Steel Hearts

by Ashlea Thompson

  19

  “That’s your second jar of pickles,” Evan says as he walks into my room. “Ok, and?” I ask sarcastically. I try to make it look perfectly normal. I hope he doesn’t pick up on it. He shakes his head and smiles, leaning down to kiss me. “It’s time to go,” he says. I slip my shoes on and take his hand. Samantha had decided to have the wedding at the church as opposed to having it at the house outside. She doesn’t want to have to deal with the weather. We are headed there to help decorate.

  Daddy and Jake are putting together the archway and Evan and I are on balloon detail. “Could this wedding get any gaudier?” I ask. Evan just laughs and says, “My mom always said the gaudier the better.” We giggle. How could I ever throw away what Evan and I have, over one drunken mistake? I hope this is Evan’s baby. A small part of me hope’s it’s Jake.

  Jake steals glances at me and Evan. He looks annoyed. I know he is jealous. I don’t envy him though. He is the one that has to put up with my sister for the rest of his life. That is a feat in itself. Evan would be a wonderful father. Jake would be too. I get a wave of nausea. “You ok baby?” Evan asks. “I’m fine. I need to go to the restroom,” I say. I rush to the bathroom hoping I don’t throw up. I take a pill and wait for nausea to subside. I splash my face with water.

  When I get back to the sanctuary, Evan looks worried. I tell him it’s a stomach bug, but I’m fine. Jake looks at me and I nod my head. I watch Samantha as she walks around and supervises. I think she is way over her head. Jake is not the man she thinks he is. Not because of the way he was when we were together, but because of the way he has been with me since she introduced him.

  Most of everyone has gone home, leaving me and Samantha finishing up everything. “Honey, you don’t look so well,” she says, pulling a chair up for me to sit down. “I’m fine,” I say. She offers me a glass of wine, but I decline. “That’s new. What’s with that jar of pickles? You’ve been eating them like crazy. It’s almost like you are pregnant,” she says. Great. “OH MY GOD!” she shrieks. “Keep your voice down. No one knows,” I say. She asks so many questions, “Evan is going to be such a good daddy. Let's hope the kid doesn’t have his big ears,” she says. I do laugh at that. “Please, for all holy things, don’t say anything, ok? No one knows but Momma,” I say. This is going to be the ultimate test. Samantha doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut at all. “It explains the letting out of the dress,” she laughs. I want to punch her.

  We head home, and Samantha hasn’t stopped talking since we left the church. “Are you sure you want to marry Jake?” I ask.

  “Absolutely. He is a wonderful man. Good looking. He has money. Great family. What more could I want?”

  I roll my eyes. “It’s all so fast though.”

  “Love knows no time.”

  “Yes, but have you thought about it, really thought about it?”

  “Yes, I have. This is what I want.”

  “Is it though? These types of decisions shouldn’t be made on a whim.”

  “You are just jealous.”

  “I am not.”

  “You are. You are jealous of my happiness. The guy you were with before Evan didn’t want you and now here you are pregnant and not married. Despite everything you have been miserable since you came home. And I’m happy and you can’t stand it.”

  “You are such a bitch. You have no idea what I’ve been going through. You didn’t even bother to call. And I know Momma has told you a lot. You are making a mistake. Just go ahead and ruin your life.”

  “As far as I’m concerned, my life isn’t the one that is ruined.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “You’re out of the wedding.”

  I slam the door of the car and march upstairs to my room. She infuriates me to no end. I can’t believe she is still a bitch after all these years. I guess being a good sister is out the window now.

  J: Hey what happened with you and Samantha?

  L: We fought. It’s fine.

  J: Where are you?

  L: I’m about to go to Evan’s

  J: She said I should ask you what’s been going on.

  L: It’s not your business.

  I head to Evan’s. I’m so upset, and he is the only person I want to see right now. Not Momma and Daddy. Not Jake. Not even Samantha. My emotions have been all over the place. I just lay in Evan’s arms and cry. He tries to soothe me and make me feel better. I want to tell him everything. About Jake. About the baby. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I wouldn't even know how to put the words together. What would I say? I’m pregnant and I don’t know if it’s yours? The thought breaks my heart and I cry even more.

