieutenant reported over an unsecured radio network that the unit was located at a certain map coordinate, the captain told his young charge that he should not give his location “in the clear.” The lieutenant replied, “We’re not in the clear. The platoon is located in the woods next to the farmer’s barn.”

  — MAJ. RON MCCANDLESS

  A friend recently went through Army Ranger training in Florida. During the second day of the brutal “swamp phase,” as the soldiers were rowing an inflatable raft down a river, a fishing boat cruised by with two scantily clad sunbathers on deck. The harsh rigors of the training suddenly came into focus when my friend turned to his buddy and asked, “I wonder if they had any food in that cooler?”

  — SAVOY WILSON

  When my family lived on Okinawa, one of the biggest events of the year was the military’s Fourth of July celebration, which culminated in a spectacular fireworks display. One year, as we joined the early evening crowd on the improvised midway, we watched with alarm as three tipsy airmen headed for the commanding officer. One of the men ambled up to the general and, without even a salute, cheerfully swatted his arm. “Say,” the airman inquired, “what time do the fireworks start?” The general eyed him coolly for a moment then replied, “Any minute, son. Any minute.”

  — MEG FAVILLE

  * * *

  My son-in-law had just joined the Navy and had gone for a walk downtown to show off his brand-new uniform. After passing a few restaurants and bars, he decided to stop off for a refreshment. A waitress came over to him and said, “Draft, sir?”

  “Nope,” he replied. “Enlisted.”

  — BARBARA COOK

  * * *

  A friend often told me about the problems he had getting his son to clean his room. The son would always agree to tidy up, but then wouldn’t follow through. After high school the young man joined the Marine Corps. When he came home for leave after basic training, his father asked him what he had learned in the service. “Dad,” he said. “I learned what ‘now’ means.”

  — JAN KING

  A quality-control clerk, I once was stationed at a Florida Navy base with a chief petty officer who had an attaché case identical to mine. The cases were stylish and durable, but it was nearly impossible to tell which side was the top. One day, after the chief spilled pens and papers on the floor of our office, he got fed up. He grabbed a can of spray paint and wrote “TOP” on the case. But he hadn’t turned the case over before marking it, and I did all I could not to laugh at his mistake. “I can’t believe I did that,” he finally said with disgust. “I know,” I said, chuckling. “You painted the bottom of your case.” “It’s worse than that,” he said. “This isn’t my case.”

  — BRUCE FRAZIER

  My husband, a Marine Corps drill instructor, walked into the barracks after boot-camp graduation and saw a new Marine and his family circling one of the large metal trash cans. When my husband asked his former charge what he was doing, the man replied, “Just showing my family the alarm clock.”

  — LISA M. JONES

  At Travis Air Force Base in California, I was assigned to the electronic-component repair section of my shop. Because of the electrical hazards of the job, we were forbidden to wear watches and rings while performing our duties. One day our foreman walked through our area and admonished one of my coworkers for wearing a watch while repairing a part. “Oh, it’s okay,” the worker protested. “This watch says it’s ‘shock-resistant.’ ”

  — SOURCE UNKNOWN

  Thinking Fast

  While stationed in Washington, D.C., I used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on my way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To my surprise, I encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached my car and asked in a stern voice, “Are you supposed to be here?” Unsure of what to say, I replied, “Not yet.” He held back a smile and waved me on.

  — DAVID T. LIPP

  When I was stationed in Germany with the Air Force, we worked side by side with the Army but were governed by different regulations. One rule involved what we were allowed to do while on various watches. Those of us in the Air Force were allowed to read anything we wished, while Army members could read only manuals or, in some cases, nothing at all. One night during a long watch, one of my friends was quietly reading a comic book when an Army captain stormed over. “You know, the Army can’t read here!” she said sternly. “That’s okay,” the airman replied calmly. “When I’m finished I’ll let them look at the pictures.”

  — RHONDA ROLZ

  * * *

  During last summer’s drought in Oklahoma, National Guard units were
mobilized to assist by hauling in hay from other states. On one trip, I passed a convoy of National Guard trucks, each carrying 14 large hay bales. Chalked on the bumper of the lead truck was “Operation Cow Chow.”

