Fighting Envy

by Jennifer Miller

  “Jax,” she whispers. “Shit. I mean what are you doing here?” My brow furrows, “I’m sorry that sounded bad. What I really mean is, hi.”

  I raise a brow at her and barely suppress my laugh at her surprise, “How are you, Rowan?”

  I’m thrilled when she finally breaks into a smile and sits down across from me. “I’m glad you’re here. I was hoping I would see you again. You must not have known I work here because after the way I treated you, I’m sure you wouldn’t purposefully come near me.”

  “You really think something like that could keep me away?”

  She looks like she isn’t sure how to respond. “Well…regardless, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you.”

  Raising my hand, I signal for her to stop talking. “Don’t apologize. You’re forgiven. So tell me how you are. How’s Lily?”

  The smile that curves her lips is so genuine and filled with happiness that it feels potent in the air around us. Pure love and adoration is all over her expression and I can see in one simple look how much she loves her child. “She’s perfect. Just perfect. I find myself wondering a lot how the hell I’m someone’s mom and then thanking god I am because she’s amazing.” Her whole face is lit up, her hands animated with her words, and her eyes sparkle. “Anyway, I know you said not to apologize, but I still feel bad. Truth is, I was suffering from post partum depression and didn’t know it. I just wasn’t myself.”

  “And now?”

  “Now, I’m much, much better. Enough about Lily and me. How are you?”

  “Hungry,” I tease.

  “Oh shit! I guess you did come in here to get some food.”

  “That’s not the only reason.”

  She stares at me for a moment, maybe not sure if she heard me correctly, or wondering if perhaps I really did know she worked here all along. “Can I please get a water and the chef salad with the house dressing?”

  She raises an eyebrow, “Salad? Not a cheeseburger or something?”

  “Nope. I don’t eat that shit when I’m training.”

  “You’re training?”

  “Yeah. There’s a fight coming up.”

  “You’ll have to tell me more about that later. I’m going to go get your water and salad. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  I nod and smile, then watch her hips sway as she walks away. I’m not the only one either. A man across at the booth kitty corner to mine watches her when she walks by, even turning his head to get a better look. When he turns back around he happens to catch my gaze. I glare at him until he looks down at his food.

  I can’t help but watch Rowan through the window that let’s one see into the kitchen. Nothing could have prepared me for seeing her face to face again. My whole body reacts to her in a way I’ve never felt before, and not only below my belt. Being near her makes my body heat up and my fingers twitch with the need to touch her. Somewhere. Anywhere.

  When she comes back with my food, I can’t help but smile to myself when she immediately sits down again. Maybe, just maybe, she’s having the same reaction to me. “So, Tyson told me that you went to visit him. He said you told him about Lily being born, and my being alone.”

  I look at her warily not sure if she’s upset about my interfering. I can’t read the expression on her face and it makes me unsure. “I did,” I drag out the word, my hesitance evident in the sound.

  When she reaches out and grabs my hand, my breath hitches, and my cock swells in my pants, having a life of its own. Fuck. If she can do this with an innocent touch on my hand, what will she do to me when I get more? Because I am fucking determined to get more. I have to. My body craves her and it’s worse than a body builder addicted to steroids. My life has been full of her the last three months even though she has no clue.

  “At first I was a little pissed that you got involved in my business but Ty made me realize how stupid that was, so I want to say thank you. Again.” I let out a breath in relief at her words not even aware I had been holding it. “When I think about you standing at my door with your arms full of things for me and Lily, I feel shitty. If I could go back and do that moment, well more like that day over, I would. Thanks for being so sweet. I mean… you hardly even know me and here you went out of your way to help me and I was nothing but a bitch to you.”

  “Really, it’s okay. Stop beating yourself up. I could tell you weren’t exactly yourself.”

  “Understatement of the year.”

  I give her shrug of my shoulders, “We all have moments we wish we could redo.”

  She gives my hand a squeeze and then pulls away, and I’m all too aware of its loss. “Well, thank you for understanding and also for going to see Tyson. He mentioned it was nice to see you.”

