Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You
Page 19
3. You’re a bit under the weather today, yes?
4. Are you still enjoying having Nate back home?
5. Any plans for the weekend?
1 and Only 1 Type of Punctuation a Person Would Need in Order to Transcribe about 94 Percent of Dr. Schrier’s Speech
1. ?
7 Physical Features or Mannerisms of Dr. Schrier’s Darren Finds Himself Zoning Out On
1. His beard, in particular the way his mustache is way grayer than the rest of it (which is sandy brown)
2. His silver-framed glasses that are insanely out of fashion
3. The round ball of flesh that is the tip of his nose
4. The deep wrinkles running horizontally and vertically over his forehead
5. The way he rubs the end of his left thumb along the length of his index finger when someone else is talking
6. The slow, inconsistent rhythm at which he bobs the toe of his left shoe, which is at the end of the leg crossed over his right leg
7. How he occasionally lifts his chin a bit and inhales, as if the air just above his nose is better than the air below
5 Combinations of People (All Involving His Dad, Darren, and Someone Else) Discussed and Analyzed during This Session
1. HIS DAD, DARREN, AND DARREN’S FRIENDS (OR LACK THEREOF)
“I told Darren,” his dad says to Dr. Schrier, “that he could tell me if—if my situation, my being gay, if that was placing constraints on his ability to make and develop friendships.”
“You didn’t tell me,” Darren says. “You asked me to tell you. If it was.”
“Okay. That’s fair,” his dad says.
“Constraints?” Dr. Schrier asks.
“Yes, constraints,” his dad answers.
“Darren”—Dr. Schrier turns to him—“do you know what your father means by ‘constraints’?”
Darren shrugs his shoulders.
No one says anything for a good five seconds. Darren, alone on the couch, blows his nose. His dad and Dr. Schrier, each in one of the armchairs that face one another, have some kind of elaborate conversation with their eyes and the angles at which they hold their heads.
“As best I can tell,” his dad says, and then clears his throat, “you’re spending a lot of time alone, Darren—”
“So?”
“Well, I would hope that—that you’re not alone as much as you are because you feel uncomfortable with people knowing about me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“If you’re ashamed—”
“I’m not ashamed,” Darren says, clearly annoyed. “I’m not.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t care that you’re gay.”
“Okay,” his dad repeats, sounding a bit hurt.
“Would you guys still be married if you weren’t?”
“That’s an impossible question, Darren,” his dad says. “If I weren’t gay I wouldn’t be me, and so who knows what would have been.”
“But you said that’s not why you got divorced.”
“Well, not exactly why. Not only why. But it’s hard to say, I—”
“If you’re not together anymore,” Darren says, “then whatever. You can be whatever you want.”
More silence for a while. Dr. Schrier writes something on his pad.
“Not being ashamed of having a gay father, who you did not know was gay until rather recently, this,” Dr. Schrier says, “speaks to an unusually tolerant and mature son, wouldn’t you say, Darren?”
“Whatever, I have no idea. I don’t care. Not about that. Maybe about the divorce and him being kind of a freak and—”
“A what?” his dad asks.
“Forget it.”
“You said freak.”
Darren says nothing.
“You think I’m a freak.” Darren almost turns to his dad. “Why do you think I’m a freak?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because of everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah. How you talk now and all those books you have and that smell in your apartment—”
“The incense?”
“Whatever. And that little shrine or whatever it is in the corner of your living room. And that you keep asking me to come here so we can talk about how awesome it is that you’re gay.”
“That was hurtful.”
Darren blows his nose.
2. HIS DAD, DARREN, AND NATE
“What about Nate?” his dad asks.
“What about him?”
“Do you . . .” His dad runs his hand over his bald scalp. “Do you enjoy having him back?”
“Dr. Schrier already asked me that.”
“I know, I know. But truly. Do you?”
Darren crumples up the Kleenex and sets it down on the coffee table. “Sometimes.”
“Sometimes yes, sometimes no?” Dr. Schrier asks.
Darren nods.
“When no?” his dad asks.
“What?” Darren responds, confused.
“Sometimes you’re not happy he’s back, is that what you meant?” his dad asks.
Darren shrugs his shoulders.
“When would be a time like that?” Dr. Schrier asks.
“You guys know.”
“We do?” Dr. Schrier asks.
His dad smiles a bit.
“He should be at U of M.”
“Why is that?” Dr. Schrier asks.
“Because he’s twenty and smart and got in there.”
“Perhaps he needs some time off,” his dad says. “To figure out what he hopes to get out of his college years. To do some searching.”
“Like you?” Darren asks.
“And what is that supposed to mean?” his dad asks.
Darren blows his nose and tries to clear his throat but fails.
3. HIS DAD, DARREN, AND DR. SCHRIER
“Darren, why do you come here?” Dr. Schrier asks.
“Because my dad asks me to,” Darren says.
“But he gives you the option not to, yes?”
“Yeah.”
“Nate, for instance, Nate elects not to come, correct?”
“So?”
“So, you don’t have to come, but you do. So why?”
