Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You

by Todd Hasak-Lowy

  4. I don’t know.

  5. Well, you better figure that out.

  6. Leave me alone.

  7. Seriously, what’s she going to know?

  8. Shut up.

  3 Characters (2 Probably Fictional, 1 Definitely Real) Darren Thought about on Yom Kippur Just a Couple of Weeks Ago, the First Two of Which Are Then Maybe Responsible for Him Not Getting Over the Third

  1. JONAH

  It had been a couple of years since Darren had been to synagogue, even for the High Holidays. They used to go, but then they just kind of stopped for some reason. Like his bar mitzvah was some kind of terminal act as far as being Jewish goes. Only this year, his mom pretty much insisted. Nate refused, in an actually not-that-dickish way (“Look, Mom, I totally get you’re really into this, but I’m just not, trust me. I promise to atone today. Seriously, I mean it, just not there, okay?”). Darren wanted to refuse, but in the end he couldn’t. Because his mom more or less pleaded with him to come with her, saying stuff like, “It would mean a lot to me.”

  And just like he thought, it was painfully boring. As in physically painful. Darren and his mom sat right in the middle of their row, which was pretty close to the front, too, and whatever they were doing up there seemed pretty serious. But the seats were uncomfortable and the service just seemed to go on forever. After the first twenty minutes, Darren struggled to get his body to cooperate whenever the rabbi asked everyone to stand up, which seemed much too often. Not to mention the italics in the prayer book, all those stupid sentences he was supposed to read aloud with the nine thousand other suddenly Jewish Jews gathered there.

  But his mom, man alive, she was way into it. It wasn’t like she was swaying or crying or beating her chest or speaking in tongues, it was more that she wasn’t at all distracted, like she was so on board with the Yom Kippur program that it didn’t even occur to her to wonder what the point of the whole thing was. Darren had absolutely no idea himself, but he kind of realized he might make it lame for her if he got up and left. It had to end at some point. Meanwhile, Nate was probably smoking up at home and listening to some Indian music and reading about Buddha, which maybe wasn’t all that ridiculous compared to this.

  Just when he thought he was actually going to lose his mind, the rabbi, in his white robe, got up to give a sermon. He started talking about Jonah, and Darren, just as a change of pace, tried to pay attention. But he only lasted about two minutes, because there was something about how the rabbi was talking that made Darren wonder if he was, in fact, speaking English. But at least these two minutes were long enough for him to learn around where in the Bible the story of Jonah is.

  So Darren grabbed one of the heavy copies of the book version sitting in the shelf/pocket attached to the back of the pew in front of him. It took about five minutes to find the story, which he then skimmed in English. Weird stuff.

  Jonah was kind of a coward, that was pretty clear. God said, “Go over there and tell the people something,” but Jonah just went somewhere else. Then he got on this boat, at which point God kind of gave Jonah (along with everyone else on the boat) the old “you can run, but you can’t hide” treatment. Meaning there was a big storm, with huge waves and everything. And at first, Jonah seemed to think, Whatever. Because while everyone else is freaking out on deck, he goes down inside the boat to take a nap.

  At which point the other dudes on the boat are like, “Hey, what’s with that guy?” Or something like that. They cast lots, not clear why exactly. But whatever the reason, Jonah (of course) draws the short stick. And they’re like, “Yup, he’s why we’re all about to drown.” So then Jonah, somehow deciding to stop being a little selfish bitch, tells them, “Toss me overboard.” Why he suddenly started thinking about someone other than himself, who knows. But he did.

  So they did, they tossed him overboard. And the storm stopped. Which would maybe seem like the end of the story, assuming some little ship came to save Jonah or something. Like, wouldn’t God have made his point by then? Only then the whale showed up.

  2. THE WHALE

  Which was actually just a “big fish” in the version Darren read. The rabbi, Darren noticed, kept talking about “those three days.” Meaning the days Jonah spent inside the whale. “Why three days?” the rabbi asked, really emphasizing his confusion about the whole thing. “Wouldn’t, oh, fifteen minutes inside the belly of a whale be more than enough for anyone to get the point?” Some people laughed. “Only what was the point?”

