Night Fires

by D H Sidebottom

  I nodded. “But this is what I’m saying.”

  “I know what you’re saying,” she cut in, “but if you sit here worrying and telling yourself you don’t deserve to be happy then you’re going to ruin it yourself. Waiting for something bad to happen is like inviting in the badness, opening the doors to the enemy. Don’t, Alice. You need to take every day for what it is; a new day. A day that belongs to you and Carter. Fuck, that man deserves you as well. Don’t take that away from him because of guilt. That’s not fair.”

  Tears rolled down my face at her truth. If anyone was to put it bluntly, it was Janie, and I loved her for it. Saying it how it was made me see it for what it was. And she was right. I was waiting for something to ruin what I had found, yet it would be me that destroyed everything by not believing in us.

  “Quit the tears, you dramatic skank,” Janie sobbed as she pulled me in for a hug, her own tears flowing in sympathy with my own.

  “Well, when you put it like that.” I half-laughed, half-sobbed as I hugged her just as tightly.

  “Right.” She cleared her throat and moved away, swiping at her own tears. “Now that’s said, it’s over. Quit being a whiny bitch and tell me how good Carter is in bed!”

  Laughing, I dragged her back for another hug. “God, I love you!”

  “I know, I’m awesome,” she mumbled in my ear. “But I’m serious. I’m dying to know. Is he big? I bet he is!”

  Almost three hours later, Janie had gone home and I was beginning to worry for Carter. I’d heard nothing from him and I was getting restless. I’d spent the entire time doing the exercises the hospital had shown me to build up the muscles in my legs. I was craving for my independence, and the sooner I could walk unaided again, the better. Carter would be able to move Cary in quicker and begin the long road to building their relationship back to how it should be. But it meant moving back in to Kingfisher House – alone. And it was the alone part I wasn’t looking forward to. I’d fallen in love with Carter, head over heels, and thinking about being away from him made me nervous.

  Shaking away my thoughts, I started the gruelling regime once again.

  I had just manged to get my leg above knee level when the front door opened and in walked Carter. He looked exhausted, his hair dishevelled, his face pale. His jaw was clenched tightly and while he looked totally wiped out, his eyes were wild and vibrant.

  When his gaze found me, he sagged in relief. Then his eyes moved to my lifted leg and his chest appeared to expand.

  “Fuck me, you have a leg. A whole leg that I can touch again.”

  Before I could open my mouth to notify him he didn’t need spectacles, he rounded the sofa and hoisted me over his shoulder. The hallway blurred and before I understood what was happening, Carter flung me on the bed, face down, and was already pulling at my leggings.

  “Need you, sweetheart. And I’m warning you now, it’s gonna be hard, quick, and fucking deep.”

  I nodded, my vocal cords releasing a high-pitched whimper in reply. His words had me almost begging for him to hurry up, and looking over my shoulder as he stripped, I was already slick and primed for his brutal intrusion.

  He flattened me to the mattress as he started to pound in and out of me from behind. He was like an animal, frenzied and wild as he hooked my leg under his arm and opened me wider for his greedy taking.

  Within minutes I was crying out my first orgasm, my body taking everything Carter delivered. His face buried into the side of my neck, his mumbled, filthy words once again bringing another climax close to the edge.

  “Your pussy fucking loves my cock, doesn’t it, Alice?”

  I nodded.

  “You take it all like a good girl. All – the – goddamn – length – of – me. So fucking greedy.”

  “Yes,” I hissed as I pushed back against him, meeting each of his thrusts eagerly.

  “Fuck, my cock is dripping. Always so fucking generous, your pussy. That’s what I love about you. Always so sacrificing, so giving in every way.”

  “That’s because it’s all yours, Carter.”

  “Yes you are. You’re mine, forever.”