Darren doesn’t say anything. Studies the fern on Dr. Schrier’s desk. He suddenly wishes this fern was in his room at the house.
“Would you at all,” Dr. Schrier continues, “would you want to come here without your father?” Darren looks at Dr. Schrier. “Would that interest you more or less than coming here with him?”
“Yeah,” Darren says, and wrestles again with the phlegm in his throat. “Maybe.”
He looks at his dad, who appears deeply satisfied.
4. HIS DAD, DARREN, AND ANOTHER HYPOTHETICAL MAN
“Darren,” his dad says.
“Yeah?”
“How do you think you’d feel if I . . .” His dad looks at Dr. Schrier, who nods.
Darren looks back and forth at both of them, like he’s watching a tennis match in which both players have agreed to cheat.
“If I brought a boyfriend home, how would you feel?”
“You have a boyfriend?”
“No, I do not. But if I did?”
Darren says nothing.
“It’s just, I’ve begun to suspect I’m a serial monogamist at heart.”
“A what?”
“How would you define that, Dr. Schrier?” his dad asks.
“A person who participates in a series of exclusive relationships?”
“A lot of men, Darren, like myself ”—his dad quickly licks his bottom lip—“have numerous partners. Without any commitment.”
“So?”
“That doesn’t feel right to me.”
Darren’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He ignores it. As does everyone else, more or less.
“Not morally. I mean right, as in, it doesn’t suit me.”
There aren’t any plants in the house. Maybe that explains some
thing.
“What I’m getting at,” his dad continues, “is that I started dating your mother when I was twenty-two. I had exactly one girlfriend before her, Catherine Parcell. She and I dated for the last three years of high school. I dated no one else. And so despite, you know, who I am now, I feel a strong urge to find a partner.”
“Okay.”
“And so I was wondering, how you, if I were to—”
“How the hell am I supposed to know?”
5. HIS DAD, DARREN, AND RACHEL
Darren’s phone vibrates again. And then again. He takes it out of his pocket. Three texts from Rachel: I’m here! Call me! CALL ME!!! Darren sniffles and possibly smiles. Puts the phone down and looks at Dr. Schrier.
“Something urgent?” the doctor asks, possibly in jest.
“For her,” Darren says.
“Her?” his dad asks.
“Yeah.”
“Do you need to write her back?”
“Soon.”
“Her?” Dr. Schrier asks.
Darren looks at his dad, not necessarily with approval.
“Uh-huh.”
“Whoever she is, she’s a lucky girl,” his dad says proudly. Darren rolls his eyes. “What? She is. You’re a catch, Darren.”
“Ha.”
“Not ‘ha.’ You’re an amazing young man, Darren.”
“Whatever.”
Darren leans forward, grabs a few pieces of Kleenex, stuffs them in his pocket, and stands up. “I like someone else.” He walks toward the door. “I’ve got to call her.”
Darren shuffles down the stairs, wondering what he’d talk about with Dr. Schrier if it was just the two of them.
2, Possibly 3, Lies Darren Texts Rachel
1. Cant call in an appointment
2. Awesome ur here
3. Will call soon
2 Reasons Darren Declines His Dad’s Invitation for Darren to Drive Home
1. This medication is really strong and messing with his head.
2. He doesn’t want to drive, ever, so please stop asking.
6 Opinions His Dad Shares with Him on the Ride Home
1. Your willingness to share your sensitivity shows great courage.
2. I am certain Dr. Schrier admires this as well.
3. I believe we’ll look back on these sessions and be grateful.
4. I am not as much of a freak as you may believe.
5. Everyone’s a freak, Darren.
6. I have simply chosen to hide my freakishness less than most.
2 Questions Darren Badly Wants to Ask His Dad but Doesn’t
1. Do you really think Mom’s hiding her freakishness?
2. If so, what’s she hiding?
2 People Who It Turns Out Aren’t Feeling So Hot Today, Though the Second One Is Doing Way Worse Than the First (It Must Have Been the Sushi Rachel and Her Had on the Way Back from the Airport, Even Though, Luckily, Rachel Is Somehow Totally Fine, but, Oh My God, Krista Is Definitely Not)
1. Darren
2. Krista
5 Parts of a New Plan Darren Finds Himself Suggesting or Agreeing To
1. Rachel will leave Krista’s place, because it’s pretty clear she and her parents have better things to do than take care of a houseguest right now.
2. Rachel will come over to Darren’s, since she doesn’t really know anyone else in Chicago.
3. Darren and his mom will pick her up. Darren will drive. Maybe.
4. Rachel will stay for dinner.
5. And maybe even the night as well, though the relevant parents will have to discuss this one first.
11 Self-Directed Questions Darren Has Difficulty Answering While Driving Himself and His Mom to Krista’s House
1. How do you feel about Rachel maybe sleeping under the same roof as you?
2. How do you feel about the likelihood of the two of you being alone under this roof for a couple hours after dinner, assuming your mom goes to synagogue and Nate takes off as well?
3. Should you have let Rachel know that dinner is actually Shabbat dinner?
4. Is this all some kind of sign?
5. Some kind of plan?
6. Why do you continue to fear turning left?
7. Can’t you see that this green arrow has been installed at this intersection in order to facilitate and simplify just this very maneuver?
