Before I Break

by Alec John Belle

  My father stared at me as I entered the kitchen and said, “Where have you been?”

  His words were harsh, blaming almost, and I said, “I’ve been at Avery’s. Didn’t mom tell you?”

  He glared at me angrily, his eyes looking red. “Mom has not been speaking to me. You don’t know what’s been going on, do you?”

  “How should I? I’ve been in Boston for two weeks.”

  Right then, my mother came walking down the stairs. Unlike how she usually looked, her hair was disheveled and makeup was smeared, looking as if she hadn’t taken it off in weeks—and who knows, maybe she hadn’t. When she saw me talking to my father, said lit up with frustration. “Avery, we need to talk to you about something.”

  “Okay?” I said and sat down at the table. “What is it?”

  My mother sat down, too, as far from my father as she could get. “Listen, for the last few months, things have been rough between your father and I. We’ve grown different opinions on…certain matters. Your father and I took a little break while you were gone but came to a decision last night when you came back.”

  “We’re getting a divorce,” my father added, sounding calm and collected.

  Something I totally wasn’t right now.

  “You’re what?” I asked in confusion. “You have to be kidding me!” But from the looks on their faces, I knew they weren’t. “But you guys have been together forever! That-that’s not possible!”

  “People grow,” my mother went on to explain. “People change, and your father and I have. He does and says and believes certain things that I don’t agree with.”

  “Same here,” my dad said, “And that’s why we need this, and we need you to understand.”

  So many questions were running through my mind—Was this because of me? Why was this happening? Was it all my fault?—but I could only think of one question to say out loud. “Who will I be living with?”

  My placed her hand on mine and said, “That’s why we want to talk about this. We want you to decide what you think is best for you.”

  “Me?” I asked, and was honestly quite shocked. My emotions were all over the place right now and they wanted me to choose between them? “Why?”

  “Because we want you to choose how to live your life,” my father said, sliding his chair closer to me. “I think you’ve been making some bad decisions these last couple of months as to who you’re hanging out with, and you can move with me. You can change schools and have a fresh start, make new friends, and forget about all this…gay stuff.”

  “Or,” my mother chimed in before I could blow my top, “You can stay here with me and finish out school here. You can keep your friends, including Avery”—that got a glare from my father—“and we can keep things just the way they’ve been your whole life.”

  As much as I loved my dad, there really was no competition here, nor did I really want there to be in the first place. That’s what I wanted to tell them but I knew it would be pointless. They had made their decision without me, and while it did disappoint me, I couldn’t argue over it. They seemed to have a good reason and I didn’t really want to listen to them argue every day over stupid things.

  “It’s my fault,” I found myself saying. “Isn’t it?”

  “What? No,” my mom replied kindly, “That’s not true. Your dad and I just have differing opinions on things. It may be opinions that stem from your friends, but not because of you. Some people just aren’t good at handling the belief’s of others’ when they differ from theirs.”

  And even after she explained that, I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault. But right now was not the time for me to sit here and pout over this when they were both expecting an answer from me. The problem was, I knew what really tore my family apart, and I was angry. I was angry at everything right now, so I knew exactly what I wanted.

  “I want to live with dad.”

  I thought the divorce was going to be the last of it. I was being irrational when I told my father that I wanted to move in with him, and sure enough, we made plans to move out by the end of the week, which meant that by the end of the week I needed to end my friendship with Avery.

  That was the one thing I didn’t think about when I made my decision. (Okay, maybe I did think about it and was just made that this all surrounding me being friends with him.) Now that my decision was made, I needed to end it, and I really didn’t want to.

  Monday morning, I was walking to my AP Biology class when I was stopped by Jake. It was the first time I’d seen him in a while and my heart was aching. I was not only leaving Avery, but leaving behind Jake and Melissa and everything I knew.

  Why did I have to choose my father? What was I thinking?

  I was looking for someone to blame and I mentally placed the blame on Avery during that conversation. I wanted to end being friends with Avery so I could stay close to my father, but in reality, was it worth it? But I made up my mind and needed to stick by it.

  “Hey,” Jake said, catching up with me. “How you doing?”

  “Great,” I said. “Just wonderful, how about you?”

  “We need to talk.” Jake grabbed my arm and pulled me aside, asking, “What has been going on with you? Ever since you became friends with that gay kid you’ve been different and you’ve been avoiding me.”

  If he really wanted to talk about this, now was not the time. “Go away, Jake. I’m not listening to this anymore. We aren’t friends, okay? I’m leaving East Hill and moving in with my dad.” Glaring at him, I continued. “You know, all you needed to do was accept the kid for who he was. Why couldn’t you do that?”

  Jake was angry, that much I could see. He pushed me up against the wall behind us and said, “Fine. Be like that. But I’m done, too. Have a good life, faggot.”

