Before I Break

by Alec John Belle

  He hopped out of the car and walked inside, leaving Melissa and I alone in the car. Debating on whether or not to follow his lead, I got out of the car when I knew Angela wouldn’t see us leaving it. Melissa followed suit and we headed inside just in time.

  “Want me to get you something?” Melissa asked. “I’ll get in line.”

  “Just a small coffee coolata and a Boston Crème donut, please,” I said and took my seat at the table behind them. This was not going to be about sipping on some coffee and eating a donut—this was all about eavesdropping.

  “Let’s talk about your book,” Angela said, speaking softly but loud enough for me to hear. I tried to look like I wasn’t listening in and pretended to be preoccupied at staring at Melissa. “After reading the first ten pages, I just knew I had to meet you. You’re a very talented writer for your age.”

  “Thank you,” Avery smiled. “I’m not really that young, though. I’m seventeen.”

  She nodded and said, “I understand that this book is a work of fiction, but you really seem to know what you’re talking about. Has anything like this happened to you before?”

  “Not really,” Avery answered politely. “It was just a story I felt like needed to be told, if that makes any sense. It came to me one night and I just started writing. The whole plot kind of came together in my head in one sitting.” He held out the manila folder he had and said, “Here’s a copy of my manuscript like you requested.”

  “Thank you,” she said but didn’t take the manuscript. “I just want to ask you one thing that I ask everyone that I take on—why should I represent you as an agent?”

  Melissa walked over to the table and handed me my coffee and donut. “What happened so far?”

  “Shhh,” I said. “Listen.”

  Avery looked very much unprepared for this answer—Melissa and I both knew he was—but he composed himself quickly and said, “Because this is not just a onetime thing for me. For me, writing is more than just getting a book published; it’s about the passion for doing it. Whether you choose to represent me or reject me, I will always be a writer and won’t give up hope. One day I am going to see my book on the shelf and show the world that I could do it.” He paused as if trying to find the right words to say. “No matter what happens,” he continued, “I will always write. I’ll write until my head explodes if I have to, but I am not giving up because of a rejection. I’ve gotten hundreds of rejections these last couple of months, and one more certainly won’t kill me.”

  At first my heart stopped in my chest, unsure of what was coming next. Was she really going to reject Avery? My heart almost ached simply at the thought because I really wanted him to be happy and really wanted this to work out, not just for him. I felt like Avery was going to leave a mark on the world someday and that this book was the key to his success, even if I hadn’t read it personally yet.

  Angela nodded, handing him a piece of paper. She smiled and I knew right then what that meant. “That was exactly what I was hoping to hear from you. I think you and I would be a great match.”

  I could almost hear the TV audience clapping in the background, but then realized that was in my head. My heart leapt out of my chest and I really wanted to hug this woman. It was really happening. Avery’s book was really going to get published! My joy for him really couldn’t be contained, and from my glance at Melissa’s face, hers couldn’t either. We high-fived under the table and waited to hear more.

  “Falling Stars is a remarkable idea and I am willing to help you along the way.” She stood up and Avery did, too. I expect great things from you.”

  “Thank you so much!” Avery said happily, shaking her hand. “I really hope you like the book.”

  She handed him a card and said, “Call me by the end of the week and I’ll tell you what the plans for the future are. I will find an editor to work on the right away so we can get along our way. Just know that the editing process takes a long time, usually a couple months.”

  “I understand completely!” Avery exclaimed. “I’ve done my research.”

  “Very informed, I see.” Angela grabbed her things and said, “Remember to call at the end of the week so we can talk. In the meantime, let me handle all the work. Also, send me your manuscript electronically as well.”

  “Will do,” Avery replied. “It was great meeting you.”

  “It was a pleasure meeting you, too, Avery. Enjoy your weekend.”

  As she left Dunkin Donuts, Avery came and sat at our table, his face lit up with excitement. “Oh my God, you guys just heard that, right?”

  “Heard what?” Melissa asked nonchalantly. “I didn’t hear anything.”

  “But, she just accepted me! How did you miss that?”

  “Who did?” I asked, playing along.

  Avery’s look grew stern. “Don’t do that, I know you heard.”

  I laughed, as did Melissa, and she said, “Of course we heard! We’re so happy for you, Avery. At least I am.”

  “Hey, I am, too.” And I really did mean it. I was just as excited as he was and it wasn’t even my own book. “Sounds like the process is really on its way now. I told you that you had nothing to worry about, didn’t I?”

  Avery blushed and said, “Yes, Cyril, you sure did. Thank you so much for being such good friends to me.”

  “No problem,” Melissa offered with a smile. “Now, let’s go celebrate? Anyone wanna head to the bookstore?”

  Christmas seemed to come early that year and on Christmas Eve, we all sat around in the big house and made cookies and watched old Christmas movies, and I felt a little bad about missing it with my parents. But for some reason, no one in my family seemed to be on good terms, so this was the best I could have probably gotten.

