Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You

by Todd Hasak-Lowy

So at least he finally had Zoey’s number. He texted her, pretty much right away, Hey its Darren this is my number call if u can hope ur okay. And every once in a while he would just look at her name and number in his phone. Her number has four sevens in it, which Darren likes.

  He even went back down to the Patio a few more times the next week and the week after that, in part because he sort of convinced himself that a good detective keeps snooping around until he finds more information. And also because Grace would always give him a cigarette, and so sometimes he would smoke one by himself on the way home from the bus. But other than the second time he talked to Grace, when she sort of clarified a few things for him, all he found out was that she definitely has a twitch and that most of the people on the Patio are actually kind of nice. Meaning it was probably a good thing that the school year ended not much later, because otherwise he’d be an actual smoker by now.

  Still, every once in a while, like today, he goes down to the Patio. Partly to check in with Grace and partly because even though he doesn’t exactly feel like he belongs with the Patio crew, it’s easier not to belong there than it is not to belong in all the other places at school he doesn’t belong. Plus today is a good day to go down there, since his cold will keep him from wanting to smoke, which otherwise he’d really like to do. Plus Grace is always nice to him.

  “What’s up, Grace?” he asks, sitting down next to her on a cement bench.

  “Chilling,” she says.

  Darren nods. He still hasn’t told Grace about the note, he’s not sure why. Even though he plans to. “Any word from Zoey?”

  Grace smiles, looking almost a little disgusted. “Jeez, you’re mental over her, aren’t you?” He shrugs his shoulders and sniffles. “You totally are.”

  Apparently, today’s the day. “She left me a note.”

  “What are you talking about?” Grace appears deeply skeptical.

  “In Ann Arbor. Before she took off or whatever. She wrote it in this book that was in my backpack.”

  “A book,” Grace says. “What kind of book?” He hesitates before answering, not ready to reveal that particular detail. “Never mind, what’d the note say?”

  Darren wipes his nose on a part of his left sleeve just below the shoulder. “It was mostly personal stuff.”

  “Duh,” Grace says. “But, like, what kind of personal stuff?”

  “Just that she, I don’t know,” he tries inhaling through his left nostril, “likes me. Pretty much.”

  “Pretty much?”

  “I don’t remember.”

  “Liar. You’ve probably memorized the thing.”

  “Maybe.” He smiles.

  “You are a freak,” Grace says, with approval and emphasis on the verb of being. “No wonder she likes you.”

  “But so you still haven’t heard anything?”

  “You know”—Grace takes out a pack of cigarettes and starts banging them against the palm of her hand—“you should

  1. WRITE HER A LETTER,

  like an old-fashioned letter. You totally should.”

  “And send it where?”

  “Give it to her parents, they’ll know how to get it to her.”

  The bell for the next period sounds. He’s already late. “Have you done that?”

  “Nah.” Grace stands up, while her right eye slams shut. “Her parents seriously hate my ass.”

  2 Text Messages from Nate

  1. Come back here after yur weakass half day. We can jam rocknroll style.

  2. Swing by super burrito. Just called in our order. Under the name Sergeant Jose Morales III.

  5 Claims Grace Made about Zoey and Her Parents the Second Time Darren Went down to the Patio, Some of Which Seemed More Credible Than Others, but All of Which Together Clarified Something Important for Him, Even If He’s Still Not Sure Exactly What the Name of That Clarified Thing Might Be

  The second time Darren went down to the Patio, he had a pretty clear goal in mind: find out what exactly was wrong with Zoey. Because people don’t just take off to Ann Arbor, run away to who knows where from there, and then wind up in a hard-core boarding school, all for no reason.

  Of course, asking someone that kind of question, especially if you barely know that someone, isn’t the easiest thing in the world, so at first he just smoked his cigarette. Until he decided it was time to be bold.

  “Grace,” he said.

  “Huh?”

