Night Fires

by D H Sidebottom

  “Well, I thought I’d give you the limelight for a while. But yeah, you can definitely go on a bit.”

  He growled playfully and I laughed when he pushed me back into the chair and tickled me with his beard. “Long or not,” he mumbled into my neck. “I meant every word.”

  Running my thumb over the outline of his cheekbone, I sighed, suddenly anxious. “You think we can make it?”

  “We can try.”

  I nodded. We could. I was more than willing to try. In fact, I was eager to try.

  Yet sometimes, trying was never enough. Sometimes, fate had our lives all planned out.

  “OH MY GOD.” I sighed with pleasure, the back of my head bumping on the wall when pure heaven filtered through every single tight muscle in my body. “Hell, Carter. That’s so good.”

  His light chuckle made me groan but another shiver of bliss rolled over me when he moved the washcloth in between the next two toes.

  “Ahh,” I sighed in contentment when he began his religious cleansing on the new spot. When Carter had suggested a wash after I’d grumbled at not being able to bathe, I had curled my lip in disappointment, but the man gave the most awesome pleasure with each wipe of the cloth. I was so relaxed I was lucky for the wall behind me that supported my head, and the chair Carter had dragged into the bathroom which held up the rest of me.

  “Who’d have thought you’d be this easy to manipulate with a simple clean between your toes.” He laughed. I could feel his watchful eye on me as he continued with his perfect dedication to making me clean and fresh.

  “Who’d have thought having your toes washed could be this amazing,” I countered, another soft moan leaving me when he moved on to the next foot.

  The tips of his fingers dug into the sole of my foot as he wiped up the underside with the cloth, smearing soap over my skin before he rinsed and began the exact same massage to wipe it clean.

  I pouted sulkily when the doorbell rang through the house. “Leave them to freeze,” I grumbled when Carter placed the cloth in the sink and stood up.

  He laughed.

  Peeling one heavy eyelid open I gave him a glare. “I wasn’t joking.”

  He shook his head in amusement and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. “Stay there. I won’t be long.”

  I huffed and lifted my leg as far off the floor as I could manage - the one that weighed more than the national debt. “I’m not likely to go for a jog, am I?”

  I sat looking at the cloth longingly as I heard Carter move through the house to answer the door. Adjusting to losing the use of one half of my body had been harder than I thought. It was amazing how much I took walking and using my hand for granted, but Carter had been patient and encouraging. He allowed me to try, understanding my need for independence, but then he’d stepped in when I asked.

  He’d been perfect, and I couldn’t have asked for a better nurse. Carter was stubborn and grumpy, but he’d stepped up and had been caring and tolerant with me over the previous couple of days since I had moved in.

  If anything, I had turned into the grouchy one but Carter shook off my moods with a small smile and a stare that told me I was being a bitch. He cooked, he cut up my food, he helped me – shamefully – on the loo, and now he’d opened up a whole new meaning to the term ‘strip wash’. Bedtime was fun too. Carter insisted that he slept with me and I swear I nearly broke his leg once or twice when I’d tried to turn over in the night. Frequently I had heard him grunt when I’d shifted my leg and bashed him with the concrete cast, but even though I had seen the bruises the next morning, he never complained or shown a bit of irritation.

  All in all, things were going better than I could have imagined, and I found myself falling more and more in love with him every second of the day.

  I reached out and poked Mack who was snoring loudly by my side when I heard raised voices coming from the front of the house. “Shh, Mack.”

  He looked at me then sighed and placed his head back down, proceeding to annoy me with every loud snore.

  “Stupid mutt,” I muttered as I grabbed my robe and awkwardly pulled it on over my naked body. Taking my crutches, I hoisted myself upright and shuffled out of the bathroom into the hallway, shutting the door on Mack so he wouldn’t bombard Carter’s guest with slobber.

  “Why the fuck won’t you listen?” Carter hissed, the anger in his voice making my skin tighten over my bones. “I don’t want to know!”

  “Please, Carter, just…”

  “Fuck off, Cary!”

