Walk of Shame

by Gregory, O. L.

  I finally gave up on the idea of sleep and sat up.

  Liam had been dozing in the chair next to mine. But he'd opened his eyes and watched me thoughtfully for a moment while I looked out the window at the vast ocean. Finally, he stood and pulled me to my feet, before leading me over to a short couch. He reclined us both back and I laughed because I hadn't known the couch could recline back like the chairs had.

  He grabbed a couple blankets from the shelf under the side table, spread them over us, then leaned back and pulled me up against him to cuddle me. "Sleep, baby."

  His calm and patience must have overpowered my worried will, because I turned in his arms, cuddled my head to his chest, and drifted off.

  We landed back in Montana and were driven out to our rigs, which had been pulled out of storage and set up for us by production, at a resort along a different lake than before. Liam was at one end of the resort, Goldie and I at the other. The other guys' rigs would join Liam's as they arrived over the course of the next day and a half. I was supposed to be using this time to reflect on my choices.

  Troy helped with that. Of course, he did it by showing me clips of the week and having me state my reactions to things that were said and done.

  For Mike, I had nothing but good things to say. His family had made me feel at home, despite the inquisition. And even the manner in which the brothers had questioned me had given me the impression that, should I choose their brother, their circle of protection would then include me. There was something to be said for that. And, besides that, Mike was Mike. He was good, and fair, and solid. He was the one I always checked and balanced myself against. He'd been a sounding board for me during all those morning runs. He'd been a constant I could count on. And yeah, he'd shown me his insecurity at times, but that just made him even more honest in my eyes. Mike wasn't the kind of guy you 'fell' in love with. He was the kind that sneaked his way into your heart, pouring cement into each crack, strengthening it, without you even realizing it. Then one day you wake up and, boom, there he is, invading your thoughts. Sneaky little bastard.

  Jared, oh, Jared. The man was awesome. I could so easily picture my life with him... if I could just pluck him out of the damn swamp. I really, really, really, wanted to pick Jared. I did. But I really, really, really didn't want to have to go live in the swamp nine months out of the year. I loved the idea of the family business. And I had no problems with the concept of wildlife conservation. But, ugh, the swamp. And the swamp was so obviously a part of him. That was something that had really hit home with me the day I'd spent with him this week. So how could I think myself to be in love with him when I hated the swamp? And would I still feel so lovey-dovey with him once we were out in the middle of nowhere and he came back to the rig covered in mud? But, to be fair, I couldn't rule out the idea that I might actually grow to like and appreciate swampland and creatures if I just gave in, picked Jared, and went off to live there.

  Phillip, the whole thing just had me wanting to bang my head against a wall. It had been Phillip's intelligence and maturity that had made him sexy as hell to me from day one. The man had done nothing for weeks but make me smile and turn me on. But the fact that he didn't have a plan as to how our life would realistically run, or that he hadn't told me he has a permanent setup for his rig, it just went against everything I thought I knew about him. I knew he had been keeping information to himself, I figured he was just the quiet type, but I hadn't known he was keeping so many things from me. And I couldn't decide if it was that he didn't want to plan for something he might not get, or that he had a plan and knew I wouldn't like it. Either way, it just seemed to me that someone with so much intelligence and maturity would have had a plan.

  And Liam, oh good Lord, Liam. I could feel the smile stretch across my face just thinking about the trip I'd taken with him. The whole trip over had been absolutely wonderful. The only issue I was having was in separating how much of my enjoyment stemmed directly from him and his family, and how much was from being in Scotland. Would he have impressed me as much if his parents had come to Colorado and we'd visited them with his father's side of the family instead? I didn't have a ready answer for that. It was just that Liam always seemed to have this air of magic around him. I had to wonder if I'd be so head-over-heels for him if he weren't so Scottish. But, Scotland was a part of him and I loved Scotland.

  Liam and Jared were two peas in exact opposite pods.

  I slept long and hard that night, with Goldie sympathetically snuggled against my stomach. I couldn't decide if it was because I was exhausted from all my travels, or if it was because I was using sleep as an escape from my mental debates.

  Saturday

  I was to spend the entirety of Saturday by myself, sequestered with my own thoughts.

  What a freaking scary place to be.

  I started out pacing around, thinking about each guy. Then I started scrubbing surfaces, trying not to think about them. Then I went back to pacing.

  Round about noon there was a knock on my door.

  I opened it to find Troy standing there. "Em, Phillip wants five minutes. He says you asked him to come to you with a plan when you both got back?"

  "Yeah, I did. And I need to hear it before the Walk of Shame."

  "All right, well, he's here. Are you ready to hear from him?"

  "Can we do it without the hair and makeup artists?"

  "Yeah."

  "Then bring him over."

  Troy left and returned a few moments later.

