Enough

by Pacheco, Briana

  I walked over to her and held her wrist gently. “I did that?” I asked.

  “Yeah. One minute you were lying down singing and the next you were mumbling and latching onto my wrist.” She moved over for me to sit down but I walked over to the empty seat across from them. I don’t want to be near someone. I just want to be alone. It’s better if I’m alone.

  “I’m sorry.” I said.

  If they were down here then they heard me talking to Mark. Shit!

  “Giovanni?” Tiffany asked. I glanced at her and nodded.

  “It felt so real.” I said. I swung my legs over the armrest and rested my head on the other side. “What did I say?”

  “You just said his name.” Zach said.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Sophie asked.

  “No.” I whispered. They were silent for a few minutes until music started playing. Bed by J. Holiday. They know how to calm me down. Just throw Alex at me or turn on the music and I’ll be fine.

  Liam held out my phone. “Tootsie Roll?” He asked.

  My eyes widened. No one played music, it was my ringtone.

  I grabbed it and hit ignore. Fuck!

  “Yeah…sorry. I usually keep my phone on vibrate…” I said. I never bring people to my house because I love to have my phone on the highest volume possible so when people call, I can sing along for a bit. And the songs mean something, either to that person or to me. Or both. It’s a very private thing I do. It’s something no one knows about me.

  “Tootsie Roll? Do all your contacts have nicknames?” Sophie asked. I nodded slowly. Then she smiled. “What’s mine?”

  They’re personal but what the hell, they might change soon anyways. “Apple Bottoms…and you do have a song. Trust me, getting the personalized ringtone is huge.” I said.

  “Okay, what’s mine?” She asked perking up.

  “Don’t read into it…it just calls my name and I pick it.” I said. London Bridge, Fergie.” She nodded.

  “What about me?” Tiffany asked. I rolled my eyes. “C’mon. You put it out there. Now you have to tell us.”

  “Nickname’s Candyland. Boots & Boys, Kesha.” I said.

  She started laughing. That song was made for her.

  “I like.” She said winking at me.

  Bryan rested his elbows on his knees. “What about me?” He asked.

  I stared at him for a few seconds. Damn. I didn’t change it yet…

  “I haven’t changed it yet…” I said.

  “Okay…” He said. I’m going to embarrass myself now.

  “It’s weird…” I said. Bryan raised an eyebrow and I sighed. “Sexy…” I said staring at the coffee table. “And I recorded my own version of Teardrops on My Guitar by Taylor Swift. It’s Teardrops on My iPod.” Everyone was silent. “I’m going to change it…I just need time.” I said.

  Bryan nodded and sat back in his spot. Yeah, I don’t think he expected that. I looked over at Liam. “I still haven’t found a nickname for you but Blow by Kesha is your ringtone.” I said.

  “A lot of Kesha going around.” Liam said.

  “She’s talented.” I said taking out my phone. “What do you like? That’s usually how I pick a name.” I said.

  “Blondes.” Zach said. Liam blushed and I saw Tiffany light up. That was cute. Just to play with her, I looked over at Liam.

  “Why…because they’re dumb?” I asked. Tiffany threw a couch pillow at me. “I’m joking.” I said laughing.

  I typed in Blondie as his new nickname. For now, that works. Last is Zach. “Your nickname’s Quarters and Best Friend’s Brother by Victoria Justice is the ringtone. It was picked out a while back…” I said. The song was picked when we broke up. I thought about his brother Justin…he had a crush on me and he wasn’t that bad.

  “Quarters?” Zack asked.

  “You’re a quarterback.” I said simply.

  “L. O. L!” Tiffany said. “Quarters.”

  Everyone let out a little laugh then it went silent. I know what’s coming. Play time is over.

  “Em…we were talking and we think it would be a good idea if you did the Victoria’s Secret thing.” Tiffany and Sophie said. It’s weird how they said the same things at the same time. I glanced at them. “It would keep you busy.”

  “I don’t know–”

  “The Em I know would have taken that offer the moment it was said.’ Tiffany said cutting me off. “Forget about all the bad shit that happened and have fun like you use to.” Tiffany said. “Just be you again.” I’m trying.

