by Liz Isaacson
“I went out early so I could have more time.”
“Time for what?”
“Figure out what I’m doing.”
“Did you figure it out?”
“Not even close.” She turned toward him. “I think I just wanted to stay your girlfriend for another afternoon.”
Austin said nothing. His hand slid across her knee and took hers. “So this is it, then?”
“Did you know?”
“I don’t think you know,” he said. “And maybe you should figure it out before we go any further.”
“And we both need to be in a better place with our anger.” She didn’t want to tell him she didn’t appreciate his jealousy. He knew. She didn’t want it to be a deal-breaker between them either. She certainly wasn’t perfect.
“I’m trying,” he said, his voice broken somewhere deep inside him.
“I know you are.” She leaned her head against his arm and squeezed his hand. “We both just need to figure out who we are alone, before we can be together.”
“I know who I am,” he said. “I know what I want.” He shifted, glancing down at her. By the lights hanging on her eaves, she found the emotion teeming in his eyes. “I want you.” His whisper filled the night, filled her whole world.
Shay didn’t know how to be with him, not right now. “I need more time.”
“I’ll give you whatever you need.”
“I need to know I’m with you for the right reasons.”
Confusion filled his expression. “I thought we’d talked about that.”
“I have moments of doubt.”
He slowly slipped his hand out of hers. “You do need to figure that out. One thing I learned from my dad this weekend is that I’m not interested in a life that isn’t filled with love, with dedication, with commitment to talking things through.” He stood and took a few steps away, pausing to say over his shoulder, “If you only want me because I have the ranch, this ends here.”
Shay couldn’t assure him otherwise at the moment, so she let him walk away. Walk right down her sidewalk and out of her life. When she finally grew too cold to sit on the steps, she went inside, her heart a cold lump in her chest that neither Molly nor Lizzy could soothe.
Chapter Nineteen
Austin perfected the dance that ensured he wouldn’t run into Shay in the equipment shed. He either went really early, or he waited until he felt sure she would’ve been there and gone. He spent the evening hours he used to waste at Shay’s—lounging on her couch, holding her hand, driving into town with her to eat dinner—working on his house. Dylan didn’t need to run a mop around the place; Austin could do it himself.
After a particularly long day of work, from feeding chickens, to fixing the fences along the pasture’s north side, to prepping his fields, he worked in his house to make sure he was ready for moving day.
And he ended up not waiting, but using some of those after-work hours to move his clothes and boots and hats over to his new place. He didn’t have much furniture, besides the bed, but Shane said he could buy a couple of couches and a couple of barstools and a small table for the kitchen.
Austin spent Thursday night after work, when he would’ve normally attended his anger management meeting, wandering up and down the aisles of Fisher’s Furniture, the best place to get everything in one stop. Dylan kept sinking onto couch after couch, exclaiming that “this one’s nice, Austin. Come sit down.”
Austin didn’t want to sit down. He wanted to buy the few things he needed and get on home so he wouldn’t have to be in town at the same time Shay was. He hadn’t said anything to Shane or Dylan about the break-up on Monday night, so when Dylan said, “What happened with Shay?” Austin just shook his head.
“She told Shane she wanted to meet with him after the New Year.” Dylan walked slowly, half a step in front of Austin, sliding him a look out of the corner of his eye. “What’s that gonna be about?”
“I have no idea.” Austin scanned the couch selection, a black leather set catching his eye. He crossed the floor toward it and sank onto it. Dylan sat on the other end and opened the recliner, his cowboy boots sticking off the end.
“Yeah.” He smiled. “This one’s real nice.” He looked at Austin. “Right?”
Austin shook his head. “Right. This one’s nice.” He stood and flagged down the salesman who’d been tagging along behind them. As he started to look through the system to see what they had in stock and when it could be delivered, Austin tilted his head toward Dylan and said, “She broke up with me, because…well, for several reasons. Some are my flaws. Some are hers.”
The salesman said, “I can get this out next Thursday between three and five.”
“That’s great,” Austin said, barely listening as the salesman explained someone would call him on the way out and that they could check out at the big counter on the second floor if they had more to look for.
Since they did, Austin wandered over to the kitchen area in search of a table that would fit in the small space he had.
“So you’ll fix things,” Dylan said as if their conversation hadn’t been interrupted at all. “And then get back together.”
“I don’t know.” Austin ran his fingers over the top of an oak table. “We’ll see.”
“What flaws are yours?”
Austin didn’t want to dwell on them, but he also knew he needed to do something to fix them. “Jealousy. Anger. Expecting her to talk on the spot.”
“So don’t be jealous. Stop bein’ so mad. Give her time before she talks.”
Austin rolled his eyes. “Y’all make it sound so easy. But if you’ll remember right, I was the one who told Hazel we were moving and invited her to come. You forgot about her.”
“I was stressed.”
“So maybe I’m stressed right now.” Austin didn’t want to get into all the details. “I’ve been attending anger management classes these past few weeks.”
Dylan stepped in front of him, forcing him to look his brother in the eye. “You have? When?”
“Thursday nights.”
