Mad Mad Love ~ The Remembrance Trilogy: Complete Box Set Holiday Edition

by Kahlen Aymes

  She reached up and laid her fingers against my mouth. “No, I do. I do, Ryan. I want a little boy with big blue eyes and golden hair, who looks just like you.”

  I took her wrist in my hand and kissed the fingers against my mouth. “Are you sure? I don’t want to rush you.”

  “As long as you promise things won’t change.”

  “I promise. You make me so happy, Julia.”

  “Let’s keep it a secret. That we’re trying, okay?” Her voice quivered around the words and my heart swelled inside my chest. I was the luckiest bastard on the planet and I knew it. She was everything I could ever want and so much more.

  I nodded as my vision blurred. “Yeah. This is the most intimate thing in the world and I don’t want to share it with anyone but you. You’re so perfect… you’ll make a perfect baby. So beautiful.”

  “Because his daddy is so gorgeous.”

  I leaned back and reached out to turn off the light before pulling Julia gently onto my chest. She settled in with a sigh as we wrapped our arms and legs around each other. I sucked in a deep breath and stroked my fingers through her silky hair, spreading it out on her bare alabaster back.

  “I love you,” I said into the pitch darkness and felt her turn and place an open mouth kiss on my chest, then another. “We should use condoms for at least a month after you’re off of the pill, babe.”

  “Yes, Dr. Matthews,” she said, her voice laced with amusement.

  “Well? I want that shit out of your body. He’s been waiting all these months. The least we can do is make sure he’s healthy when he finally gets here.”

  She laughed softly. I couldn’t see her face, but she turned toward me and snuggled closer, resting her forehead into the curve of my neck. The warmth of her breaths rushed over my skin and I turned to kiss her forehead.

  “Yes. But… we’ve never used condoms. How will you manage?” she teased.

  “I’ll manage.”

  “We could always abstain. Not have sex for the five weeks,” she teased.

  I smiled. “Like hell,” I retorted with a huff, my fingers still tracing delicately over the skin of the arm she held across my body. “What should we name him?”

  “We have months and months to figure that out. Something perfect, though.” I yawned, exhaustion finally getting the better of me. Julia heard it. “Now hush and sleep.”

  Her breathing evened out and I closed my eyes.

  Chapter 2

  RYAN~

  The reception was huge. Easily three times that of our wedding, Jenna must have invited all of Boston proper. She was beautiful in a huge tulle-skirted ball gown and Julia had loaned her Mom’s diamond pins to wear in her hair, saying it was only fair that both of the Matthews brides share in the tradition. Jenna was very moved at the gesture and it fulfilled another tradition of something borrowed. She looked like a fairy princess, and completely luminous. Aaron was beaming and holding on to her for dear life. I smiled. It’s about Goddamn time.

  The party was winding down and my eyes searched for my own gorgeous wife. Julia, Ellie, and Jenna’s sister were all in black, but like our wedding, the bridesmaid dresses were completely different styles. I noticed them briefly, but didn’t register the differences all that much. All I knew was that Julia left me gasping in the black silk creation that skimmed her body and dipped low in back leaving her creamy skin completely bare to just below her waist. A smattering of sequins outlined the edging and followed around over the shoulders and to the neckline, leaving just a hint of the top swells of her breasts visible. It left little to the imagination the way it hugged her body. At least… my imagination, since I knew firsthand what lay underneath. It was sexy as hell and really a far cry from a traditional bridesmaid dress. Her hair was up loosely with tendrils falling free in front and one or two down the back. It gave her a soft, subtly ruffled look that screamed she’d just been made love to. I couldn’t help the quirk of my lips.

  I was sitting at the table we’d been assigned, next to the dance floor and talking casually to Tanner and a couple of my other Harvard friends. Aaron and Jenna were socializing with some of her family and Harris was at the bar getting drinks. I hadn’t seen Julia or Ellie for a good half hour and my eyes were starting to search.

