Can't Go Back

by Marie Meyer

  Erin looked at me in confusion. “Wednesday, why?”

  I shook my head. “No, what’s the date?”

  “September eleventh,” she answered.

  Fuck me. “Shit. I forgot to call Jillian.”

  Erin’s eyes pinched together, darkening her expression just a little. I could tell she was annoyed by my declaration. Erin didn’t know how to interpret my relationship with Jillian, even though I’d told her repeatedly that we were just friends.

  “I’m sure she’s not waiting by the phone, Griffin,” she said. “Call her tomorrow.”

  I bit my tongue, trying hard not to get angry. Erin didn’t understand. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t know that today was the anniversary of Jillian’s parents’ death.

  And I was absolutely certain Jillian was waiting for my call.

  Chapter Seven

  Hey guys, give me two minutes. I have to call Jillian.” I was the worst friend in the world…of all days not to make calling her a priority.

  “Dude, we’re ready to go on. Call her later,” Thor chided.

  Erin kissed my cheek and said, “I’ll see you after the show.” She turned around and shrugged her shoulders, giving Thor an apologetic look. “Good luck.”

  I watched her walk away, trying to remind myself it wasn’t her fault she didn’t know, that I shouldn’t be angry with her.

  Once Erin was gone, I gave Thor a don’t-fuck-with-me look; after all, he did know. “I have to call her. You know what today is.” His expression turned somber and he nodded. “I have to hear her voice before I can go on. I have to make sure she’s OK.”

  I pulled my phone from my back pocket and touched the screen by her name. The guys busied themselves while I listened to Jillian’s phone ring. I lifted a bottle of water from the cooler sitting against the wall and pulled the cap off, taking a long drink. Why isn’t she answering?

  After three rings Jillian’s voice filled the line. “You buy a helmet yet?” she shouted, her end of the line just as noisy as mine.

  Aw, shit! With everything going on, I’d completely forgotten. If she knew, she’d leave school just to come home and kick my ass for not buying one yet. Honestly, I didn’t want a helmet. I liked the sound of the wind, the rush of open air blowing over me as I rode. But I understood why she was so insistent. With all the loss she’d endured over the years, it was her way of keeping me safe. I couldn’t fault her for that. I’d spent so many years trying to do the same thing for her.

  “Hello to you, too,” I admonished playfully, trying to redirect her question. I didn’t have time to argue about a helmet right now. “Where the hell are you?”

  “Hi, Griffin,” she replied sweetly this time. The noise dissipated, and I could hear her clearly now. “Thanks for saving me. Even eleven hundred miles away, your timing is impeccable.”

  Impeccable my ass. My timing sucked. I should have called first thing that morning. But I did wonder what I was supposedly saving her from.

  I set the water bottle on a small table, my insides knotting due to her comment. “Where are you? Saving you from what?” I hated being this far away from her; nothing about it was right or natural. I needed her near me as much as I hoped she needed me.

  “My roommate, Sarah, talked me into going to the Phi Psi party tonight. I’m here now,” she sighed.

  Damn it all to hell. What was she doing at a frat party? “Be careful, Jillibean, fucking frat boys can’t be trusted.”

  “Don’t worry, I will.”

  “How are you?” I asked, trying to calm my nerves. I needed her to tell me she was all right. I prayed no one hurt her, today of all days.

  “I’m OK.” Her answer was quiet. I could hear the sadness in her voice. “But I’m not going to lie, it completely sucked ass having to start classes today.”

  My heart pinched at the palpable grief in her voice. “I’m sorry, Bean. I wish I could be there with you, but I know how strong you are. You’re going to do great.”

  “I appreciate the vote of confidence.” She sighed.

  I needed to turn this conversation around. She needed to know how amazing she was. “Damn right I have confidence in you. You’re the strongest person I know.”

  “Thanks, Griff,” she replied.

  “I don’t need thanks for telling the truth,” I said. “Are you alone? Where’s Sarah?” Thor gestured for me to speed things up. The guys were ready to go on. I wanted to tell her about Leo Dane and our meeting tomorrow, but I didn’t have time. Besides, she needed me right now. I had to be there for her.