  After a while of crying, I fell asleep. Evan has covered me up. I sleep hard and dreamless. It is morning by the time I wake up. Evan has made me breakfast. He hands me a cup of coffee, “So, you want to tell me what’s going on?” he asks. I take a deep breath and look at him. I’m shaking and my nerves are getting the best of me. I have to tell him.

  “I fought with Samantha. It turned ugly,” I say, pushing eggs around my plate. I hear my phone chime in the other room, but I ignore it. “I’m sorry baby,” he says. He squeezes my hand. I might as well just tell him about the pregnancy. I would rather him find out from me than anyone else. Sooner or later it’s going to come out, I will start showing soon. “There is something else,” I say. I shove some eggs in my mouth to buy myself some time. “What is it?” He asks. I swallow hard. I’m just going to say, “Evan, I’m pregnant.”

  At first, he seems puzzled. I’m holding my breath. “Honey?’ I ask. “That explains the pickle jar in your bag,” he says, smiling. I laugh and blush. He kisses me and hugs me. He is so excited. “I love you,” he says. “I love you, honey,” I say. I feel guilty because it may not be his. It breaks my heart that it might not be, but he is so happy, I go against telling him.

  I go back to Evan’s room to get my bag and check my phone. I have six missed calls and 12 text messages from Jake. “I’ll pick you up for the rehearsal dinner,” Evan says, kissing me, tears streaming down his face. I kiss him goodbye and walk to my car. Just before I get in, he yells over to me, “I’m going to be a dad!” I wave and smile and get in my car. I can’t take this away from him. I know it's wrong to keep Jake in the dark. For now, that’s what I am going to do.

  I’m walking through the house, and Jake yanks me into the kitchen. He checks to make sure no one is around, “Samantha says you are pregnant.”

  “I am.”

  “Is it mine?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “You couldn’t tell me?”

  “What was I supposed to say? Hey, I’m growing a human who may or may not belong to you?”

  “You and Evan have been sleeping together?”

  “You know we have. He is my boyfriend after all.”

  “Well, you are going to have to find out.”

  “I don’t have to do anything.”

  “Lottie.”

  There is pain on his face. “Look, I love you. I was stupid. I should have never done the things I did. I want you. I need you,” he says. “I have to get ready,” I say and walk off, “Keep your mouth shut, by the way.” I am shaking by the time I reach my room. I shower and get ready. I take the pickle jar out of my purse and giggle to myself.

  The rehearsal dinner is ok for the most part. Evan is very attentive. He stays close to me and waits on me hand and foot. Momma and Daddy watch us with stars in their eyes. There is a lot of tension between me and Samantha, so I try to stay away from her. Momma acts like a buffer between us when we have to talk to each other.

  While everyone is mingling after dinner, I step outside for some air. I need some time alone to think. The amount of love Evan has shown me since I told him makes me happy. It's a love I’ve never known. It is something that has grown every day. My love for Jake hasn’t gone away. I just love him differently.

  “Hey,” Jake says, walking up behind me. “Hey, what are you doing out here?” I as
k. “I should ask you the same thing,” he says. We stand in silence, the only thing I can hear is the frogs, and the ice clinking in his glass. He smells like he has been drinking too much. I would probably drink like that just to be around my sister most of the time. “I needed some air. Samantha is a bridezilla tonight,” he says. I nod. “When are we going to talk about this Lottie?” he asks.

  “I don’t think there is anything to talk about. Evan is the father. End of story,” I say.

  Jake reaches over and touches my belly. His touch sends a spark through me. I put my hands on his hand, and we stood like that for a while. We jump when we hear the door open. Momma pokes her head out, “Lottie, Evan is looking for you.” I nod at Jake and walk back in. Momma stands there for a moment. She pats my shoulder and follows me.

