How To Fall In Love

by Bella Jewel

  “Get up here, kid.”

  Grinning big, I lower the boom box off my shoulder and run towards the front door, dropping it at my feet just outside. A moment later, Rainer swings it open and jerks me into his arms. My tiny body flies up and my feet dangle off the floor as he holds onto me. I finally manage to get my arms around his neck and I hang onto him, so grateful he’s in my life.

  “I’m sorry I was a drama queen,” I murmur.

  He lets me go and stares down at me. “Yeah, me too. I was a dick.”

  “A dick with his heart in the right place.”

  He grins and reaches down, lifting the boom box. “Where’d you get this baby?”

  “Kenny’s dad. He has everything.”

  “Sweet.”

  He kicks the front door closed and I follow him up to his room. I open the door for him, step in and then close and lock it behind him. He puts the boom box down and we both flop down onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling. “So, did you kick Jack the sack to the curb?” he asks.

  “Nah, but I haven’t called him back. I think he’s pissed at me.”

  “Because of me?”

  “Maybe. I guess our friendship is one of those things a lot of people just can’t understand.”

  “Nah, you’re right about that.”

  “Have you seen Missy?”

  He nods. “Yeah. Told her if she ever does something like that again, I’ll cut her fake plastic tits out myself and shove them up her ass.”

  “Rainer!” I laugh. “That’s so mean.”

  “So is her having some giant butch beast punch my best girl in the stomach. That shit is weak, and cowardly, and I have no tolerance for it.”

  “So are you still going to see her?”

  “No, fuck that. Stupid bitch can’t suck cock to save her life anyway.”

  “Rainer,” I scoff. “You’re being a bit nasty.”

  “She deserves it.”

  “What will you do now?” I ask, rolling towards him. “With no one to fuck?”

  His eyes search my face and he shrugs. “I’ve got a hand.”

  I scrunch up my nose. “Ugh, TMI.”

  He grins. “Come on, I’m going bat-shit crazy in this house. Let’s go out.”

  “Where do you want to go?” I ask, sitting up.

  He sits up beside me. “I’ve got a spare bottle of alcohol, and the beach sounds pretty good. You in?”

  I leap up. “You had me at alcohol.”

  He grins.

  Thank God. I have my friend back.

  ~*~*~*~

  “Oh my God!” I snort-laugh, throwing a handful of sand at Rainer’s lap. “You’re such a noodle-head.”

  He laughs deep. “Well you fuckin’ asked, kid.”

  “I didn’t need a graphic description. I’ll never sleep again.”

  He hands the half-empty bottle of whiskey to me, and I take another burning slurp before thrusting it back. We’re sitting on the beach in the dark, laughing and joking about Rainer and Missy’s former sex life. He’s telling me horror stories that make me never want to have sex. Like ever.

  “I never said it was pretty. Her looks are only skin deep, believe me.”

  “Ugh. Now you have me scared. I’ll probably be just the same when I finally get around to stripping down and spreading my legs.”

  He nudges his shoulder into mine. “Don’t talk like that. You’re better than just spreading your legs.”

  “I know, but there’s going to come a time when it’ll happen, Rai.”

  “Yeah, don’t remind me.” He grunts.

  Something swells in my chest, and I’m scared to admit to myself that I like his concern for me. It’s a strange sensation, something I’ve never experienced before. I can’t quite figure out what it means, but every second I spend with Rainer, it seems to get stronger.

  “Why don’t you like the idea of me doing that?”

  “Because . . . I dunno . . . it just seems wrong. Like no man will ever be good enough to be the one.”

  “Well, unless you’re offering to pop my cherry, Rai, then there’s going to be someone to do it.”

  He falls silent.

  I turn, but I can’t see him clearly in the moonlight.

  “Rai?”

  Still nothing.

  “I was kidding, dude.”

  “And if I wanted to?” he finally says, his voice low.

  I laugh. “You don’t want to. That would be awkward.”

  “How do you know I don’t want to?”

  “Because you told me I’m like a sister and you picked my perfect match as Kenny.”

  He snorts. “Yeah, well, then I saw you in that dress.”