  I sucked in air when his hand took my hair in a fierce grip and he yanked my head back, crushing his mouth over mine. I kissed him back with as much vengeance. Never before had I felt the force of someone’s need for me, their love so open and uninhibited. Yet Carter, even though he was taking me hard and roughly, exposed so much devotion and adoration that I knew I could never let him go. Would never let him go. He lit a part deep down inside me that had been dark and deadened for so long. He brought me to life, gave me a reason to live again, and I knew if I lost him I would never be able to breathe again. My soul would wither without him and the love he gave me.

  “Fuck, I love you, Alice.” His kiss hardened and he came inside me with a deep drive, his body shuddering over me as he let go and forced me to do the same.

  Both of us gulped at air as our bodies struggled to revive from the most mind-blowing pleasure imaginable. His hot skin clung to mine as our love-making generated sweat only a workout would have been worthy of.

  He was still panting when I glanced over my shoulder at him. “Better?”

  A smile broke over his face and he dropped a gentle kiss to my ear. “Much. I missed you.”

  “Really? I’d never have guessed.”

  He rolled over and I joined him so I was on my side facing him. Although the tension had dissolved, he still looked fraught and tired. “How did it go?” I asked as I ran my hand over his face, the need to touch him overwhelming.

  He blew out a quiet breath and shrugged. “As good as it could, I guess.”

  “Is he in a lot of pain?”

  “Not really. He’s drugged up for now. I think it will be hard for him to adjust, forevermore shitting in a bag isn’t exactly great.”

  I tutted at his choice of words but nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I’m glad you’re there for him.”

  He shrugged, remaining reserved again. I was sure he saw it all as no big deal, that forgiving Cary was just another hurdle to jump over, and if he jumped high enough then it wasn’t a problem. But I knew there was also some turmoil still swilling around inside him. It must have been. And even though Carter didn’t say much, I knew he would open up to me if, and when, he needed to. He trusted me, and that was important to him, and I got that, I truly did. Trust had destroyed his marriage and it was his highest hurdle, yet I saw the trust in his eyes every time he looked at me. He knew what my infidelity had cost me, and he knew I would never repeat it. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of this man. I would never do anything to hurt him, ever. To hurt Carter would finish both of us, because he was all I had now. If I lost his love then I lost what gave me reason to live. For the first time in a long while I was living again, and it felt good to breathe.

  CARTER HAD DECIDED he wanted to clear out his spare bedroom and convert it into an office. The car shop he owned had a small one but as Carter said, it was small, cold and with his growing plumbing business too, trying to keep track of the accounts and find space for all the files was becoming difficult.

  I wasn’t feeling too great, a little icky, so Carter had sat me on the floor and given me the duty of boxing up all the books he had stored on a bookshelf while he cracked on with the painting across the other side of the room.

  “You have Little Women.”

  He glanced at me over his shoulder from his position up the ladders. “Why do you seem surprised?”

  I stared at his delicious body for a moment, at the way his arms bulged with each stroke of paint, and the way his t-shirt lifted revealing to my greedy eyes a portion of his amazing stomach muscles. “Well, I didn’t have you down for the classics. More of a thriller man.”

  He laughed and nodded. “There’s still a few of Liz’s I couldn’t get rid of. Little Women was her favourite.”

  I smiled at that. I know some people would find it freaky, and that listening to your lover talk about their ex-
wife would be unacceptable, but to me it showed me just how fierce Carter was capable of loving. I was pleased he could talk about Elizabeth to me. It implied he was completely comfortable with me. She had been a huge part of his life, and she always would be. We couldn’t erase her from our relationship, and I didn’t want to.

  I smirked as I placed Fifty Shades of Grey into the box. Catching Carter watching me with a look of pure guilt, I quirked an eyebrow. “Elizabeth’s?”

  Quickly giving me a short nod, he turned back to his work, leaving me chuckling quietly to myself. Elizabeth had some real classics and although I would have loved to read them, I placed them carefully beside her others.

  Reaching for the next book, I hesitated when I realised it was a photograph album. I knew I shouldn’t, but taking a quick look at Carter who was singing mindlessly to the radio as he lost himself to his work, I turned my back stealthily and opened the cover.

