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Dear Dumb Diary #9: That's What Friends Aren't For

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by Jim Benton

Angeline tried to spoil my fantasy by offering

  me something from her lunch, but I didn’t take it.

  We cutely unfortunate girls are too proud to accept

  charity and we don’t really like raisins. I mean, if

  one day down at the raisin factory they accidentally

  dropped a bunch of dehydrated warts in your

  raisins, would you be able to tell?

  63

  FRIDAY 13

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I got the first “BAND” applications today.

  I’m not telling these people that they’re applying

  for the position of Fourth Friend, because I

  don’t want any of them to be too disappointed

  when they don’t get the job. Pretty friendly of

  me, right?

  I spoke with the following three applicants

  at lunch. They were all breezy and chummy, but

  I felt like I should keep the atmosphere more

  official. After all, I’m selecting what will probably

  be a lifelong friend here, so I need to ask a few

  important questions.

  64

  Applicant’s name: Margaret

  First Impression: Margaret is nice, but not that

  interesting. She is like a half slice of toast with a

  small amount of diet jelly on it.

  Known Weirdnesses: Margaret is a pencil

  chewer and is, therefore, beaverish.

  “Why do you think you’d be right for

  this position?” Margaret removed the pencil

  from her mouth long enough to respond: “You know

  what — forget it. I don’t want to be in your band.”

  Interviewer notes: I’m a bit concerned that

  pencils are a gateway chew toy that could lead

  to more dangerous chew toys like the fingers

  of bandmates. For this reason, as well as the

  beaverishness, this application is: REJECTED.

  65

  Applicant’s name: Elizabeth

  First Impression: Elizabeth is politely not

  pretty — even less pretty than Isabella — which I

  find friendly.

  Known Weirdnesses: Spittish. Once I saw

  Elizabeth sneeze in front of a window, and the spit mist

  was so extreme that I saw a rainbow in her spew cloud.

  “Why do you think you’d be right for

  this position?” Elizabeth responded, “I’d like

  to hang around with Angeline. She’s in the band,

  too, right?”

  Interviewer notes: Of all the ways to have

  the name Elizabeth (Beth, Betsy, Liz, Lizbeth,

  Lizzy, Betty, Eliza) she has chosen the least cute

  one, and that troubles me. I give her points for her

  willingness to be the ugliest girl in the group, but I

  don’t want to get all spitted on, plus she seems to

  have an unhealthy obsession about Angeline so this

  one is also: REJECTED.

  66

  Applicant’s name: Shannon

  First Impression: Shannon is small and would

  be easy to carry if a Shannon-carrying situation

  were to arise.

  Known Weirdnesses: Shannon once swallowed

  a pretzel incorrectly at a water park and has

  tragically lost the ability to burp.

  “Why do you think you’d be right for

  this position?” Shannon’s response: “I’m really

  reliable and small, which makes me easy to carry.”

  Interviewer notes: Shannon keeps herself

  very clean, and I really can’t stress how much I

  admire the fact that she is small. But I’m worried

  that the digestive system of a person incapable of

  discharging gas through her mouth might have to

  compensate in other ways, and for that reason I

  must mark this application: REJECTED.

  Wow. Three whole applications, and not one

  lifelong friend in the bunch. Making new friends is

  hard. How can you tell which ones will always be

  there for you, doing what you tell them, and giving

  you junk?

  I think maybe tomorrow I’m going to have to

  really take a look at what friendship means. Maybe

  if I dig down deep and meditate on it, TV will give

  me the answer.

  67

  68

  Saturday 14

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Okay, brace yourself. TV may not be an

  expert on every thing. This came as quite a

  blow to me, because TV always seems so confident.

  On the subject of friendship, for instance, there are

  a lot of issues.

  1. On television, friends often get mad

  at each other and then are friends again

  within 22 minutes or so. In the real world, it

  generally takes about that long just to figure

  out how you’re going to get even with

  somebody.

  2.

  TV-mad

  isn’t like

  real-world-mad

  .

  On TV, people throw pies at each other when

  they get angry. If Isabella gets mad, she’s not

  going to throw a pie. She’s going to throw the

  baker at you.

  69

  3. On TV, groups of people are friends

  for a reason. Like, there’s a smart one, and

  a pretty one, and a sporty one, and a scary

  one. Are we supposed to be choosing our

  friends based on some reason? I hope not.

  I spent more time picking out my socks this

  morning than I did picking out Isabella.

  Even when the group of friends is made

  up of animal characters, they’re all different.

