Steel Hearts

by Ashlea Thompson

  21

  These past three months have been hard. I haven’t spoken to Evan at all. He refuses to speak to me now. Duke says to give him some time. I have ignored Jake completely. Samantha will not speak to me and wants nothing to do with me. I quit the bar and took up a job at the cafe. It would have been too hard and too much of a conflict of interest. There are more hours, and I am making more money. My days have been filled with work and doctors’ appointments. Nothing more than that.

  I am headed home from work. My back is killing me, and my feet hurt. On a whim, I sent him a text.

  L: Hey. Can we talk?

  It’s a good four hours before I get a response.

  E: Yeah, Come by tomorrow.

  L: Ok. I’ll be there after work.

  The day at the cafe is long. I go over in my mind what to say to Evan. I want to make amends. I don’t know if he will take me back. I want him in my life. I love him. I go home and change and shower before I go over. I text him to let him know I am on the way.

  Evan is waiting on the porch when I get there. He has two glasses of sweet tea sitting out. How thoughtful. I take it as a good sign. I pull up and park, and he walks to my car. My nerves are haywire at this point. I have no idea how this is going to go. I take a deep breath. I start to speak, but Evan pulls me into a hug. We stand like this for what seems like forever. I miss his arms being around me. He places a hand on my stomach and then takes my hand.

  We walk hand in hand to the porch, and I take a seat. My mouth is dry, and I drink my tea quickly. Evan just smiles and fills my tea back up. “Want some pickles?” he asks. I just laugh and he brings some out. “So, what do you want to talk to me about?” he says, after taking a sip of his tea. I start with small talk. I ask how he has been, and how Duke is.

  We sit in silence for a good bit. The sun is starting to set. Evan reaches over and takes my hand. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things,” he says.

  “About?”

  “Us. The baby.”

  “Tell me.”

  “I want to see where this goes. I still love you. I always will. I want to know if the baby is mine.”

  “Ok. We can do that.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about Jake?”

  “It was a very delicate time with the wedding and everything. I was drunk. He was drunk. There was a history. It happened. I am very sorry. About everything.”

  Evan is staring at the floor. He looks like he is lost in thought. I know it’s not the best apology, but it’s what I have. I understand if this doesn’t go anywhere. “We all make mistakes,” he says after a few minutes, “I forgive you. We will take this slow.” I sigh with relief. Now the ball is in my court. If it is Evan’s baby, then I will be with him. If it’s Jake’s, I would have to build a relationship with him. I love Jake, so it’s possible. I love Evan even more.

  I feel better by the time I leave Evan’s house. I think things are starting to look up. Momma is in the living room when I get home. “Come sit with me, child,” she says. I curl up on the couch with her. My Momma has been the best through all of this. She knows I’m struggling. We talked for a while.

  “I think I want to have a prenatal paternity test,” I say, “I don’t want to wait five months to find out.” Momma starts to rub my feet. It feels good. “I think that would be a good thing to do. We can call the doctor and set it up,” she says. I go upstairs and get ready for bed. I hope that this will settle things once and for all. I know what I want, but I know that whatever happens, I have to deal with it. Either way, it’s fate.

  I know I have to tell Jake what I’m going to do. I’ve been avoiding him like the plague. It’s late, but I know he is awake. I text him. After a few minutes, my phone rings. “I was wondering if you were ever going to answer your phone,” he says. “I know,” I replied. I ask him how he is if he has heard from Samantha, about his parents. I’m not nearly as nervous as when I was talking to Evan about everything. “I am going to have a paternity test done. It’s a prenatal one. So, you and Evan will have to give samples. I’m calling the doctor tomorrow to set everything up,” I say. Jake wants to know what will happen if the baby is his.

