Mad Mad Love ~ The Remembrance Trilogy: Complete Box Set Holiday Edition

by Kahlen Aymes

  Fucking perfect.

  Chapter 7

  Julia~

  My pencil tapped against the hard surface of my desk as my tired eyes stared out across Manhattan and Central Park. The sky was grey, winter robbing the trees of leaves and the buildings on the other side of the park blurring into lifeless oblivion as thoughts of the morning flooded my mind.

  I rushed out of bed when a loud clatter from the kitchen, followed by a grumpy expletive, jolted me out of sleep. I ran down the hall, pulling one of Ryan’s discarded t-shirts over my head and pushing my arms through the sleeves.

  Ryan was already dressed in black scrubs and bent down picking up the pieces of a broken coffee cup. My hand slid slowly over his back, unable to resist even the slightest opportunity to touch him before I grabbed some paper towels to soak up the coffee. The aroma was pungent, much stronger than I would make it, but Ryan was working nearly 80 hours a week and needed the reviving effects of heavy caffeine.

  His head snapped around at the touch of my hand. “Baby, don’t step in this. You might cut your feet.” Ryan dumped the broken cup in the trash and lifted me up to sit on the counter in one smooth motion, his right arm wrapped around my waist as if I weighed nothing. I loved how strong and capable he was, his muscles flexing only slightly with the movement. When his arm began to slide from around me and his left hand reached to take the towels from me, I couldn’t help but cage him in with my arms and legs. An overwhelming feeling rushed over me, and I just needed a moment to hold him close. I missed him as if we still lived two hundred miles apart, and I hated that he was leaving me again.

  Instantly, his arms enfolded me in a tight embrace, one hand threading through the hair at the back of my head to press my face deeper into the curve of his neck and shoulder.

  Silently we just held each other and he kissed me long and deep, forgetting the wet mess on the floor. I wanted the whole fucking world to go away. “I wish we could just lie on the couch, all wound up in each other, for the whole day,” I’d murmured into his neck. He was warm and smelled of fresh soap and Ryan.

  “Sharing the iPod?” he asked.

  I could only nod against him as a lump in my throat swelled painfully. I tried to content myself with the briefest of moments, like this. I could feel his pulse against my forehead as I wound my arms tighter around his waist.

  “Me, too, baby.”

  My heart tightened and my eyes stung. I could still feel the urgency of his embrace; my body remembering his hard contours pressing into my softness, as much as my mind remembered his words. Remembering should leave me fulfilled, but it left me hungry and aching. I didn’t know if I was blinking back tears or trying to rid the burning caused from lack of sleep. The few minutes this morning would have been perfect if it weren’t for that stupid hospital phone going off and ruining the moment. That phone was just a more efficient version of a pager. He’d glanced at it briefly before clipping it back on his waist, his eyes touching mine then looking away. Ryan left after gulping down another cup of coffee and shoving the lunch I’d made the night before into a bag. The call had to be from Jane. Before she got hurt, that phone never went off at home, and I was far from stupid. The single benefit to working in the ER was that someone else was on call when Ryan was off-duty. If it were a medical emergency, they would have paged someone on site. I could tell by the guilty look in his eyes that he knew I was well aware of who originated that call and that it had nothing to do with work. I guess I should be thankful she wasn’t calling his personal phone. I huffed in disgust.

  I blinked at the layout on my desk next to the final guest list for the gala that Andrea had mocked for me. It was just after two, and I groaned. The end of the day couldn’t come soon enough to suit me. Even though I faced another evening without Ryan, I wasn’t concentrating and couldn’t wait to get the hell out of here. Other than a check-in with Ellie earlier that morning, I hadn’t accomplished a single thing. Even that was unproductive. I regretted calling considering that the call ended with her bawling her eyes out and me unable to comfort her at all. I sighed deeply. I’d told her over and over that Harris loved her and wasn’t cheating. He’d told her the same thing, but she didn’t believe either one of us, and we were both at the end of our respective ropes. I loved Ellie; I felt sad for her, but she was being an idiot. I felt even sadder for Harris.

  A light tap on the door startled me out of my thoughts, though I welcomed the distraction. All this wallowing wasn’t getting me anywhere, and it sure as hell wasn’t constructive.

