Enough

by Pacheco, Briana

  She looked at the pots and then at him.

  “Really?” Alex nodded. “You’re a life saver.” She took of her white chef hat and beautiful brunette curls bounced onto her shoulders. She grabbed her things and headed to the front door. She turned back and said, “Alex, next time you need anything you know where to find me. Have a nice day.” She waved goodbye then left.

  I noticed the orchid was still on the counter so I grabbed it and jogged toward the door. I caught her just in time. “You forgot this.” I said.

  “Keep it.” She said getting into her car and driving away. I went back inside and put the plant back where I got it and found Alex stuffing things into the dishwasher. “Ohmygod.” I gasped.

  “What?” He asked looking over at me.

  “I thought you would have called someone for that.” I teased. I walked over to him and helped him out. “I’m glad you’re not lazy.” I said. Alex just smiled and nudged me with his shoulder.

  “Let’s see what she made.” Alex said as we walked into what looks like a buffet. There are sandwiches, salads, fruit and something that looks like eggplant on the table. Jesus. How did she do all of this?

  After everyone was done eating, we cleaned up and got ready to go home. Liam left from the front door and we headed to the garage. We got in the Escalade and headed for Zach’s house first.

  Once we got there, I was overcome with so many emotions. Would Justin do the treatment if I helped out? What if he doesn’t? I can’t tell him to do anything he doesn’t want to! But he can’t be selfish and not take my offer. It doesn’t hurt to try. Will his family think I’m doing this for the wrong reasons? Fuck, this is so hard. I don’t know what to do.

  I got out of the car with Zach and Sophie.

  “I forgot something in your room.” Sophie said to Zach.

  “I’ll be right back.” I said before I closed the car door. We headed up the stairs to the house I use to come by all the time up until a few months ago. Zach opened the front door and all the good times we had came back to me. There were so many. And then it was over.

  No one was downstairs when we walked upstairs toward Justin’s room. The door was closed with a Do Not Enter sign hanging in the center.

  “You still want to see him?” Zach asked. I nodded.

  “Don’t take it personally if he doesn’t want to see you.” Sophie said.

  That’s not helping. I walked to the door and Zach knocked.

  “Go away!” Justin snapped a second later.

  “Someone came to see you.” Zach said looking at the floor.

  “I don’t fucking care. Leave me alone. I don’t want to see anyone!” He yelled. For someone who’s giving up, he sure does have a lot of energy to yell.

  Zach looked at me for a few seconds.

  “Not even just to say hi?” I asked after a few silent seconds passed. We heard something moving. I looked up at Zach and he was smiling. Guess that’s good. Behind the door we heard a few things tipping over, Justin grunting and more things falling over.

  The door opened and Justin stood there with a huge smile on his lips, panting. “Emily.” He breathed. Justin looks the same. Same brown hair and green eyes like Zach but you can see that he’s had a rough time. His hair is very thin and short and his body looks so…fragile. He pulled me into a hug and I frowned. He feels so fragile. I don’t want to hug him to hard because he might snap. And bruise. He might end up like me.

  “Nobody can get you out of bed.” Zach said as Justin moved his hands down my back. Then his hands were on my butt. And he squeezed.

  I pulled away from him. “Hey,” I looked him over. “I didn’t come here to get groped.” I said. His smile faded.

  “I’m sorry.” Justin said.

  “For some reason, I don’t believe you are.” I said.

  He pulled me into another hug. “I’m not.” He pulled away and smiled again. “Do you want to come in?” Justin asked looking me over then his eyes flickered behind me. “Sophie…nice to see you.”

  “We’ll let you guys talk.” Zach said as he turned away to his room, across from Justin’s. We walked inside and we sat on the bed.

  The tears escaped as I looked him over.

  “So Zach told you…?” He said grabbing my hand and holding my eyes. “Emily, I didn’t want you to see me like this. That’s why I told him not to say anything.” My throat tightened.

  “Why are you giving up, Justin? You were always strong and tough and you just want to give up.” I said staring hard at him.

  He looked out at the window.