  I couldn’t breathe when I was met with Carter and Elizabeth’s wedding photos. All the air in my lungs escaped in a sudden gush. Every part of my body locked up. I couldn’t remove my stare from their smiling faces. Tears prickled my eyes as a fierce pain in my chest stole my brain’s ability to explain what I was seeing.

  My mouth opened and closed many times before I found my voice, the tone sounding nothing like my own. “Carter?”

  “Mmm?”

  “How did you meet Elizabeth?”

  I heard the swish of his clothes as he turned to look at me. The air around us filled with his surprise but he answered, “We met in Paris one Christmas. She stepped out into the road and I grabbed her.”

  My hand slapped onto the floor to stop myself falling over. “Oh dear God.”

  Carter clambered down the ladders when he heard me start to hyperventilate. His face swam before me as my eyes closed and the void gave my brain an excuse to give in to the shock.

  What could I say?

  His concern was palpable and he apologised over and over for not hiding the album.

  But what could I say?

  All my mind would keep projecting were her words to me as we sat on her bench in the park. ‘He’s worth the fight. Believe me.’ She knew. Had she been telling me to fight for him? Had she been telling me that she was happy with our relationship?

  I was going mad.

  First Mr Frey in the café, and now my lover’s wife.

  What the hell was happening to me?

  “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

  Shaking my head, I turned to him. “No, I… it wasn’t the album. I just felt a bit dodgy.”

  His brow wrinkled and he placed the back of his hand on my forehead. “You aren’t running a temperature.” He rose from the bed he’d carried me to after I’d passed out. “I’ll ring the doc.”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  He glowered at me and disappeared.

  Holy shit!

  I suddenly felt uncomfortable and my eyes snapped to every corner in the room. A chill broke out over my skin as a shudder raced through me. “Elizabeth?”

  When nothing but silence greeted me I groaned at myself. “You stupid cow.”

  Carter came back in and frowned harder when he saw the look on my face. “Doc will be here soon.”

  “Carter, I’m fine. I just felt a bit faint…”

  “A bit faint? You passed out!”

  Rolling my eyes, I tried to think of a quick excuse. “I’m due on, it’ll just be hormones. Honestly, I’m fine. There’s no need…”

  The doorbell broke me off.

  “That’ll be the doc,” Carter mumbled as he made for the door.

  My eyes widened. “That was quick.”

  “He lives next door.”

  “Ahh, handy,” I said sarcastically. What the hell was I going to say to the doctor? ‘Oh I just realised I see dead people. I’m okay really.’?

  Dr Montgomery turned out to be a middle-aged man with a smile wider than the Mersey Tunnel. His grip on my hand was as fierce as his happiness. “Good to meet you, Alice. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  Of course he had, it was Mousehole.

  I nodded, trying without success to return his jovial smile. “Same,” I lied.

  My eyes widened when he plonked down his huge bag and rubbed his hands together with glee like I was to become his next meal. “Right, let’s get started.”

  He turned to Carter with another smile. “Would you mind leaving us, Carter?”

  “Yes.”

  I had to hide my humour at Carter’s fierce glare. Dr Montgomery seemed perplexed for a moment before he realised Carter wasn’t joking and that he wasn’t going anywhere. I could see the look of pure distrust in Carter’s heated scowl and it only made me giggle more.

  Both men looked at me like I’d lost my mind. In my defence, I had. “Sorry,” I said. “It’s fine for Carter to stay, Doctor.”

  He looked disappointed for a moment but then coughed and nodded. “Right, what are your symptoms, Alice?”

  “I don’t have any,” I answered a bit more shortly than I’d intended. “I’m fine, honestly. I’m due my period and I just felt a bit faint.”

  “You fainted!” Carter said. “You didn’t just feel faint.”

  “Technicalities,” I murmured back with a wave of my hand.

  The doctor nodded. “Any chance you could be pregnant?”