  My cheeks burn and I’m thankful he can’t see it. “And told me I looked like a cheap slut.”

  “Because I was pissed, because I didn’t want any other fucker seeing you like that. I never saw you like that, Emy, but then I saw you, really saw you, and fuck . . . you’re beautiful.”

  Something warm explodes in my belly, travelling right to my heart and nestling itself there.

  “That’s not enough of a reason for me to blur the lines of our friendship, Rai.”

  “You think it would do that?” he asks seriously.

  “I honestly don’t know. Kissing you was nice, and it didn’t affect anything between us, but sex . . . it’s a bond, a connection, it’s trust . . .”

  “You think we don’t have those things?”

  “We have all of them, but we’re not even attracted to each other. Don’t you think that would matter?”

  “You’re beautiful. Why does there need to be more to it?”

  He thinks I’m beautiful. I love that more than I ever expected and that scares me.

  “Because we have more than most people. We have a bond and a friendship. If we risked it, or things went bad, I’d never forgive myself.”

  “Or maybe you’re just scared of letting me in that far.”

  I flinch beside him. I am scared. Scared that if I let the boundaries of friendship get pushed, that I’ll realize I care about Rainer more than I’m willing to admit. And I have a big fear that there’s an emotion for him that I’m pushing down, because I’m scared of what it’ll mean.

  “You don’t love me, Rai.”

  “Love you fuckin’ more than Jack the sack.”

  “And that’s exactly what makes it different. With him, I could move on if it went bad . . . with you . . . it’d kill me.”

  “I hear you, kid. Believe me, I do. I don’t want to ruin what we have here either, but . . . I dunno, it almost seems like the logical thing to do, because we trust each other.”

  I reach over and take his hand. “You know, I have no doubt it would be amazing. I know you respect me enough to give me that, but Rai, I love you too much to risk it going bad, or worse . . .”

  “Going good,” he says, his voice low.

  “Yeah,” I admit.

  “You scared you’d fall in love with me?”

  I squeeze his hand. “I honestly don’t know. I already love you, Rainer, but if romance was involved, I don’t know how quickly I’d cross from loving you like a friend, to loving you as something more. You have a place in my heart—a damned big one.”

  “I get that, because it’s the same for me.”

  “Sometimes I wish we weren’t friends. I wish we had met and fell in love before ever getting to know each other.”

  He chuckles. “So you could fuck me?”

  I laugh. “No, so I could have you like that. Now, I can’t have you like that, and I don’t even know if I want to. I cherish this friendship. I cherish you. Besides, you’d drive me crazy . . .”

  “Ha!” he snorts. “I think that would be the other way around. You’re a fuckin’ pain in my ass at times, woman.”

  “But you love me.” I grin, nestling into him.

  He throws an arm around my shoulder. “Fuck yeah, I do. You mean more to me than any person in my life.”

  “You wanna know somet
hing?”

  He squeezes me to let me know he does.

  “You said you were scared of losing me to a man. Well, I have to admit that I’m terrified of the day you fall in love, Rainer Torrence. Because my life without you terrifies me.”

  “That’ll never happen.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Any woman I ever fell for would have to accept your part in my life.”

  “But it’d never be the same. We’d never do what we do now.”

  “But we’d be friends, and that’s all I’ll ever need from you.”

  “You say that now because you haven’t fallen in love yet, but when you do, she’s going to be the only thing you’ll see.”

  He squeezes my shoulders. “You’re wrong, kid.”

  “Maybe.”

  We both fall silent.

  “Rainer?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “If it doesn’t happen, or I don’t find the right man, I will let it be you. I will give you that piece of me. I swear it.”

  “All right, kid.”

  I smile.

  Because a part of me really hopes I don’t find a lover, because now the thought is planted in my mind, and I can’t stop wondering what it would be like to make love to Rainer.

  I think I might have just crossed the friendship line without even knowing it.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  NOW – MALI

  He stayed the night.