  “She’s off somewhere with her boyfriend. Did you start classes today?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I had one. The guys and I spent the rest of the day rehearsing.” I nodded to Thor and held up one finger. I just needed a minute.

  “Do you have a show tonight?” she asked quietly.

  “Yeah, but I wanted to call you before we went on.”

  “I miss you, Griff,” she said. The pinch in the middle of my chest, right beneath the tattoo of her name, grew even tighter. I missed her so goddamned much.

  “I miss you, too.” I could barely get the words out, but I managed. “I may not be physically there, but I’m still with you, Bean.”

  Adam was already at his drum kit and my attention shifted to the steady beat of his kick drum.

  “Promise?” Jillian said quietly.

  Thor put my bass in my empty hand and mouthed, “Let’s go.”

  “I’m sorry, Bean, I’ve got to go.” Thor was practically pushing me toward the pseudo-stage.

  “That’s OK. Knock ’em dead.” Even through her sadness, she found it in her to cheer me on, the way she always did. If it hadn’t been for her confidence in me and my music, I would have given up a long time ago. Damn, I missed her.

  “Be careful, Jillibean. I mean it,” I said.

  Thor was still at my side, getting more pissed by the minute.

  “I will. I promise. Bye, Griff.”

  “Bye, Bean.” I clicked my phone off and slipped it back into my pocket.

  Thor walked toward the stage, ready to add his guitar melody to Adam’s drumbeat. “Jesus, Griff,” was all he said.

  I followed Thor onto the stage and over to the mic, cracking my knuckles before I laid my fingers on the strings. I opened my mouth and sang the first word of our opener, “Forever.” It was then that I realized that I hadn’t said “forever” to Jillian. Now I was officially the worst best friend ever.

  How could I’ve forgotten to answer her? It was our “thing.” It had been our thing since the day she came to live with her grandparents—the day I told her that I would always be there for her. She’d been a petrified six-year-old, silently begging for a small sliver of hope to cling to after she’d lost her whole world. Even at nine years old, I knew what she wanted, and always wondered why the adults could never figure it out. I promised I’d always be there for her…forever.

  We were just two kids, sitting in the back of her grandfather’s station wagon on that dark, stormy day twelve years before, when I promised I’d always make her smile…and I meant every word.

  The words of the song came from my lips and my hands played the notes, but it was all muscle memory, my mind was eleven hundred miles away, with Jillian. It was a good thing that Adam, Thor, Pauly, and I were so used to playing with each other, years of practice having made us a well-oiled machine.

  I knew what Jillian was thinking right then. I could feel her disappointment like a second skin. Of all the days not to give her the comforting reply she’d grown accustomed to hearing from me. I hated myself right about now. I had to fix this.

  The lyrics I’d written so long ago—that I sang with practiced stage presence now—made the guilt in my stomach curdle. Nausea ate me with each line.

  Forever wipe the tears away and pocket your sadness for another day.

  I’ll make you smile, just wait and see. Hide your pain inside of me.

  Keep it there. Hidden away.

 
; Never to see the light of day.

  Forever is a long way away.

  I sang each line and by the end of the song, I was numb. I silenced my instrument and Thor and Pauly did the same, it was Adam who kept the song alive for a few more beats, his drum the heartbeat.

  When he pounded the tom one last time, the crowd erupted into applause. Whistles and squeals traveled from the partygoers, but I couldn’t enjoy their appreciation. My stomach was twisted in knots. The euphoria I usually felt onstage was gone, replaced by disquiet and tension. The last thing I wanted to do was let Jillian down. My mind was solely focused on Jillian and sending her a one-word text.

  The guys and I smiled and nodded our heads in gratitude. As front man, I had to engage the crowd and make them feel important. I was the mouthpiece of our group.

  My mind worked double time, trying to figure out a way I could incorporate a text to Jillian into our show. If I deviated from our set, the guys would not be happy with me, but what choice did I have?

  I turned to Thor and said, “They liked that one.”