  “What,” Darren said, and took a long inhalation, either because he was trying to stall or because he sort of sensed that this is something cool and courageous people do in movies when they’re smoking and about to say something important. Only he didn’t feel very courageous, and not all that cool, either. “Why,” he started asking instead, “do you think they sent her away? I mean, I guess she took off and everything. But still.”

  1. “Yeah,” Grace said, “her parents, they’re pretty hard ass, you know?”

  “Yeah,” Darren said, even though he didn’t.

  2. “They told her, I don’t remember when exactly, like a few weeks ago,” Grace said, and kicked at something nonexistent with the tip of these ankle-high suede boots she was wearing. “It was after she burned a little hole into some fancy leather couch they have. Not even on purpose. They told her something like”—Grace put up the index and middle finger on each hand and said in some kind of weird voice that must have been her imitation of Zoey’s two parents together, an imitation that was kind of hard to make out, because she was still holding a cigarette in her lips—“one more thing, Zoey, and that’s it.”

  “One more thing?”

  “Or something like that. You know, like she was out of warnings.”

  “But what’d she do before then?”

  “I don’t know, not that much,” Grace said. Darren was pretty sure this couldn’t possibly be true and sort of wanted to say as much, but he didn’t want to sound like he was siding with Zoey’s parents, so he kept quiet, half trying to figure out how to express his skepticism and half trying to figure out what else Zoey might have done to make her parents so mad.

  No one said anything for a little while, so Darren just sat there, scratching at his elbow, which had started to itch like crazy for no reason.

  3. “Look.” Grace started speaking again. “Her parents, they just decided, like a long time ago, that she’s this problem.”

  “What kind of problem?” Darren asked quickly and quietly. Grace didn’t answer. “I mean”—Darren felt the words coming out, wondering if he might want to stop them—“what’s wrong with her, anyway?”

  “What?” Grace said, making a face like he said something so stupid that it actually smelled bad.

  “Nothing, nothing,” Darren said, wishing he had a time machine that operated in ten-second intervals.

  “Did you just ask what’s wrong with her?”

  “No, forget it.”

  “I mean, are you serious?” Grace said, her voice super pissed. With no time machine nearby, Darren resorted to shoulder shrugging as some kind of hopeless backup strategy. “What, like do you want to know if she has ADHD or is on meds or cuts herself or has to go to therapy nine times a week?”

  “No,” Darren said defensively, even though he wouldn’t have minded knowing those things.

  “Because that sure made everything better,” Grace said super sarcastically.

  “What did?” Darren asked, relieved that Grace was still talking to him.

  “Oh, you know, every time they switched her to a new therapist so they could diagnose her with something else.” Grace kicked at that spot again.

  4. “Last year it was Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Yeah, right. Whatever.”

  “Oppositional Defiance Disorder.” Darren had to say the words himself, though he made sure to sound like he was saying them with disapproval.

  “How about,” Grace said, her face freezing up for a moment, “how about My Parents Suck Disorder? Or no, how about All This Stuff Is Actually Making Things Worse Disorder?
How about Why Can’t Anyone Just Leave Me Alone Disorder? You know?”

  “I Was Born into the Wrong Family Disorder,” Darren mumbled, feeling some kind of new smile cut across his face.

  “I mean, who doesn’t have that?” Grace asked, and actually smiled.

  Darren nodded.

  5. “She’s just Zoey,” Grace said, sounding almost relaxed all of a sudden. “She’s complicated, okay? That’s it. Everyone’s always telling her what she is. Especially her parents. Like that’s going to help anything. You’re this, you’re that.” Grace exhaled loudly through her nose. “She’s Zoey, that’s all. You know?”

  He didn’t know, but he sure as hell wanted to. Darren felt like he was done smoking and for some reason elected to separate his fingers until gravity could finally have its way with his cigarette. Though it wasn’t surprising in general, there was something unlikely about the way the thing fell straight to the ground, where it continued smoldering even after he went off to continue his high school education.

  6 Possible Scenarios Involving Rachel Today

  1. Darren pretends or actually gets too sick to see her at all.

  2. Darren gets dropped off at Krista’s. They hang out there. A couple of other kids show up. Darren and Rachel sneak up to Krista’s room. He gets an HJ.