  With growing feeling for Avery, Christmas seemed to only make my feelings stronger. Really, I wanted to ignore it, but I wasn’t really sure how. And what was even stranger was that it wasn’t like I wanted to have sex with him—I was sexually attracted to women, but with him it seemed to be different. Whatever I was feeling, I didn’t really understand and wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

  When Christmas morning came, I was surprised to see a present under the tree for me. It was from Avery’s aunts. I looked at them and smiled. “You guys didn’t need to get me anything.”

  Denise nodded. “Yes, we did. Now open it, if you don’t like it, we can always bring it back.”

  I ripped the wrapping paper off of it, and to my surprise again, there was a typewriter. I really liked writing and the fact that they knew that seemed to shock me. I looked at them and said, “Thank you! I love it, but…how did you know I liked writing?”

  Susan laughed. “We didn’t, but we figured it would be good for you. You seem like you need to release emotions sometimes, and we wanted you to be able to do that.”

  To this day, I still have that very same typewriter.

  “Are you sure you need to go back?” Denise asked us that Saturday. “I really don’t want to have to see you all go. It’s been a pleasure having you here.”

  Our flight was going to leave around 4:30 that afternoon and we’d be getting back to South Carolina around 9. Avery’s mom already said that I could stay there for the night if I didn’t feel like driving back to my house whenever we got back, and I took up on that offer. Even though 9 was early, flights are boring and often very tiring. With our bags packed and everything, Denise and Susan brought us to the airport.

  “We do, Aunt Denise,” Avery said sternly. “I enjoyed the visit but we have school on Monday that we need to attend, unfortunately.”

  “We’ll miss you, though,” I told them both. “And as long as Avery and I are friends, you’ll be seeing a lot of me around.” I hoped.

  “Good thing, because I really like you,” Susan said, holding Denise’s arm as they watched the plane begin to board. “You three be good when you get back.”

  As we boarded the place, my phone buzzed from my pocket and I ha
d to put my bags on before I could check it. Once I took my seat, I saw that it was from Jake.

  Jake had been texting me all of Winter Break, but I hadn’t really said much. After he realized that I was gone, he went on to say that he wished I had stayed so we could have hung out. Honestly, I think Jake felt a little betrayed, but I knew I needed to make time for him once we got back.

  According to his text, the whole school now suspected that Avery and I had a thing, but I really doubted this information. There was nothing going on besides our friendship that could possibly make other people know about me questioning my sexuality—and I wanted it to stay that way. If anyone found out, my life would be ruined for good. But why would Jake tell me this if it wasn’t true?

  This time I was seated in the middle and Avery sat by the window. I watched as he stared outside when we took off and were high above the ground. Wondering what he was thinking about, I said, “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

  He nodded without looking at me. “Yes. Like a lot of other things lately.”

  His words spoke of something else, something I couldn’t quite interpret. Reaching my hand out, I patted him on the back and said, “It’s okay, Avery. Whatever is bothering you, I’m here for you if you need me.”

  This time he met my eyes and asked, “What makes you think something is bothering me?”

  I shrugged, because honestly it was just a feeling—a vibe of sorts—that he was sending off right now. “No reason. I just wanted you to know that.”

  Placing headphones on to drown out the sound of my ears popping, I laid back and fell asleep within twenty minutes of takeoff.

  When I woke up, Avery was leaning on me.

  As we exited the plane, Tina met us right at pick-up and hugged all of us, as usual, but this time I really wasn’t feeling it. For some reason after my little nap on the place, I felt like crawling in a whole and dying.

  I texted my mother and Jake to tell them we were home and that I was staying at Avery’s house—and both of them gave me completely different responses.

  Yeah, that went well.

  When we got to Avery’s house, Tina said I could sleep in the guest room for the night, and so as I went to put my things in there Melissa said, “I’m going to go home now, you guys. I’ll see you at school Monday, alright?”

  I nodded and walked up the stairs to the room, Avery leading the way and not saying a word. I couldn’t get the things that Jake said out of my mind and it hurt me to feel like everyone at school thought that I was gay now. Why couldn’t people just mind their own business?

  The guest room was nice, with a queen sized bed and lots of pillows and sheets. I sat down on the bed to take off my shoes, and felt great relief when I did. Avery sat next to me, and as soon as he did, I knew he had something to say.

  He wanted to talk about something. Just like Melissa did.

  “Hey,” he said softly.

  “Hi,” I said back, not really sure what was going on. “I guess, I should get ready to get some sleep, it’s been a long night—”

  “I’m in love with you, Cyril.”

  Right then my heart stopped. I wasn’t sure if I heard him right—I couldn’t have—and I stared at him with my jaw dropped to the floor, practically hitting the roof of hell. “You…what?”

  He stood up and from the tears in his eyes, I knew it was true. Avery was in love with me, and damn it if I didn’t want to be happy about that. But I didn’t love Avery, I couldn’t. I wasn’t gay.

  “I have liked you since the day we met,” Avery said, pacing the room anxiously. “That’s why I was so distant at first because I knew, I just knew, from past experiences that it wouldn’t work out. I know you’ll never love me, because I see the way you look at girls.”