  “No, I’m on the pill.”

  He nodded again, writing things down in a little flip book he seemed to pull from nowhere. He stopped short for a moment and gave me a look I didn’t like. “I think we’ll do a test, just to be sure.”

  “Honestly, Doctor, I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong….”

  “Antibiotics counteract the contraceptive pill, Alice. The hospital should have forewarned you about this after your accident.”

  I stared at him as all the blood rushed from my face. My mind raced through dates and when it came across one from around eight weeks ago, the world spun once more and my poor little heart began to race for the second time that day. “What? No… No I can’t be. I take the pill religiously…”

  “You will have been given antibiotics as a precautionary measure after the operation to fix your leg. The nurses should have given you other contraceptive options. Did they?”

  “Uhh…” My mind wouldn’t work.

  Slowly I turned to Carter. He was pale and sat at the end of the bed staring down at the floor. Nothing seemed real, my mind a blur as I tried to focus on each of the questions Dr Montgomery was firing at me.

  “Alice, let’s just do the test and then deal with the outcome. It may be negative.”

  I nodded mechanically and took the little pot from him before limping off to the bathroom.

  Ten minutes later I was once again welcomed to the dark void of my mind when the doctor announced that a little Carter would soon be joining us.

  WE BOTH SAT in the dark in complete silence. We’d been like that for nearly an hour, since the doctor had handed me a ton of pregnancy paraphernalia and left as quickly as he’d arrived. I couldn’t form words, and my heart rate didn’t appear to be righting itself as it continued to scurry away in my chest like a squirrel on amphetamines.

  Carter’s electric fire mesmerised me as the fake orange flames danced happily against the black glossy backdrop, the reflection hypnotic, and the only thing I could seem to focus on.

  Eventually, I looked down at my feet. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never… I never meant for this to…”

  Carter snapped his face to mine, the reflection of the flames pirouetting in the steel of his eyes making me bite into my lip to stop my stale tears from falling. “What?”

  “I…” I gulped to push down the rock that had grown in my chest and was trying to climb up my throat. “I never planned this, Carter. I wouldn’t ever…”

  “Hey.” His head shook wildly as he scrambled across to me, falling to his knees by my feet. Taking my hands in his, he brought them up to his mouth and scattered a frenzy of kisses over my
knuckles and fingers. “I know. I know you wouldn’t.” He buried his face into my lap, his hands still holding onto me like he thought I would do a runner. “I’m just shocked. A baby. Shit. A baby. My baby. I…” He was rambling so much I was struggling to translate what the hell he was saying. “I never thought…. I’m going to be a parent… a father…. A baby. Fuck. A little baby…”

  “As much as I didn’t understand a word of that, I’m rather keen to know what you’re actually feeling about this.”

  He looked up at me, a look of sheer bafflement on his face. “What?”

  Only just managing to stop my eyes from rolling, I stared him out. “How, what… Jesus, Carter. Are you happy, angry, livid, ecstatic? I don’t know. I’m not like you, I can’t read you like you can me. I have no idea what’s going on in your head.”

  He frowned for a moment then kneeled up and slammed his mouth over mine, kissing me with a passion that took my breath away. A sob tore up my throat but Carter swallowed it whole, taking my despair and throwing it into the flames of the fire. His hands covered my face, his grip almost painful as he struggled to contain what he was trying to tell me.

  “Ecstatic? No. Livid, definitely not,” he mumbled over my mouth, his hot breath coating the dampness he’d left on my lips. “More…” His mouth fell open and he shook his head. “I don’t have the word. I can’t even…”

  I was still at a total loss to his feelings and my despair grew fiercer. “Bloody hell, Carter. Do you want this baby or not?”

  He stilled and swallowed. Fixing his eyes on mine he brought my hands to his mouth once again. “More than I want my heart to beat. More than I want my soul to mend, Alice. I want this baby so much, but more than that, I want you with it. I want a family. I want our family.”