  “It was good to see him too.”

  “He’s been there four and a half months now. I’m so ready for him to get out. I’m counting down the days. I can’t wait.”

  “Have you taken Lily to see him?”

  She laughs, “No. He’s adamant about the fact that I should not bring his niece to see him in jail. He says he doesn’t want her to see him like that. I told him she’s not going to remember, but he doesn’t care.” She looks down and notices I’ve finished my water, “Let me get the pitcher of water and fill you up.” She walks away to retrieve it and I finish the last few bites of my salad while contemplating how I’d like to see her again and if she feels the same way. I run my hand through my hair wanting to punch myself at the thoughts I’m having. If anyone could read my mind they’d tell me to man the hell up.

  Rowan returns and fills up my glass, but not before checking in with a few other tables on the way over. When she reaches me, I decide to just go for it, “Rowan, would you like to go get coffee with me when you get off of work?”

  She looks at me for a few moments before asking, “Why?”

  “Why? What do you mean why? Because I’d like to spend some time with you and get to know you better.”

  Her eyes narrow a little and if I’m not mistaking she’s tapping her foot. Is it in nervousness? “I can’t. I have to pick up Lily.”

  “Some other time then?”

  Again she pauses and looks at me as if she’s looking for some answer to an unknown question. I can tell her mind is moving at a rapid pace and I would give anything to know what she’s thinking right now. Her eyes focus back on me, “I’m busy. Sorry.”

  “But I didn’t even say when.”

  She smiles in a way that can only be called saucy, “I know.” She walks away and I’m left sitting there wondering what the hell just happened. She told me no? No one tells me no. At least not in a really long time. I close my mouth when I realize it’s hanging open. She walks back with my check, “I’ll be your cashier when you’re ready.” Watching her closely, I wonder if this is her way of dismissing me. Pulling my wallet out of my back pocket while keeping my eyes on her, I hand over my debit card without looking at the bill. “I’ll be right back.”

  I stare at her the whole time she walks away and she looks up a few times catching my eyes on her. A soft smile curves her lips and all I want to do is have her look at me like that with her underneath me. She’s torturing me and she doesn’t even know it. Or maybe she does. When she brings my receipt back to sign, she has a coffee pot in her hand. “Here you go. It was great seeing you. I have to go fill up people’s coffees. Did you need anything else?”

  “Yes I need a lot of things and woman, you are going to give them to me. I’ll be seeing you later.”

  Signing my name with a flourish and leaving her with an obscene tip, all I can think is game on. I’ll do whatever I have to, to wear her down. When I look over my shoulder as I leave, I’m happy to note this time it’s her that has her mouth hanging open.

  “You are such a pretty girl my sweet baby.” I coo at Lily and she gives me an adoring smile as if she understands my words. Maybe she does, who knows? She makes sweet little sounds and I continue responding and prompting her while she wiggles around
as I do my best to get her arms and legs pulled through her outfit. “Mommy has to go to work again. I’m sorry baby. If I could stay home with you all day, every day, I would in a hot second. Yes, I would.”

  She gives me another toothless smile and shakes her little fists around like she’s telling me I should make that happen. “It’s just the two of us and that means mommy has to work so I can make money to pay for our house, buy us food and keep you in formula and diapers.” Standing her up she pushes on her little feet for a second before her knees collapse and I hold her under her arms, “Such a big girl! Yes you are!”

  My heart bursts with love every time she gives me a smile and I swear her little eyes twinkle when she looks at me. Sometimes I get sad when I feel like I’m missing out on important moments with her, but then events occur that help me realize everything I experience with her is a first. Like the time I picked her up from Audrey’s and as soon as Lily saw me she started squealing and squirming, letting me know that she recognized me. She was as excited to see me, as I was her and I cried. Like a big damn baby. It’s daunting at times to have such a little person so completely dependent on me, but at the same time, the responsibility makes me feel wanted and useful. Needed. Loved. And those feelings are indescribable.