  I sat, waiting for him to explain more.

  “But we can end this confusion for both of us tonight,” Avery went on. “I think what you have been feeling is a mix of my feelings and yours. Subconsciously you’ve known this whole time, and you’ve been trying to convince yourself that we can be together.” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “Cyril, we are friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. I know that and you know that. We’ve both been confused and I don’t want us to be anymore.”

  Lost in a whirlwind of emotions, I said, “Avery, I really care about you. You know I do, and I can’t deny having some feelings, but…I don’t know what kind they are.” That was the honest to God truth and I felt the desire to do something unthinkable. I stood up, walking over to him and pulling him close. Avery, like I suspected, didn’t pull away. “I need to know.”

  “I know,” he responded softly. “As do I.”

  And so I kissed him.

  Right then, I expected the sparks. I expected the love that led to passionate making out, and then expected us to jump in the bed and have sex right then, but we didn’t. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer, expecting something to happen, but nothing did. There was no spark. There was no lust. There was no love here in this room, other than what he felt for me. I don’t know how long we held this kiss, but he was the first to pull away.

  “You didn’t feel anything,” Avery said.

  I shook my head, feeling despair and some sort of relief come over me. “I didn’t.”

  The truth was, I knew right then that this whole time—the mixed feelings I had, the thoughts of possibly liking Avery—it wasn’t real. There are many people who go through phases, and lots who don’t come out of it, but I can certainly say right then that I knew I was straight. I was not sexually attracted to Avery, and while the kiss may have been nice, it wasn’t special. Not like it was when I kissed girls. Not like it was when I held girls, pulling them closer to me, and doing other things. Avery was just a friend and the love I felt was a brotherly love. He was the best friend I ever had, even better than Jake.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, unable to find the right words to say. “But…at least we know now, right? It’s okay to feel this way.”

  He walked over to the bed and sat down, putting his face in his hands and said, “You know, when we kissed just now…I didn’t really feel anything either.” He looked up at me and met my eyes. “I felt the love for you, but there is no connection between us. These feelings I have, it’s all been for nothing.”

  “No, they haven’t,” I told him honestly, sitting beside him. I should have felt awkward having kissing him, but in truth, I didn’t. Friends experimented, and I believed that that was okay. That was what we’d done and now we both know for sure. “Trust me, Avery; you’re like a brother to me. I love you like that, but nothing more. Sometimes that’s even better. No matter how much we fight, we’ll always come around. You know why?”

  He shook his head.

  “Because we both care about each other too much. I just wasn’t sure how much I cared until now, and now that I know, we can start over now. Okay?”

  He leaned into me and laid his head on my shoulder, and of course, I didn’t mind. He was my friend and he really needed me right now. “Cyril,” he whispered.

  “Yes?”

  “You’re the reason I’m still alive right now.”

  “Why?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

  He sat up and said, “I just mean that I love our friendship. I had no friends until I met you, and despite being on my meds, that didn’t necessarily make me feel completely better—they’re not supposed to. I still felt lonely, although I didn’t really feel like I needed anyone. And then I met you, and I realized that I do need someone. I need a best friend.”

  “Me,” I said, already knowing the answer.

  He nodded and smiled slightly. “You.”

  We sat there for a couple more minutes before he decided that it was time for him to sleep. When he said goodnight and left me alone, I was actually glad that the kiss happened. It helped me realize what I really wanted and my confusion could finally be over. But tomorrow, things were only just getti
ng started.

  Love is a gift that is given by God

  And sent through the angels that live up above.

  The power of love is more than we think

  And can give enough energy to feed all the weak.

  Give a little here and give a little there

  I’m sure we could save the world from all the trouble it bears.

  The love I have for this one special guy

  Is none like the others, as this one doesn’t lie.

  He’s special, he’s sweet, and is greater than life,

  And has helped lead me through all the terrible times.

  My God, he is perfect, but I know it won’t be

  Because some things we’re just never meant to see.

  Before it’s my time, I’m glad to have loved,

  And maybe one day I’ll find someone else.

  But Cyril, my love, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had

  And you’re there even when I’m feeling pretty bad.

  If there’s one thing I have to say to you,

  It’s that I love you and really want to thank you.

  You’ve given me friendship, you’ve given me light

  And I’m glad that we got to meet in this life.

  Cyril, my love, promise me this

  That even through hell we’ll be friends like this.

  The second I walked through the door of my house that Sunday morning, I knew that something was wrong. It wasn’t just that my mother wasn’t awake, even though it was 10 o’clock, or that my father was sitting at the kitchen table, but it was in the air. Something was definitely wrong here and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it.

  It’s kind of like that feeling that some people have before they’re about to die. There’s that strong intuition that makes them think that something really bad is about to happen to them, and then BAM, they’re dead. I think subconsciously we all know what to expect from life. I think God has given us all a gift of intuition that we all just don’t know how to use yet, but right now, mine was kicking in strong.