Mad Mad Love ~ The Remembrance Trilogy: Complete Box Set Holiday Edition

by Kahlen Aymes

  Suddenly, Ryan rolled over and pinned me down, cupping both sides of my face with his hands, his thumbs brushing my cheekbones roughly, and then one raked over my lower lip. His eyes were still teary, but his expression was stern.

  “When were you planning to tell me you were pregnant?”

  My mouth fell open in a surprised gasp, and Ryan’s eyes widened with mine.

  “Was that the only reason you were coming home?” he asked sadly. “How long have you known?”

  “Ryan, no! I was coming home because I couldn’t stand another minute away from you.” My fingers traced down his cheek to the stubble on his chin. “I can’t breathe when we’re apart.” My eyes searched his for some spark of belief, the blue depths as deep and dark as the ocean. “I was packing, yes, but I only just discovered it Friday evening. I’ve been throwing up, but I thought it was just because I’ve been so miserable and crying so much. I’d already made the decision to come home. Everything hurt, and I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.”

  Ryan scowled down at me, but happiness shone in his eyes, his mouth twitched on one corner.

  “Don’t be mad.” I pouted playfully, running a finger down the side of his face and then his lower lip. “I’m very happy about the baby, but it wasn’t the reason I was coming home. You’re the only reason I do anything.” A tremulous smile tugged at my lips as I watched love soften his handsome features. I moved my hand up to brush the soft stubble that darkened his strong jaw. “I love you so much.”

  Ryan’s big hand continued to stroke my cheek and brow as I waited for his response. Emotions flowed over his beautiful face: love, pride, pain. “I love you, too. I can’t stand it if you don’t know how much.”

  Ryan’s mouth finally found mine in a tender kiss, his open mouth playing with mine. I lifted my face to his, hungry and wanting his tongue to pillage and plunder, to take what I wanted so much to give. His hands grazed the sides of my breasts, then one went around my back and the other slid to my abdomen, just below my waist. A shuddering sigh left him, and I threaded the fingers of both hands at his nape.

  “Promise me you know,” he demanded softly.

  “I promise.” My heart constricted and then exploded. “How did you know about the baby? I haven’t told a single person… except Andrea.”

  Ryan’s lips lifted in a half smile. “She didn’t tell me. I know you; every nuance of your body. Your breasts were firm before but now they’re like bouncy balls. And your nipples are slightly bigger and more plumped up.” He grinned and moved to my side, letting his hand brush down my stomach, below my navel, before tenderly splaying his hand as I burst out laughing at his words.

  He bent his head and kissed the top swell of one breast, brushing his chin over the nipple playfully, the soft bristles puckering the tender flesh. “I can’t wait to watch you bloom with our baby. You’re so beautiful,” he whispered the worshiping words, and I’d never felt more cherished.

  My fingers wound in his hair as I arched beneath his mouth, wanting more, wanting to show him how much he meant to me. “I should have known I couldn’t fool you, Matthews,” I teased. My expression sobered. “But I wasn’t really trying to.”

  “I know. I saw the picture in the magazine when I bought it for Louie, but I refused to read the article. I thought you’d taken that job for God knew how long.” Ryan brushed his nose against mine. “I was afraid to hope it was for me.”

  “Ryan,” I said softly. “I thought my reason was transparent. Even Mike, figured out that it was to let you know where I was. It was the first thing we did here. I hoped… you’d come after me.”

  “That’s nuts! I told you I’d come for you the day you left. You said you didn’t want me!”

  “I didn’t then. I was trying to figure out a way to accept Jane. But two days later, I was taking that photo on the bridge, Ryan. Because, I couldn’t bear to be away from you and I wanted you to find me. But, you waited for weeks. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

  Ryan studied me, his beautiful smile fading to a serious look as the seconds ticked by. “I was pissed as hell and hurting. I wanted to punish you back, but then something happened that made me realize I was taking the biggest risk of my life by not coming after you.” I cocked my head to look up at him and his fingers brushed my cheek. “I need to tell you this, baby.” His fingers threaded through mine as he looked down into my face.