“I thought those were Bible Study classes.” He looked beyond curious, his eyes searching Austin’s for the truth.
“Well, I lied.” Austin shrugged. “I didn’t want Shane to get all parental the way he does, and I…I kinda just wanted it to be something I did until I figured out if it was beneficial or not.”
Dylan nodded like he had some understanding of the situation. “And was it?”
“It seemed to be helping, yes.” But Austin wasn’t sure if that was true or not. Yes, his fury hadn’t been nearly as hot as it had been previously. But how much of that had to do with the classes and how much with Shay? How much with Austin’s own ability to be frank with his father?
“I still haven’t heard everything about the Luxury Lodge weekend,” Dylan said, deftly changing the subject as Austin signaled someone to get the table he wanted.
“Oh, I don’t know if I can relive it,” Austin said, his voice partly said and partly sarcastic. He shook his head and headed for the checkout counter. “He’s…lonely. Joanna left him, and I think he’s starting to realize what he threw away twelve years ago. That, and that the way he feels and how people treat him is his fault.” Austin gave Dylan a half a smile, all he could muster at the moment. “Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.”
He paid for the furniture and he asked Dylan if he wanted to go to Burger Barn.
“Seriously?” Dylan asked.
“Seriously. They have fried pickles that are amazing, and the sweet potato fries….” He smacked his lips. “You’ll love them.”
Austin didn’t mean to stand on his back deck and face Shay’s house as the sun rose on the Sabbath. Somehow, his feet had simply brought him here. The air held a holiday crispness that Austin’s coffee mug kept off his fingers. He sipped, watching her house for signs of life.
The cabins had back doors, and when he saw her two German shepherds run between the cabins, he knew
she’d let them out back there. If she came around the corner, he’d duck back inside. Because surely she could see his back deck if she chose to look.
She probably wouldn’t choose to look though. She hadn’t been happy with his jealousy, and Austin hadn’t either. But Shay had literally mentioned no friends. Heck, she’d hardly spoken of her time in the Army at all, only saying something when he pried it out of her.
And did he really want to be with someone who thought a conversation was explaining how to fix a baler?
He shook his head, his heart hanging heavily in his chest, and went back inside before Shay caught him pining for her on his back deck.
He’d spoken true when he’d told her he wanted her. He’d said, “I want you,” but he could’ve just as easily said, “I love you.”
He wasn’t entirely sure, because Austin had never been in love before. But his pulse quickened when he thought of Shay, even now. He couldn’t imagine living on this ranch with her, but without her to hold hands with, talk to, kiss goodnight.
He liked that she wasn’t perfect. That her life hadn’t been constructed with sunshine and unicorns. That she’d made something of herself, picked up pieces when they broke, and kept trying. She inspired him to do the same thing, and he settled at the bar, because the other furniture wouldn’t be delivered until later in the week.
With his laptop open, he navigated to the online anger management group he’d found. They had articles, videos, and a forum where people could talk. Austin could read something he’d been thinking about. Watch a video to help him learn coping strategies. Post in the forum and interact with others.
The online group wasn’t where he really wanted to be, but he couldn’t insert himself into Shay’s meetings. Not again. Not until he knew for sure that she wanted him for him and not because he came with one-third of the ranch.
He’d learned so much already, and he wasn’t angry with Shay. Or himself. Or his father. Austin felt a keen sense of acceptance for who they all were—children of God—and a thick blanket of peace fell over him.
He closed the laptop without reading or watching or posting, and moved over to a box he’d hidden away. He’d found it in the shed when he and Shay had gone through the Christmas decorations and put it in the house weeks ago.
It held photographs of earlier times on the ranch. There had been an entire album of the Christmas lights all lit up on the top, which was probably how the box had ended up in the shed. He moved that book aside, having already looked at all those beautiful pictures. Triple Towers had been featured in the Texas Hill Country magazine at one point, and the same fondness he’d felt when he’d see the article filtered through him now.
The photos underneath were loose, and in no particular order. There were a lot of smiling faces he didn’t recognize—ranch hands throughout the years. His eye caught on one that looked like a family, and he curled his fingers around it.
His breath caught in his throat, and he knew exactly what to do with this picture. Pinching it tightly, he walked back onto the deck and gazed at Shay’s house. Would she like to see it again? Would it remind her of happier times on the ranch?
The little girl in the picture—clearly Shay—was smiling so widely it looked like her face might crack. Her mother and father crouched behind her, both of them wearing radiant grins too. This was clearly a celebration to remember, something grand, because the joy exuded from the picture and filled Austin’s whole soul.
Her front door opened, and Austin scampered back into the house, nearly dropping the photograph in the process. He set it carefully back in the box and went to get ready for church. He never thought he’d enjoy making the drive on Sunday mornings with Shay, but he had. So much. So much it made his chest ache when he had to do it alone.
Church was boring, mostly because he couldn’t focus so the sermon seemed to go on and on. He couldn’t bear to go back to his house, though he’d been looking forward to living in it for months now. Alone. He thought that was what he wanted.
How wrong he’d been.
