Eternal Detention

by Jamie Thomson

  ‘What? What is it?’ Dirk said, confusion written all over his face, as he heaved himself to his feet.

  Chris looked over at Dirk, his face full of fear and horror at what he’d done. He stepped back… ‘Essence of Evil, Dirk,’ he said. ‘Essence of Evil!’

  Sooz let the flask fall from her nerveless fingers to clatter on the stony cavern floor. Her eyes rolled up, showing only the whites. Her head began to shake and shiver, until her features started to blur.

  Chris put a hand up to his face. ‘No, no, no,’ he kept saying. Dirk stepped back, a mixture of horror and fascination on his face.

  Sooz’s arms were jerking about, crooked and broken-looking. Her legs began to lengthen. She began to grow…

  Suddenly, she was engulfed in a cloud of black smoke that seemed to come out of nowhere. It roiled and bubbled, shot through with crimson streaks before seeming to suddenly disappear into her.

  Leaving a new Sooz…

  She stood tall, nearly as tall as Gargon. Her old clothes had morphed and been re-stitched into a full black bodysuit under a massive cloak of blood red velvet with a bat-wing collar of glossy black. She still wore her chunky Goth boots but somehow the Essence of Evil had made them bigger than ever.

  She stared down at Chris and Dirk, her skin pale as ivory, her nails black and glossy, her hair long and black with streaks of white, a tiara of jagged, ruby-studded silver on her head. Her eyes were red. Completely red, even the whites. Two white fangs protruded over her crimson lips…

  Dirk’s jaw dropped. ‘Sooz, the Vampire Queen!’ he said in awed tones.

  Chris reached for his satchel.

  ‘Don’t you dare use that crystal, boy!’ said Sooz in rich tones like chocolate. Chocolate and death, that is.

  She stepped closer to Chris, who had frozen in place, his face a mask of fear.

  Sooz reached a hand out towards him, as if she were going to seize him up and drink his blood. But then she paused.

  ‘Christopher,’ she said. ‘Put the satchel down, there’s a good boy. Don’t make me…eat you.’

  Chris dropped the satchel, terrified. Sooz turned to Dirk. He was staring at her.

  ‘You are awesome, Sooz, awesome!’ he said.

  Sooz smiled, revealing perfect white teeth and fangs.

  ‘Of course you’d become a Vampire, what else?’ said Dirk.

  Sooz nodded. ‘It is rather cool,’ she said.

  ‘OK, my sweet little Vampire,’ said Dirk. ‘You know what happened with me last time I was the Dark Lord – it’ll happen to you too. I can’t allow you to harm Chris. Or me, for that matter. I think all in all it is best that you let Chris use the crystal, we all return home, and you will be changed back into the real, nice, kind Sooz that we all love.’

  With that, he raised his Ring and pointed it at Sooz.

  Sooz raised an eyebrow. And then leaned forward, her face transformed into angry malice.

  ‘You would never dare! Blast me with the Ring then, go on, do it, little boy!’ she hissed.

  Dirk blinked up at her. She was right, he couldn’t…not to Sooz. And she was magnificent as a Vampire, magnificent!

  ‘You see, Dirk, I know you now, I know what it all means! Without this power, this greatness, this Essence of Wonder, we are weak! Wretched and pitiful, hobbled by conscience and dogooding foolishness!’

  Dirk shook his head, ‘No, no, that’s not you talking, it’s…’

  ‘Silence, child!’ shrieked Sooz into his face. ‘Now, give me the Ring. Immediately!’

  Dirk put his hand behind his back and stepped away.

  ‘Never,’ he said.

  ‘Don’t do this, Sooz,’ said Chris.

  Sooz waved a pale hand dismissively.

  ‘Give me the Ring, Dirk, or use it. Your choice,’ she said silkily.

  ‘I…I can’t,’ said Dirk.

  Suddenly, with an inarticulate cry of rage, Sooz stepped forward and grabbed Dirk roughly. She pulled his arm up to her face with the irresistible strength of the vampire, grabbed the Ring and brutally yanked it off his finger, tearing the skin.

  Dirk gasped in pain.

  Sooz stared at the small trickle of blood on Dirk’s finger, her face full of Vampire madness.

  But then she seemed to pull herself together. She stepped back, shaking her head as if to clear it. Dirk sank to his knees, grimacing in pain.

  ‘I’m…sorry, Dirk,’ said Sooz. ‘I just lost control!’ She stepped forward as if to comfort him, but Chris put a hand out.