  Cary, the spitting image of Carter, only slightly shorter with the same colour hair, longer and pulled into a bun behind his head, stood on the doorstep. It looked as though he was trying to get past Carter and into the house, but Carter was having none of it, his wide frame blocking Cary’s attempts every time he moved.

  “I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

  Carter scoffed, shaking his head. “You think anything about you is important to me anymore?”

  “Yes.” Cary nodded firmly. “Yes, I do. I’m still your brother, and I still love you. I know you feel the same, Car. I know you do. We were too close to…”

  “Close? I suppose sharing my wife is one definition of close.”

  Cary closed his eyes as if Carter’s statement had punched him in the face. His skin was pale and even I could see he was struggling to stand up, never mind face the wrath of his brother.

  “Carter?”

  Both men turned to look at me. Cary’s eyes were full of shock, as if seeing a woman in his brother’s house was a mirage. Carter looked horrified as he tried to block me from Cary’s view. I was sure he thought I would take one look at Cary and jump into his arms. He was good-looking but nowhere near as beautiful as the man who had declared his love for me. And besides, one affair in my life had taught me a precious lesson that I would never repeat if my life depended on it.

  Cary smiled at me, a huge, wide smile that spread right across his face, and for the briefest moment his eyes glistened with a dampness that hadn’t been there previously.

  “Oh, Jesus.” The look on his face, one of pure fascination, made me smile back. Just like Carter’s friends, his brother was also happy that he had finally moved forward.

  “Carter!” I said when Cary swayed in the doorway, his cheeks blanching when he reached out to steady himself.

  Carter quickly took hold of Cary and guided him inside and onto a chair in the front room. I hobbled after them, cursing under my breath every time I banged into something with the oversized crutches.

  “I take it you’re a novice,” Cary joked lightly as I dropped onto the sofa.

  Nodding, I grumbled, “Unfortunately. They look smaller than they are. I’ve already put four dents in Carter’s wall, clonked him in the shin three times, and nearly knocked out my dog a couple of times.”

  He laughed but it was full of exhaustion.

  Carter glanced at me as he sat beside me. He had become as pale as Cary and there was a resigned sadness in his eyes that told me he knew what Cary had come here to say. Taking my hand in his as if he needed me for support, I gave him an encouraging squeeze. Taking a deep breath, he turned to Cary. “How long?”

  I tensed when Cary bit into his lip and stared at his brother with an expression that said everything. “It depends.”

  “On?”

  “Whether or not taking away my bowel gives me an extension.”

  It was obvious Carter was aware of what was going on, and when he growled in frustration I reached across with my bad hand and rested it on his thigh. He took my thumb between his fingers and started mindlessly playing with it.

  “The same as Mum?” Carter asked quietly, causing a lump to form in my throat.

  Cary nodded then coughed slightly and straightened his shoulders. “It’s not going to beat me, Car. I refuse to allow it to.”

  Carter scoffed. “Like you have a choice. Like Mum had a fucking choice!”

  “Mum’s had spread to her liver and had overtake
n her glands before they found it,” Cary said. “Mine, so far, is just confined to my bowel. With surgery and chemotherapy they’ve given me seventy percent survival.”

  The anguished silence escaping from Carter made me ache for him. Life had given this man nothing but shit, and now, when he, or rather I, had given him hope, cancer came along and made a mockery of his hopes and dreams.

  Cary shuffled forward in the chair and leaned his elbows on his knees, his eyes fixed hard on Carter. “I need you, brother. I can’t do this without you.” His plea was so full of heartache that I could practically smell the sorrow and the guilt pouring from him.

  I pulled myself up on my crutches and Carter quickly grabbed my wrist but I shook my head and gave him a gentle smile. “You two need to talk. I’ll just be in the bedroom. Don’t worry.”

  One second he looked like he was going to bolt, the next like he was going to cry, the next a flash of rage obscured his handsome face, and then the next instant he looked at me with so much fear that I nearly fell to my knees before him. I could see he didn’t know what to do and the pain in my chest from those changing expressions nearly broke my heart. Running my fingers over his cheek, I tried to convey my total dedication to whatever decision he went with. Carter had always been able to read me, and this time was no different. Giving me a subtle nod and a soft smile he took my hand from his cheek and brought it to his lips, dropping a kiss to my knuckles. ‘I love you’, he mouthed.