  “Emily, when you’re stuck at home all day, you hear things.”

  “What kind of things?” I asked.

  “My family is going through a lot because of me. Ever since I was diagnosed. I saw it starting to unfold. My parents fight all the time…about me. The treatment costs a lot and I still need more of it. My family would be better off without me.” He said. My heart broke.

  “Don’t say that.” I said. “Please.” I turned away from him and stared at his nightstand with papers all over the place. He’s like this because of money. Because he can’t afford the treatment. I have the money. I can help him. His family. He doesn’t need to give up. “If I take care of everything, will you do the chemo again?” I asked.

  He squeezed my hand and made me look at him. “No, you can’t. The treatment is expensive. I don’t want you to get involved anyways.” He said.

  “Justin.” I said grabbing his hands tight. “If I take care of it, will you go back to doing everything to get better? Don’t think about how much it is or any of that. Would you do it if everything was taken care of?”

  “I guess.” He said shrugging. The way he looks doing that killed me. He’s so small and frail. What happened to the smiling, funny asshole who always threw me over his shoulder to piss off Zach? I miss him. I want him back. I want Justin back. “I mean, what would it do, kill me?” He said bringing me back to now. I stared at him and he smiled. “You’re too serious.” He teased.

  “So you’ll do it?” I asked. He was quiet for a while.

  “For you, I would do anything.” He said staring into my eyes. “I heard about the thing…with the guy. Are you okay?” I nodded. The news is invading me life.

  Then Zach and Sophie walked in.

  “Are you ready?” Sophie asked smiling at Justin. Justin smiled back and stood up. He held his hands out for me. I debated whether or not to take them. He looks like he’ll break if he lifts me. I took them but lifted myself up. I’m not that lazy either.

  “You’re leaving?” Justin asked.

  “Yeah. I have a lot to take care of.” I said. He pulled me into another hug. “Justin, your family needs you, and I need you to stay strong.” I whispered. I felt him drop his hands lower down my back. “Hands.” I said. He quickly moved his hands back up to my back. Then the bastard surprised me by kissing me. He has balls. I pulled away from him so he won’t try it again. He knows I can’t hit him. He’s lucky.

  He grabbed my wrist and pulled up the sweater’s sleeve. He stared at the bruises and then looked up at me. I still can’t look at my wrists. It brings back to much and it’s hard to deal with. “Close your eyes and don’t look until you’re outside.” Justin said.

  “What are you going to do?” I asked. If he’s thinking of kissing me–

  “Trust me, okay?” I always did. I closed my eyes and felt him reach for something. A second later I felt something on my skin. A pen. He’s writing on me. I smiled because this is what we use to do. We’d write the name of songs on each other’s arms so when we go home, we’d see it and check out the song. If it was on our phones, we’d forget it was on a note or something. It was cute. And in a way, it made me love Justin. Not as boyfriend material but as a really good friend.

  I felt the pen leave my skin and the arm of the sweater went down.

  “Don’t look at it.” Justin said.

  I opened my eyes and nodded. Then walked over to Zach and Sophie.<
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  “I’ll find out if you’re lying to me.” I said. Justin dropped his smile.

  “I would never.” He said with seriousness written all over his face. I really hope not. I want him to do this treatment. I know he’ll be in pain and he’ll hate it but at least he’ll be trying. He threw himself back in bed and relaxed. We were walking out of the room when Justin called out to me. “Emily!” I walked back in. “Are you seeing anyone?” I glanced at Zach and Sophie.

  “Do you want me to lie?” I asked. I know he likes me so…

  “If it’s not the answer I’m looking for then yes.” He said.

  I smiled. Only he would say that. “I’m single and mingling.”

  He gave me a huge grin. “Then girl, you can stop looking because I’m right here. How about this? If everything works out, I’ll take you out somewhere. You choose.” He sat up on his elbows looking me over.

  “Really?” I asked. He’s not doing this. He’s trapping me into a date. But for him…I’ll do it. “I’m thinking paintball.” I said. He smiled again.