  “Let’s just find out who the father is first,” I tell him. We say our goodbyes, and I try to sleep. I am a little restless. I like being in control of things, but leaving it up to fate is hard,

  22

  We are meeting at the hospital for prenatal testing. We haven’t been in the same room since the wedding. The tension is unbearable. Evan is holding my hand while we sit in silence. Jake can’t sit still. Momma is here with us and is acting as a buffer. The nurse calls both men back one at a time. I am getting more nervous as time passes.

  Once Evan and Jake are done giving their samples, it’s time for me to go back. Jake leaves to go to the cafeteria to get some coffee. He doesn’t want to be in the same room as Evan. It would be a disaster. Momma and I sit in the little room for a bit before the nurse comes back. I see the size of the needle and I immediately feel sick to my stomach. I’m hoping this isn't going to hurt even though the nurse assures me. She says I will feel a lot of pressure. The doctor comes in and starts the task at hand. Momma holds my hand as the doctor and nurse complete the procedure. The results will take about two weeks to come back.

  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. “Can I talk to you, Lottie?” Jake asks, “alone?” I nod at Momma and Evan to let them know it’s ok, that I will only be a minute. “What is it?” I ask. I’m slightly annoyed as I desperately need a nap and a back rub. “Have you thought about what you are going to do once the baby is here?” He asks.

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Don’t you think you need to make a decision?”

  “Don’t you think pressuring me is a little wrong?

  “I’m not trying to pressure you, Lottie.”

  “Look, when the results come back, we will go from there. Right now, I’m trying to repair things with Evan.”

  Jake has an annoyed look on his face, but it is what it is. He just has to be patient. This is a big deal for all of us. I know he wants to be together. I don’t know if I can bring myself to have that with him. I know that I haven’t been the best person in the world. I’ve made mistakes, too. We could be what we once were. We would have to build from the ground up, just like Evan and I are doing.

  Before I leave the nurse gives Momma an envelope that contains the sex of the baby is. We are having a party on Sunday. I was against having a gender reveal, but for the sake of my Momma, I let her host one. So, I let her. Momma has gone all out since she found out I was pregnant. The guest room is full of everything I need for a baby. She is so excited and proud. Judging by everything, she is going to spoil the baby rotten and I’m ok with that.

  The week has dragged on. When Sunday arrives, I am exhausted. I had no idea that growing a human would be this much work. Some women make it look so damn easy, but for me, it’s like juggling chainsaws. The cravings, the morning sickness, my swollen ankles. After breakfast, I lay down to take a nap before the party. Momma has the house decorated with balloons and streamers, and she ordered a special cake. Friends and family have shown up. We are all sitting around outside talking and watching the kids play when a car pulls into the drive.

  Samantha gets out of her car and is carrying a few gift bags and balloons. She is the one person I didn’t think would come. We sent her an invitation, even though I was quite sure that she was still angry with me. I get up and walk over to her and she hugs me tight. “Let’s talk after the party,” she says. I nod and we walk over to everyone. It’s time to cut the cake and see if I am having a boy or a girl. I am slightly nervous, but I will be happy either way.

  Everyone gathers around and I cut the cake. The cake is blue. I am having a little boy. Tears start streaming down my face. I am so happy at this moment surrounded by my family and friends. I only wish we knew who the father was, so he can be here to share this moment. We still have a week to go before we fi
nd out.

  The party is over by five o’clock. I decided to take a piece of cake to Evan and Duke. I haven’t been to the bar in a while. I see Duke at the bar as I walk in and show him the cake. He points to the office where Evan is. “Hey beautiful,” he says as I walk in. He kisses my belly and then kisses me. It’s a sweet gesture. He grabs a plastic fork and digs in. I tell him about the party and about Samantha coming. He thinks it's a good idea that we talk.

  Samantha is in the kitchen when I get home, cleaning up some dishes from the party. “I was wondering when you were going to get back,” she says. I pick up a towel and start drying dishes as she washes them. “Why Momma wanted to use real dishes, I will never know,” I say. We both laugh. We talk about odds and ends as if she is trying to avoid why she wanted to talk to me. After we are done, we sit at the table and drink some tea. “I didn’t think you would show up,” I say.