  “Come in!” I called, hoping I managed to inject a little enthusiasm into my tone.

  Andrea’s bright smile and brighter red head popped around the corner of the half open door. “Want some company?” I wondered what she was so happy about when I was so miserable.

  I threw the pen down on my desk and sat up straighter in my chair. “Sure,” I said blandly.

  “Gee, thanks, boss,” Andrea admonished with a wrinkle of her nose, still not coming in and half-hiding behind the door. “I love you, too.”

  I guiltily waved her in. “I’m sorry. I’m just not here today. What’s up?”

  The door flew open wide, and to my surprise, Jenna rushed in, laughing happily. Her cheeks were flushed a pretty pink from the cold New York air, and she was dressed in a thick blue parka and jeans.

  “I’m what’s up!” she laughed as I jumped from my chair in surprise, flashing a big smile as I rushed into her embrace. “Or down, as the case may be.”

  “Jenna! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” We hugged each other tight. The familiar scent of her perfume wafted gently around the room. “I’m so happy to see you!”

  “I wanted to surprise you!” She hugged me again. “You look amazing…” She eyed me curiously, taking in the finely tailored suit and mauve silk blouse I wore. “Aside from those god-awful bags under your eyes.”

  I laughed and grimaced simultaneously. I could always count on Jenna’s brutal honesty to slap me in the face. “Thanks. You look great, too; sans bags, of course. What are you doing in New York?”

  She plopped down in one of the upholstered chairs opposite my desk, quickly undoing her coat and shoving it off her shoulders to reveal a heavy, cream-colored turtleneck sweater over dark jeans. “I need to shop. Aaron and I are staying in Boston for Christmas and I have to get things shipped to the families. You, too, right? Obviously, when Elyse and Gabe were arranging it at the wedding, we should have known better.”

  I wasn’t buying her excuse for making the trek down to New York, but it didn’t matter, I was just glad she was here.

  “I guess.” My response was lackluster. This Christmas didn’t feel much like I’d hope it would, considering this would be Ryan’s and my first Christmas as a married couple; the first Christmas one of us didn’t have to travel to be with the other. I’d been looking forward to decorating, preparing and shopping with him, but it wasn’t working out that way. I wanted it to be so special, but our lack of time together along with added crap like my derailed plans last night were putting a serious crimp in things.

  I shook myself out of my thoughts and smiled at Jenna’s expectant face. “And there are no shops in Boston; none what-so-ever. I remember now,” I teased, my brows lifted mockingly.

  Jenna rolled her eyes and screwed her face up. “Whatever. I wanted to see you, so shoot me. I miss you and I suh-pose I miss that moody man of yours, but don’t you dare tell him I said that! Is he working today?”

  “Yes. Always working. Do you want some coffee?”

  “No, I want you to get you and your Gucci-clad ass out of here!” Jenna grinned. “The day’s almost over anyway, right?”

  I looked guiltily at the work piled on my desk. “Uh, yeah. It was pretty much a wash today, anyway.” I flushed as I realized I’d just moved the conversation to a place that it didn’t need to go.

  She studied my face as I sat back down behind my desk. “What’s going on?” she asked seriously.

  �
��Probably nothing.” I offered a half-assed shrug before continuing. “I don’t know.”

  “Is Ryan okay? He’s fully recovered from his injury, isn’t he? That was almost a month ago.”

  Was it only a month ago? It seemed like longer. “He has a scar and sometimes that shoulder gets stiff, but I think that’s just an excuse to get me to give him a massage.” I tried to joke, but Jenna saw right through me.

  She leaned forward in her chair. “Okay, I never thought I’d ask this, but are you and Ryan okay?”

  I slowly rose from my chair, taking the layout back to the easel as I tried to look busy. “Yes. Of course, we’re fine.”

  Jenna wasn’t convinced. “Really,” she stated flatly. Somehow it wasn’t a question.

  “Yes. These bags under my eyes are because we made love most of the night.”

  She leaned back, her eyes scrutinizing. “Uh huh,” she said, clearly disbelieving.

  I wanted to word vomit all over the place about Jane, but I knew Jenna would spill to Aaron, and I didn’t want Ryan to know I was upset. He had enough to worry about, and I felt petty and silly for even feeling the way I did.