  “It’s hard to be me again when I don’t even know who she was.” I said. Tiffany held my eyes for the longest time. It’s like she wants to say something but she didn’t. “I’m a mess, Tiff. I don’t think I can ever be me again.”

  “Then be a new Emily.” Sophie said softly. “Be whatever you want.”

  I glanced back and forth between Tiffany and Sophie. “Fine, but you guys have to do it with me.” I said. They nodded.

  “Text Taylor.” Sophie said

  Me: We’ll do it. Just let me know when and where.

  Taylor: Knew you’d do it. Friday at 3:00. I’ll bring a car to pick you guys up at school.

  “Happy? Friday at 3:00 she’s bringing a car to school to bring us there.” I said.

  “This is going to be so fun.” Sophie said with an excited smile. Then her brows furrowed. “Hey…why would Zach’s ringtone be Best Friend’s Brother…wouldn’t that make more sense with me and Joey?” She really had to bring Joey into this?

  “Justin.” I said. “That was the first girl song I made him listen to after all the Eminem. I don’t have his number so I put it under you.” I said to Zach. “How is he anyways? I haven’t seen him in…a long time.” Seriously. Damn, it’s been really long. While me and Zach were dating, I didn’t see him either. What the hell? That’s weird now that I think about it.

  Sophie and Zach shared a look and I sat up straighter.

  “What?” I asked.

  “He’s not doing okay.” Zach said. What?

  “Why? What’s wrong?” I asked. No one said anything. “What happened?” What could possibly have happened?

  “Cancer.” Zach said. I’m sorry, what? “It got worse.” What?! “He’s just giving up.”

  I can’t believe what he’s saying. This isn’t true. It can’t be. Justin doesn’t have cancer! I was silent for a while letting it in.

  “When did this happen?” I asked as my eyes watered. Justin…with cancer…how can this happen? I wiped away the tears and stared at Zach for an answer. He can’t have cancer!!

  “Last year. He didn’t want anyone to know.” Zach said.

  Last year, that was when Zach stared getting aggressive. Was that what made him snap? Oh, god. He never told me!

  “Not even me?” I asked. “I thought he liked me.”

  “That’s why he didn’t want you to know.” Sophie said.

  “You knew?” I asked her. She nodded. “Ohmygod…is that why you guys don’t talk about him around me?” I asked. “Why you don’t want to be home?”

  “He doesn’t want you to know, Emily.” Zach said.

  “You guys must think I’m a bitch.” I said pulling my hair. Fuck, this sucks. He had cancer all this time and I never knew. I was busy getting high and doing whatever the fuck I wanted that I never gave him a second thought. I feel like the worst person in the world!

  “I haven’t brought him up because I didn’t want you guys to feel like I’m prying back into your lives. I know you probably want me at a distance but…” I shook my head. Justin. I can’t stop thinking about him now. “Can I see him tomorrow?” I asked with a shaky voice. “Please.”

  “You can try. He doesn’t talk to anyone. He doesn’t do anything anymore.” Zach said looking down. Justin’s five months younger than me. His parents had him right after they had Zach so they could grow up together. How can this be happening? He was always strong but he had this soft side when I was around. He’s too youn
g to have cancer.

  Then the clock struck twelve.

  Today’s officially New Years Eve. That only means one thing.

  “Everyone is going back home today. I want you to spend time with your families on New Years. We can see each other at school on Thursday or something. All right?” I said.

  I thought of Justin. I didn’t think it was right for me to visit Justin when Zach and I broke up. I didn’t have his number. He never came by my house. What the hell is wrong with me? I should have done something. I should have visited him.

  I got off the couch and walked into the kitchen. I filled up a glass with cold water and sat on a stool. He’s a tough guy, why would he give up? Why doesn’t he want to get better? Tears slid down my cheeks and I cried.

  Someone sat on the stool next to me and touched my arm

  “Emily, you don’t have to cry about Justin. This is what he wants.” Zach said. What he wants?! He wants to die?!