  He nodded and smiled, thrown by my off-the-rails improv. But he went along with it. “We have a hot crowd tonight, Griff,” he said, laying down a distorted sound on his guitar.

  The small crowd went wild.

  Now that Thor was playing along, I took my chances. “What do you say we have a little fun, guys?” I addressed the crowd and my bandmates, pulling more applause from the crowd with my hand gestures.

  “What’d ya have in mind?” Thor asked, smiling.

  I turned to the crowd and said, “Tonight’s a good night and I’m feeling generous.”

  The assembly erupted into cheers and whoops.

  “I’d like to host a contest. How many of you follow us on Instagram?” I asked.

  Again, everyone hollered.

  “Fuck yeah!” I shouted, punching my fist in the air, eliciting more exuberance from them. Adam started in on the kick drum.

  I reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone, holding it up to the mass of college students before me. Adam sped up the beat, getting the crowd more amped. “We want to see your pics from the show,” I said. “Use the hashtag Mine Shaft.”

  I looked at my phone and pretended to open my Instagram app, but instead I opened my text messages. I quickly found Jillian’s name and typed her word, “Forever,” and hit “Send” before anyone was the wiser.

  Adam changed up his beat and segued into the rhythm of the next song on our set. Thor also quietly added his guitar riff, looping it to give me a few more minutes to wrap up my bogus contest. When Pauly got in the mix, I knew it was their subtle way of telling me it was time to move on.

  I joined with the trio, adding the bottom to the song before I spoke. “We’ll randomly choose a photo from tonight’s concert. The winner will receive my undivided attention.” I spoke in a throaty voice. As suspected, a few females couldn’t contain themselves and answered my practiced bedroom voice with catcalls. “Oh, that’s not all,” I teased. “Along with my undivided attention, I will give the winner bass lessons for one week,” I shouted.

  The crowd erupted and we took that as our cue to rip into the next song on our list.

  This time I fell into the song the way I usually did. I let the music speak for me, bleeding my heart and soul into each note I played and each syllable I sang. The party was in full swing now and I loved every minute I was on stage. With any luck, Leo Dane was going to change our lives tomorrow and I couldn’t wait.

  Chapter Eight

  Hey, you!” Adam shouted from behind the drum kit.

  What the fuck is he doing? We’re in the middle of a song. I turned around and gave him my best pissed face, turned back to the mic, and continued singing.

  I scream into the void, swallowed up whole

  Alone. I’m afraid. Too scared to lose control.

  “Fuck,” Adam screamed. “Get your hands off of her!” He stopped drumming and stood up from behind the kit, launching one of his sticks into the audience.

  Thor, Pauly, and I quit playing, and stood in complete shock at the scene unraveling before us. Adam had never gone ape-shit like this before. Is he fucking high?

  Adam stormed from behind the drums and headed into the crowd, in the same direction his drumstick had gone two beats earlier.

  The rest of us watched in horror as Adam elbowed his way through the crowd and landed a punch to some guy’s jaw.

  “You guys better get your boy before that dude beats the shit out of him,” said a dude from the front row.

  Standing next to a live mic, I shouted, “Adam!” as loud as I could. The crowd went still. Who knew I had that kind of power? I set my bass down next to the drum kit and walked through the crowd to where Adam was sprawled out on the floor¸ clutching his left hand to his chest. He was a mess. His shaggy dark hair stuck to his face, falling over his clenched eyes.

  In no time Pauly and Thor flanked me. Even Erin made her way through the crowd to stand beside me. “What the fuck are you doing, Adam?” I spit.

  Adam winced, lying on the ground, rocking from side to side. “Ugh,” he groaned. “That fucking prick had his hands all over Trina’s ass.” He pointed to the guy rubbing his jaw, standing beside Trina—Adam’s flavor of the month.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Thor yelled. “You go ape-shit in the middle of a goddamn show because of some girl?”

  “Hey,” Trina whined, insulted by Thor’s comment. “I was just dancing with him, Adam. You don’t have to be such an overbearing asshole.”