  ‘Back, Vampire!’ he said. ‘Before you do something worse!’

  A red tear appeared at the corner of Sooz’s eye. ‘I didn’t mean… I don’t know what came over me, it was… I’m sorry!’

  The tear trickled down one cheek, leaving a tiny river of blood down the side of her face. But then Sooz noticed the Great Ring of Power in her hand, and her guilt was forgotten.

  ‘Well, it’s only a scratch,’ she said. ‘I’m sure you’ll get over it!’

  Sooz put the Ring on. Immediately she took on an aura of even greater infernal magnificence, radiating power and strength. But also evil. A terrible and hungry evil.

  ‘This is brill!’ she said. ‘With this Ring I shall be the greatest of all the Queens of the Darklands. Goodbye Moon Queen, hello Queen of Vampires!’

  The Ring glowed and coruscated with energy as if it were pleased to be on her hand.

  ‘Good to have you back again,’ said Sooz to the Ring. ‘But this time…well…we shall see. I’m going to have so much fun!’

  The Vampire Queen turned, her crimson robe swirling, her pale face and ruby lips lit up with the reddish glow of hot lava. At her feet, two children huddled, staring up at her fearfully.

  Sooz looked down at them and smiled. ‘My little pets…or perhaps sweet little snacks?’

  But then she frowned. ‘Maybe it is best you two return to Earth before I do something I will regret… I will rule here now on my own.’

  ‘What about the tear?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Ah yes, of course,’ said Sooz. ‘Hmm, I think I can sort that out for you!’

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Chris.

  ‘I’ll find the Black Hag, force her to give up a tear or die, give it you. Simples!’ said the Vampire Queen. ‘I mean – the Black Hag vs Sooz the Vampire Queen with the Great Ring? Who’s gonna win?’

  ‘Right,’ said Dirk.

  ‘Back in a jiffy,’ said Sooz. She turned away in a crimson swirl, heading towards the door at the far end of the cavern. Dirk and Chris watched her go. She suddenly shot forward with blinding, inhuman speed, leaving a trail of wispy darkness in the air behind her.

  When she was out of earshot, Dirk rounded on Chris.

  ‘What the Nine Hells were you doing? You tried to make me drink the Essence! I mean, why, for goodness’s sake, why?’

  Chris put his head in his hands. ‘I’m sorry, Dirk. I… I wanted you to drink it, I admit it.’

  ‘But why – you’re my…my brother! Why’d you do that to me, you knew I didn’t want to be that kind of Dark Lord any more!’

  Chris stared at him. ‘Well… I wanted…partly it was a last-ditch thing. You know, so that you’d be the Dark Lord, the real thing. You’d be able to beat the Black Hag easily.’

  ‘Ah, I see! And then…you’d use the crystal, get us all back? I’d turn back into me? Not a bad plan, actually. Risky, though, you know what I’d be like as the Dark Lord and I’d have known you had a crystal!’ said Dirk.

  Chris stared at the floor. Almost imperceptibly he shook his head.

  Dirk raised a puzzled eyebrow. ‘What?’ said Dirk. ‘What then?’

  ‘I was going to use the crystal, but just for me and Sooz…’

  Dirk gasped. ‘And leave me here in the Darklands!’

  ‘Yes,’ said Chris. ‘In your rightful place, as the ruler, where you belong. Leaving me and Sooz as we used to be, back home, just ordinary people, together. Without you telling me what to do, making me feel small,
using me!’

  Dirk stared in open-mouthed amazement. ‘I can’t believe it!’ was all he could say.

  ‘What do you expect! You treat me like your servant. You think I’m worthless,’ said Chris.

  ‘No, no, not worthless, just…’

  ‘Shut up and listen for once! You come to our home – my home – and cause trouble. You hid a Goblin in the cupboard. A Goblin! You upset my mum and my dad – ruined my mum’s contact lenses, made her see weird stuff, and you made her faint! You got me blamed for stealing a cake. You put a Goblin axe in the headmaster’s study – nearly got us all arrested. And that’s just in the past few days! Then there’s the psycho nanny who came into the house because of you and cast a spell on my parents. You burned down the cricket pavilion, we nearly got expelled. That White Beast thing nearly ripped me up, and then I was almost sacrificed on an altar by Skirrits, because of you. And I had to wear pink underpants with hearts on, not to mention that stinking stuff they covered me in. And then after that you cut my face, leaving a scar for ever, and locked me in a dungeon. And now, I’m in a cave with a poisonous Hag and my best friend is a Vampire!’