  Darren thought to himself, Yeah, what was the point? So he kept reading. The story got extra weird around that part. Darren decided to see if the rabbi knew, which of course he did. Or at least he pretended he did.

  “Jonah runs from his obligations, from his duty, from his calling. Again and again and again. But the Lord catches him. Tracks him down. Then, rather than immediately return him to where he’d wanted Jonah all along, to do what the Lord wanted him to do all along, the Lord instead put him inside the whale, has the whale that the Lord appointed swallow him. So that Jonah can sit there and reflect upon the whole situation. You will sit, Jonah, inside this briny muck, inside the dark, heaving, terrifying guts of this massive creature, until you get it. For three days. Because one day, even two days, will not suffice.”

  Somehow this made Darren chew on his thumbnail, which he realized maybe he shouldn’t be doing, since there were people fasting all over the place. Darren kind of spaced out for a little bit, but then he decided to try to listen again, by which point the rabbi was talking about Yom Kippur.

  “Because the point of this ritual, of this annual undertaking, is to sit inside the frightening space of that thing we’re always running away from. Our community. Our family. Ourselves. Whatever it may be. But not today. Today we sit in our personal, custom-made whales. Because, in the end”—the rabbi paused, held out his hands to the congregation—“we cannot escape the things we must face.”

  3. ZOEY

  It was the running-away thing that got him thinking of Zoey. Obviously. There were a million things that got him thinking of Zoey, so maybe that wasn’t such a big deal. Cigarettes, nose rings, buses, his forearm, wooden stairs, planets, it was kind of endless. But running away wasn’t just another thing. It was like number two or three on the list of things that got him thinking of her.

  So Darren wondered if Zoey was maybe some kind of Jonah, not that he could figure out what that would mean, exactly. But so he wondered more what she was running away from, only he couldn’t exactly guess, and not because he didn’t have a pretty good idea based on the stuff Grace told him. Maybe drugs, or not being able to do drugs. Maybe her parents and how bad they appeared to suck. Or school, or friends, or maybe even her whole entire life. Maybe the details didn’t really matter all that much. Because maybe all that mattered for sure was that she’d been sitting inside her big fish for a while now, assuming she really was stuck wherever she was stuck.

  “Our fear . . .” The rabbi just wouldn’t shut up. “Our fear is that the world might pass us by while we’re inside the whale. That we might finally face this thing, only to find a changed world greeting us once we’re spit back out. Shot through the blowhole. The truth is, we have no choice. The world is always changing. And so are we. We will find another self when the whale is done with us. And this is just as well.”

  Darren closed the Bible and put it back. He was tired. And hungry. He wasn’t fasting, but he purposely had a really small lunch. He zoned out for a while. Counted bald heads. Only about ten minutes later, he thought about Zoey again. Or him and Zoey.

  One good thing to do would be to be there whenever she got out of her big fish. He pictured himself waiting for her on the day she got back, like it would all be coordinated with her parents somehow. He’d be there, at the airport, or her house, maybe he’d even have flowers (or a towel, ha). Making him some kind of hero almost.

  He wanted so badly for that to happen, for her to see him and know that he waited; it somehow made Darren feel like the
whole world, now that Zoey wasn’t in it, was his big fish. Like he was in some kind of limbo too. But what was he supposed to face up to? What was he running from? And why did he suddenly think the whole Jonah and the whale story was anything but a bunch of bullshit?

  It didn’t make much sense. All he knew was that he needed Zoey to come back and he needed to see what would be then. And that him nearly getting over her was just being weak and stupid. Or in denial. He still didn’t know what love was or if he was in love with her, but whenever he thought about her he felt something he didn’t feel except when he did. In his stomach and around his eyes and sometimes in the tips of his fingers. He didn’t know why, or what it all meant, or what he should do about it. But trying not to feel it, trying to make it go away, now seemed deeply uncool.

  He turned to his mom, who looked beautiful and old to him. She noticed him staring at her, smiled, and patted his thigh.

