Facing Redemption

by Kimberly McKay

  Anne slowed her breathing down and sighed. She was tired of crying. Suck it up Anne! She took one final, strong breath before continuing. “I had an unexpected evening off. I called him to do something spontaneous … ya know – because we always have our busy schedules to contend with. My restaurant and his teaching duties...” She ended with a bitter note.

  “Yes.”

  “Well I called him, and heard her in the background, giggling. And he made some lame excuse that he had given a student some extra credit and she was just dropping by with her work. Yeah right.” Anne scoffed.

  “Whoa. Are you sure? I mean…”

  “Come on Chastity. Give me some credit. I know Brent! He sounded guilty and it was way too late in the evening to be entertaining students unless he was entertaining students.”

  “Wow.” Chastity paused. “I’m so sorry sweetie.”

  “And ever since then he’s been sending flowers and calling. Yesterday he stopped by the café with a gorgeously wrapped box. Jim made him leave. Chastity, Brent’s not letting me breath. He’s not letting me go. And it makes it even harder.”

  “Well it’s obvious he wants to have his cake and eat it too.”

  “Really?”

  “Sorry…bad analogy. So what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. It’s not just that. There’s more. I see how you’re glowing…”

  “Look, I’m sorry Anne.”

  “No.” Anne reassured. “You’re allowed to be happy. But it’s finding all your new family that has me aching.”

  “I know. You miss your parents. I’m so sorry. I know you must be really missing them at a time like this.”

  “It’s not just that. I mean – yes, I do. I always will. But there’s more … more that I haven’t told you. You don’t know me Chastity, and I’m afraid I’m about to let you down. And with all you’ve shared with me about your past. I’ve not been honest with you. That’s why I haven’t called you with my recent boy issues because I’ve been feeling the brunt of all the other information I’ve not been honest with you about. I didn’t feel it was fair to unload on you when you don’t really know everything about me. You’re my best friend…you’re all I’ve got.”

  Chastity quickly interrupted, “Then let me be yours.”

  Anne sat still and quietly said, “I feel like I’ve lied to you. And for a while it wasn’t a big deal because I was running from my past, but after you discovered yours and were so up front with all your good, bad, and ugly … it’s been eating away at me that I’ve not been completely honest with you.”

  “Sweetie, I know enough about you. I know you lost your parents in a horrible crash. I know you have a younger sister, whom I’ve never met, but that you love.”

  “You’ve never met her because we’re estranged - sort of.”

  “Okay. So your recent heartbreak is reopening some wounds then?” Chastity said clairvoyantly.

  “You could say so.” Anne nodded, just now realizing that herself.

  “What happened?”

  “Okay. Here goes. Just know that I didn’t tell you any of this because I didn’t want to be a part of any of it. I wasn’t trying to being deceitful or dishonest.”

  “Nothing you say could change what I think of you!” Chastity stressed.

  “Okay – here goes. After my parents died, it was hard. We were so young. I thought we’d be orphaned and split up, but family stepped forward to gain custody that I wasn’t even aware we had.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, it was my mother’s parents. Have you heard names Andrew and Lilah Aundine?”

  “Who hasn’t? They hold interests in about six different companies and have a huge home in the Hamptons?”

  Anne sighed. “That would be my grand-parents.”

  Chastity choked. “What? Your mom is the missing heiress?”

  “Yes. She defied their wishes and married a commoner instead of someone they’d hand picked for her. They chose a man who would have brought another millionaire branch to the tree, and instead of marrying for status, my mom rebelled, ran off, and married for love.”

  “Oh my gosh! And you knew none of this before your parents’ death?”

  “No. Once was my mother married – I guess she tried to mend fences. She thought they’d eventually accept my father. But my grandmother disowned her and swept it all under the rug. She let the media think she ran off and was never heard from again. After that, she never spoke to her parents or siblings again.”

  “So how’d they know about you and your sister?”

  “Oh my grandmother Lilah is one controlling piece of work. She kept tabs on my mom, and us. Even though she was mortified we were from common blood, we were still family – just family that was swept under the rug. I think it was her way to make sure we didn’t make any trouble for her and the family. She watched from a distance to make sure we kept our distance so that no one could tie us to them.”

  “I had no idea. ”

  “I didn’t either.”

  “So why would they claim you after all that?”

  “I don’t know. Part of me feels it made her look good in the spotlight. Lady Aundine saved her orphaned grandkids from starvation. She was doing her civic duty I guess.”

  “Come on. She can’t be that heartless?”

  Anne half laughed. “You have no idea. We went from being devastated by our parents’ death, to being swept up into the center of an elite spotlight. We were forced to take etiquette classes, taught how to walk, and instructed on what was proper to speak of. And our parents were on the taboo list. We weren’t allowed to speak of them at all. It was so hard. As kids, all we wanted to do was have our parents back and then we weren’t even allowed to remember them.” Anne sighed. “I, of course, rebelled. My sister, who was too young to understand, took any comfort she could find. I don’t blame her really. She was a baby. And that comfort came in the form of my grandmother’s guidance.”

