A Seat by the Hearth

by Amy Clipston

  The service began with a hymn, and Priscilla redirected her thoughts to the present. She joined in as the congregation slowly sang the opening hymn. During the last verse of the second hymn, Priscilla’s gaze moved to the back of the barn just as the ministers returned from choosing who would preach. They placed their hats on two hay bales, indicating that the service was about to begin.

  As the chosen minister began the first sermon, Priscilla folded her hands in her lap and studied them, but her thoughts turned to Mark and their new life together. She tried her best to keep her focus on the minister, but her stare moved toward the men across the aisle. Mark sat with his head bowed, looking at his lap.

  Was he thinking about their first couple of days as husband and wife? Did he already regret his decision to marry her?

  Or did he feel the same invisible magnet she felt pulling her to him, causing her to long for a true marriage?

  While the minister continued to talk in German, Priscilla lost herself in thoughts of the past couple of months. She’d gone from being shunned to being engaged at lightning speed. Now she was a married woman, joined to a man she’d never considered as a husband. How had her life become so out of control? But she’d never again be in control of her own decisions. Now her husband would make all the decisions for her and her son.

  She looked at Kayla’s belly and felt a sudden tug. Would she ever have another child? Would she ever give Ethan a brother or sister?

  Stop torturing yourself! You told Mark you wanted a marriage without intimacy, and he seems more okay with that than ever.

  Priscilla redirected her thoughts to the sermon, taking in the message and concentrating on God. She wondered what God had in store for her, despite what she and Mark currently felt. Did he want her and Mark to have a real marriage? Should she initiate intimacy? No, of course not! If Mark ever wanted to kiss her, he would. It was up to him to initiate any intimacy between them.

  The first sermon ended, and Priscilla knelt in silent prayer between her sisters-in-law. She needed God to guide her heart and give her strength. Closing her eyes, she began to pray.

  God, I’m still confused. I felt you leading me toward this marriage with Mark, but it still doesn’t feel right. Are we supposed to live like two freinden, instead of husband and fraa? I thought we were, but if that’s true, why do I feel like something is missing in our marriage? I can’t make Mark love me, but I find myself longing for him to kiss me and tell me he loves me. Who am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be truly his fraa, or am I supposed to be married to him in name only? Please show me what my role should be as Priscilla Riehl.

  After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures, and then the hour-long main sermon began. Priscilla looked at Mark once again and found him watching her, his gorgeous blue eyes intense. He nodded, and she smiled in response. She hoped her growing feelings for him weren’t written on her face. She couldn’t allow him to know if her feelings weren’t reciprocated. The rejection would be too painful to endure.

  Relief flooded Priscilla when the fifteen-minute kneeling prayer was over. The congregation stood for the benediction and sang the closing hymn. While she sang, her eyes moved to Mark again. She wondered if he could feel her watching him.

  Laura touched Priscilla’s and Kayla’s hands. “I’m ready to serve if you are.”

  “Ya, I am,” Kayla said.

  With one more glance toward Mark, who was now talking to Jamie and Ethan, Priscilla followed her sisters-in-law out of the barn.

  As she walked up the path to the house, she heard someone call her name. She turned and stopped as Franey hurried after her. Jealousy bubbled up in her throat.

  “Could I please talk to you for a moment?” Franey wrung her hands. Was she nervous?

  “Of course.” Priscilla nodded toward a nearby tree, her curiosity piqued.

  “I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you at the wedding.” Franey gestured toward her. “So congratulations on your marriage.”

  “Danki.” Priscilla folded her arms over her middle and studied her. “What did you really want to say to me?”

  Franey cleared her throat and glanced toward the barn before meeting her gaze again. She was nervous, and Priscilla almost smiled. How the tables had turned!

  “I owe you an apology.”

  “An apology for what?”

  “I said some terrible things when I found out Mark had proposed to you, and I’m embarrassed now. I was jealous, and jealousy is a sin.”

  Surprised, Priscilla tamped down her own jealousy. “What did you say?”