  “Well, you are having my nephew. I’m going to spoil that little boy. I also wanted to make up.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought here lately. I want to be sisters again.”

  “We can do that.”

  “I want to say I’m sorry for the way I acted, too. I was crazy. I could have handled it a different way. I was so angry I wanted to get back at you, so I told Evan.”

  “You had a right to be angry. It was a whole clusterfuck.”

  “Jake and I had it out about a week after what happened. I still don’t forgive him.”

  I told Samantha about what happened between me and Jake. I told her about Sarah, and not wanting to settle down with me. The only thing I can come up with is that he was only settling down because that is what his mother wanted. Poor Samantha just went along with it, in the belief that Jake did love her. I think he does, but not in the capacity to marry. “Do you think the baby belongs to Jake?” She asks me. “I am not sure. I think it’s Evan’s, but there is that small chance that it does belong to Jake,” I say.

  We finish our cups of tea and turn in for the night. Samantha is going to stay for a few days, which is nice. I hope we can spend some time together while she is here.

  23

  I’ve given a lot of thought to the job offer with the museum. I want to take the job, but with only 3 months left till the birth, it wouldn’t make sense to work for three months and then go on maternity leave. I called Mr. Wilton and let him know the decision I have made. He says that my position will be open when I am ready. I plan to move to Chattanooga in 6 months. The thought scares me, knowing that I will have a newborn. I won’t know anyone so it will be hard to have someone keep the baby.

  Momma and Samantha both say that they can take turns to help. I know it won't be a problem for Momma, but with Samantha's public relations firm taking off she may not have time. I keep the offer in the back of my mind though. The thought of me possibly being a single mom scares me. If the baby is Jake’s, he will be in his life, but I don’t think I would ever consider another romantic relationship with Jake. I have no idea where mine and Evan’s relationship is heading.

  I put in my two weeks at the café. I have enough money saved up, and work is becoming a chore. I stepped outside to take a break and checked my phone. I have a missed call from the doctor’s office. They called to tell me the results were in. I have a wide range of emotions at this point. I have an appointment tomorrow anyway, so I plan on picking up the results then. I spent the evening with the family. “What are you going to do with the results,” Momma asks, shuffling a deck of cards. “I don’t know,” I say. We start playing spades, but my mind is somewhere else. What do I do with the results? Should I tell the father immediately? Should I keep them 'til the baby is born? I’m not sure. I have a lot of excitement, but I also have a lot of dread.

  I got to see an ultrasound today of my baby boy. It’s been a while since my last one. He is growing and measuring ahead of schedule. He is so beautiful. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms and hear him cry for the first time. The doctor decides that he wants to induce me if I don’t go into labor first. The nurse gives me the DNA results, but I wait to open it.

  When I get back in the car, I stare at the envelope. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I hope the one person I want to be the father, is the father. I’m shaking as I open the envelope. I read through the letter, and at the end, is the result. I cry. I cry because I am happy. I cry because the wait is over. I cry because now maybe, I can have a complete family. I know what I have to do. I make a plan and head home.

  I wrap up my last day at the café. It’s bitter-sweet. . Momma, Samantha, and I spend our days shopping for the baby and spending time together. Daddy is taking it in stride. He has been a trooper with everything. He has built a crib for his new grandson, and it is so beautiful. Momma has converted the guest room into a nursery. They are both so proud. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Evan.

  Evan and my relationship are growing despite everything. I can’t help but love him. He has been so patient and kind. He has been amazing through these last few months of the pregnancy. He has been very attentive. Duke doesn’t like the fact that Evan and I have been spending a lot of time together. I hope that he will come around.

  24

  It’s been two months since I got the results of the DNA test. I know I shouldn’t have held on to it, but I did. However, I wanted to make sure I was positive about what I was doing. I call Jake to tell him I’m coming to Birmingham tomorrow, that I need to speak to him. This is something that needs to be done in person, and not over the phone. For the first time in months, I slept peacefully. I am no longer on edge. After breakfast, Daddy offers to drive me down, but this is something I need to do on my own. I know he means well; he just wants to protect me.