  “So you were the rebellious side of your mother, a reminder of the betrayal. And your sister allowed herself to be molded, like your grandmother wished her daughter would have.”

  “Exactly. So as we grew up - Grace was the socialite and I was the black sheep my grandmother swept into the shadows.”

  “Grace Aundine? That’s your sister? I knew her name was Grace, but always assumed it was Grace LaSal!”

  “Well, it was until my sister and I were adopted by our grandparents. When I turned eighteen, I legally changed it back from Aundine to LaSal.” Anne paused. “Whew!” She started tearing up again. “I’ve never told anyone about this. I just changed my name, moved out for college, and never looked back … with the exception of trying to stay in touch with my sister.”

  “And she’s upset with you why?”

  “She feels I deserted her, like our parents. I left, changed my name, and then my grandmother took over with her input.”

  “Which leaves Grace to be manipulated further against you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Sweetie. I’m so sorry. What about your grandfather? I’ve only heard you mention Lilah.”

  “He loved us and our mom in his own way, but Lilah is very strong willed. He knew better than to tangle with her, but the day before I left he came to me. He told me he knew I was a good girl and he’d opened an account for me without Lilah’s knowledge … so I wouldn’t hurt for anything.”

  “So that’s how you bought your restaurant?”

  “No. I had some life insurance money from my parents, which I’d invested throughout college. After graduation, I had enough to buy my business. I haven’t touched the account my grandfather opened for me.”

  “You what? Why not?”

  “I haven’t resolved what to do with any of that yet. It just sits there. And I let it. I figure its guilt money. I’m not saying I won’t use it. I just haven’t yet. I’m more concerned with reaching my sister. I call her every week or text her with no avail.” Anne paused. “So are you mad at me?”
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  “Mad? No! I’m mad for you! I can’t believe what you’ve endured. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and for standing on your own!”

  “I feel like I’m in a pit and I can’t get out. I’m so tired Chastity, of being let down.” Anne sobbed silently for a few seconds.

  “I know. I know. Shhh. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to come home in a couple of days and I’ll come straight over. We’re going to go out, do some shopping, and have girl’s night out. Okay? Would that cheer you up?”

  “Yeah, maybe. At this point it is an effort to put one foot in front of the other. Cherish what you have Chaz. Life goes by so quickly and can change in the blink of an eye. I know you said you want nothing to do with your dad, but I don’t know if I could do it. Even with his checkered past, if I had someone that loved me and was truly sorry, I’d want to figure out how that would work.”

  Chastity looked over at her purse, where the stack of letters sat inside. “I know.” She nodded her head. “Listen, I’ll call you when I get back. Okay?”

  Anne said her goodbyes and hung up. Even in the midst of despair, she was glad she was finally honest with Chastity. It felt good to have finally shared her past with someone.

  Chastity put her phone back on the charger, and stared a hole in her purse for the next thirty minutes.

  “Enough.” She said to herself and quietly walked over to retrieve it. She sat the bag next to her on the bed and took a deep breath. Closing her eyes, she felt as much trepidation as one that was about to go down a path they knew was bad for them. The anxieties balled up in her chest like a knot, making her feel as if she would vomit.

  Slowly she dug down in the middle of her purse and felt a small stack of envelopes. She pulled the first one out and opened the back. After pulling the letter out of the envelope, she gently unfolded it and sat it in her lap.

  “I can’t believe I’m about to do this. I don’t even have a bottle of wine,” she murmured to herself. “It’s now or never.” The same tight penmanship greeted her.

  Dear Chastity,

  I’ve often sat wondering how you’re doing, and wonder what it would be like to talk to you in person. Don’t worry. I won’t cross that bridge unless it’s something you’re ready for. I know if you’re ever going to trust me that it has to be on your terms. I can’t force it, or it wouldn’t be genuine. It wouldn’t be a true relationship. Not that I expect that.

  My deepest desire is to someday know you, but I know that’s a far stretch.

  Lately I’m dealing with daddy issues myself. I flew into visit him last week, and of course due to his Alzheimer’s, he didn’t recognize me. It’s sad to see him in that state, but almost a relief as I can spend time with him without the pressure of feeling like a failure in his eyes. That’s what my life consisted of – being the kid who always let him down. By the time I was 15, I just accepted it as a fact, that no matter what I did he would see me as his screwed up kid. So I made the choice to be that kid, the one he could count on to make wrong choices.

  I was the child, who was his cross to bear in life and began to embrace it, because at least I got some show of emotion from him. Although it was anger, at least it wasn’t apathy.

  Now I know, looking back, it wasn’t about me; it was about him and his heartbreaks that didn’t allow him to love me. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy for it. I’m just stating the facts. Through counseling - I’ve had to learn to put myself in his shoes, and imagine what life was like for him.

  If I lost Andie, who’s now about to deliver our first child, I don’t know if I could make it without her. I do know that I’d still love my baby girl though. I’d never put her through what I lived through, but I can’t expect the almighty Jackson Mikale to live his life like I would expect a loving father too. Maybe it just wasn’t in him. Maybe he was doing the best with what he had.