  “I’ll go through hell for you but it’ll be worth it.” He said.

  I’ll go through it too. Every second of every day, I’ll be thinking about him and praying that the treatment works. I’ll do it for him. I’ll be there if he needs me too but I honestly need him there for me. I can’t lose him. I just can’t. He’s a part of my life. And I’m not letting him go without a fight.

  “Bye, Justin.” I said grabbing the door handle.

  “Can you leave it open?” He asked. I did. “Bye, sexy ladies.”

  We walked out into the hall where Zach and Sophie were smiling like love sick fools but I know it was because of Justin.

  “I can’t believe he kissed you.” Sophie said smiling as we walked downstairs. “Is he going to do it?” She asked as Zach opened the door.

  “Yes.” I said. “And I want you to tell me everything. Good or bad. Tell your family I’m taking care of it.” I said to Zach.

  He pulled me into a hug when I stopped beside him.

  “Thank you.” He said into my ear. And I know this wasn’t a thank you for giving his family money. This is a thank you for trying to save his brother’s life. I know we have a history and we’re trying to work on it by being friends but I have a feeling we’ll be okay. We’ll always be okay.

  When he pulled away, he wiped his eyes and smiled at me.

  We said bye and Sophie and I walked out.

  It wasn’t until I got into Alex’s car when I pulled the sleeve of my sweater up. I stared at my bruised wrist and then the ink on my skin. My eyes watered because it was beautiful against my skin. I didn’t see the reminder of my fucked up life. I didn’t see Giovanni.

  I saw hope.

  I saw happiness.

  I’m a freak <3 was written on my wrist. Justin gets ten points for bringing Enrique Iglesias’ song into this and another ten points for the heart. This was the song Justin said was dedicated for me. Yeah, I was a cheerleader and he saw most of the routines. He’s also a guy who sees boobs and ass bouncing up and down while witnessing a group of girls cheering.

  I laughed. Alex looked over at me and I covered my mouth. The tears came next. The came in ugly sobs that made everyone in the car lean forward and worry.

  “I’ll be right back.” I said wiping snot off my face. I got out of the car and ran toward the James’ front door. I ran the doorbell and when Zach opened the door, I pushed past him and ran upstairs. I ran into Justin’s room and I ran to him. My thigh didn’t hurt. Nothing hurt. Nothing hurt except my heart.

  I threw my arms around Justin who was still in bed and I cried against him. I held him and he held me and I didn’t let go. I couldn’t.

  “I can’t lose you.” I cried.

  He cradled my head and tried to hold me up but he’s too weak. I just ended up crushing him. Finally realizing I was hurting him, I pulled back and sat down on the bed.

  I tried to kill myself when I was raped. I took pills and wanted to end my life. I was in pain. I hurt everywhere. I felt like nothing. Now look at Justin. He’s dying because he’s sick and has been for awhile. He’s giving up now because he couldn’t go forward. I’m a fucking bitch for even thinking about killing myself. This amazing guy is suffering and he’s still alive. He’s still here.

  I tried to end my life while he’s trying to save his.

  “I can’t lose you.” I whispered.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” Justin said with a sad smile. “Em, I’ll fucking fight this, alright. I won’t give up.” I nodded and let him hug me. This time he crushed me against him and I didn’t care. My shoulder will heal. I’ll heal. Right now, I need Justin to heal.

  I won’t think about offing myself anymore. I can’t. Not when there are other people in this world who have been or are suffering more than me. I have to live. I have to be me. I have to be enough.

  Justin and I held each other not saying anything. We didn’t need to. We know how much we care about each other. Maybe one more than the other but it’s enough. We’re here. We’re living.

  “See you later, Emily.” Justin said wiping under my eyes.

  “See you later, Justin.” I said smiling. He didn’t say bye. He didn’t say bye because then it’ll be final. See you later means you’ll have another time. And right now, we need more time.

  I left Justin in bed and found Zach leaning against the wall in the hallway. We didn’t say anything. We smiled. We both know what the other is thinking. We both feel the same way.

  He nodded and I left.