  I frowned. “Is it going to hurt me? If so, I don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter.”

  “I don’t want it to hurt, but I have to tell you, even if it does, sweetheart. We can’t have any secrets between us.”

  “Okay,” I sighed, bracing myself for what was to come. Ryan’s hand tightened on mine.

  “I was going crazy, and I was so pissed because you left and wouldn’t tell me where you were. When I figured it out, I was pissed that you took the job, and that would probably mean we were over. I couldn’t sleep, and I was eating like shit. I was living on energy drinks to keep me awake at work, but I was starting to lose it. I was shaky and snapping at everyone; I could barely function. When I almost dosed someone the wrong meds, Dr. Jameson finally prescribed sleeping pills and insisted I go home and take a few days off. He could have kicked me out of the program.”

  I turned my face into his neck and leaned my forehead on his shoulder. “Ryan,” I breathed. “I’m sorry. Oh, my God!”

  Ryan’s lips brushed my temple. “Babe, let me get this out.”

  I lifted up on my elbows just enough to look into his eyes and frowned. Anxiety forced my heart to thud painfully, and the trepidation in Ryan’s expression didn’t help.

  “I hated the apartment,” he pressed on. “You were everywhere, and I couldn’t stand being there without you. I could still smell you in the bedroom. I could smell us together, and I couldn’t take it. So, I took the pills at the hospital and went to one of the on-call rooms.”

  I remembered that room well and could see where this was going. I struggled to get up, suddenly wanting to be free, but Ryan refused to let me escape.

  “Jane came to you.” It was statement. I knew it already.

  “Yes. You were right about her. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what she was capable of.”

  “I told you!”

  “I know. I should’ve listened.”

  My throat tightened up again and my eyes burned, anger and jealousy turning me inside out. “What did she do?” I demanded.

  “I thought I was dreaming. We were still at Stanford, I told you how I really felt, and we made love. I was aching for you and so desperate to believe that you were with me. I needed just a moment without the constant ache I’d been feeling for weeks. She wore your perfume… I thought she was you.”

  “Oh, God!” I struggled more forcefully as the pictures of Jane making love to my husband started playing in my head. I felt claustrophobic, like an animal clawing to be free of a trap. “Let me up, Ryan!”

  “No!”

  “Please, don’t tell me anymore,” I begged and gave up fighting, turning my face away and struggling not to cry. I didn’t want this to matter, but it did. So much. “Please, I don’t want the picture painted in my head.” But it was too late.

  “Julia. For God’s sake! Look at me.”

  “How far did she go?” I demanded. I didn’t want to know, but now, I had to.

  “I was half asleep, babe.”

  “Did she get you off? Did she get off on you?”

  “Honey, stop.”

  “Did she?” I asked painfully.

  “No, I didn’t come. I don’t know if she did or not! We were fully clothed, honey. She kissed me, but that’s all that happened. I told you, I was half asleep, and it doesn’t even matter!” His voice was low and urgent, laced with desperation of its own. “The minute I realized she wasn’t you, I stopped her, Julia! I shoved her to the floor and told her to get the fuck away from me! She knows we can’t even be friends, now.”

  I couldn’t move, but I tried. All I could think a
bout was Jane on top of my husband, rubbing all over him, and moaning his name. Even if they had clothes on, it wasn’t something I could bear thinking about. I pushed against him again, but Ryan still had my arms pinned down and his leg flung over both of mine.

  “No! You will stay still and listen!” He shook me gently. “You are my life! Look into my eyes! You know it’s always been you since the moment we met! It will always be you!”

  My chest was heaving and tears burned the back of my eyes, my whole body shaking with my grief. He didn’t deserve my anger. I was to blame for leaving him, but still it hurt like hell to hear that another woman tried to seduce my husband. I struggled to push the words out. “It’s all… muh… my fault! It happened because I left.”