  Dirk put a hand up to his chin. ‘Well, when you put it like that…’ he said.

  Suddenly there was a crash like thunder from up ahead.

  ‘The Ring!’ said Dirk.

  There was a loud shriek, and another crash. What was going on? Was Sooz all right?

  And then laughter. Not the witchy cackling of the Hag, but a rich bell-like laugh, resonant with evil.

  ‘Heh, heh, heh!’ it went, echoing around the Caverns.

  ‘Sooz’s version of “Mwah, hah, hah”, I think,’ said Chris.

  ‘Sounds like it,’ said Dirk. He turned to Chris suddenly. ‘You’re right, Chris. I haven’t treated you well. And I have caused you a lot of grief and suffering. I’m sorry.’

  Chris looked at him. He sighed a heavy sigh. ‘It’s OK, Dirk, I know you didn’t mean to do all that. It’s just…what you do, I guess.’

  ‘So I’m forgiven then?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, and I’m sorry I pulled the trick with the…hold on a minute!’ said a surprised Chris. ‘You just apologised. Dark Lords never apologise!’

  Dirk looked away. ‘Bah, I’m not the Dark Lord I once was, I suppose. And anyway, you have to say sorry to your friends sometimes, right? Especially your brother!’

  Chris smiled at him. It felt good to hear Dirk say those words.

  ‘Yeah, bro,’ he said, putting a hand on Dirk’s shoulder. ‘Anyway, how’s the finger?’

  ‘Hurts a bit, but Sooz is right. It’s only a scratch.’

  Chris raised an eyebrow. ‘You evil overlord types are weird,’ he said.

  ‘Here she comes,’ said Dirk, nodding towards the far end of the Cavern. Striding towards them came the Vampire Queen, wreathed in crimson, every now and then flickering forwards like a flashing blade.

  ‘Give me the crystal!’ said Dirk. ‘She thinks you’ve got it, but maybe I can get close enough to use it.’

  Chris nodded, and handed it over. But then he said, ‘What if she keeps me away or something. What if I don’t get caught in the crystal? I’ll be stuck here with the Hag!’

  ‘Good point,’ said Dirk. ‘If that happens, when the time comes I’ll shout, “NOW!” When you hear that, run in as fast as you can. I’ll make sure the crystal gets all of us.’

  Sooz came up, with a fanged grin on her face. In one hand she held a bottle, small but stout, and some torn-up tattered black lace in the other. She stood some distance away, just out of crystal range.

  She held up the bottle.

  ‘Here’s the tear, my dear!’ she said.

  ‘Is the Hag dead?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Oh no, she’s far too pretty to kill. Not to mention useful!’ said Sooz. ‘No, we came to…an agreement.’

  ‘So, can I have the tear,’ said Dirk, taking a step forward.

  ‘Stay where you are!’ barked the Vampire Queen. ‘I know you’ve got that crystal, and you’ll be planning to use it, trying to “save me from myself” or some such meddling nonsense!’

  ‘Chris has the crystal,’ said Dirk.

  ‘Sue me for not taking your word on that, little Dirkikins!’ said Sooz.

  ‘Don’t call me that!’ said Dirk.

  Sooz laughed. ‘In fact, step away from each other. Go on, Chris, at least ten feet apart, behind Dirk as far as you can get from me. No crystal trickery here!’

  Dirk nodded at Chris. They moved apart. Not quite ten feet, but almost.

  ‘There you are, Dirkikins. I got several tears, more than enough, I would think,’ said Sooz, as she tossed over the bottle. It clattered at Dirk’s feet. Dirk reached down and picked it up.

  ‘Now,’ continued Sooz, ‘go and join Chris, use the crystal and get out of here before I change my mind, take you back to the Iron Tower and lock you in the Dungeons of Doom, just like you did to me.’

  Dirk put his hands on his hips. ‘All very well, but how are you going to get out of here? You’re as big as Rufino now!’ he said.

  ‘Oh please, don’t you think I’ve thought of that? The Black Hag – in return for her life – showed me a different way out. The whole mountain is riddled with secret passages.’

  ‘And you trusted her?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Oh yes – she knows perfectly well that if she’s lying I could drain her dry in a second – in this form, I’m much, much faster than she is, and Vampires are immune to poison,’ said Sooz.

  Dirk looked at her. Nobody spoke.