  I got back into the car and I took a deep breath.

  “I can’t lose him.” I said. I’m selfish. I know.

  “We won’t.” Sophie said leaning over the seat and hugging me. “We won’t.” I hope she’s right. I want nothing more than that to be true.

  Alex started the car and held my hand as we drove to Tiffany’s house. I don’t need anyone to say anything right now. I just need them to know how I feel.

  When Tiffany got out, she kissed me on the cheek and said, “What you’re doing for him is amazing. I’m lucky to have a best friend like you. I love you, babe.” She headed into her house where Mrs. Paxton waved at me.

  “She’s right.” Bryan said. “What you’re doing is amazing.” He and Sophie are sitting in the second row of the car now. Alex glanced at me and I saw something in his eyes. I don’t know what it is though.

  “Wouldn’t anyone do the same thing?” I asked.

  Sophie leaned in closer. “Emily, you have no idea how amazing you are. This…what you’re doing for Justin…it’s not something anyone would do. This is something only you could do.” She said. I turned in my seat and hugged her. She has no idea how amazing she is too.

  “Hey, Em…” Bryan said leaning forward. “You said you wanted us to spend New Years with our families… do I stay with you for a bit?”

  I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. He is my brother.

  “I don’t know.” I said. “No…no, you should spend it with them. Besides, I kept you from them for a while now.” Bryan’s house is a few blocks from Tiffany’s so we went to his next. When we dropped him off his dad was in the driveway. My dad. Our dad.

  “That’s not awkward.” Bryan said wide-eyed. “I guess we’ll see each other at school. Take care of her.” He directed to Alex. Ha, my brother telling my boyfriend to take care of me. Guess Bryan’s on Alex’s team. Declan will need some more time.

  Our dad waved at me. I smiled and gave a slight wave back. I don’t know what else to do. I never talked to him after I found out he’s my father. He’s still Bryan’s father to me. The idea that he’s my dad still didn’t settle.

  We talked a little bit more about the Victoria’s Secret thing when we drove to Sophie’s house. She kept telling me not to worry about the scars because make-up would cover up everything. I’m trying to believe her.

  “Besides, they might be taken aback by the boobs.” She said when she got out of
the car and leaned in the window. I gave her a go-away-now look. She laughed and waved goodbye.

  I dug in my purse for my keys as Alex headed to my mom’s house and that’s when I noticed my iPod wasn’t there. I take that thing everywhere with me. Shit. This is not good. I left it at Alex’s place. I need it here.

  “Can we go back to your place? I left my iPod.” I said.

  “Now or later?” Alex asked pulling onto the street.

  “You know how I am with my music.” I said.

  Music is basically my life because every song tells a story and most of the time that story sometimes tells mine. It’s creepy and refreshing sometimes.

  “Now it is.” He said making a turn and driving back to his place. We didn’t talk much as he drove. I was busy staring at my wrist.

  “Alex, can I ask you something?” I asked. He glanced at me.

  “I know you care about him. If you need anything from me, I’ll give it to you.” He said. I furrowed my brow. “I’m talking about Justin.”

  “Oh. I was going to ask if you fixed everything in New York but since we’re on the subject…” I stared at the dashboard for a second. “I know you gave the money to my family and my mom is trying to give it back but I want to help him. Do you mind if I–”

  “Don’t even ask if I mind if you take the money.” Alex said looking at me. “You’re trying to help him out and I won’t be the asshole who takes it away from you. Both of you.” He reached for my hand and squeezed. “Keep the money, Em. I’m not taking it back.” I sighed and nodded. “I’m glad I can help you help Justin. And yes, I fixed everything in New York.”

  “I thought your family was a bunch of doctors.” I said changing the subject. I don’t want to cry again. “Why did they have businesses?” I asked.

  “They had other goals in mind too.” He said.

  “Why didn’t you go back to New York?” I asked.

  “What for? I was alone. My family was all I had and I lost them. If I stayed in New York, people would expect things from me that my family use to do. In Boston, all that changed. No one knew who I was except Ben and Sean and I liked it.” He said.