  20

  We are all up with the chickens to get ready for the wedding. I spend the first hour of the day laying on the bathroom floor. Morning sickness will be the death of me. I’m almost certain of it. When the feeling has passed, I peel myself off the floor and manage to shower. Samantha still doesn’t want me in the wedding, and I am fine with that. There is still a lot of animosity between us. I’m still going to be there with bells and whistles on and play the supportive sister.

  Once breakfast is done, and Momma and Samantha leave for the church, I spend some time with Daddy. We mostly talk about the baby, and the plans Evan has for our future. Daddy gives advice the way Momma does, but he always lets me find my way. Whatever decision I make he will always be supportive. “I love you, Daddy,” I say, kissing him on the cheek. “I love you, too sugar,” he replies. I head upstairs to get ready.

  I hear my phone go off just as I’m getting in the shower. I look at my phone and see a message from Jake.

  J: I don’t know if I want to go through with this.

  L: It’s your wedding day. You have cold feet. You will be alright.

  I finished getting ready and headed down to the kitchen. Daddy finished his coffee and giggled at me for putting a jar of pickles in my purse. “What, I need a snack,” I say, “You need to get to the church. You have to get dressed.” He puts his coffee cup in the sink then hugs me. “You look beautiful sugar,” he says. I blush and sit in the living room waiting for Evan. He refuses to let me drive. I hate driving anyway, so I let him cart me around to places I need to go.

  “You are stunning,” he says, taking my hand and helping me down the stairs. Heels might not have been a good idea. “Let’s ride, Clyde,” I say. We head towards the church. This might be one of the hardest things to do. Well, not the hardest. The hardest thing was losing Nina. We arrive at the church and there is already a crowd. Typical Samantha. She invited anyone and everyone. It looks like a circus to me.

  Evan finds Daddy, and I head to the bridal room. As much as my sister grates my nerves, she does look beautiful. We take obligatory photos and go through the motions. “I think you are beautiful. I’m sorry for everything,” I say. “It’s ok. We are sisters. We are supposed to hate each other now and again. I do love you,” she says. I tell her I love her, and I head to find Evan.

  The sanctuary is full of flowers and balloons, it looks like a kid's birthday party and a funeral all rolled up into one. Despite this, it is pretty. We take our seats and wait for the ceremony to begin. I hate that I’m not standing up there with her, but also glad I’m not. These heels are killing my feet and I’m not even standing.

  The music starts to play, and Evan takes my hand and squeezes it. The look on his face is pure joy and love. I smile and kiss his cheek. The flower girl begins her trip down the aisle, followed by the ring bearer and the bridesmaids. They all look so lovely. The music is pretty, too. It would not have been my choice, but it’s fitting for Samantha. Once the wedding party has made their journey and gets settled, the wedding march begins.

  Jake walks out to stand next to the preacher, and the back doors open. Samantha is radiant and Daddy looks proud. I have a knot in my stomach. I don’t know what Jake is going to do. He has been telling me for days that he has doubts and he doesn’t know if he can go through with this. He is in love with me. Tears are flowing all around the sanctuary. My emotions are all over the place. I cannot sit still to save my life.

  Samantha reaches the altar, and the preacher proceeds with the nuptials. I hold my breath when he gets to the “I Do’s”. Jake is shaking at this point. Samantha says her part, then Jake repeats what the preacher is saying. All the sudden, he says, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

  There is a silence in the room that is deafening. There are a few murmurs. Samantha is standing frozen, not comprehending what is going on. I’m sitting there with my mouth hanging open. “What do you mean you can’t do this?” Samantha asks Jake.

  “I’m sorry,” Jake says and walks down the aisle out of the sanctuary. His mom gets up and follows him out. After a few minutes of standing in shock, she runs off to the bridal suite. I get up and tell Evan to wait right where he is, and Momma and I go after her. Samantha is in tears and rightfully so. Her soon-to-be husband just walked out on her. I know the reason why, but I dare not say. I know what is about to happen and the thought makes me want to puke.

  Momma does her best to console Samantha. I sit in silence. I’m not usually good at these kinds of things. I just sit and hold her hand. Daddy knocks on the door, and Jake enters after him. We all are staring at him. There is fear in my eyes. “Maybe we should go and let them have a few moments together,” I say, getting up and heading toward the door. “No,” Samantha says, “He can tell all of us. He owes us that much.”