  “Why is he giving up? It doesn’t sound like him.” I said.

  Zach stared at the counter top. “Money.” He whispered.

  That was all he said. And it hurt. “Is the treatment too much money? Zach I can take care of that. I can help.” I said wiping my eyes.

  “No, this is why I didn’t tell you about him. I don’t want you feeling sorry for my family and start paying for his treatment.” He said.

  “I’m not feeling sorry for anyone. I want to help him, Zach. I can’t let him give up. I thought he was okay…that’s why I never went to see him.” I wiped my eyes. “I am going to help him anyway I can and I’m not taking no for an answer. That includes you.”

  “It all depends on if he wants to start it again.” Zach said. I pulled him into a hug when his eyes watered. “He might disappoint you. It runs in the family.”

  I shook my head. “I can be a bit persuasive. Let me just talk to him tomorrow and I’ll see what I can do.” I said. He nodded.

  When I pulled away from him, he had tears rolling down his cheeks. “Yes, these are man tears.” Zach said. We laughed and he wiped them away. “He’s my only brother and I don’t know what to do if I lose him.”

  I know exactly what he means.

  “He’s seventeen. He doesn’t get a choice on what he wants. Zach, he’s going to listen to me and he’s going to be okay.” I said.

  “I think he’ll do anything you want him to do.” Zach said standing up. I furrowed my brow. “He’s still got it bad for you.”

  “I can use that to my advantage then.” I said and Zach smiled.

  “Thank you…for what you want to do. But Em, I just don’t want to give you false hope.” He said. I won’t let him give up. I want him to fight.

  I put the glass in the sink and we headed back into the living room. I took my seat back on the single chair and studied everyone there.

  “So what did you guys do when I was sleeping?” I asked.

  “Everything.” Bryan said shrugging.

  “You guys aren’t tired?” I asked. My phone chimed. I felt my smile spread from ear to ear when I saw it was from Alex.

  Alex: Are you up?

  Me: Yeah

  Alex: On the plane, should be back in an hour. Did you sleep okay?

  Me: Yeah why wouldn’t I?

  Alex: Because I wasn’t with you. :(

  Me: I’m still tired. ;)

  Alex: Is everyone still up?

  Me: Yeah. I have to tell you something.

  Alex: Good or bad??

  Me: Good

  Alex: Tell me when I’m home.

  Alex: Have to turn off phone now. I’ll see you at home.

  Me: I’ll be waiting :)

  I put my phone down and stretched on the couch. “Alex will be home in an hour so if you want to go to sleep you can.” I said.

  “What’s Alex’s nickname?” Tiffany asked out of nowhere.

  I smiled. “Cocky.”

  “No details please.” Sophie said.

  “No…it’s not like that. Jeez. He’s got a cocky side to him that I like. I’ll change it soon.” I said.

  Sophie smiled at me. “Mhm. And I bet you’ve already seen that side of him.” She said with a wink. I laughed.

  “I don’t know if you’re trying to say something.” I lied.

  “You know exactly what I mean.” She said.

  “You should change it to ‘Sexy.’” Bryan teased.

  I looked over at him. “I can change yours to b.fam.” I said.

  “What the fuck if b.fam?” He asked.

  “Brother from another mother.” Tiffany said. She gets me.

  “That works.” Bryan said. “And if you’re wondering Ella and my mom knew about you. I was the only outcast.” Same here.

  “Is that why Ella hates me?” I asked. Bryan nodded slowly.

  “She knew and never said anything.” He said.

  I can’t believe it either. Ella could have said something. Maybe I should have kissed Bryan in front of her. That would have worked, right?

  “Do you want to be alone?” Liam asked me.

  I thought about the nightmare I had. Being alone is the way I usually steer toward but right now, I don’t want to be. I shook my head.

  They started watching re-runs of something on MTV and I couldn’t keep my eyelids open so I drifted off again and this time had no nightmares.

  ***

  I heard voices around me then I felt an arm slide behind my back and under my thighs. I was lifted in the air and cradled by someone warm. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my head against his chest.