  3. Darren gets dropped off at Krista’s. Rachel is so happy to see him, she almost starts crying. Darren feels kind of good to see her for some reason. She whispers in his ear that she missed him so much and really just wants to see him (and not Krista) this weekend. So he invites her over for Shabbat dinner. She accepts. It’s nice. Her and his mom totally hit it off, even if Rachel isn’t Jewish. After dinner his mom goes to synagogue. Nate disappears somewhere. They listen to music (he lets her choose) and talk about all sorts of stuff. By 10:24 p.m. Darren is no longer a virgin, and Zoey is in his life’s rearview mirror.

  4. Darren gets dropped off at Krista’s (after Shabbat dinner, which Rachel didn’t come to). Krista’s parents are nowhere to be found, but about twenty-five other kids are. Krista’s parents have a well-stocked liquor cabinet. By 10:24 p.m. Darren is sitting right outside the upstairs bathroom, listening to Rachel puke up deep-dish pizza.

  5. Darren meets Rachel and Krista at Old Orchard Mall. The mall is lame, Krista is lame, Rachel is lame. She wants to hold his hand, which just feels stupid for some reason. He starts pretending that he is sicker than he is. Gets picked up. Spends the rest of the evening figuring out how to not have to see her again while she’s in town, as well as how to officially (and finally) break up with her.

  6. Darren meets Rachel and Krista and like eight other kids at a bowling alley. Rachel is nice but not that nice. After they return their shoes, Rachel walks him over to the air-hockey machine, where she tells him she has a boyfriend back in Minneapolis. They French-kiss one last time, who knows why.

  3 Items on Nate’s To-Do List for Today, According to Nate

  1. Rock out a little bit with Captain BassMaster, a.k.a. Little Brother, a.k.a. D. Jakes

  2. Look for a job. Hooray!

  3. Something, anything, other than go to therapy with Dad

  6 (or Maybe Just 4) Advantages to Having Nate Around

  1. He makes Darren laugh a lot.

  2. Sometimes they’ll do stuff together on the weekends, like go bowling or see a movie or drive to some cool neighborhood in the city and just walk around.

  3. About once a week or so Nate will come up to Darren and for no reason call him a “monster” or a “total beast” or an “imposing physical specimen” and then sort of force Darren to wrestle. Not exactly wrestle, more like grapple. Just their hands and arms and stuff. Which is somehow fun and sort of feels good, partially because Darren is definitely stronger than Nate overall at this point, even though Nate’s hands are crazy strong.

  4. They jam a couple times a week and will probably put Oblivion back together as soon as Nate finds a drummer who doesn’t totally bite.

  5. Nate makes it so Darren doesn’t have to be alone with their mom or dad so much. Though this one can be a disadvantage, too, since Nate isn’t a minor anymore, meaning he can totally ignore all the custody arrangements that apply to Darren. Plus, Nate can be pretty difficult with both of their parents, meaning that sometimes it’s actually better when he’s not around.

  6. In some ways, Nate is the one person in the world (maybe even including Zoey) who Darren most wants to be with, meaning when Darren heard that Nate had to leave U of M he was kind of psyched at first. And sometimes just having him around does feel good. But it’s definitely pretty complicated, too.

  Because, for instance, on the day Nate finally came home for good, he and their mom had about nine different fights, the last and biggest one of which was about some new “rules” she said that she and Darren now follow (even though Darren had never heard of them). When the fight was over, their mom left Nate’s room, stormed down the hall, slammed her door, and didn’t come out again until the next morning. Nate fell back onto his bed, put his pillow over his face, and shouted into it, “I fucking hate my life!”

  Darren laughed a little when Nate did this, but when Nate removed the pillow and sat up quickly, Darren got a really good look at his face and somehow realized right away that it actually wasn’t funny at all. And so having Nate around can also be a disadvantage, because the new Nate can be kind of lame compared to the old one.