  “Samuel, let everyone know that they can go ahead and head to the fellowship hall. They are welcome to eat. We don’t want all that food to go to waste,” Momma says to Daddy. Daddy kisses Samantha’s cheek and heads to the sanctuary. “I think you owe an explanation Jake,” Samantha says. She stands up, tall and regal. I admire her. She is trying to save what dignity she has left, after being left at the altar.

  “It’s been a wonderful six months, Samantha. It has. I’ve been trying to find a way to say this. It’s not you. It’s never been you,” he says. Tears are streaming down Samantha’s face. “Then who is it? Who are you so stuck on, that you can’t marry me? I thought you loved me.” Samantha says. She is shaking with anger but trying to keep her cool. She is trying not to hit him. “I do, but it’s just not the right kind of love,” Jake says. I’m standing behind him with my hand on the door ready to bolt. I know it’s coming. “I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend. It’s always been her,” Jake says. He turns around and reaches for my hand. “Her? That’s your ex?” Samantha yells. The urge to throw up hits me, and I run out the door. I can hear Samantha screaming.

  This is the worst day ever. I was hoping he would go through with it. I wanted him too. I know that is probably wrong. It’s the truth. I wanted him to get married and leave me alone despite the feelings I have for him. I love Evan, but I love Jake too. It’s a disaster. When the screaming stops, I make my way cautiously down to the fellowship hall. I am looking for Evan. Jake grabs me and pulls me into the kitchen. “I really shouldn’t be talking to you. I’m looking for Evan, have you seen him?” I ask. “No. I haven’t. Lottie, I need to talk to you. I want to be with you,” he says.

  “I don’t have time for this. I want to go home.”

  “I just left your sister, at the altar no less, and you want to go home?”

  “Jake.”

  “Lottie.”

  He kisses me. Hard. I try to push him away. This is not the time or the place. I walk out of the kitchen and head toward the front door. I spotted Samantha headed straight for me. Before I can reach the door, she intercepts me and pushes me. “Hey watch it, I’m pregnant,” I say. “That’s the only reason you are still alive at this point because I want to murder you right now,” she says. She pulls me by my arm into the preacher's office and shuts the door, “I want to know what the hell is going on. Right now.” I take a deep breath.

  “Jak
e and I were together for a year. I left him because he didn’t want a future with me. I also caught him cheating on me with his assistant. I didn’t know that he started dating you, much less asked you to be his wife, until he showed up at the BBQ.”

  “What else. I know there is more. There has to be.”

  “We spent some time together, while you were running around doing wedding stuff.”

  I put my hands around my belly. It’s more of a protection move than anything. “We also slept together.” I take a step back. She has this calm look on her face. It’s scary. I don’t know what she is going to do. I take another step back. “Is he the father of your child?” she asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?”

  “I don’t know. It could be his. It could be Evan’s.

  “That’s classy Lottie.”

  She marches off to God knows where and I rush outside. I forgot my purse, so I run back in to grab it. Momma and Daddy are standing outside when I finally get out of the building. I tell them I’m leaving to go home. Jake is standing with his parents and sees me walking across the parking lot. He heads towards me. “Not now Jake, please not now,” I say. He stops beside me. Suddenly, the doors of the church are kicked open. It’s Evan and he is pissed. He makes a beeline straight for us. Everything is moving in slow motion. As soon as Evan reaches us, he throws a punch and hits Jake in the face, “You son of a bitch!” Blood starts flowing from his nose and he hits the ground. “Oh my god,” I say. I grab an old shirt from the car and bend down and place it on his face to try and stop the bleeding. Daddy and my cousin get to Evan and try to keep hold of him back before he can do more damage.

  Evan looks at me with disgust. That hurts more than anything. I get in the car and drove nowhere in particular. I have so many thoughts in my head. My relationship is over with Evan, this much is true. I want to talk to him though. I need to explain things. After a few hours, I pulled up to the house. I go to my room and lock the door, turning my phone off. I lay down. I think.