  “I love you more,” I told him, needing him to hear the sincerity in my soul as I ran my thumb over his lips.

  Giving Cary a smile, breaking the complete look of amazement from his face, I took myself into the bedroom Carter had prepped for me, collecting Mack from the bathroom en-route.

  I lay on the bed for hours listening to the muted sounds of two brothers finally setting aside their past and looking to a future I prayed to God they still had.

  My heart beat furiously as I yearned for them to rekindle even a sliver of what they had lost. Losing Billy had made me more than aware of the bond of family, of the love and faith only they could give you. Carter needed Cary in his life, even if he couldn’t see that right now, yet I understood why he was so angry. Cary had betrayed him with the worst treachery, but they needed each other more than both of them realised. Cary had taken the first step, admitting that he needed his brother.

  I hoped Carter could overcome what had fractured their relationship and that he could give Cary the help he very much needed.

  Good morning, Billy,

  Today’s the day I finally get this lump of concrete sawn off. I can’t believe how quick the time has gone, and to be honest, I’m really nervous. When they took the stitches out a few weeks ago I got a glimpse of what was under there, but then they replaced the cast and now I’m not so sure what the damage will actually look like. The docs have warned me about the scar, and I know it will all be wrinkly and pale. But, I suppose I should be grateful it wasn’t my face that took the brunt of the fall.

  Other than that, life is going okay.

  Carter is wonderful. He treats me like a princess, and even though he’s still tetchy and grouchy, I can see the amount of love he has for me with every look, and with every breath he takes. I swear he thinks of me as some sort of goddess. I know, I can hear you laughing at that one.

  It kinda feels wrong though, my happiness is in a way in exchange for yours, and every time that thought filters in, my heart aches something fierce. Carter, with his usual awareness, spots it and tells me off, declaring in that gruff but soothing voice of his that you’re all happy for me and that you’d want me to find love and use it to enable me to smile again. He’s right, I know he is, but I only wish you were here to share him with me. Josh would adore him, and I know Dad would. Yet, I suppose you’re still sat there with a smile as you look down and witness us both starting again.

  Two weeks ‘til Christmas, kid. And this year I have gifts to buy. That pleases more than anything. Thank God for internet shopping, otherwise those gifts would have been handmade lol. I have a feeling this one will be somewhat different to last year. I’m excited, which is something novel. Sharing it with Carter has me planning allsorts, and hopefully by then I should be able to get around by myself – and drive again. God, how I miss just being able to climb inside my little car and drive. If only there was a road that took me to see you. What a gift that would be.

  Well, until tomorrow,

  Love you, Billy. So much, kid.

  “You sure you can manage?” Janie looked back at me with a troubled look as she unlocked the front door.

  “Yes,” I ground out for the hundredth time as I hobbled up the path, the damn crutches that had cursed my life for the last six weeks still giving me untold trouble as I attempted to manoeuvre through the door without bashing myself or the narrow frame. “I’m an expert now.”

  Janie stared at me as if I’d just told the world’s biggest lie, which I supposed I just had, but remained tight-lipped. Taking my crutches from me when I plopped onto the sofa, she propped them up beside me then disappeared into the kitchen to make a drink.

  “Have you heard from Carter yet?”

  Checking my phone – the one Carter had insisted I needed and bought for me as an early Christmas gift– I sighed. “Nothing.”

  “I’m sure everything is fine!”

  It was the day I had both my casts taken off, and the day Cary had his bowel removed – not much difference. I’d insisted on Carter being with Cary while Janie came to the hospital with me. The scar, as I’d expected, was pretty nasty, and my leg muscles had deteriorated significantly, but the doctors had said after a few weeks’ physiotherapy it would be back to near it’s normal self. The pins they’d placed had, fortunately, remained in place and done their job, substituting support which my smashed bones could no longer do. I was lucky really; it could have been so different. At least I would walk again, and that was something to thank God for.