  Gentle fingers pushed my hair back and traced the side of my face, and Ryan kissed me gently as I tried not to cry. “Oh, baby, no, it isn’t. It’s mine, too. You shouldn’t have left without talking to me, but I shouldn’t have let Jane come between us in the first place. I let my guilt get out of hand. I didn’t want to believe anything bad about her, and I closed my eyes to what it was doing to you because I assumed you’d know we were solid. It never crossed my mind you’d actually think I could want anyone else. You were laughing just a second ago, so stop crying, baby. It’s over.”

  He kissed me harder, his tongue invading my mouth and teasing mine into play. I wound my arms tightly around his shoulders, and pulled his mouth closer. “I’m still sorry,” I whispered against his mouth.

  “Me, too. I went home, determined to find you. I stopped being a stubborn ass and called your office. Andrea texted back and I told her I was coming to Paris. Then, she told me about the café’ and how you’d probably be there on Sunday.”

  I closed my eyes and turned my face into the strong column of Ryan’s neck. “I went every Sunday.” I couldn’t seem to stop the stupid tears, and Ryan’s arms tightened in understanding. His hand stroked down my back, smoothing my hair over my skin.

  “I love you, baby. I did that on Sundays too. But, why was Turner with you?”

  “We were meeting for coffee to say goodbye, and I wanted the finals from the bridge shoot. I wanted a close-up of our lock so I could frame it and keep it forever.” Talking about it made me relive the emotions of the day I’d placed it on the bridge and the pain I felt not having him with me. “But I left it there.”

  Ryan’s eyes were glassy when he nodded. “It’s okay. We’ll fix it. He can send another one.”

  “Did you read the article?”

  “Yeah. I bought another copy and read it on the subway. I couldn’t reconcile how you could do that for us, when you believed I was letting Jane get between us.”

  “Because, even if she separated us… in my heart, you were still mine.”

  “We’re so fucked up, baby girl. All this could have been avoided.”

  All I could do was nod.

  “When I pulled that suitcase down and found that picture… I cried like a baby. It’s incredible.” His hand smoothed over my stomach again. “And, here he is, like a miracle. We’re going to be okay, my love. We’re going to be better than okay, I promise. This shit is never going to happen again, okay?”

  “Okay.” I blinked and reached up to flutter my fingers along his jaw. “Ryan, make love to me again and this time… I want you to come.”

  He smirked and rolled onto his back, pulling me with him so I straddled him, my legs resting outside his thighs. “Yes, ma’am.”

  My fingers wound in his hair and our mouths hovered together, now so serious. His hand pulled my hips against his, and I could feel his hardness.

  “I don’t want to wait,” I breathed.

  He slid into me, pulling me flush against him so he was buried to the hilt inside me. “Then don’t wait.”

  His delicious breath brushed my face, and his lower lip bumped and nudged the top one of mine, until finally, after what felt like eternity, his mouth crashed over mine. The kisses were passionate, giving and taking, as our hips rocked together.

  I gasped, feeling my entire body start to tingle. “Ryan, I love you.”

  “I love you, and you’re mine. You belong with me.”

  RYAN~

  She was so damn beautiful. I watched Julia from the next seat, my hand resting warmly on her leg beneath the blanket. She was sleeping peacefully, leaning on the closed window shade with her Stanford hoodie bunched up behind her head. I yawned, covering my mouth with my hand. I was looking forward to our bed. I hadn’t wanted to be there in six weeks but now the proposition was glorious.

  Julia and I had been exhausted from the days and nights apart, but our lovemaking couldn’t be denied after our reunion. We stayed a few days in Paris, running around the city, putting the lock on the fence and leaving it there, Julia running around the Louvre to show me all the great works that mattered to her. Last night, we went up the Eiffel Tower. As glorious as the days had been, the nights were even better. We couldn’t get enough of each other and made love several times a night. We were paying for it now, but it was so worth it.

  Undoubtedly, she had to feel exhausted all the time now anyway. Growing a baby surely had to take a lot out of her, and I should have been more considerate by making sure she rested more. But, it was technically our honeymoon, and once we touched, there was no holding back.

  I sucked in a deep breath, filling my lungs to capacity. I was finally whole now that I had Julia beside me again, and the prospect of our baby was a bonus. I could, literally, feel tenderness fill me up as I looked upon the woman next to me. I was truly blessed.