  I reached down, offering Adam my hand. He latched on with the hand that didn’t appear to be hurt, and I pulled him up.

  “Fuck me,” he shouted, standing up. “I think I broke my wrist. Frat Boy has a jaw made of fucking steel.”

  “That ain’t all, little drummer boy,” the guy taunted. “Sure you don’t want to go home with me tonight, sugar?” Frat Boy asked, turning to Trina. “I’ll show you what kind of steel I’m packing.” And as if Adam needed any more of a reason to kick this dude’s ass, he added a few pelvic thrusts to punctuate his statement.

  “That’s it,” Adam said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. His breath came fast and loud, pushing through his teeth. “I’m going to lay you out, fucker.”

  I angled my body, putting Erin behind me. I didn’t want her getting caught in the middle of Adam’s tirade. “Oh, no, you’re not. We’re done here,” I said, blocking Adam from Frat Boy’s line of sight. Sometimes being six foot four had its advantages. “Let’s get our shit cleaned up, boys, and get the hell out.” I walked forward, forcing Adam to shuffle backward, away from any more humiliation. Erin put her hand on my shoulder and walked behind me. I glanced back at her and shrugged, confused. What the hell happened tonight? Pauly and Thor followed too and we all marched our asses back to the stage. The quicker we got out of here the better.

  “Trina?” Adam called, watching her as he backed away. “You’re coming with me, right?”

  I couldn’t see Trina, and I didn’t hear an answer, so I could only assume her curiosity about steel-dick Frat Boy had gotten the better of her.

  I watched Adam visibly deflate at her rejection. Damn, that girl is cold. “Turn around,” I told Adam. “You don’t need her shit.” I placed my hands on his shoulders and forced him to look away. “She’s not worth it, Adam.”

  Adam didn’t argue back, but looked down at the hand he clutched to his chest. “Shit,” he groaned. His wrist was already swelling and turning fifty shades of purple.

  * * *

  Once Adam’s van was packed up, I went to find Tucker—the guy who had answered the door when I arrived. “Sorry, man,” I said, offering my hand. Thor and I always prided ourselves on being good businessmen. I hoped Tucker proved me wrong about my frat boy stereotype (steel-dick sure the hell hadn’t) and would accept my apology on Adam’s behalf.

  “I’m sorry, too. Blaine is such a tool sometimes,” he said, shaking my hand.

  “There’s
no charge for tonight’s show. Not after what happened. I do hope that this incident hasn’t turned you off of Mine Shaft, though. This is the first time anything like this has happened, I assure you.”

  “No worries. You guys are cool in my book,” Tucker said, shaking his head and smiling.

  “Thanks.” I returned his smile.

  “Hope your boy isn’t too hurt,” he added.

  Yeah, me too. “He’ll be fine,” I said, trying to convince myself more than Tucker. “See you around.” I nodded and turned toward the front door.

  Outside, Erin and Thor waited near Adam’s van. “Pauly drove Adam to the hospital. I’m going to drive the van back to our place. I’ll pick up my car sometime tomorrow,” Thor said.

  “We have to figure out what the fuck we’re going to do in the morning,” I sighed, running my hand through my hair.

  “No shit,” Thor added.

  “I’m following Erin back to her place. I’ll meet you back at the apartment. Maybe by then we’ll have more news on whether or not Adam can play.”

  “Griffin,” Erin said, “You don’t have to follow me home. If you guys need to get things sorted out, I understand.”

  I reached for her hand, lacing my fingers between hers. “Nonsense. I want to make sure you get home OK.” I squeezed our interlocked fingers reassuringly.

  “All right, then. I’ll see you back at the apartment,” Thor said, swinging the van keys around his index finger. “Oh, and what was up with you tonight?”

  I cocked my head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  His eyebrow shot up. “A week-long bass lesson?”

  I grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, dude. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. The crowd was turned on and it just seemed like a good idea at the time.”

  He nodded his head and then smiled. “That was brilliant, man. Way to keep us relevant.”

  “You’re not pissed?” I asked, stunned by his reaction.