  Tanner was talking about one of the cases he wanted me to consult on and I tried to keep my focus, but the alcohol and my preoccupation with my missing wife wasn’t helping.

  “I’ve run all types of pulmonary tests and pulled in specialists and none of us can seem to agree,” Tanner said. “One says COPD, another says it’s a heart issue. I can’t find anything wrong with his lungs and his oxygen levels are normal.”

  “Have you done a coronary angiogram? Maybe it’s a valve problem. If the lungs are clear and the patient still can’t get enough oxygen, it seems logical that something is wrong with the heart. Maybe he isn’t getting enough blood to or from his lungs. It may be congestive heart failure.” I mumbled off the diagnosis’ most obvious to me. “Might need a defibulator.”

  We continued our conversation and Harris came to join us, but as he was last night, he was preoccupied and distant. I noticed that he was drinking much more than he normally did.

  “Hey, man.” I looked up at him and followed his movements with my eyes as he sat down near me.

  “Hi. Julia looks incredible tonight.”

  A grin broke out on my face. “Yes. Beautiful. Ellie is too. She did a beautiful job on the dresses.”

  Harris huffed. “This wedding has been all she’s cared about for months. Honestly, I’m glad it’s over. Now maybe we can get back to normal.”

  I turned my chair toward him so I could speak directly to him and not let the others at the table be privy to the conversation. “What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?”

  He shrugged and shot me a glance before returning his attention to his almost empty glass. “It’s just different. She’s changed. We’re both busy and she seems checked out. I come home from being on the road and there is a huge wall between us. I can’t seem to knock it down and frankly, I’m sick of trying. She works like a dog on everyone else’s wedding but won’t marry me, and I’m not sure I even want to anymore.”

  “I sensed something was wrong between you two. I asked Julia about it, but all she said was that you were going through something tough, but you’d be able to work it out. I got the feeling Ellie didn’t want her to share their conversations with me. Harris… I’m very sorry, man. I can’t imagine going through anything like that with Julia. Is there anything I can do?”

  His lips twitched in response, he closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m not sure if even I can do anything about it.”

  “Maybe you two should get away together. It’s hard to imagine that you’d be so at odds. Ellie has always been so crazy over you.” I paused and he just seemed mesmerized by his drink. “How long has this been going on?”

  “Four or five months; since before your wedding. Seeing you and Julia,” Harris stopped and sighed, “has made me really face the abyss between Ellie and me. The two of you together… it’s… well, it sort of puts my situation in perspective.”

  I was uncomfortable at his words and I looked down at my hands, clasped between my knees. My elbows were resting on my legs as I leaned over them. I hardly found the words. “Harris, you can’t measure what you and Ellie have against my relationship with Julia. No two couples are the same. We’re not perfect. We have our struggles, too.”

  “Yeah? Like what? I can see the love between you. Shit, I can feel it if I’m within fifty yards of either one of you. She’s always touching you and the way you two look at each other. I envy you,” he said, his voice deep.

  I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt bad for him as I expelled my breath. “Well, our schedules are hellacious. We don’t see each other much. Sometimes it’s literally days apart.”

  “Yeah, but does Jules think you’re fucking around? Ellie is distant and I can see it in her eyes that
she doesn’t trust me. Shit, she says she doesn’t! Always accusing me of cheating on the road.”

  I sucked in a deep breath and filled my lungs up to capacity and blew it out before answering him, carefully considering my words.

  “Julia trusts me. I trust her. It’s not about that. She’s very supportive of my residency, but there are times when she resents all the time I’m away from her. She didn’t get married to be alone and I hate it as much, or maybe more, than she does.”

  “But you love what you do and the bottom line is, she backs you. She knew she was marrying a doctor. She’d never ask you to give it up, right?”

  “No.” I said without hesitation. If anything, it was me that wished I’d picked a less demanding profession, no matter how rewarding it was. “She’d never do that. Has Ellie… asked you to quit the band?”