  “How are they both doing now?” Janie asked as she placed my mug of tea on the table and settled into the chair with Mack. Janie was his best friend and the pair doted on each other, even if Janie did try to hide her adoration for the big lump of fur.

  “Carter’s pretty basic in what he says, but I can tell he’s happy to have his brother back. I know he’ll never forget what happened but Cary is his brother, and right now they need to get each other through this.”

  She nodded, sighing heavily. “I can’t believe it, Alice. Cancer. But, I’m trying to concentrate on the good thing, which is that it brought those two boys back together.”

  “Yeah.” I took a sip of my tea. “I know Carter doesn’t trust him near me. Cary is moving in here while he’s undergoing the chemo, and I know Carter thinks he’ll make a move on me, and I understand that completely. Although he doesn’t want me to move back to Kingfisher House, I think the time together alone will do them good, and me not being here will help them relax around each other.”

  “Yeah, I get that too.”

  “Carter isn’t too pleased that I’m moving back out, but it’s for the best. I still need my independence, Janie. Although a part of me is nervous and sad. It feels right, being here with Carter. Amazingly, and surprisingly, we got on brilliantly and we’ve had best time together.”

  “I bet you have.” Janie smirked. “Sex whenever, wherever, and as loudly as you want. You lucky bitch.”

  I reached out and smacked her arm but struggled to hide my grin.

  “One thing though.” She peered at me curiously. “How the hell did you manage it with that thing on your leg?”

  I chuckled. “Very carefully, and with lots of creativity.”

  She laughed loudly. “Seriously though, I’m so happy for you. I know you’ve had some shit in the past and you both deserve this more than anybody I know.”

  The familiar fear crept over me with her words and my belly twisted nervously.

  Janie tipped her head to the side and frowned. “What’s wrong?”
>
  Blowing out a long breath, I swallowed the lump that had formed. “It’s… I dunno, Janie. It feels too good to be true. I have this feeling in the back of my head that something’s going to go wrong.”

  “Why should it? You’re allowed to be happy.” She moved Mack off her knee and came to sit beside me. For a moment she was quiet and I could see her weighing up her words carefully. “Alice, what happened to you?” Her question was quiet and timid, as if she was scared of what I would say in reply, but Janie had proved to be a good friend, so I opened up and told her everything.

  When I’d finished she blew out a breath and slumped onto the sofa. “Shit, girl. No wonder you’re terrified.”

  “It’s not that. I just feel… like I don’t deserve to be happy. I…”

  “Stop right there!” Her nostrils flared as she scowled at me. “I’d say you deserve happiness more than any other fucker out there. We all make mistakes, Alice. Yours wasn’t so big that you deserved to lose your family in exchange. Niall took you for granted. He abused you, he hurt you, and he made you pay for something that wasn’t your fault.”

  “But that doesn’t excuse my affair, Janie. I should never have done that to him. I hurt Grant too. He fell in love with me and I couldn’t give him that back. I broke his heart along with Niall’s.”

  “Grant knew that when he got involved with a married woman. Don’t feel guilty for him. That isn’t your problem. And you’re telling me it would have been easier to just up and leave Niall, huh?” She shook her head firmly. “I know you felt it was your duty to stand by him, Alice. And even though it wasn’t, I admire that you did. Just because you wanted nice things in life doesn’t mean you had to pay for them in the way you did. Shit, the saying ‘life owes us nothing’ is bullshit. Life owes you a goddamn fucking shit ton.”

  I scowled at her string of expletives but she huffed at me. “Listen to me, Alice. You deserve Carter. He is one of the most amazing men I know. He’s one of the rare ones. If he loves you then he will devote himself to you completely. He will cherish you, give himself to you in ways you could never believe. And you deserve that. That passion, that intensity between you, it’s there for a reason. It’s nature, or even God’s way of giving back. You’ve found your soul mate. And I know the journey to get him was bloody cruel, but that makes your relationship all the more special.”