  With Lily on my hip, I walk to the kitchen and place her in the highchair purchased at a garage sale for ten dollars. I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s so cute with a little yellow duck pattern on the cushioned seat. Lily loves to sit in it and watch me move around the kitchen. It supports her well and I love watching her little face as she takes in everything around her. Sighing at the thought, I quickly prepare a few bottles and put them in the refrigerator and then gather up the trash so I can take it outside on my way to the diner.

  A knock on my door comes just on time and I open it to Audrey and give her a hug. “Hi, Audrey. Come on in.” The day I walked to her front door and told her I needed help was the worst day of my life, but it was the best thing I could have done. Audrey has been a godsend. Not only did she help me with Lily almost every day, but she also drove me to the clinic to see a doctor and stayed with me while the doctor spoke to me about post partum depression. She even took me to the pharmacy to fill my prescription. While I was doing my best to get well and wait out the four to six weeks my doctor said it would take for my meds to kick in, Audrey was there picking up my slack. The changes in me at first were subtle. Smiling more. Laughing more often. Finding it easier to get up in the morning and having more energy each day. But then, I felt like myself again and it was an amazing feeling. I was very resistant to medicine at first because I was under the impression I would be some unfeeling drone, but that wasn’t the case at all. The doctor helped me realize my health is important because without it, I can’t take care of Lily at all. It was the right decision because now I’m able to function again which is good because my butt needs to work to support me and my girl.

  “There are some bottles in the fridge for you. I should be back around five o’clock.”

  “No worries, honey. Like always if I’m not here when you get home, your sweet pea and I have just gone next door to my place. I think I might start a new show on Netflix a friend was telling me about, so when Lily goes down for a nap we may go over there.”

  “That’s fine with me, you know that. I can’t thank you enough for watching her. Do you need an errand or anything done for you this week?”

  “No honey, I’m fine. I’ll let you know if something comes up.”

  “Okay, please do. No matter what it is. I want to thank you and give you something in return.”

  “Honey, her little smiles and baby noises are thank you enough. I love to do it. I’d just be alone otherwise.”

  I give Audrey a hug in thanks. “I’ll see you later.” She pats my back and gives me a squeeze in reply.

  Walking to Lily, I give her a big smacking kiss on her cheek, making her giggle. “Bye little one. Mommy will see you later.” She shakes her legs and fists and I take that as her goodbye and go on my way.

  Thinking back to a few days ago when Jax came into the diner makes goose bumps break out onto my skin. Damn that man is good looking. Picturing him sitting in the booth, his dark hair kind of messy and his piercing eyes appearing to devour me, I wanted nothing more than to trip and fall onto his full lips. I would have apologized later if he didn’t return the kiss, but I would have at least enjoyed a few seconds of heaven and been grateful for the brief taste. Just looking at him makes me clench my thighs in need – it’s ridiculous. If things were different I would throw myself at him and hope to enjoy at least one night of his rocking my world – because he would I’m sure. Everything about him screams hot sex. It’s been so long – too long – since I’ve had some male attention.

  But that’s not to be. I’m a mother now and Lily is my first priority. Always. Having a mother like I do only makes me more determined to be the exact opposite of what I’ve experienced. I want Lily to know without a doubt, every single day, that I love her. I want her to know that no one and nothing is more important to me and that our family may not be normal, but I’ll do my best to make it up to her any way I can. I hope she doesn’t resent me for the fact that she doesn’t have a father. I know it won’t be easy for her, but hopefully my love for her is enough to be both mother and father. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but these are things I worry about. Does not having a father affect her now even though she’s only a few months old? Does she feel his absence at such a young age? I can’t remember my not having a father in my life ever affecting me in a really horrible way - I didn’t know any different. The fear is still there for Lily regardless.