  "I'll keep it short," Phillip said. "Instead of a week per month with my family, we'll alternate the months. One week one month with yours, then next month we'll spend a week with mine. So, six weeks per year with each. I know that's more than you spend there now, but your parents will want that, once grandkids enter the picture anyway. And I can drive down to mine, if I have to, for a few hours while we're visiting your family. And vice-versa as your parents get older. I still want to keep the spot in the marina, but I'll be letting the marina rent it out more. That's about the best I can do."

  I nodded. "I appreciate your coming over here to let me know."

  "Em, I'm sorry. I should have had this all thought out. I just like to know what's happening first, before I make plans around it. All the what-ifs are so abstract to me. I don't like to make plans that I have to break. And they're plans I wanted to make with you, once it was set that we'd be together."

  I nodded again. "I hear you. It's just that I like to know what I could potentially be getting into, ahead of time. You went from being so sure of yourself to looking like you had something to hide. I'm just trying to figure out which is the real you, the one I'd be living with."

  "I had a plan of attack for trying to get and keep your attention. That all depended on me, and what actions I chose. But a life together... I guess I was just waiting until we could picture it together. I don't want to make plans without your input."

  "I can appreciate that. But I wanted to know how you wanted life to go. To see what you could come up with. Then I could figure out if it was close to something that I could deal with, compromising the details can come later. I was looking to all the guys to set the yardstick so I could view all my options with my eyes wide open on everyone's expectations. Normally, yes, let's plan things together, but I'm not in a normal situation. If you expect me to make this decision blind, then I may as well have you all draw straws."

  "I get it. I'm sorry I didn't fully understand that before. I can't possibly imagine what you must be going through. You aren't just choosing a guy. You're choosing a life. I don't think I had a full appreciation for that before. I apologize."

  "I don't need an apology. I just need you to know what you want and what you're willing to give."

  "All right. Well, I'm supposed to get out of here and leave you to your decision-making."

  "Thank you. I mean it, thank you. I needed to know where you stood."

  He nodded, a regretful look on his face as he turned away to leave.


  I'd been so formal to him, but I couldn't help it. His lack of ready answers this week had left me cold towards him. I was going to have to spend a good chunk of the afternoon trying to figure out exactly why that was. I didn't want to dismiss him just because of an off day. I had to figure out why I was so suddenly turned off on the idea of him.

  Sunday

  By the time Sunday morning rolled around, I thought I had my feelings on Phillip figured out. I really felt as though Phillip could love me, deeply love me, but I had one major issue with him. He didn't make me feel safe. I mean, from seeing him creep through the woods to gun down Mr. Bear, I knew he was capable of keeping me safe. But he didn't make my heart feel safe in his hands.

  Unless I could trust a guy with both my body and my heart, I couldn't see him as being the one for me.

  But... My unsettled mind drifted to Jared. He was married to the swamp, and to a family business. Don't get me wrong, Jared always had a plan and answers. But, did he really want to live the kind of lifestyle that took extra days out and back from assignments? Did he really want to park all winter at non-swampy locations? Or was he just talking in theory?

  UGH!!! I had to stop. I was going to get myself all confused and jumbled again, just when I thought I had a few things figured out.

  I couldn't take being holed up with myself anymore. I changed, put on my sneakers, and patted my leg for Goldie to follow. I hit a hiking trail and ran. I ran so long and hard that Goldie finally plopped down and refused to move. I texted production and asked them to come get her. They said they'd bring a golf cart around to pick her up for me. I ordered her to stay until help arrived and I continued on, pushing myself until I texted production to come pick me up.

  I got back to my rig, showered, and took a nap.

  They woke me up at six to start getting me ready for the show.

  I sat in the chair, letting them do their thing, as they primped me to send someone home. I was calm and collected, because by the time I was done running, I had a plan.

  I'd come up with a question. A simple one. And I was going to ask it to both Jared and Phillip. Because, in a nutshell, they both had a habit of going out to do their assignments and then they returned home. Yet, they both claimed they wanted to be on the road, too. I needed to know if I was overreacting to Phillip just because of the way he'd handled the situation, and if I was overestimating Jared just because he had everything planned out on paper. This question was going to solve it for me, in my mind. If one of them failed, that's the one that was going home. If they both failed, well then, they could both go home. If they both passed, I was going to have to go with the easy out and cut Phillip loose.

  Troy placed me first this time, and then brought the guys in. The resort had a beautiful outdoor fireplace with lots of surrounding patio stonework. Normally tables and chairs sat around to create a gathering area. Tonight the furniture had been removed, and candles and flowers were strategically placed to set the stage for the first really heartbreaking goodbye.

  Everyone in production knew that these four had been the four main, real contenders. In their minds, I had kept Stephen around that extra week just to put off the inevitable moment when I'd be forced to send one of these four home. And they were going to do everything they could to paint it just that way in the promos.

  "Gentlemen," Troy began, "we are gathered once again. Emmaline, as you've all heard, went for a long run today, ironed out her feelings about tonight, and has come to a decision. I know we're getting down to the wire and tensions can begin to run high. I trust that you will respect her choices, and act the part of the gentlemen that you've all portrayed yourselves to be."