  That was my breaking point. Right then, everything that I felt, all the anger, all the frustration, all the hatred for people exploded inside of me. I took off my bookbag and threw it across the hallway, storming off down the hall, not looking back to give Jake the pleasure of seeing me like this. Faggot. That word rang inside my head as I stomped down the hall, heading straight for Avery’s locker.

  I was ending this.

  As I hoped, Avery was at his locker, putting books away and when he saw me, he smiled. “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Shut the fuck up,” I said angrily. “We’re done.”

  “Whoa, calm yourself. What happened?” he asked.

  The more appropriate question would be what didn’t happen? Everything was happening, and everything I had was gone. My friend, my girlfriend, my parents. And it all had to do with me being friends with this guy, this…

  “You’re a faggot,” I said, pushing him up against the locker. The look in his eyes, the sadness, was not getting me to calm down. “No one will ever know what happened between us, understand? We’re not friends. I’m not your fucking bro, or your bra, or anything. We. Are. Done.”

  He met my eyes, and without a word, he grabbed his things, running off down the hall. I knew right then that my life was done for, and I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him again, not then. I only wish I could have known what was coming.

  If I did, I probably could have stopped it.

  The night started like any other night. Well, besides not having my girlfriend, best friend, and my parents were splitting up. All throughout the day I thought about the thing I had said to Avery and the guilt was starting to catch up to me. So after dinner, I text Avery as soon as possible.

  I amended,

  The truth was, I had no idea how to make it right. In order to do that, I’d have to tell my dad that I didn’t want to move in with him now, which was going to be harder than if I had just said no in the first place. Not only that, but mom was offended that I didn’t want to stay with her and was completely surprised. But how could she not be? I was surprised at myself, as well.

  Looking back on everything that had happened in Boston, I wonder
ed how I could have ever said those things to Avery. He had so much going for him and, as a terrible friend, I made him believe he was worth nothing.

  I was lying on my bed and still hadn’t gotten a text back from Avery. A part of me was beginning to worry that something may have happened to him, but then I realized if something had, I would have heard about it by now.

  And that was when the idea struck.

  I remembered Saturday night when we got back to Boston and the conversation we had after I’d kissed him.

  “Cyril,” he whispered.

  “Yes?”

  “You’re the reason I’m still alive right now.”

  “Why?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

  He sat up and said, “I just mean that I love our friendship. I had no friends until I met you, and despite being on my meds, that didn’t necessarily make me feel completely better—they’re not supposed to. I still felt lonely, although I didn’t really feel like I needed anyone. And then I met you, and I realized that I do need someone. I need a best friend.”

  “Me,” I said, already knowing the answer.

  He nodded and smiled slightly. “You.”

  Jumping right off my bed, I grabbed my shoes and jacket and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I couldn’t believe it. Why didn’t I realize it sooner?

  I checked my phone to double check, and like before, there was still no text.

  “Mom!” I shouted from the kitchen as I put on my shoes quickly. My heart was pounding in my chest, my head spinning, and I didn’t know what to do.

  “What’s wrong?” my mom asked, from the top of the stairs.

  “Call 9-1-1,” I told her. “Avery’s in trouble.” I didn’t know this for a fact, but my gut told me something was wrong, and that was the only thing I could think of. As I said earlier, intuition is a very powerful thing, and I was learning not to doubt it.

  “Honey, what’s going on?” she asked. She appeared by my side now but I was already running toward the door. She caught up to me, grabbed my arm and pulled me back. “What is going on?”

  “Avery’s going to kill himself,” I told my mom. “He said something to me the other night that gives me every reason to believe so, just trust me. He’s not returning my texts or anything.”

  “Have you called his mom?” my mom asked, suddenly looking pale.

  “I’ll call her on the way.” I pulled out of my mom’s grab, grabbed the car keys off the table by the door and ran out to the car, hoping I could save my friend before it was too late.

  I pulled into Avery’s house and ran straight up to the door. After Tina didn’t answer the phone when I called, I figured something must be terribly wrong, so I pounded on the door as loudly as possible, shouting, “Tina!” and hoped she could hear me.

  How could I have let this happen? That was all I could think as I stood waiting on the porch for someone to come out.

  The click of the door announced someone was there, and when it opened, there was Tina in a bath towel. She looked extremely confused and said, “Cyril? What’s going on?”

  “Where’s Avery?” I asked.

  “He left a little while ago,” she said, confusion still clear across her face. “Why, is there something going on? I thought you two…”

  “We did,” I answered. “Well, I did, and I said some mean and terrible things that I shouldn’t have. I think you’re son is a danger to himself right now.”

  “What—?”

  “If the police come, have them stay, I’ll go look for him,” I said quickly. I ran down the porch steps, hoping I could get to him before he did something terrible. If he was going to kill himself, though, why did he leave his house? Maybe he didn’t want to be caught? All I knew was that I needed to get to him before it was too late.

  And what I would find changed everything.

  While sometimes life may not seem worth living,

  I’ve learned that my purpose is to keep on giving.

  I write to make smiles and dream to make reality,

  And while I may have before, I would never end everything.