  After a few moments, Sooz said, ‘Face it, Dirk, you have to go home, and I’ll stay here. Hey, look on the bright side! You’ve got a chance with the tears of the Lady Grieve. If you can’t pull it off, I’ll be raising an army of Orcs and Goblins, anyway, and invading the Commonwealth. Hasdruban will have to come back to defend his lands. Then I’ll defeat him and drink his blood, probably.’

  Dirk and Chris exchanged glances, their faces pale. It was really awful to hear Sooz speak like this.

  ‘What about Rufino?’ said Dirk.

  Sooz frowned. ‘Rufino…’ she muttered.

  ‘You can’t kill him!’ said Chris.

  ‘No, no, I can’t do that. No, I’ll probably exile him or something,’ said Sooz.

  Chris and Dirk stared up at the Vampire Queen.

  ‘So this is it?’ said Chris. ‘After all we’ve been through, we’re just going to split up?’

  ‘Yup. It’s better this way. You know what happened with Dirk when he was the Dark Lord? Same thing’s going to happen to me, it’s inevitable.’

  ‘But, but…’ said Chris.

  ‘Don’t worry about me! I’ve always wanted to be a Vampire, haven’t I?’ said Sooz.

  ‘Yeah, but not a proper one, not like this…’ said Chris.

  Sooz shrugged, the batwing collar of her Vampire cloak rising and falling.

  ‘Well, so be it. Come on over, Chris, use the crystal on us both,’ Dirk said, beckoning to Chris.

  Chris stood there confused. Dirk had the crystal…

  ‘Come on, you idiot, we haven’t got all day, we might as well head back – no point wasting time with Sooz any more, right?’

  Chris took an uncertain step forward, not sure what Dirk’s plan was.

  ‘Stay where you are, Chris, Dirk should be going to you!’ said Sooz, her voice commanding him in an almost hypnotic way.

  Chris froze, as if he’d been enchanted. But now he understood. Dirk had tricked Sooz into thinking Chris had the crystal. Clever…

  Meanwhile, Sooz put her hands on her hips, and stamped a heavily booted foot into the cavern floor, raising up a small cloud of dust.

  ‘And anyway, what do you mean, “wasting time with Sooz”! Is that what you really think, Dirk, you nasty little…boy!’ she said getting more and more angry.

  ‘Well, you want to be Vampire Queen, fine. No skin off my nose, won’t kiss you or miss you,’ he said.

  Sooz’s
eyes widened with rage. ‘You won’t… oooh, you…’ She stepped a little closer, her hands balled into fists, her eyes glowing with rage. ‘You won’t miss me when you’re dead either!’

  ‘You wouldn’t kill me,’ said Dirk. ‘After all, you love me too much, don’t you?’

  ‘What!’ said Sooz, stepping even closer. ‘Why would I love…’ But then her voice faltered, different emotions warring for control – good and evil, love and…well, general Vampire stuff.

  Dirk looked up at her. ‘Actually, I would miss you,’ he said, his eyes filling up with water. ‘You see, Sooz, I love you.’

  Sooz’s jaw dropped and then she seemed to light up. All right, she lit up with a reddish, pale, ghostly vampiric glow, but still, it was light. She beamed a great, fanged smile.

  ‘Oh, Dirk,’ she said, stepping up to him, ‘I love you too!’

  ‘NOW, Chris, now!’ said Dirk, as he drew out the crystal, ready to throw it at their feet.

  Chris, whose heart had just been pierced by a dagger of jealousy at the exchange of love vows between Dirk and Sooz, was a little slow off the mark. Nevertheless, he dived forward, but Dirk was still forced to delay hurling the crystal to the floor.

  And that gave Sooz time to act. She was fast, Vampire fast. ‘You tricked me!’ she yelled, a high-pitched Vampire shriek. She grabbed his wrist and ripped the crystal right out of his hand. Holding the crystal in one hand, she grabbed Dirk with the other and stuck her face in his.

  ‘I’m going to kill you!’ she hissed, baring her fangs and spraying Dirk’s face with Vampire saliva.

  Dirk spoke fast and desperately. ‘I did it for you! Because I love you, because I wanted to save you!’

  Sooz blinked at him for a moment, half convinced. Dirk wiped the saliva off his face and then narrowed his eyes – he’d just had an idea.

  Suddenly he leaned forward and kissed Sooz. Her eyes widened in surprise.

  Sooz began to struggle, trying to break free from the kiss. Something strange began to happen. Sooz, the Vampire Queen, stronger, faster, deadlier than Dirk, couldn’t break free. Some force was holding her in place, and it wasn’t Dirk.