  Poor Troy, he'd pretty much seen it all through the seasons of this show. I guessed I'd never stopped to think what he must go through, trying to deal with everyone else's emotions, especially when they become volatile. He turned to wink at me, then stepped back.

  I nodded to Troy and turned to the guys. "Liam, I had an absolutely amazing time visiting with your family and seeing the place you call home. Time spent with you is always enjoyable, you keep me on my toes, and every surprise you have for me tends to score you big points. It's been how you've proven that you know me and you pay attention to what I like. I'd love it if you'd stay with me," I said.

  He beamed from ear to ear, the most unreserved smile I'd ever seen from him. "I'd treasure the chance to stay with you," he said and moved to the side, to flank the fireplace.

  "Michael, your family is everything I could hope it to be. And their love for you comes shining through, as does your love for them. Time spent with you is simply perfection. For us, it's always been about the little moments, which are always greater in number than monumental ones. Please stay another week."

  He grinned and I swore I could see love shining through his eyes at me. "Of course I will." He moved to flank the other side of the fireplace.

  I looked at the two guys left. Jared standing proud and sure of himself, and Phillip trying to. It didn't escape me that Phillip probably figured he was going home. But I was about to throw the dog a bone and give him one last shot to redeem himself.

  "Here's my problem with the two of you," I started. "Both of you travel to do your work assignments, and then you go home. Neither one of you have fully been living the lifestyle that I have because you keep going home. And I have to wonder, for both of you, how serious you really are about being out on the road with me."

  Jared's eyes widened in surprise, as though he couldn't believe I doubted him. Phillip's eyes widened in shock that he wasn't the only one I doubted.

  "Long before I decided to live on the road, I'd been tearing pages out of travel magazines of places that looked interesting and fun to visit. And when I decided to do it, I made out a list. A list of places I wanted to see. It was so long that I had to organize it by state. I've carried the list around with me and I cross off each place when I finally get there. So, I'm asking both of you, if you're serious about living this way, I'd like to see your lists."

  Phillip looked stupefied.

  Jared smiled and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He thumbed through screens and brought up a document. "Here's my list," he said and stepped forward to hand me his phone so I could see it.

  I quickly scanned it. He had some little known places on there. Some places I'd been to, but none I would mind seeing again. Others were on my list of places to visit as well. Perfectly compatible. I handed back the phone.

  I looked at Phillip, waiting.

  His gaze moved to the side. "I don't have a list."

  I nodded and cleared my throat. "Thank you for making this decision easy for me."

  He quickly looked back up at me. "That's it? I don't fit your definition of what a goal looks like, so I'm gone?"

  "Jared was honest with me about him returning home between work assignments, you weren't. Jared has done nothing but try to prepare me for what I'd find at his family home, you did nothing to prepare me. Jared has ideas and plans for how our two lives can merge, taking care of both our needs, you don't."

  "Are you honestly able to tell me that you don't love me, after all the time we've spent together?"

  "No, I do love you. But I'm not in love with you." I kept my eyes on Phillip as I said, "Jared, please, stay another week with me."

  Something in Phillip's expression shut off, as though he'd just constructed an emotional Fort Knox around himself.

  Something in Jared's gaze zeroed in on mine and he held his silence.

  I met his gaze and waited.

  "Can you and I talk in private?" Jared asked.

  "Of course." I stepped forward to take him out towards a wooded area, past the production lights, but stopped closer to Phillip and spoke to him first. "Phillip, thank you for coming here and sharing this time with me. You truly did make this experience more rewarding and fulfilling than it ever would have been without you. I'm just sorry that it couldn't work out between us in the end." I then continued on, toward the
back entrance.

  Jared stopped to say his goodbyes to Phillip and followed me out.

  I chuckled to myself as I wondered how Troy was going to handle getting Phillip out of there before we got back. I drew Jared far enough away that prying eyes wouldn't be able to see us and turned to face him, trying to ignore the scrambling camera guy, as he picked a position to angle himself to see both of us.

  "You doubt me?" Jared asked.

  "No, sweetie, I doubted him," I answered. "I used you to call him out on some things."

  "So you and I are fine."

  "Yes, you and I are great."

  "So, where's my little speech about why you'd like me to stay?"

  I smiled. "I want you to stay because you make me melt. You think about me and what would make me happy with everything from what I could do in the business, to where I could have an office, to when we can park somewhere pretty for a month. You truly care about making accommodations for both of us. You are the man with the plan. And you make me feel loved, wanted, and respected. I want it to be you at the end of this. How's that?"

  "Pretty good, actually." He moved in to give me a kiss.

  We returned, Jared took his spot in front of the fireplace, and Troy did his post-decision speech for the cameras.

  I curled up in bed that night with Goldie, both content and nervous. Content in that I'd made the right decision in letting go of Phillip, nervous over whom I'd have to let go of a week from now.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Week Eight - Three Men Left

  Monday Morning

  "Just go ahead and sleep with all three of them," Chloe said.