  23 Steps in Darren’s Effort to Finally Write Zoey Lovell a Letter

  1. Gets a piece of paper and a nice black Uniball pen.

  2. Sits down at his desk.

  3. Realizes he has no idea what to write.

  4. Thinks about just writing, Zoey, I don’t know why, but I really, really like you. I maybe even love you.

  5. Finds himself unable to do that.

  6. Feels a bit grateful that he’s unable to do that.

  7. Considers writing a regular letter. An update about his life and everything. But that’s stupid, because why would Zoey give a shit about who he has for physics?

  8. Sits there some more.

  9. Chews on his pen.

  10. Realizes this is why he hasn’t written her a letter before. Because it’s hard.

  11. Gets a weird, maybe great idea.

  12. Goes online and finds the lyrics for that song “Precious” Zoey sang on Rock Band.

  13. Writes them out. Luckily, he’s sort of good at writing capital letters (long lines at slight angles), so he starts the beginning of each line with one of those.

  14. Stops in the middle, because he realizes the words don’t make a whole lot of sense. In fact, the parts he does understand seem kind of bitter and maybe even mean.

  15. Wonders if maybe he should find a different poem. An actual love poem.

  16. Gets back online and googles “love poems.”

  17. Within about ninety seconds feels intensely embarrassed to have even had that idea.

  18. Decides Zoey would get why he chose “Precious,” meaning the words themselves don’t matter.

  19. Finishes writing out the lyrics.

  20. Adds, at the end, I miss you a lot. I hope you’re okay. Darren.

  21. Folds it up and puts it in an envelope.

  22. Writes Darren Jacobs and his address in the top left corner, and just Zoey Lovell in the middle.

  23. Last, puts a stamp on it. It’s just one of those flag stamps. Too bad it’s not something cooler, like a wildflower or a picture of outer space. Oh well, not everything can be perfect.

  6 Highlights from among the Approximately Twenty-Nine Stupid Opening Lines Darren Involuntarily Pictures Himself Saying to Zoey’s Parents

  1. Hello, my name is Darren, and I have a letter for your daughter, Zoey. I would be forever grateful if you could please send it to her.

  2. Hi. I’m in love with your daughter. Oh, and here’s a letter for her.

  3. Greetings. Do you believe that there’s only one person in the whole universe who’s meant for you, and that if you find that person, you can’t let that person get away?

  4. Howdy. Remember how when your daughter ran away to Ann Arbor, she did it with some kid from school? Well . . .

  5. Good afternoon. A few days before you sent your daughter away, the two of us sort of rocked each other’s worlds in an orange tent in an apartment in Ann Arbor. It’s a night I’ll never forget.

  6. Here’s the deal: If you told me right now where Zoey is, and even if it is all the way in New Mexico, I would seriously consider getting back on this rickety, piece-of-shit bike and just pedaling my stuffed-up ass all the way out to her. I would.

  2 Rationales Darren Manufactures for Getting off His Bike and Locking It Up a Couple of Blocks Away

  1. It’ll give him a chance to stop sweating.

  2. If her parents see his bike they will be less likely to accept his letter.

  5 Features of the Lovells’ House and Property Darren Notices as He Walks up the Driveway and Then along the Curving Sidewalk That Ends at Their Front Door

  1. The house is built out of gray stones.

  2. The roof is a very dark shade of black.

  3. The lawn is well kept.

  4. Except for some kind of weird, yellowish dead spot over by the two white wicker deer hanging out in the pie-shaped part of the lawn between the driveway, the house, and this sidewalk.

  5. Holy crap, they have two wicker deer hanging out on their lawn.

  7 Physical Manifestations of Darren’s Nervous Energy on Display After He Presses Their Doorbell

  1. Grasps his right wrist with his left hand (while holding the letter in between the index and middle fingers of his right).

  2. Tries to sniff back up all the snot that kind of worked itself loose during the ride over.

  3. Closes his eyes and shakes his head vigorously to check if he is, in fact, light-headed, which he thought he might have been when he was about to reach this spot.