  4 Questions His Mom, Who’s in the Middle of a Conference Call, Writes Out on a Notepad When Darren Comes Down to Say Hi to Her

  1. Feeling any better?

  2. Dinner 6:30 okay?

  3. Tilapia or salmon?

  4. Want to invite anyone?

  4 Answers Darren Writes on This Same Notepad

  1. Not really

  2. Sure

  3. Tilapia

  4. No

  2 Bits of Advice Nate Gives Darren about “the Ladies” While They’re Tuning Their Instruments

  1. You should rock that Rachel girl’s world. Because it’s pretty clear that honey is coming all the way from the Twin Cities for some sweet loving. Like how many dudes your age are there in Minneapolis, but she’s still coming here to see you? I mean, c’mon.

  2. You need to get over Zoey, man.

  4 Supporting Points Nate Makes in Order to Convince Darren of Point #2, Which He Presents Using a Lettered, Not Numbered, Format

  A. You guys were never even boyfriend and girlfriend.

  B. She’s not effing here anymore, my man.

  C. She’s totally mental.

  D. If she were half as into you as you’re into her, she would have contacted your ass by now. I mean, she might be at some therapeutic rehab boarding school for social dimwits, but it’s not like they sent her to Guantanamo. At the least, she would write you. Think about it.

  3 Reasons Why Nate and Darren Sound Kind of Awesome When They Jam Together

  1. Nate has a pretty good voice, even though he does this weird falsetto thing from time to time. Which he can almost pull off, but it’s still sort of unnecessary. Plus his guitar solos can kind of wind up all over the place. But even though he’s not perfect, Nate’s really good overall. He probably has more natural talent than Darren does. Darren practices a lot more, obviously, and is technically way better at this point, but that’s not all that matters. Because Nate’s definitely a natural performer. He could be a great front man someday, maybe because of his charisma or whatever, which makes up for the sloppiness and everything. Like if they ever were a real band and someone made a music video of them, then Nate would be the one on-screen most of the time. Which is fine with Darren, as long as that means they’re an actual band.

  2. Darren is a pretty excellent bassist at this point. In fact, playing the kind of songs they play together when they jam is super easy for Darren compared to the stuff the jazz ensemble plays. All he has to do is kind of focus on a steady rhythm, since the keys and chord changes are really basic. But he doesn’t mind this, because the steadier he plays,
the harder it is for Nate to get lost when he goes totally nuts, which he definitely does about every other song. The truth is they sound their best when Nate is just about to get lost but doesn’t. And so that’s kind of how Darren thinks of his job when they’re playing. Tie your bass-playing around Nate’s ankle so he doesn’t totally go off the deep end.

  3. More than anything, Darren can tell that he and Nate have chemistry, probably because they’re brothers. Whatever the reason, having real chemistry is huge. In fact, in some ways chemistry matters more than anything else when it comes to music. And so if they could just find a decent drummer, they might wind up being a pretty kick-ass band.

  3 Commands Not Related to Music Darren Repeatedly Gives Himself While They’re Jamming

  1. Don’t get over Zoey if you don’t want to.

  2. Remember that even though you weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend, you did stuff that even some boyfriends and girlfriends don’t do. Not to mention she pretty much said you are her match, as in her interplanetary match. And if she hadn’t disappeared, which probably wasn’t her long-term plan, you’d have a good chance of being boyfriend and girlfriend right now.

  3. So just write her a letter already. Today. Otherwise how is she going to know, and how are you going to find out what she’ll do once she knows? Because if Grace is right and Zoey really doesn’t have a phone or a computer or anything, then she might have no idea you’ve been trying to reach her, and so maybe she’s been dying to contact you this whole time but hasn’t, since she thinks you hate her for how she left and everything.

  8 Exchanges in a Brief Back-and-Forth Darren Holds with Himself Right After Saying Bye to Nate, Who May or May Not Actually Be Going Out to Look for a Job

  1. Know what?

  2. Huh?

  3. What is she going to know if you write her?