  “What?” I asked, trying to make it sound as incredulous as possible. “We did! I’m tired.”

  “Look, Julia, I thought we were closer now. Ever since your car accident, I’ve thought of you as my sister.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Right, so you can spill more than Ryan’s and your bang-a-thon!”

  I couldn’t help bursting out laughing at her words. “Oh my God! Only you, Jenna! How romantic you make it seem!”

  “Okay, how’s this? All night hump-session? Ryan poke-fest?” We both fell into fits of giggles for at least sixty seconds. “Peen-o-rama?” Jenna continued without mercy.

  Peals of more laughter ripped through me as I planted my forehead down on my desk, my shoulders shaking. I was laughing so hard, my sides ached, my face hurt, and my eyes were beginning to tear. “Stop!” I managed to choke out.

  Jenna was grinning from ear to ear when I finally lifted my head.

  “Really. What’s up?”

  I sobered almost instantly and inhaled deeply. Not only was I going to regret telling her, I was probably going to sound insane.

  “It’s probably all in my head.” I threw my hands up and began to pace around the room. “I don’t want Ryan to think I’m upset, and Aaron will tell him whatever I say, so I should just zip it before I even get started.”

  “I won’t tell Aaron, I promise, but I will bet my ass that if you’re worried or upset about anything, Ryan already knows. He is way too in tune with you, girl.”

  “Lately, he’s so tired, he may be a little tuned out. And, as I said, it’s really nothing.”

  “Oh my God! Are you going to tell me or what?”

  I bit my lip, hesitating, but I really did need to talk it out. It was eating me alive. “Only if you promise never to say a word to either one of the guys.”

  “Oh, Jesus, Julia!” Her exasperation at my stalling was barely kept in check. “I said I promise, didn’t I?”

  I ran a hand through my hair and sat down again.

  “And stop bouncing around! You’re giving me a headache!”

  “After that night in the ER, the woman who got stabbed? She calls and texts Ryan constantly… last night I had this big romantic dinner planned, but he called in the middle of the afternoon informing me he’d invited Jane—her name’s Jane—” I rambled, “and her invisible boyfriend to dinner.” I stood up again, my nerves making it impossible to sit still, despite Jenna’s disapproving look. “Sorry! I can’t help it! Then the boyfriend bailed. God, I feel so guilty for even talking about her like this after everything she’s been through.”

  Jenna was silent, letting me ramble as she took it all in. She didn’t tell me I was crazy, which was unexpected.

  “Invisible?”

  “I’ve never met him. I wonder if he’s just made up.”

  “Ryan feels responsible, and like you, he is probably full of guilt. You, of all people, know how compassionate he is. He told Aaron how extensive her injuries were,” she stated simply. “If you want to put it into perspective, she didn’t save his life any more than he saved hers.”

  “I know, but she wouldn’t have needed saving if she hadn’t done what she did. That’s why I feel so horrible! I should be bending over backwards for her, but I’m just so… damn jealous! I’m married to him, and I know you’re right about everything you just said,” I looked down at her, wringing my hands, “but, I’m still so freaking jealous, I can’t see straight.”

  Jenna smirked at me. “Jules, Ryan is so Goddamn charming he can’t even help himself, and when he’s really trying to be nice, any female within 100 yards falls down panting. That poor thing doesn’t stand a chance in hell. You should feel doubly sorry for her,” she said in her best deadpan.

  Logically, I knew Jen was right, so why did my heart feel like it was on fire? I folded one arm across my body as I absently chewed the thumbnail of my other hand.

  “Maybe she saved his life; maybe not. You don’t know what would have happened.”

  I looked away from the window, over my shoulder at Jenna. “Oh, come on. I know that those thugs threatened Ryan when he refused to stop trying to save that kid. There was a scuffle, and one of them came at Ryan and Jane stepped in the way and took the knife full in her gut.” I shivered just thinking about it. “She had to have a hysterectomy. And, she’s young, Jenna. I can’t imagine being faced without the prospect of babies.”

  Jenna was leaning nonchalantly back in her chair, but my words made her straighten up and her face to turn serious. “Yeah, it sucks, Jules, but it wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t Ryan’s, either. She made the choice to intercede.”