  4. Switches hands/wrists (but still keeps the letter between the tips of his right).

  5. Quickly presses the doorbell again.

  6. Counts to forty out loud.

  7. Spins around with the intention of jogging or even sprinting back to his bike.

  2 Clicks That Keep Him Standing Right Where He Is

  1. The first one the door makes

  2. The second one the door makes, which is a bit louder and higher-pitched than the first one

  6 Types of Communications Darren Calls Upon, in Addition to the Letter Itself

  1. VERIFICATION

  The door opens maybe a foot. And some woman is standing there, partly visible.

  Zoey’s mom?

  Whoever she is, she’s wearing khaki pants and a dark blue cardigan sweater. She looks a little older than Darren’s mom. Before he got to the house, he had tried to picture what she (or Zoey’s father) might look like, but this woman just seems like some totally random woman. So much so that he can’t remember at all what the woman he tried to picture only about five minutes ago in his head looked like.

  Her hair is sort of dark blond and wiry, and a couple of deep wrinkles run from the edge of her mouth down toward her chin. She isn’t pretty, but she might have been once. Most of all, she doesn’t look anything like Zoey. Except maybe for her nose, which is small like Zoey’s.

  “Mrs. Lovell?” Darren asks, because maybe she isn’t, maybe the Lovells don’t live here anymore. Maybe Zoey didn’t get sent anywhere but just moved to Houston or something and decided not to tell anyone, not even Grace. Maybe her family is in a witness relocation program.

  “Yes,” she says, kind of tired and maybe just a tad annoyed.

  2. INTRODUCTION

  “Hi, um, my name’s Darren, I’m sort of a . . . a friend of Zoey’s.”

  Zoey’s mom, if that’s who this really is, shifts her weight and blinks her eyes once very slowly but doesn’t say anything. Darren can’t remember any of the things he came up with to say on the ride over, probably because he hadn’t considered the possibility that this particular woman would open the door.

  3. INQUIRY

  Eventually he just asks, and not because he thinks this is the smartest thing to say, “Is Zoey okay?” As soon as he says this, he suddenly has to swallow something, sniffle almost violently, readjust his feet, and let go of his wrist, which was getting pretty sweaty.

  Zoey’s mom, whose skin, Darren now notices, is pretty dark, almost black, in the area around her eyes, closes her mouth (which wasn’t exactly open to begin with) in s
uch a way that her thin lips almost disappear altogether.

  4. CONFESSION

  “I just . . . ,” Darren continues. “I know she must have gone somewhere, but so I was worried.”

  “Zoey’s fine,” her mom says, but for a moment looks back inside the house (which is totally silent) when she says this. Even so, Darren can see how the nostrils on her small nose got much bigger after she spoke, like she is very mad or very sad or maybe even both. Then the two of them just stand there for a moment, or maybe a few moments, until she says, “Thank you,” and starts shutting the door.

  5. REQUEST

  “Please, wait,” Darren says as politely as he can, and holds out the letter. “Would you give her this? Please.”

  Zoey’s mom takes it but doesn’t say that she’ll send it. Instead she just closes the door, which then clicks a couple times again, only faster this time.

  6. FAREWELL

  “Okay, bye,” Darren says to the door. Then he wipes his right wrist on the side of his khakis and walks slowly back to his bike. The leaves on one of the trees lining the Lovells’ street are starting to change colors. Or maybe that tree is just sick for some reason.

  4 Suspicions Darren Has about This Cold Medicine, Which Feels Like It’s Kicking In Again Right as He Reaches the Third-Floor Landing in Front of Dr. Schrier’s Office

  1. This isn’t actually cold medicine.

  2. Whatever it is, I’m taking too much of it.

  3. It might be a very bad idea to take too much medication or the wrong medication or too much of the wrong medication and then go to therapy with your dad.

  4. I might just be sicker than I thought.

  5 Relatively Innocuous Questions Dr. Schrier Asks Darren as Some Kind of Warm-up Round to Begin Today’s Session

  1. So how’s school going?

  2. Are your peers discussing college yet?