  Sighing, I push the thoughts aside because I know there’s nothing I can do about them right now, other than making sure she feels my love each and every day. Besides, what young, sexy, successful guy like Jax wants to be saddled down with a girl and her new baby? Plus, I may have lost most of my baby weight but I’m all too aware of the extra pounds I’m still carrying in my stomach, not to mention how my body just seems… softer and fuller that before. No doubt Jax has girls falling off of him on a daily basis. I can’t compete with that. Yes, he asked me out for coffee, but I know it’s most likely out of obligation to my brother.

  Thinking of Tyson makes me feel guilty. He’s been asking me each time we speak why the hell Jason isn’t around. I keep putting his question off, changing the subject right away. I know I’ll have to talk to him about it eventually, but not while he’s in jail. He’ll get angry and I don’t want him reacting to it while he’s there. Perhaps I’m not giving him enough credit, but he has a temper. I can see him needing to vent his frustration and taking it out on someone and earning himself more time in jail. No thanks.

  The diner is hopping when I walk in and I rush to the employee room in the back, stow my purse in my locker, put on my apron and get my butt into action. “Hi doll,” Nina the owner says. I turn to her and smile. “Good morning. Where do you want me to go?”

  “You’ll take my section so I can go into the office and place some orders and pay some invoices, honey. Just come get me if any of you need anything for any reason. I’ll pop out here and there.”

  “Okay. Have fun.” She snorts with a stifled laugh and walks off. She really is a great boss. She and her husband, Tim, own the diner and are really great with all of their staff. When I initially called to tell them I needed more time to recover from delivering Lily, they were great. When I sucked it up and came in to talk to them about my post partum diagnosis, they were so supportive I broke down and cried. Not that tears were a hard commodity for me, but their kindness astounded me. I think I scared Tim half to death, but Nina just patted her husband on the shoulder and gave me a look that said, ignore him. They gave me all the time off I needed and Nina stopped by more than once bringing me dishes of food from the diner. I was lucky to have them. Both of them.

  An hour into my shift and we’re slammed. Seeing out of the corner of my eye that new f
olks are sitting in my section, I grab the pot of coffee and head over. I stop short when I see Jax and another guy sitting in the booth. Jax is looking at his menu, but I know damn well he knows I’m standing here. There’s a smirk playing on his lips that automatically makes me feel a combination of amusement and irritation. The man with him is sexy as hell, but isn’t quite Jax’s caliber. He’s covered in tattoos and has a faux hawk. He’s built just like Jax, but has his eyebrow and both ears pierced.

  Placing one hand on my hip, I sit the coffee pot down onto their table loudly. “Well, well, well. Look who it is.”

  Jax looks up at me and smiles, but his friend looks at me in confusion. I stick my hand out for a shake, “Hi. My name is Rowan. And you are?”

  Instantly amusement curves his lips and his brows lift in clear interest. “Well hello there, Rowan. My name is Zane. My friend here dragged me to breakfast and initially I was annoyed because I have shit to do, but all of the sudden, I’m not minding so much.” He looks me up and down and I feel flustered at the attention. I’m not generally shy but hell, these boys are hot.

  Glancing at Jax, I see he’s scowling at my hand still in Zane’s which makes me automatically pull away, then wonder why I did. “And Jax. What was it you said last time I saw you? Oh yes, I remember. Fancy meeting you here.”

  He smiles and I nearly swoon at the sight. Will I ever stop being bowled over by those eyes, and those dimples? I hope not. “Hi, Rowan. What can I say? I’m hungry. Again.” And the way he’s looking at me I don’t think he’s talking about food.

  “And you chose this diner as opposed to all the other restaurants because…”

  “Well I would think that’s obvious.” His brows lift and he’s biting his bottom lip and I swear I stop breathing. “I love the food here.”

  My eyes narrow at him and I feel this strange urge to stomp my foot like a child having a tantrum. He’s smiling in a way that tells me he knows that I was hoping he’d say he’s here to see me. Damn him. I turn to Zane, who is curiously looking from me to Jax, and back again. Just to irritate Jax, I give Zane what I hope is a sultry smile and touch his arm. “Tell me something. Why the hell are you here with this guy?” I jerk my thumb towards Jax but don’t look at him.