  I stand, staring down at the sleeping man in my bed, and I’m shocked. I expected him to leave, I expected the conversation to get awkward, but it didn’t. He fell asleep beside me and we stayed that way the entire night. I don’t think this is something he does a lot, and I’m not sure if I should be reading more into it. Hell, maybe he was exhausted and didn’t even realize he fell asleep.

  Either way, I get dressed and rush out of the room. I need coffee and Mimi, stat.

  I reach the kitchen and hear Mimi singing to herself. Thank God she’s here. When she hears my approach, she spins around and her eyes go wide. Then she charges towards me, finger in the air, face furious. “Woman, you and I are going to have a talk right now!”

  “Shhh,” I say, putting my hands together in a pleading way. “He’s still asleep.”

  Her eyes get bigger. “He slept over! Oh my God!”

  “I know,” I say, stepping past her and stealing her cup of coffee. She doesn’t seem worried and pours herself another one.

  “What the hell are you doing, Mali?” she asks, standing beside me. “This is a dangerous game.”

  I sigh. “I know it is, but I can’t stop . . . He has my name tattooed on him, Mimi.”

  “He does?” she gasps.

  I peek over my shoulder to make sure he hasn’t come into the room. “Yes,” I whisper. “He said he can’t remember much—he just knows I was important to him.”

  “So you told him?”

  “No, but I asked him about the name.”

  “Emalie, you need to tell him.”

  I shift. “I . . . I just . . . he’s in love with another woman.”

  Her eyes grow sad. “Oh no.”

  “Yeah, and she’s taken. He looked at her . . . God . . . with such love. I’m terrified if I tell him who I am now, he’ll leave and . . .”

  Mimi steps forward and places a hand on either side of my shoulders. “You won’t know unless you tell him.”

  “I just can’t.”

  “So what are you going to do? Keep pretending you’re some stranger? What if he starts to care about you, or falls for you, then what are you going to do?”

  “That won’t happen.”

  “He stayed the night,” she hisses.

  “Yeah, that still doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Mali, you have to stop this. You’re digging a bigger hole and soon you’ll sink in it. Tell him who you are.”

  I should, God, I know I should but . . . I just . . . I can’t. I need to know what happened in his life; I need to figure it all out so I know the best way to approach that.

  “I will, I swear. Just not right now. I need a few more weeks.”

  “You’re playing with fire,” she warns.

  “Yeah, I know that.”

  She sighs and we both stand in silence a while. A knock sounds at the door, and I give her a curious look. “Who the hell would that be?”

  She shrugs. “You get it, I have no pants on.”

  I stare down and realize she doesn’t have pants on, just a pair of panties with a long man-sized shirt. A shirt I don’t recognize. I scrunch my face up and point to it. “We’re going to discuss where that shirt came from.”

  She grins.

  I turn and walk over to the door, opening it. Who I see is not who I expected to see, and my eyes grow wide with shock. Pippa is standing at the door, with a giant, hot biker behind her. My mouth drops open. I’m guessing the russet-haired man is Tyke, but damn, I never expected him to look like that. He’s hot. I run a nervous hand through my hair, knowing it probably looks as if I’ve been having a good deal of sex.

  “Ah, Pippa, hey.”

  “Hey Mali. I just wanted to come by and see if you were okay. You were sick last night.”

  Shit. I forgot I gave them all my address before we left last night, so they could pop over any time. That doesn’t seem like the best choice right now.

  “Yeah, I’m feeling much better. Thanks.”

  “I’m sorry to intrude, but I just wanted to know if you’ve heard from Rainer. I know he dropped you home last night, but I’ve tried to call him a number of times with no answer. I’m worried he might be hurt.”

  Oh. Man.

  I can’t lie to her, but at the same time if I tell her Rainer is here, she’ll know I lied last night. Crap.

  “Ah . . .”

  “Pippa?”

  I flinch at the sound of Rainer’s husky, sleep-filled voice. Oh shit. Dammit. He picked the worst time to show up. I see Pippa’s look of surprise, and then a flash of jealousy crosses her features. Her eyes flick to me, then back to Rainer, and I turn to see him standing, wearing the shorts he had on last night and nothing else. That’s because he has nothing else with him.