  “Not in so many words. But she’s stopped coming to gigs and practices and then she bitches when we don’t see each other. She yells at me about the fans, but that’s all part of it. If we make it big, it will get even worse. I’m not sure she can handle it and I’m not sure if I want to argue all the fucking time. I’m tired of defending myself for shit that isn’t even happening.”

  “Damn. I didn’t realize it was that bad. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my wife doubted me. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

  “That’s just it. She married you when she didn’t even remember everything about your relationship. That’s how much she trusts you, Ryan. You’re luckier than you know. Ellie doesn’t even believe me when I say I’m not screwing the groupies and we hardly ever have sex. It’s killing me.”

  Oh, I knew how rare the love Julia and I shared was, which made it difficult to sit here and try to convince Harris that his relationship with Ellie would be okay. I couldn’t, because honestly, I wasn’t sure.

  “No, I know how lucky I am but I almost fucked it up good. Julia threatened to leave me to get me to trust how much she loved me, Harris. Maybe Ellie needs a wake-up call like that. I hate to suggest it because I love Ellie and I don’t know her side, and I don’t want to speak out of turn, but it’s an idea. After it happened with us, I became even more aware that when I wake up with Julia close to me, I’m holding the world in my arms.”

  He huffed in exasperation. “Even when you speak about her… it’s like poetry. As devastated as I am with this crap between me and Ellie, with you guys it would be worse. I hope nothing ever comes between you because it would literally knock you on your ass.”

  I nodded. “No shit,” I said quietly. “I know. I’ve lived through almost losing her once and I don’t think I could take it again.” I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. “It will work out if you love each other enough.”

  “Maybe.”

  “It will. Ellie totally lights up when you’re around, so focus on that.” I said the words, but I had to qualify it in my mind. During the last couple of times we’d seen them, the strain between them was clear.

  I sat back in my chair. The DJ had been playing some faster music, but was finally starting a slower set. It was getting late, almost eleven o’clock, and the talk with Harris made me want to get my hands on Julia. My eyes continued to scan the room.

  My parents and Julia’s were on the dance floor along with Aaron and Jen. I cringed when I noticed the familiar figure of Liza across the room talking to Min and a man I didn’t recognize.

  What the fuck was she doing here? Jenna detested the woman and I couldn’t see Aaron adding her to the guest list. She must be here as a guest of someone who was invited. I prayed she wouldn’t try to talk to me and I’d been lucky so far.

  “Do you want another drink, Harris? I’m going to see if can find Julia. I can get you one on my way back.”

  “No, that’s okay, Ryan. Go enjoy yourself. I need to find Ellie, too. I want to leave if possible. I have an early flight and this situation really wipes me out. I want to go to bed.”

  “If I see her, I’ll send her to find you.” I held out my hand to him to shake it goodbye. “It’ll work out, man. I wish you the best, you know that.”

  “Thank you. It was good to see you and it’s always a pleasure to see Jules. She’s terrific.”

  “She’ll want to say goodbye to you. Will you wait to leave until I find her, please?”

  “Sure. I’d bet money she and Ellie are together anyway.”

  I smiled apologetically. “Probably right.”

  I wandered through the crowd, acknowledging people I knew and stopping only to chat briefly to Dr. Brighton’s wife, Cynthia, before finally finding Julia and Ellie in the hallway outside the ballroom. They were leaning against the wall with their heads close together and Ellie was clearly upset, her face pinched and red, her cheeks damp with tears. Julia reached out to her friend and hugged her close, causing Ellie to sob into her shoulder.

  I hesitated, wondering whether or not I should interrupt. Scenes like this were weird and I stopped a few feet away to consider it. Some of the other guests milling around on their way to the bathrooms or in and out of the hotel were casting curious glances in the women’s direction.

  Julia noticed and whispered something into Ellie’s ear. She nodded and moved out of my wife’s arms to begin wiping at her eyes with both hands. I moved forward and pulled a handkerchief out of my front right breast pocket and held it out to Ellie wordlessly, my left hand skirting down Julia’s bare back to rest on her hip.