  “It was the day Mark came to the store to buy supplies for you. I was angry. I had thought for years that Mark cared about me, so I was upset when he decided to marry you.” Franey swallowed and her eyes gleamed with tears. “After I’d waited patiently for five years, I thought it wouldn’t be much longer before he asked me to marry him.” She paused and cleared her throat.

  “When Sadie Liz came to the back of the store to say Mark was there, we talked about you. Sadie Liz said she didn’t know why Mark had asked you to marry him, and I said that you already had a kind, so maybe you were expecting one together.” She looked away as her cheeks grew pink.

  Priscilla felt her eyes narrow. “How could you make an assumption like that?”

  Franey wiped at her eyes as she turned to look at her. “I never should have said that. It was cruel and heartless. And Mark overheard it. He defended you and made me realize I was terrible to say that about you. And I’m very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Mark defended me?”

  Franey nodded. “Ya.”

  “How?”

  Franey shook her head. “After he paid for your supplies, he told me it was a sin to spread rumors, so I knew he’d heard me.” She wiped away a tear. “I’m so sorry. I was terrible. Mark chose you, and I’m froh for you both. I really am.”

  Priscilla nodded as Franey’s words soaked through her. Mark had defended her? No one had ever defended her until Mark did when her father and John Smucker accused her of inappropriate behavior. And now she was learning Mark had defended her again.

  Appreciation swirled through her.

  “Do you forgive me?” Franey asked.

  “Ya, of course I do. Danki for being honest.”

  “Gern gschehne.” Franey gave her an awkward hug and then scurried to the house.

  As Priscilla glanced toward the barn, she smiled. Maybe Mark did truly care about her. Maybe they did have the seeds of a real marriage.

  Her heart soared. She couldn’t wait to thank him later.

  Priscilla stood on the porch of the daadihaus later that afternoon. She rested her hand on the railing as she watched Mark and her father exit the barn together after stowing the buggies.

  As Mark came up the path toward her, he smiled and waved. She took in his attractive face and bright, intelligent eyes as Franey’s words from earlier filtered through her mind. How did she manage to marry such a good man?

  It’s a marriage of convenience.

  Her smile faded away like ashes on the wind as the words taunted her.

  “What’s on your mind?” Mark jogged up the steps and came to stand beside her.

  “Franey told me something earlier.”

  “Oh?” His eyebrows rose. “What did she say?”

  “She told me what you said to her in the fabric store.”

  “What do you mean?” He leaned back against the porch railing.

  She repeated the conversation as his eyes widened. “You defended me. No one had ever done that for me until you did that day in the barn with my father and the bishop, and now you’ve done it again.”

  “Of course I defended you.” He stood up straight. “You’re mei fraa, and I’ll always defend you. I hope you’ll do the same for me.”

  “Danki.”

  His smile returned. He crossed the porch and opened the storm door. “Is any of the chocolate kuche left?”

  “Only if you haven’t f
inished it.”

  “Let’s have a piece. I’ll put on some kaffi.” He disappeared into the house.

  A pang of guilt flashed through Priscilla as she stood on the porch. She didn’t deserve a husband as good as Mark, but someday soon he’d realize he needed more than he’d ever want from her.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  “COME ON, ETHAN,” MARK CALLED FROM THE PORCH. “You’re going to be late for school.”

  Ethan grabbed his lunch box and dashed out the front door.

  Mark glanced past him at Priscilla, who smiled and shook her head. She was beautiful today, just as beautiful as every day since they’d married exactly a month ago. There was something in her eyes too. Maybe he was imagining it, but she seemed more at ease this morning and less timid with him.

  “Let’s go!” Ethan called as he hurried down the path toward the driveway. “Mei freinden will be waiting for me, and they don’t like it when I’m late.”

  Mark took longer strides to catch up with him as the cool October breeze wafted over them. “How do you like school these days?”

  “It’s gut.” Ethan nodded. “Mei freinden and the teacher are nice.”