  — VIRGINIA BARLOW

  * * *

  Shortly after graduating from high school, my brother, Roger, joined the Air Force. We missed him terribly, and to make matters worse, he wasn’t allowed to use the phone. After about two weeks my family was awakened in the middle of the night by the ringing telephone. Fearing something had happened to Roger, I hurriedly picked up the receiver and was relieved to hear his voice. “What happened?” I said. “I thought no one was allowed to call out?” “We’re not,” he answered. “But they left me guarding the phone!”

  — KIMBER E. BUSH

  During a recent joint exercise a Navy admiral repeatedly called a veteran Marine master sergeant “chief,” the Navy’s equivalent rank. On the last day of the operation, the admiral caught himself again calling the Marine “chief” and said, “I’m sorry, master sergeant, but if you were in the Navy, you would be a chief.” “No, sir,” the Marine replied. “If I were in the Navy, I’d be an admiral.”

  — CHRIS LAWSON

  One of my first assignments as an Army lieutenant was to report to the contract-management detachment of the Boeing Company, maker of the Minuteman nuclear missile. As I rode the elevator to meet my commander, it stopped, and a Boeing employee entered. “Four, please,” he said. I mistakenly pushed the button for the third floor. As I realized my error, the man from Boeing commented, “We’re very happy to have you here , Lieutenant . . . and not in a missile silo.”

  — BRYAN PIERNOT

  As recruits at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we had a duty called “dorm guard.” A rookie was required to stand a one-hour shift at the door of his dorm, allowing only authorized personnel to enter, and alerting the unit to the presence of an officer by calling everyone to attention. A colonel had been in the dorm for several minutes when we heard the guard call, “Atten-hut!” Everyone snapped to rigid attention awaiting the oncoming officer. In walked a lieutenant. Our drill instructor, realizing that the unwitting guard had called a colonel to attention for a subordinate officer, ran over to the guard and yelled, “You have a colonel standing at attention for a lieutenant! What are you going to do about this?” In his most commanding voice, the recruit shouted out, “Colonel, at ease!”

  — KENNETH R. MCALISTER

  When my son Jordan was graduating from Navy boot camp, parents were anxious to see their sons and daughters after what for most people had been the longest separation in their lives. When the ceremony began, the guest speaker noted that he’d had a conversation with a fellow officer regarding the topic to address. “What should I talk about?” he’d asked his colleague. “Considering the families haven’t seen their recruits in nine weeks,” the officer replied, “I’d say about two minutes.”

  — SUSAN RASH

  * * *

  During a review of radar basics, I asked some Coast Guard sailors, “What’s the difference between a 2D radar and a 3D radar?” The genius in the front row answered, “1D.”

  — ROBERT KIPKE

  * * *

  Increasingly in the military, members of one branch are required to work with members of another, and sometimes this causes trouble. A friend, while working on a joint deployment, saw a veteran Army master sergeant become frustrated at a perceived lack of respect from a young Air Force airman. The master sergeant pointed to the six stripes arranged on his shoulder and asked his young counterpart, “Do you know what three up and three down mean?” “Sure,” the young airman replied. “The end of an inning.”

  — RAY FARRELL

  So They Say

  One day I was all set to give a presentation at the Naval War College in Newport, R.I. When I learned that I was scheduled to be the final speaker, it was a point of pride for me. “In a relay race,” I explained to a colleague, “the final runner is called the anchor. You always put your best runner in the anchor position.” “But this is the Navy,” my friend retorted. “In the Navy they throw the anchor overboard.”

  — TONY SCHULTZ

  One coworker told me about a military funeral he attended. Everything went perfectly until one of the soldiers carrying the casket slipped and fell into the freshly dug grave. The crowd gasped and the officer in charge turned white. The young soldier, however, was a quick thinker. He pulled himself out and stated in a commanding voice, “Sir, the grave is fit for burial.”

  — FIRST LT. DAR PLACE

  When my husband was a psychological operations company commander at Fort Bragg, a new first sergeant arrived who wanted the soldiers to clean up the area. At his initial formation, the sergeant bent down and picked up a piece of paper. “This is a signed four-day pass,” he read, “to whoever brings this in to the first sergeant of A Company.” Hoping to find another, the soldiers quickly picked up every scrap of paper, and the company area was the cleanest in the battalion.