8. Who is this Rachel person?
9. And what about Zoey?
10. And why does this cold medicine make it feel like two small lead balloons have been inflated below your cheeks?
11. How many distinct and separate things are wrong with you at this very moment?
2 People and Their Respective Positions on an Invisible Spectrum Labeled “Degree of Knowledge Concerning Rachel and Darren’s Relationship”
1. Darren—the left edge, which is for those who know just about everything there is to know
2. His mom—the right edge, which is for people who don’t even know they have a relationship
4 Objects or Entities Darren Is Thankful Require His Attention during His Mom’s On-Again, Off-Again Interview of Him (an Interview That Might Be Titled “So Who Is This Rachel Girl, Exactly? I Don’t Remember You Mentioning Any Rachel before Today.”)
1. The stop light at Church and Crawford
2. The shiny blue pickup truck pulling out in front of him
3. The police car driving ominously in the other direction
4. The squirrel with a death wish just a couple of houses from Krista’s
5 Developments That Freak Darren Out a Little Bit to a Lot a Bit within Twenty Seconds of Their Arrival at Krista’s
1. Rachel (bag in hand) is already waiting in front of the house with a man who must be Krista’s father.
2. Rachel hugs Darren in a way (long and tight and unmistakably audible) that likely reveals to his mom (busy introducing herself to Krista’s father, but more than capable of multitasking in this instance) that none of the information she acquired during their recent interview should be considered even remotely reliable.
3. This hug feels kind of good, especially for the part of him that is ill, as if Rachel contains healing properties.
4. And even though thankfully she doesn’t try to kiss him (he had his “I’m pretty sure I have a cold” excuse ready, just in case), he realizes that he maybe wouldn’t be opposed to such a thing, assuming his mom (and Krista’s dad) were someplace else.
5. Someone (e.g., Krista, probably) moans from somewhere up on the second floor, because a couple windows are open up there, who knows why.
1 Additional Development That Freaks Darren Out More Than a Little Bit and So Deserves to Be Mentioned Separately
1. Rachel has dyed her hair black. And cut it short. Holy shit. It looks really good. Really, really good.
3 Features of Rachel’s Face Newly Framed by This Inviting Yet Daunting Hairdo
1. Her large green eyes, which now seem a little magical, like if she were capable of casting a spell, these eyes would probably get even a little greener right when she was doing that.
2. The wideness of her cheeks, which almost seem to be actively pushing out against the edges of her hair.
3. Her steady smile and the slight, slight gap between her two front teeth, because maybe there is some very interesting disagreement taking place between her smile and her hair, such that Darren suddenly doubts that he really knows Rachel at all.
7 Reasons Why Darren’s Brain Is Malfunctioning
1. His mom clearly knows (he can tell by the tone of her voice and the little, barely contained grin on her face) that Rachel is not just “some girl.”
2. His mom seems to approve (her voice is doing that “I will try to make you enthusiastic by sounding enthusiastic myself ” and/or “I will help you think this is okay by sounding like I think it’s okay” thing), as if she somehow knows that Darren isn’t sure how he himself feels about their new, soon-to-be guest.
3. Rachel and his mom are totally hitting it off (chatting easi
ly and laughing regularly), to the point that Darren (were he to get more sick himself or somehow just announce his refusal to participate in the coming visit) can pretty much picture them going shopping or taking a walk or just sitting in the living room drinking fancy espresso drinks and having a blast together.
4. A tiny little particle or two of something rising off Rachel has managed to burrow its way into the smell-interpreting part of Darren’s snot-laden sinuses. Jesus, it’s the first thing he’s actually smelled today. It’s one of those morning-dew, forest-after-the-rain scents that he loves for some reason. Dammit.
5. He’s supposed to not kill them accidentally while guiding this two-ton machine through these deadly streets.
6. If Darren sneaks like a quarter-second look in the rearview mirror (while squinting his eyes in a way that is maybe dangerous and definitely stupid, considering he’s driving), then he can nearly convince himself that Zoey is sitting in the backseat.
7. Only it’s not Zoey, or not the Zoey he remembers, but a warm, friendly, funny, and extroverted Zoey, a Zoey other regular, normal human beings would approve of and know what to do with, a Zoey who probably wouldn’t indirectly turn him into a smoker or disappear on him or break his dim-witted, gullible heart.
4 Lengthy Conversations Darren Somehow Has Instantly, Merely by Getting Caught Noticing the Intricate, Bewildering Expressions on Various Faces
1. The one with his mom right after they pull into the garage and she leans over to undo her seat belt
2. The one with Rachel when he walks back to the trunk with her to remove her bag
3. The one with his mom and Rachel in the kitchen, right after his mom asks Rachel what she’d like to drink and Rachel says, “Nothing, thanks, I’m fine,” only his mom insists, so the two of them sort of volley this back and forth, faster and faster, until they somehow start laughing like this is absolutely hysterical
4. The one he has with himself in the bathroom mirror. He knew he shouldn’t have looked up while washing his hands