  “Gut. What’s your favorite subject?” Mark asked.

  “Math.”

  “Really?”

  “Ya.” They hurried down the driveway to where his group of friends always met him so they could walk together to school.

  When the group of children came into view, Ethan quickened his steps.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” Mark said.

  Ethan stopped and spun.

  “Where’s my high five?” Mark asked.

  “Oh! Sorry!” Ethan giggled as he gave Mark a high five. Then he ran off.

  “Have a gut day,” Mark called after him.

  “Thanks, Dat!” Ethan tossed over his shoulder with a little wave.

  Mark’s smile widened at the name. He enjoyed it when Ethan called him Dat. He relished being someone’s father.

  Mark walked back up the driveway and breathed in the crisp air. He smiled as the daadihaus came into view.

  The past month had been better than he’d expected as he, Priscilla, and Ethan settled into a routine. He enjoyed walking Ethan to meet his friends in the morning and then working with Yonnie during the day. He ate lunch with Priscilla and then returned to chores in the afternoon. Ethan joined him after he returned from school, and then they worked together until supper.

  Everything was comfortable—until they went to bed at night. Priscilla continued to sleep in Ethan’s room. This shouldn’t have surprised Mark since she’d made it clear the day they met with the bishop to schedule the wedding that she wasn’t going to consider this a real marriage. He’d had second thoughts on their wedding day when he realized he’d love to have a child with Priscilla, but then he’d accepted her decision. Hadn’t he?

  So why did it still bother him so much?

  He dismissed the question and jogged up the porch steps. He smiled at the fall flowers Priscilla had planted in front of their little house. Just as she’d told him, it was apparent that she loved to work in a garden.

  When he stepped into the kitchen, he found Priscilla setting clean dishes into a cabinet.

  She looked over her shoulder at him. “Did Ethan make it in time to meet his freinden?”

  “Ya, he did.” Mark leaned his hip against the counter beside her. “He told me his favorite subject is math.”

  She smiled. “That’s great.”

  “I know. He’s schmaert, like his mamm.”

  She shook her head.

  “What?” Mark said. “You were brilliant when you married me.”

  She groaned and rolled her eyes as he laughed.

  “Let’s do something fun today,” he said.

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know.” He clapped his hands as an idea filled his mind. “Why don’t we go on a picnic?”

  “A picnic? On a Thursday?” She studied him as if he were crazy. “I have a pile of laundry waiting for me, and you have chores to do. We don’t have time for a picnic.”

  “Come on.” He spun her toward him and rested his hands on her shoulders as she peered up at him. “Let’s forget our chores for one day.”

  “What makes you think mei dat will let you take a day off?”

  “I don’t know. Let’s just do it.” He stared down at her, his eyes locking with hers. His heart kicked as he ran his finger down her soft cheek.

  Her eyes widened as she stared up at him. Something unspoken passed between them, and the air around them felt electrified. He was certain to the very depth of his marrow that she felt the attraction too.

  This was it. He was going to kiss his wife.

  “Priscilla,” he whispered as he leaned down.

  She sucked in a breath and then stepped away from him. “I need to get started on the laundry.”

  “What?” He shook himself.

  She swiveled away from him and hurriedly disappeared into the utility room.

  Mark leaned against the counter and held his breath while working to slow his racing heartbeat. He’d almost kissed her. He had been so close, but then she’d run off.

  Face it. She really doesn’t want to be more than freinden.

  He closed his eyes and took deep breaths until his pulse slowed to a normal rate. Then he headed out the front door, disappointment weighing down his strides as he hurried off to complete his chores.

  Priscilla leaned against the utility room door as she drew shallow breaths to slow her racing heart. When Mark spun her to face him and rested his hands on her shoulders, she was certain she was dreaming. But then he’d run his finger down her cheek and whispered her name, and she knew exactly what he was doing. He was going to kiss her.