  “I know, but Jenna, if I’d lost him…” I could feel the burning as my eyes began to tear. “I am grateful, but I’m beginning to resent her, and I’m so pissed at myself for that. This morning, just before Ryan left, she paged him at six o’clock in the morning. Paged him! I just… I can’t help it! We haven’t gone for coffee in a month,” I ranted, once again pacing the room. “Our time together is so short, I don’t want to miss out on a second of it. When we do see each other, most of our time is spent in bed. I’m selfish, I guess.”

  “You’re complaining because he’s making love to you too much?”

  “Of course not. I mean, it’s amazing, and we’re so close in those moments, but I want to hear about his day, spend time just being with him. I miss the best friend part of us.”

  “I guess you did spend four years just talking. I can see that you’d be feeling like that. Have you told Ryan any of this?” Jenna’s voice and eyes were rock steady.

  I huffed. “No. We don’t talk, as I said, plus I feel like an idiot.”

  “This is what I know. One: Ryan would want to know how you feel; two: it’s not the first time some twit has woven some baseless romantic fantasy around him which, by the way, he never even notices; and, three: your ass is coming with me! Nothing like some retail therapy to make you stop feeling sorry for yourself.” She stood and began to shrug back into her coat. When I didn’t move, she paused and looked at me. “What the hell are you still standing there for? Get your coat and let’s go!”

  I rubbed roughly at my right temple. “I can’t. I have to work. I have too much to do.”

  “Wrong answer.”

  I stared blankly at her, the prospect of shopping didn’t sound like a lot of fun since Ryan and I had decided to take it easy on Christmas gifts, but if I was being honest, there was no work getting done today. I shook my head, shrugging. “Andrea!” I called.

  “Yeah, boss?” Her perky red head popped around the corner within seconds; a cheeky grin spread across her face.

  The door was still halfway open and she must have been hovering just outside.

  “That was fast.” I glared at her. “This feels like an ambush.”

  Jenna’s partner-in-crime bounce
d into the room. “Yep. Your schedule’s been freed up. And, um…” she cleared her throat, “I was hoping I could tag along?” she suggested hopefully, tongue in cheek. I just stared at her, waiting for the explanation I felt would soon tumble from her lips. I cocked an eyebrow when she hemmed and hawed around. “When Jenna called, I made sure to get everything finished. The guest list has been approved, and I’ve placed the invitation order with the engravers. The art department is expecting the layout on Monday. We can finish it up tomorrow. So can we go?” Mischief sparkled in her dark blue eyes as she retrieved the jacket to my black wool crepe suit and passed it to me. Obediently, I shrugged my long cashmere coat on without a word.

  RYAN~

  It was midnight when I finally dragged my ass through the door to our apartment. My stomach rumbled uncomfortably, and I hoped I’d find something to eat without making too much noise. Surely, Julia would be asleep by now. It was Thursday. I had Saturday off, and I’d taken an early shift tomorrow so I could surprise Julia. I hoped to hell Jane wouldn’t find out. I had pangs of guilt on both fronts. The past month, I’d barely spoken to my wife.

  My stomach made another angry grumble. The leftovers that Julia packed should have been enough for both lunch and dinner, but I couldn’t say no when Jane asked to share the delicious steak sandwiches. When she sat with cafeteria lasagna in front of her and looked longingly at the pile of deliciousness in front of me, I couldn’t refuse. It was self-preservation as well, I told myself, as I carried Jane’s meal to the trash before getting a clean plate and filling it with half of my food. That lasagna smelled like shit, which could ruin my enjoyment of my lunch. However, when dinner rolled around, I was left with nothing more than a bag of Oreos from the vending machine. I needed to work out badly and had every intention of spending thirty minutes at the building gym before showering and falling into bed. If only I wasn’t so fucking exhausted, and my shoulder didn’t ache so much.

  I was glad to get Julia’s call that Jenna was in town and thankful she would have company over dinner. Truth be told, I missed Jenna’s smartass remarks and Aaron’s presence at work. Caleb, Kari and Jane were my friends, but it wasn’t the same as Aaron and Jenna. The time in Boston when Julia was recovering brought us all even closer, and I missed having them around.