  Oh by the way, I didn’t mean to drop a bombshell on you, but you’re about to become a big sister. I’m not writing this to use it in any way against you. I’m not trying to manipulate you into coming to see me…us. I just thought you’d like to know. She’s due in a five months, and we’re naming her Lanie, after my wife’s grandmother. I thought about Marilyn, after my own mother, but I never knew her or have any fond memories to share about her.

  We want our daughter to have a happy history behind her name and want to be able to share memories of her namesake with her. I want to do everything right with and by her. Knowing I’m about to be a dad again scares the daylights out of me. I know I’m going to be as overprotective as they come.

  As I sign off from this letter, I pray that it reaches you. We may not be having real conversations, but in my head as I write these – I’m talking to you. And I hope reaching out to you someday makes a difference, and that someday you’ll give me a chance – even if it’s a small one.

  All the best – your father,

  John

  Chastity sat dumbfounded. The last time she read one of John’s letters it was met with rage and anger – at her for reading it and at her father for writing it. This time she sat in absolute wonder. I’m going to be a big sister.

  Her heart felt like it would explode and she couldn’t believe what she just read. Quickly she scanned the letter again to make sure it was real. Forget the fact that her dad was trying to change, that she could almost obtain. She was stuck on the amazing fact that a part of her was about to be born, and it caused the most unusual feeling she’d ever experienced.

  Chastity didn’t even hear Timothy unlocking the door with his card key. When he stepped through the door, all he saw was her head down reading the letter. When she lifted her eyes up to meet his, they were filled with amazement.

  Timothy quickly crossed the floor and fell to his knees in front of her. He placed his hands on her legs and searched her face.

  “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He desperately asked.

  Chastity shook her head and smiled. “It’s been a day.” She lifted a hand and wiped a tear that escaped down her cheek. “I’ve discovered a lot of things I never knew about Anne – and that’s a totally different story. But now there’s this …” She held up the letter.

  “Another letter from John? Oh honey, I should have been here … I’m sorry. If I’d known you were going to read …”

  Chastity quickly cut in. “It’s okay.” She tilted her head and slightly frowned. “Did I just say that?”

  “Yes.” Timothy slowly let go of the air he was holding in his chest. “So you’re not spiraling downward into some oblivion right now?”

  “No.” She confirmed. She sat up and slowly smiled. “In fact – I’m going to be a big sister.”

  Chapter 30

  John sat mid session, with his counselor, wondering if anything would ever change. He still felt the guilt, and the closer it was got to his wife’s due date, the more it grew.

  “It’s like I’m afraid to be happy because it’s too good to be true.” John leaned forward in his chair and admitted, “And I don’t know if I deserve any of it. I mean I’ve been blessed with a wonderful woman and now we’re having a child. And to top it off, my brother has decided to make contact … real contact.”

  “That’s wonderful news John,” Leo exclaimed. “When did this happen?”

  “A few days ago. He called me at work to sort a few things out that he’d read in my letters.”

  “And how did he get the letters?”

  “Chastity decided against reading the rest of them after opening the first one I wrote her. She sent them all back to Jesse for keeping.”

  “That’s good news!”

  “What? How is my daughter rejecting me good news?”

  “If she wanted nothing to do with you, she would have burned the letters. The fact she saved them and sent them back to Jesse, means she knows they’re still hers to read when she comes around to it.”

  “You think so Leo?”

  Leo beamed. “This is progress for the both of you, and obvi
ously it has helped mend a bridge for you and your brother.”

  “Maybe.” John said skeptically. John could almost see his therapist patting himself on the back. “I just hope she knows someday that I’ve changed. It’s okay if we don’t have a relationship. I know not to hope for that. I just want to know I have her forgiveness.”

  “John, do you forgive yourself?” Leo asked the same question every session.

  “I don’t know. I know I’m not the same person. I know I would change what happened if I could. I know I would never repeat the same behavior. I don’t know if I forgive the pain and hurt I’ve caused.” John said soberly.

  “John, take this week to focus on the fact that forgiveness starts with you. Your brother is obviously open to mending the hurt you’ve both experienced, and he’s aware of your past. That’s a big step. Be happy in that John. You need to start living in today, in the joys of the moment instead of beating yourself up for your past. You can’t move forward without letting go of the past.”

  John nodded in agreement, and knew what Leo said was true. He looked to the clock and knew their session was coming to an end. Each time he came, he left exhausted. It truly was work in sorting out your emotions and past experiences. This was probably the hardest thing he’d done that he could remember. It was harder than basic training. Facing himself and looking in the mirror left him completely vulnerable, which was something he didn’t like. I owe it to my family to be a better me. I owe it to my daughters and my wife. And I hate every second of divulging how I feel to a stranger.

  John knew Leo wasn’t a stranger anymore. He knew John more intimately than anyone else. He actually even kind of liked his therapist. Leo was a kind-hearted man who really wanted to make a difference in John’s life. John had noticed a Bible sitting on his desk at every session.

  “What’s going on in there?” Leo asked pointing to John’s head.

  “My wife, Andie, is a strong Christian. It blows me away that she chose me of all people, even knowing my past. She loves me after everything I’ve done.”