  At first, she’d wanted it. In fact, she’d craved his touch. But then she remembered that Mark wasn’t in love with her, and she wasn’t the woman he’d wanted. She couldn’t allow him to worm his way into her heart only to reject her later when he realized he was disappointed in her. They needed to keep living as friends before they made a mistake they’d both regret.

  When Priscilla thought about Mark and Ethan, she admitted the past month had been wonderful. She’d enjoyed witnessing how their relationship was growing as the adoption process progressed. Ethan had started calling Mark Dat, and it was obvious Mark enjoyed it because of the smile he wore every time Ethan said it.

  Priscilla couldn’t jeopardize that by allowing Mark to take their relationship to a deeper level. She had to keep it platonic, no matter how difficult that was.

  When she heard the front door click shut, indicating that Mark had gone outside, Priscilla retrieved a laundry basket from the shelf in the utility room and then stepped into the bathroom to gather dirty laundry from the hamper.

  Soon she was running clothes through the wringer washer, and her thoughts wandered as she worked. She was grateful Ethan had not only made an easy transition to an Amish school shortly after they’d arrived, but now to living in the daadihaus. He had also accepted that Priscilla wanted to sleep in his room until the new house was built. She explained she and Mark preferred sleeping in separate bedrooms, and Ethan never asked any questions, not even when she told him that fact should be just between them. She and Mark didn’t need the world to know their marriage wasn’t . . . traditional.

  As she washed a pair of Mark’s trousers, she thought about how her heart had raced when he touched her. She didn’t recall feeling that kind of excitement when Trent touched her or kissed her. Did that mean her feelings were deeper for Mark than they’d been in the beginning with Trent?

  She dismissed the thought. She couldn’t allow herself to fall for Mark. It would never work. Remaining friends was the best solution.

  If only she could convince her heart to believe that too.

  “How’s it going?”

  Mark turned toward the barn entrance and found his older brother standing in the doorway. A van he hadn’t heard coming sat in the
driveway.

  “What are you doing here?” Mark leaned the pitchfork against the stall wall and wiped his hands down his trousers.

  “Well that’s a nice hello.” Jamie grinned. “I was out picking up supplies and thought I’d stop by.”

  Mark shook his hand. “It’s gut to see you.”

  “You too.” Jamie seemed to study him. “Is something on your mind?”

  “No.” Mark shook his head and tried to smile, despite the disappointment still eating at him. He’d spent all morning doing hard labor to try to dispel the frustration his wife’s rejection had caused him, but it still clung to him like a scratchy wool sweater. “How’s Kayla?”

  “She’s doing well.” Jamie’s face lit up. “She had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and the due date in a few weeks still seems right.”

  “Aren’t babies early sometimes?” Mark waved him off. “You should be at home.”

  “It’s fine.” Jamie shook his head. “Calvin was a week later than expected, and my driver has a cell phone handy. Kayla will call me if she needs me, and I can be there quickly.” He leaned back against the barn wall. “How are things with you? How’s married life?”

  Mark snorted and kicked a stone with the toe of his shoe.

  “Uh-oh.” Jamie’s smile drooped. “What’s going on?”

  Mark hesitated. Should he be honest with his brother? He longed to keep his confusing feelings to himself, but maybe Jamie could offer some helpful advice. “I was hoping that somehow Priscilla and I could have a real marriage instead of just a marriage in name only. But it’s impossible.”

  “I don’t understand.” Jamie’s brow furrowed.

  Mark shared how Priscilla had made it clear long before their wedding that they would never have a real marriage, and how she slept in Ethan’s room and shied away from any affection he tried to give her. He ended with telling him what happened earlier.

  “She won’t even let you kiss her?” Jamie asked.

  “No, but I know she cares about me, and I feel like she wants me to kiss her.” Mark swallowed as the reality hit him. “I thought I could be okay with this, but it’s starting to get to me. I adore Ethan, and I wouldn’t mind having a few more kinner running around. In fact, I’d love to have more kinner, but we’ll never have them. This is more difficult than I thought it would be when I agreed to live only as freinden.”