Now that he had a taste of life with Shay, he wanted her in the house with him, the scent of homemade spaghetti sauce filling the air as they talked about the ranch, the upcoming holidays, their fathers.
He drove past the turn-off to the ranch, wondering how far west he could get on this road. He let his mind wander, finding some relief from the barrage of thoughts that had been plaguing him since she’d broken up with him almost a week ago.
With only another week until Christmas, Austin wondered if he should call his dad and go to San Antonio. At the very least, he and his brothers should invite their dad up to the festivities at the ranch, especially with Joanna gone now.
Please help me know what to do, Austin prayed. He felt like he’d tossed several balls into the air—the ranch, Shay, his anger, his jealousy, his father—and they were all headed down. He had no idea if he could catch them all or not, and he felt like something important was going to shatter.
Get on home and talk to Shane and Dylan.
He wasn’t sure if the thought came from him or God, but he swung the truck around and headed back to the ranch. He didn’t knock as he went into the homestead, and the sound of his brothers’ laughter met his ears.
A smile popped onto his face too, and he joined them in the kitchen, where Robin stood at the counter with two pizzas in front of her, laughing too. Hazel came down the hall, her eyes as curious as Austin felt.
“What’s got y’all laughing so hard?” he asked.
There was something familial about the scene, and how perfectly Austin fit into it, like the last puzzle piece that had been missing for a while. He glanced around, more at home now than he’d been anywhere else, and this ranch held a hint of the divine in the very air. He loved it.
“Oh, nothing,” Shane said, standing up to cut the pizzas. “Where you been?”
“Church.”
“We went too,” Shane said. “And we’ve been home for forty minutes.”
“Drivin’ around.”
“Figuring out how to get Shay back,” Dylan added as he stepped over to Hazel and swept his arm around her. Their love was almost cute, and Austin almost didn’t feel a pang of longing so strongly that his muscles tensed.
“Some of that,” Austin admitted. “And I was also thinkin’ maybe we should invite Dad to the ranch for Christmas….” He let his words hang there, hoping his brothers would experience a softening of the heart.
The last of Shane’s smile faded, and Dylan fell quiet. He’d look to Shane for his lead, and Austin usually did too. But in this, he wanted his voice to be heard.
“Joanna left him, and I just think it would be…prudent for us to extend the olive branch this holiday season. He shouldn’t be alone.”
“He shouldn’t have done a lot of things.” Shane sliced through the first pizza with quick strokes while Robin busied herself with opening a bag of salad.
“I’m not saying he’s perfect, or that anything he’s done is right,” Austin said. “I’m saying, maybe he deserves another chance.” He looked at everyone standing in the room. “Don’t you think people deserve more than one chance?”
Hazel nudged Dylan and said, “I gave you more than one chance.”
“We’ve all had more than one chance,” Robin said. “Shane asked me out several times before I said yes.” She bumped into him with her hip. “Best thing I ever did. I’m glad he didn’t give up on me.”
“Oh, come on,” Shane said, his eyes flashing with lightning. “Those second chances are completely different than what our dad did. The man cheated on his wife and bankrupted our ranch. Then he left us to fend for ourselves, take care of our mother, and figure out our own way in the world.”
Silence followed Shane’s words, and Austin felt the truth of them way down in his soul. They used to make him so angry he couldn’t see straight. But now…. Now he just felt sorry for his father.
“And look where we ended up,” he said through a tig
ht throat. “Together. Two of us happy and in love. This great ranch we’re working together, where we won’t repeat those mistakes, where our kids can grow up, and hopefully inherit this place when our time on Earth is up.”
Shane shook his head. “All three of us could be happy in love if he’d stop bein’ so stubborn.”
Austin felt like he’d been hit with ice water in the face. “That’s not true. It’s not me who’s holding things back with Shay.”
“No?” Shane put the pizza cutter in the sink and faced Austin. “I believe Dylan said some of the issues were yours.”
“They are, of course,” he said. “But Shay’s the one who has to decide if she wants to be with me because it’s me, or because I can give her the ranch she lost.”
His words landed harshly in the kitchen, making every eye turn round.
“She’s not a bad person,” he said quickly. “But I told her if what we had was just about the ranch, it’s over.” And he miserable from head to toe at the very thought. He cleared his throat, his stomach suddenly providing the perfect escape from this conversation by growling loudly.
“Can we eat? I’m starving.” He practically lunged for a paper plate and loaded it with five slices of pizza, skipping the salad completely. “And can we at least all think about inviting Dad for Christmas? Maybe we can talk about it again in a couple of days.”
“Let’s say grace,” Shane said, taking Austin’s plate. “Then we can eat.”
“And we’ll think about inviting Dad.” Dylan stepped next to Shane. “Right, Shane. We’ll think about it?”
And while Shane certainly didn’t look like he’d think about it, he said, “Sure, I’ll think about it.”
Austin enjoyed the rest of the afternoon with his family, but he didn’t stay as long as he would have if he’d still lived in the homestead. He couldn’t help feeling like the fifth wheel, and how everything would be better if Shay were beside him.
And he knew: She was the missing piece in his life. The final piece that would make the jumbled mess of his life complete.