  The trip down to Birmingham is a nice one. It’s a gorgeous day with a cloudless sky. I decided to stop by Nina’s grave. I haven’t been here since she passed. I placed a bouquet of her favorite flowers on her headstone. I tell her everything. I know that she would be proud of me. She would give me her advice. She would hug me and tell me everything will be ok in the end. I wish she would be able to meet my little one. She would love him as much as I do. I feel something that might be a contraction, but I ignore it. I sit for a bit before I leave the cemetery.

  I met Jake at the Indian restaurant that we had our first lunch date at. “You are glowing,” he says as he walks up to my car. He helps me out and we head into the restaurant. I’ve been craving curry and I’m a little excited about it. After we order our food, we make a little small talk. I haven’t seen him since the doctor’s visit. We are both nervous as he knows why I’m here. I get uncomfortable as another contraction hits. I ignore it again, thinking it’s Braxton Hicks. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?” he asked me.

  I try to beat around the bush, but there is no use. “I have the results,” I say. He is a little upset that I haven’t told him sooner, but I decided to wait. He puts his fork down and gives me his full attention. My nerves are getting the best of me. I take a sip of water. Just as I am about to tell him the results, I feel a pop and dampness. “Well, spit it out Lottie,” he says. “I can’t. My water just broke,” I say. Another strong contraction hits and it is unbearable. This pain is something else. Jake jumps up and helps me out of the seat, “We have to get you to the hospital.” The owner comes out and Jake lets her know what’s going on, and he will be back later to settle the check.

  I call Momma and tell her I’m in labor. She and Daddy leave immediately. The drive to the hospital is a short one, but it feels like it’s thirty thousand miles away. The contractions are getting stronger and closer together. I hope we make it before the baby comes. I do not want to have this kid on the side of the highway. We make it to the hospital, and they rush me back to labor and delivery. It’s going to be at least three hours before Momma and Daddy get here. I can’t reach Samantha. So, the only other person here is Jake. This is not how I planned it.

  Everything is happening so f
ast. By the time we get back to the room, I am dilated to a ten and it’s time to push. It hurts so bad. We didn’t have time for an epidural. Jake holds my hand and talks me through everything. I’m pretty sure I broke his hand. One more final push and my baby boy makes his way into the world. He is gorgeous. I’m exhausted.

  I’m asleep by the time Momma and Daddy arrive. Evan comes into the room, too. I guess Daddy called him after I called. Samantha gets there about an hour later. When I wake, Momma is the only one in the room. Momma is holding the baby. She puts him in my arms, and I am so in love. He has ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. He is the spitting image of me. Momma goes and gets everyone.

  When everyone comes in, there are tears of joy. “Everyone meet Jackson Everett,” I say. Everyone takes turns holding Jackson. I realize I didn’t get to tell Jake or Evan the results. I guess now is a good time. “Can I speak to Evan and Jake alone, please?” I ask. Momma and Daddy hug me and kiss the baby and go down to the cafeteria. Samantha doesn't want to leave me alone, but I tell her it’s ok. Everything will be fine.

  I didn’t plan to tell them both in the same room, but thanks to Jackson’s determination to enter the world, it’s something I just have to go through with. “I wanted to tell you guys separately who the father is, but Jackson had other plans,” I say, smiling down at him. “I sat on the results for a long time 'til I was sure of what to do. I know that it has been nerve-wracking to you both, and for that, I am sorry,” I say. Evan sits down in the chair across the room. Jake remains standing by the window. “I want you to know that either way, each one of you means a lot to me, and I thank you for being a part of my life in different ways,” I say, soothing Jackson as he starts to cry. I know I’m stalling. I am trying to find the words. I don’t know what the reaction will be. I just know that there is a lot of love here.