  Ellie’s expression was embarrassed but she took the hankie and dabbed at her eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I should be inside with Aaron and Jenna and here I am blubbering like an idiot!” she sniffled.

  Julia’s arm was around my waist and she leaned into me slightly. I knew her heart was breaking for Ellie when her head tilted and rested on my shoulder. I resisted the urge to turn and place a kiss on her forehead, knowing I needed to focus on Ellie.

  I released Julia and hugged the other girl close to me, but Julia’s hand remained on my lower back, rubbing slightly and maintaining the connection between us.

  “Ellie, what can I do? Can I get you a stiff drink? Do you need to go up to your room? Should we come with you?”

  Ellie shook her head. “No. I can’t take you away from your brother’s wedding, Ryan, but thank you for being so sweet. Harris should be out here with me, but obviously, he doesn’t care where I am.”

  I sighed. “I don’t think that’s true, honey. I just spoke with him. He’s upset, too. You two should talk.”

  I glanced down at Julia, whose eyes met mine and she bit her lip. I could read the look I found there. This was bad.

  “We have talked. What did he tell you?” Ellie asked, still trying not to cry.

  “Uh… I think you should talk to him about it.”

  Ellie’s face hardened and she pulled away abruptly. “Look, Ryan, I know he’s been screwing those groupies. They all do it; the rest of the band, too. I’m not cut out for the life of a traveling rock star and Harris’s solution is that I quit my job and follow him around the world. My job! Then, if he leaves me, where the fuck will I be? I can’t do that. I won’t,” she snapped.

  My hand slid down her arm and I took her hand. “I don’t think he’s cheating, Ellie. I really don’t. I can see that you’re hurt, but so is he. He’s devastated that you won’t marry him.”

  “I’ve seen those girls hanging on him. I surprised him on the road and I saw how they are with my own damn eyes! I can’t possibly marry him after that.”

  I stiffened. Harris hadn’t told me that part and maybe it was worse than I thought. I felt helpless to ease her pain. “I’m… Did you see him doing anything or just some woman hitting on him? Ellie, think about it.”

  “She was all over him, and he didn’t stop her.” Fresh tears filled her dark brown eyes and spilled over on to her cheeks. She used the handkerchief to dab at them.

  “I see. I’m so sorry, Ellie.” It seemed pointless to continue the conversation when the one she needed to have it with was H
arris.

  Julia was silent and I could see the resignation on her face. The deep sadness meant she’d tried to have this same talk with her friend and Ellie obviously wasn’t in a place to listen. “Why don’t we go say goodnight to the bride and groom and then I’ll take you upstairs. If you don’t feel like staying with Harris tonight, Ryan will stay with him and I’ll stay with you.” She looked up at me apologetically and I nodded shortly.

  “Of course.” I was disappointed to lose the last night of this time alone with Julia, but Ellie’s situation was more important, so I agreed without hesitation.

  “Thanks for being so sweet, but I wouldn’t want to do that to you. I can deal with it one more night. He’s flying out very early anyway.”

  “You’re not even traveling together?” I asked incredulously.

  She sensed my trepidation and rushed to clarify. “We’re not going to the same place. He’s meeting up with the band in Toronto and I’m going back to Los Angeles,” Ellie explained.

  I put one arm around Ellie and the other around Julia and turned them back toward the ballroom. “I see. Well, before you go upstairs, you owe me a dance, little bit.”

  “Yeah, my feet hurt anyway,” Julia interjected with a smile.

  I laughed and Ellie’s lips lifted in a smile.

  “Yeah, right. If you’re trying to make it seem like I’ve stepped on your feet, wife, you’re lying. She’s the one who steps on my feet, Ellie,” I teased.

  “Shut up, Matthews. You know what they say; if your feet get stomped on while dancing, it’s because you didn’t move them out of the way fast enough.”

  Julia reached out the hand that was behind Ellie’s back and squeezed my arm that was resting around Ellie’s waist. It was more of our silent communication.