  “Rainer?” Pippa says, her voice shocked and a little pained. “What are you doing here?”

  Rainer’s eyes move to me, then back to her. “I stayed the night. I was tired and Mali was good enough to let me stay on the couch instead of having to driving home.”

  Oh My God. He’s lying to her. He is openly lying, even though he knows I could call him out on it. My heart explodes with pain, unlike any I’ve ever felt. He’s ashamed to admit he slept with me. He’s ashamed of me. I meet his eyes, and I can almost see him pleading with me to agree with him. It hurts so badly, and I know he can see it. I know he can.

  I turn and look back at Pippa, forcing a smile. “Yeah. Sorry we didn’t let you know.”

  She smiles. “I’m glad he didn’t drive home. I was worried he’d been hurt after that fight.”

  “I’m fine, sweetheart,” Rainer says and nods at Tyke, who has been silent through it all. “Tyke.”

  “Rainer. Good to see you.”

  “Oh, how rude of me. Mali, this is my boyfriend, Tyke.”

  Tyke smiles at me and I have to force mine to look real in return. He extends a hand and I take it, shaking. He’s a big man, not like Rainer but enough that his hand curls around mine, swallowing it. “Good to meet you, Mali.”

  “You too. Anyway, I have to get to work, so maybe we can catch up another time?” I say to Pippa.

  Her face lights up. “I’d love that. Maybe I can pop in for a coffee this afternoon?”

  I nod, flashing her a real smile. “That’d be great.”

  I turn and walk past Rainer, refusing to look at him. Mimi gives me a pained expression, one that tells me she knows exactly how that felt. I force a smile but it wobbles and she reaches out, as if she wants to pull me into her arms, but quickly drops her hand.

  “I’ll just say goodbye,”
Rainer says to Pippa. “Then I’m all yours, beautiful.”

  “Should we go for breakfast?” she asks him. “Tyke has to go back to the club.”

  “Yeah,” Tyke grunts. “Take her out. She’s tearing the walls down at home.”

  Rainer chuckles. “I’ll do that. Wait for me outside.”

  I rush up the stairs, hoping to get to my room and lock the door before Rainer gets to me, but he manages to catch up just as I reach my bedroom.

  “Mali.”

  I freeze, my hand on the knob, pain and agony ripping through me.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt her.”

  Hurt her? She is with another fucking man.

  “Get out, Rainer,” I say, twisting the knob.

  “Fuck it, Mali, don’t be pissed at me.”

  I spin. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

  “You said this was casual,” he says, his voice low and almost gentle.

  “Casual, yes, but I never expected you to make me feel so fucking worthless. Is it really so horrible to admit you slept with me? Am I really that fucking awful?”

  “Jesus, no.”

  “Let me guess—you didn’t want poor Pippa to hurt. Did you fucking ever stop and think that I might be hurt?” I scream. “Oh wait, no, of course not. I’m just a cheap fuck, right? You know, if you’re so worried about what she’ll think, you should consider keeping your dick in your pants.”

  “Mali . . .”

  “No,” I say, pushing the door open. “I’ve known a lot of people in my life, but not one of them has ever made me feel as worthless as you just did. Get out of my fucking house, Rainer.”

  Then I step in and slam the door, but not before I burst into a fit of pathetic tears.

  ~*~*~*~

  Work is slow, and I know it’s because my heart is aching. I should have expected it. Rainer told me from the start he didn’t do connections, but stupid me went ahead and assumed he would respect me enough to not make me feel like a cheap lay. Mimi tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t do it. I got dressed and rushed out of the house, broken-hearted and defeated.

  “Mali, order up,” my boss, Jake, yells.

  “On it,” I yell back.

  I walk over, take the coffee and serve them to the young couple smiling dreamily at each other. Vomit.

  “Mali, hey.”

  I flinch at the sound of Pippa’s voice and turn to see her standing, smiling at me. God damn her perfection. Why can’t I be more like her? So pure. So beautiful. My heart aches, but I smile, because she’s a sweet, amazing girl, and it’s not her fault Rainer is doing what he’s doing.