  The flight attendant paused on her way past and laughed at my expression. My smile widened. I didn’t give a fuck what she thought about the sappy look on my face; I was happy as hell!

  “Do you need anything? Perhaps some wine?”

  “Sure. Red, please. Do you have Merlot?”

  “What about your companion?” she nodded in my wife’s direction.

  “My wife can’t have alcohol; we’re expecting our first baby,” I announced happily. It was the first time I’d said it out loud to someone else, and it felt miraculous.

  “Congratulations. How about some apple juice?”

  “She prefers orange, if you have it.”

  By the time I’d placed the juice on her tray table, Julia began to stir. Her eyes fluttered open slowly.

  “Flight attendants drooling all over you, hmmm?”

  I glanced over and was met with bright green eyes and a brilliant smile.

  I grinned again. “Who?”

  “Uh huh, whatever,” Julia grunted as she pushed herself into a sitting position and picked up her juice.

  She was so cute. I chuckled and squeezed her thigh, leaning over to place an open-mouthed kiss on her lips. “Mmm, you taste so good.”

  “Flattery will get you everywhere.” She smiled and nudged my shoulder with hers.

  “I’m counting on it.” I leaned into her and took her hand in mine, bringing it up to brush my lips against her knuckles, and she laid her head on my shoulder. We couldn’t stop touching each other, but I wasn’t complaining. Julia put on a brave face about Jane, but it would kill her to think of me working beside her day after day. I knew that I couldn’t stand it if Turner had really tried to have her. If he’d touched her in the way Jane had touched me, I’d want to kill him. There was no way in hell I’d stand by quietly while Julia saw him every day after something like that.

  “Turner didn’t try anything while you were in Paris, did he?” My eyes met hers and didn’t flinch. After what I’d shared our first night back together, I hardly had the right to ask, but I had to know.

  She shook her head slowly. “No. He, um… he’s actually become a good friend. He admitted to me that he had hopes in my direction in the past, but after photographing our wedding, he knew it was a lost cause. He told me to get my ass back where I belonged. He’s got his eye on Andrea. She can’t see it. It’s sort of hilarious.”

  My eyebrows shot up.
I was skeptical. “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.” She scrunched her nose at me. “What brought that on?”

  “This whole thing. I emailed Dr. Jameson this morning and told him I was leaving St. Vincent’s.”

  Julia’s back stiffened as she sat up straighter. “What? Why? Ryan, you’ll have to start your residency all over again!”

  “So what? I refuse to put you through the pain of having me around Jane every day.”

  Her head cocked to one side, and she relaxed, her expression filling with love and incredulousness. “Are you certain?”

  “Yes. You,” I rubbed my thumb over the back of her hand over and over in a gentle caress and reached over with my other hand to press it to her still flat tummy, “and, this, are all that matter to me now.”

  “I already love you more than I can stand. You have to stop or I’ll explode.”

  I leaned back in the leather seat. “Yeah, I know.” I flashed a brilliant smile and winked at her. She giggled and smoothed the blanket on her lap.

  “I will explode.” She laughed softly and put a hand on her belly. “Literally.”

  “You’ll be gorgeous.” I reached out and brushed her chin with my index finger.

  She’d taken the week off to play in Paris, except for Monday afternoon, and I hadn’t questioned her. She was coming home with me, and I just figured she would resume her old position. If not, plenty of magazines would want to hire her. I wasn’t sweating it.

  “So, I guess we’re both unemployed.”

  “What?” I asked in surprise.

  “Yeah. I quit Vogue.” She seemed at ease with what would have been a major crisis a few weeks ago.

  “You did? Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “I was afraid you’d feel like it was your fault.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “When I wanted to come home. I told Meredith that I couldn’t stand being away from you. Even though she saw how it was killing me, she refused to let me go home. She laughed it off and said she’d have me home before for a measly visit in a month and that was the end of the discussion. So I quit. This whole fucked-up mess has taught me that no job is worth being away from you or risking what’s between us. It looks like we both made the same call.”