  Alex.

  “You’re home.” I whispered.

  I felt him walk up the stairs then I was in bed. The bed dipped on the other side of me and I turned to him. It’s like we’re magnets. We can’t stay apart even if we try.

  He wrapped me in his arms and we fell asleep.

  22. For You

  “Emily?” I opened my eyes slowly because I didn’t really want to wake up but I do want to see the man lying beside me. I want to make sure he’s real. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t seem to understand why he’s with me. I’m used, broken and yesterday’s news. Why would a man like Alex be with a girl like me? Why would anyone?

  Alex is lying in bed staring into my eyes like he’s trying to see me.

  “I heard you slept all day.” He said caressing my cheek. Maybe he knows I’m having these thoughts. Maybe he knows I’m asking myself how the fuck this is real because he leaned forward and whispered, “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” I was frozen as he pressed his lips into mine. “I love you.”

  Just like that, the thoughts went away. I pressed myself into him and kissed him back. This time, showing him just how much I want to be here and nowhere else.

  “What’s the good news you wanted to tell me?” He murmured against my lips. I nibbled his bottom lip as I pulled back. I can only imagine what he’ll say about the Victoria’s Secret thing. He’ll say what every guy says, ‘you’re fucking hot.’ But those models are way too skinny. They need to eat. Yeah, they’re sexy but c’mon on. Women are sexier with meat on their bones.

  “We’re going to do the Victoria’s Secret thing.” I said and he smiled. “I don’t think they’ll want me because of the scars but it doesn’t hurt to have a little fun, right?” And because I’m being forced into it.

  “Right.” He pulled me in for another kiss. “Who knew I had an Angel right here with me.” He said.

  “Yeah, right. Me…an Angel.” I rolled my eyes.

  I heard footsteps walking down the hall so I pulled away from Alex. Don’t ask me how I managed to that so easily.

  It’s only noon and I have something to do so I don’t want to keep Justin waiting any longer. Well it’s not like he’s waiting for me. He doesn’t even want me to know he’s sick. But I can’t wait any longer.

  I got out of bed and grabbed any clothes I had left.

  “Where you going?” Alex asked reaching for my ha
nd to drag me back into bed. I want to be in his arms but I can’t. Not now.

  “I have to see Zach’s brother.” I said walking toward the door. I changed into my clothes and headed out into the hallway.

  “She’s finally awake.” Bryan said as he walked by.

  “Are you guys leaving? I’m driving you home.” I said.

  “They’re just getting ready.” Liam said.

  “What about you?” I asked Liam. He does live next door.

  “Kaylie needs me.” He said.

  “Brother duties.” I said. He nodded. “You’re leaving now?”

  “Yeah.” He said as Alex walked out of the room. “You made it clear we have to spend New Years with our families.”

  “True.” I said. But now? He can’t stay a bit longer.

  “At least stay and eat with us.” Alex said.

  “Fine…but you can’t keep me any longer.” Liam teased.

  These guys have spent most of their vacation with me and I’m not going to let them give up New Years too. In less than twelve hours it’ll be the beginning of a new year and I want everyone to have a good time before school is back in session.

  I really want them to have a normal life away from me.

  I walked into the kitchen and saw a beautiful purple orchid plant on the counter. “Where’d this come from?” I asked. There were pots in the sink, the dishwasher was open and some pots on the stove. Who cooked this early? A woman popped out of the dining room wearing a white chef outfit. She stopped mid-way and glared at us.

  “Oh, hi. Ready to eat?” She asked then caught me eyeing the plant. “It’s for inspiration. Beautiful isn’t it?”

  “Orchids are my favorite.” I said turning to Alex. “You didn’t have to call the chef back.” I whispered.

  “I didn’t.” He said looking over at the chef.

  “I did.” Tiffany said with a smile. “She’s amazing, you know. Hope you don’t mind.” Sometimes I want to wring my hands around her neck.

  She led everyone into the dinning room.

  “Everything is done. I’ll just put the dishes away.” The chef said.

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll do it.” Alex said.