  — MELODY ALEGRE

  With our aircraft carrier under way on an important exercise, the admiral called all of the pilots together to discuss safety. He sternly lectured the group, then glared at them and asked gruffly, “Any questions?” No one said a word, so he asked a second time. Still no takers. “No one is leaving,” he demanded, “until I get a question.” “So,” came a weak voice from the back, “where you from?”

  — JEFFRY L. EDGAR

  The day before graduation from Army basic training, I stood on the edge of a blazing hot parade field watching a group of soldiers rake the freshly cut grass. Suddenly, a helicopter appeared and made a practice landing in anticipation of delivering a dignitary the following day. The sergeant in charge of the raking detail ran to the chopper and spoke to the pilot. He then jogged off the field, taking his group with him. The helicopter lifted off, made a few low passes over the field, then flew away. I asked the sergeant what maneuver the pilot had been practicing. He smiled and said, “Grass removal.”

  — ROBERT L. SELSER

  The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. “Airman,” he bellowed, “what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?” The startled airman replied, “Button it, sir!” The colonel looked him in the eye and said, “Well?” At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel’s shirt pocket.

  — G. DEARING, JR.

  I was walking through the barracks of the Air Force unit I commanded in the Philippines when I noticed that a few of the airmen had posters of scantily clad young women on their lockers. I immediately told the sergeant in charge that only pictures of family members could be displayed. A few days later I went back through the barracks and saw that one of the posters remained, but that it now had an inscription. “To Joe,” it read, “Love, Sis.”

  — ROBERT P. GATES

  During survival training at Coast Guard boot camp, we were required to jump from a 30-foot-high platform into a swimming pool. One of my fellow recruits went to the edge of the platform but immediately backed off. The drill instructor quickly showed his disapproval. “What would you do if you had to abandon a burning, sinking ship?” he snapped. Eyeing the distance to the water, the recruit replied, “I’d wait until the ship sank a little lower before jumping.”

  — ZEKE CANDLER

  You Can’t Win ‘em All

  After completing a celestial navigation training course in the Navy, I was eager to show off my new knowledge of the stars to my date for the evening. “That’s Regulus,” I said confidently, “and there’s Polaris, the North Star.” Impressed, she pointed to a bright light on the horizon. “And what is that?” she asked. “Oh, that’s Venus,” I replied. “Note the steady light typical of planets.” Her
awe quickly turned to amusement, however, when “Venus” slowly drew nearer, turned and began to lower its wheels for landing.

  — KERRY ANDERSON CROOKS

  I was a young Reserve first lieutenant on an assignment with some seasoned Marines. When it was time to return to base for chow, we discovered our bus wouldn’t start. Not wanting the men to be late for dinner, our sergeant major suggested taking them back in the dump truck. So the Marines piled into the truck while the sergeant major took the wheel and I settled in beside him. As we were driving along, I said, “We shouldn’t leave that bus here unattended, should we?” “No,” he replied, “but I’m not concerned. We have something else to be worried about.” “What’s that?” I asked. “We’re not supposed to be hauling people in a dump truck,” he said. “But we have a bigger worry than that.” “What?” I asked, getting nervous. “I don’t have a license to drive a dump truck,” he said. “But you know, that doesn’t worry me at all.” “Why not?” I replied. “Because,” he said with a smirk, “ you’re in charge.”

  — LYNDA REARICK

  When my husband visited our son, Michael, at boot camp, he found him marching smartly with his unit. Michael’s father proudly approached the soldiers and began to snap photo after photo. Embarrassed and worried about getting into trouble, Michael looked straight ahead and didn’t change his expression. Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, “Comito, give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!”

  — EDYTHE COMITO

  When I was transferred to an Army unit in Germany, I immediately tried to put my high-school German to use. It was going well until one night on the subway. Sitting across from a nicely dressed couple, I initiated a conversation in German and asked for directions to a local shopping district. All this took about a minute. When I finally stopped talking, the woman looked at her husband and in a Southern drawl said, “Keep smiling, honey, and he’ll go away.”