  He broke my heart, but that’s okay,

  Because tomorrow will be a brand new day.

  And on that day I’ll be a star

  Where he’ll see all I’ve done and wish he was there.

  Goodbye, my old friend, our journey is done.

  But mine is just beginning, see you, loved one.

  I drove around town and couldn’t find Avery if my life depended on it—or his, for that matter. I was beginning to wish I had that psychic magnetism Odd did in that series where he saw dead people, because then I’d be able to find him. Now here I was, sitting in a random parking lot, completely unsure of what to do.

  All of my life, I wanted to make wrongs right, and while many times I’d failed, this time I couldn’t. If my friend was going to kill himself and I couldn’t stop it, I would feel completely terrible.

  My first thought was that he was out walking around trying to find a way to kill himself. I checked the bridges, highway, everywhere, and found him nowhere. I called him and got no answer again, and it made me worried that it might have been too late. There was nothing worse than the fear of your friend being dead. Well, besides it being your kid or something.

  Avery’s life flashed before my eyes. I remembered the first day that I met him, when I took him to the bookstore, and the light bulb finally went off in my head. I texted Melissa quickly, telling her to meet me at the bookstore in ten minutes, because I had a feeling that was where he was going to be in a state of depression.

  I drove down the highway back to Town Centre and when I arrived, I parked the car right outside the bookstore and ran inside. Just then, I found Melissa getting out of her car and heading my way.

  “Hey!” she shouted. She ran up to me and hugged me tightly. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s Avery,” I said in a panic. “We have to find him—”

  Before I had the chance to finish my thought, Avery walked out of the bookstore, holding a bag of books, and when he saw us, he started walking away. I ran to catch up to him and said, “Avery, wait.”

  “What?” he demanded. Town Centre was just about to be closed for the night, as it was almost 11, and Avery looked exhausted. The street lights were going to go out in a couple minutes and I needed to get him home.

  “I thought you were going to hurt yourself,” I said, trying to make sense of this. He looked fine for the most part. Actually, he didn’t even look upset.

  “Hurt myself?” Avery asked. “Or kill myself?” He shook his head in disgust and said, “Leave me alone. I need to get home.”

  “Let us drive you,” Melissa said, seeming to realize to direness of the situation. “It’s too late to walk right now.”

  “No,” he said, “Just leave me alone.”

  Avery ran off and turned right down an alley and Melissa and I followed, hoping to catch him before he did something stupid. The lights were all going off because stores were closing, and a dark feeling in the pit of my stomach made me question being out this late.

  We turned again and were now behind the bookstore, in a dark and empty alley, and Avery was on the ground crying. The site disturbed me because I knew this was my fault. I ran up to him and bent down beside him, saying, “I’m so sorry, Avery.” Tears formed my eyes, too, and the emotional state of the situation was finally starting to get to me. “I’m so sorry for everything I said and did.”

  Then, out of nowhere, a voice said, “You’re going to be.”

  I froze. Glancing up, I saw a guy with a hood over his head, watching us. At first I first I didn’t understand, but then my eyes met the gun in his hand and my heart stopped. Avery’s eyes found the guy too and he jumped up, looking as terrified as I was beginning to feel.

  “Uh…guys,” Melissa said. “We should get going.”

  “You’re not going anywhere,” the voice said, raising the gun and p
ointing it at us. There was no way to run now, not with a guy pointing a gun at us. My blood went cold and I met my friends’ eyes, and both of them looked as scared as I was right now.

  This was like something in a movie. This couldn’t be real. But I knew all too well that it was true, that this guy really was pointing a gun at us and probably would shoot.

  “What do you want with us? Money?” I asked, suddenly finding my voice.

  The guy laughed and even through all the black, I knew how familiar that laugh was. “I don’t want your damn money. I want you faggots gone.”

  Pulling back his hood, Melissa and Avery gasped and my breath caught in my throat.

  “No…” I said, hoping to God it wasn’t true.

  It couldn’t be…but the voice. The gay slur. And now seeing his face.

  It was Jake.

  “Jake, listen to me,” I said calmly, “You don’t have to do this.”

  My whole body was shaking and my heart was ready to explode out of my chest. The gun was aimed directly at me and I was praying silently that he didn’t shoot. The smile on his face told me that he was planning on it.

  He stood right where he was, not giving any of us a chance to move. He smirked and said, “I’m pretty sure I do, pretty boy. Don’t you think?” He held the gun tighter, and went on. “You left me for this fag.”

  Avery held onto Melissa’s arms and she held onto mine now. The tension here was high, as were the risks, and I needed to try to get us out of it. This was what my intuition was warning me of. What would have happened if we weren’t here?

  “I didn’t,” I said, “I left you as a friend because you were being an asshole. There’s a huge difference, Jake.”

  “Shut up!” he screamed and a shot rang out of the gun. It shot a nearby garbage can and not us, thankfully, but then he aimed it right back at us. “Don’t even think about moving, you little shits!”