  It’s like, one is a lion, one is an ostrich, one is a

  zebra, and one is an antelope. In the wild, a group

  like this wouldn’t be thought of as a group of

  friends. This would be thought of as a lion and his

  talking lunch.

  My conclusion is this: TV is a very

  simpleminded device. It specializes largely in cola

  commercials and people throwing balls. Evidently,

  it just can’t explain the truly mystifying things

  in the world, like why Grandpa wears his pants up

  under his armpits, or how friendships work.

  70

  Sunday 15

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  This morning, I called Isabella to come over

  and pretend to do homework, as we often do on

  Sundays, but she wasn’t home. I guess I could have

  called my Automatic Friend Angeline to see if she

  wanted to come over, but I wasn’t feeling THAT

  automatic.

  It worked out okay, anyway. I made today

  an Art Day. I started my final piece for the Art

  Show today, and I think it may turn out to be the

  greatest art that has ever been made

  by a human girl.

  I’m going to use sequins, rhinestones, and

  glitter, which is pretty much the first thing an artist

  needs when they are going to commit art.

  71

  I began my relationship with glitter pretty

  early in life. Although, back then, I was using cereal

  for glitter and slobber for glue. And for paper I used

  my face. And it was accidental. But all of the same

  principles apply.

  (Note to future Jamie: If your baby is all

  sticky and grimy, just roll him in glitter. It will stick

  like glue and your baby will instantl
y be the envy of

  all the other moms with unsparkly children.)

  72

  In second grade, I tried to teach Isabella how

  to do glitter and she couldn’t quite understand the

  concept of wanting to make something prettier.

  I remember she kept asking things like,“Will dis

  make it more explodey?”

  In third grade, she taught me how to buy

  things and make it look like your mean older

  brothers did it. She just kept track of the things

  her brothers asked her mom for. If her mom said

  no, Isabella would order those things online. That

  made it look like her brothers had done it, and it

  would get them grounded for months and months.

  So cute!

  I wish she had come over today.

  73

  Monday 16

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  So in math today, guess who actually

  answered a question correctly. That’s

  right: ISABELLA. Nothing written on her hand, no

  Jamie whispering to her. She Just Answered.

  Now, normally I would assume that it was

  a lucky guess. Or it was a typical ISABELLA-

  ANSWER, like when in social studies they asked

  her how many pharaohs had been mummified in

  ancient Egypt and Isabella answered, “All of ’em.”

  74

  But math doesn’t work well with guesses or

  Isabella-answers. So how did Isabella pull this off?

  It was a real puzzle until I noticed, dangling from

  between the pages of her math book like a guilty

  bookmark, a two-foot-long blond hair.

  It was obvious.

  Angeline and Isabella studied

  together. ON SUNDAY. A day, which I think most

  people would admit, is MY PRIVATE PROPERTY

  for studying on with Isabella. Pretending to study

  on Sunday is a tradition that goes back with

  Isabella and me for AN ENTIRE GENERATION,

  so far.

  I brought it up casually at Isabella’s locker.

  “Nice job on the math today,” I said, laying a

  clever trap for her.

  “Angeline came over to my house yesterday

  and helped me study,” she said, not giving me cause

  to cleverly trap her any further.

  “I called you to come over and study. But

  there was no answer,” I said.

  Isabella said nothing. She blinked a couple

  times, and breathed, but she didn’t apologize —

  and this would have been the perfect time. I know

  that if she fails math she’ll have to take summer

  school, and when she comes over to study at my

  house we never get anything done. Still. If she

  won’t apologize for studying with

  Angeline, maybe

  she should at least apologize for being dumb

  at math.

  I’m just saying that I think somebody owes

  me an apology. Maybe several people do. Maybe the

  Universe does.

  75

  76

  This new scandal makes it clear that I’m

  getting edged out of this three- way friendship

  even faster than I thought. But I can’t go all mental

  about it. It’s not like I

  own

  Isabella.

  Or do I ?

  I do call her MY friend, the same way I call

  them MY socks or MY infection. Nobody would ever

  suggest that the infection belongs to itself.

  So maybe I do kind of own her.

  I just have to speed up the Friend Application

  process, that’s all there is to it. I have to acquire

  that fourth friend to distract

  Angeline so I can have

  my best friend back. I’m not going to let my BFF

  turn into a BFIL. (That’s Best Friend I Lost.) No,

  instead, I’m going to stay up late and make some

  more “JOIN OUR BAND” flyers.

  Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a

  glittery night.

  77

  Tuesday 17

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’

  ABOUT. I put up the new, better, sparklier flyers

  and I got a better quality of applicant today. Sure,

  I was blowing glitter out of my nose all morning, but

  with one notable exception, it was worth it. I think

  I just might be able to pull the right person out of

  this friend herd.

  I know that it’s wrong to exclude boys, but

  Hudson would have auditioned and then we’d have

  the duh- rama of him rediscovering his feelings

  for me, and that would drive another wedge

  between me and Isabella, and I really can’t let that

  happen.

  Let’s review, shall we?

  78

  79

  Applicant’s name: Anika

  First Impression: Anika is good at fashion

  things and prettiness. These qualities could make

  her the perfect toy to distract Angeline with.

  Known Weirdnesses: Anika has no known

  weirdnesses. This concerns me because, as is the

  case with all non-weird people , whatever her

  weirdnesses are, they are SO weird that she must be

  working very hard to keep them hidden.

  “Why do you think you’d be right for

  this position?” Anika’s response: “I’m a good

  singer.”

  Interviewer notes: Even though she didn’t sing

  her response, I’m willing to believe that Anika is a

  good singer, although I suspect that most truly good

  singers sing everything they say. She may not be BFF

  material, but she could be a BFFN (Best Friend For

  Now). I’m going to mark this application: REJECTED.

  80

  Applicant’s name: Fléurrål Mjångîi- Shmørp.

  Or something like that.

  First Impression: Fléurrål is foreign, and

  therefore exotic. She hasn’t been in our country

  long, so she is still interesting.

  Known Weirdnesses: One never really knows,

  when evaluating someone from far away, what

  aspects of their behavior are simply new to you and

  what parts are as crazy as an outhouse rat. Fléurrål,

  for example, always smells like some kind of turnip

  herb soup and wears her hair in braids that look like

  the climbing rope in the gym.

  81

  “Why do you think you’d be right for

  this position?” Fléurrål’s response: “Yes. I can

  write in this position.” And then to prove it, she

  pulled out a notebook and wrote in that position.

  She wrote this: HAV A NICE DAY JØMIÉ.

  Interviewer notes: I can teach her that my

  name is Jamie, not Jømié, so that’s not a huge

  problem. Isabella is naturally suspicious of anybody

  from another country, so Fléurrål would be all

  Angeline’s responsibility. I’m going to mark this

  application: MAYBE.

  82

  Applicant’s name: My Aunt Carol, who

  shouldn’t be auditioning.

  First Impression: Aunt Carol works here at the

  school and only came down to apply because she

  saw the flyers. I’m sure she thought she was being

  cute.

  Known Weirdnesses: Aunt Carol, being my

  aunt and married, is
old — which is one of the

  weirdest things a person can choose to be.

  “Why do you think you’d be right for

  this position?” Aunt Carol’s response: (The

  interviewer must point out that Aunt Carol tried to

  imitate dumb-girl speech and pretended to chew

  gum as she responded, which I think was probably

  meant as an insult to everybody my age.) “Well, I’ve

  known you since you were a baby and I’m super- fun

  and I still like you even though you got me kicked

  out of a movie for the first time in my life and I’ll

  83

  look great dancing up onstage with you guys. Want

  to see?”

  Interviewer notes: At this point, the applicant

  stood up and would have danced in front of

  everybody except for the fact that I stopped

  her and saved myself from extreme embarrassment,

  and saved the world from being sickened by Aunt

  Dancing. This, plus the fact that Aunt Carol can’t

  be in the student Talent Show due to the fact she

  is NOT A STUDENT, requires that I mark her

  application: REJECTED.

  84

  Angeline and Isabella wandered over to the

  auditions at the end of lunch to find out how

  things were going. I told them that we’d had a few

  promising auditions today, and that I thought we’d

  have that fourth band member soon.

  Hudson was circling like a shark, watching us

  talk and transmitting crush vibrations in Isabella’s

  direction. That’s Isabella’s direction, and not

  Angeline’s. I have to keep reminding myself.

  I saw Angeline notice Hudson and I think I

  might have detected something. Was it a tinge of

  disappointment?

  It seems like Angeline’s one ability, which is to

  be unreasonably pretty, is no longer working

  against Hudson. I guess maybe she just doesn’t

  have it anymore.

  85

  Wednesday 18

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  In art today, Miss Anderson wanted to talk

  about all of our portraits from last week —what

 

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