Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  Raphael: Do you ever feel so lost you don’t know what’s up or down any longer?

  It seemed like a rather odd thing for him to text me out of the blue, but he’d actually reached out to me. The bartender set my drink down. I paid, wondering how to respond to Raphael. I picked up my drink but didn’t walk back over to the bowling lane. Instead, I stood at the bar staring at the message like it would give me an answer. My palm felt sweaty as I held my phone tighter in it.

  What is an appropriate response? Jesus, why am I overthinking this?

  Jonah: Yes.

  It seemed stupid to only give him a one-word reply, however, it was the truth. Some days I didn’t know what to do with myself. Life had got a lot more difficult for me when my dad passed. It forced me to confront a lot of things. I couldn’t hide who I was any longer. Life was too short. I’d come out at school and it made things way more complicated than they should be.

  Raphael: Duke just cried all over my shoulder. It made me feel so…

  Jonah: So what?

  Raphael: Alone. Like I have no one to talk to. Then I felt shit. It’s selfish of me to whine about my lot when he has it worse.

  Jonah: It’s not a competition.

  Raphael: I don’t want to burden him or my parents.

  I sipped my drink. Every part of me wanted to reach out through the phone and give him what he needed. An outlet. He suffered as I did. I locked away my own pain to allow me to take care of my sister. Raphael was, in essence, doing the same thing for his brother.

  Jonah: Would you believe me if I told you I know how that feels?

  Raphael: Yes.

  Jonah: The offer still stands if you need someone.

  “Jonah, are you coming back to the game?” Olive’s voice registered with me.

  Raphael: Are you busy right now?

  I looked up at Olive. Technically I was but being here wasn’t exactly fun for me.

  Jonah: I have time for you.

  You… are… so fucking stupid.

  Raphael: Come to mine? Can go for a walk.

  Was I really doing this? Ditching my friends for someone I barely knew but who I inexplicably wanted to help.

  Jonah: Be there in twenty.

  Yes, yes I was.

  I downed my drink, popping it back on the bar. Olive was still waiting for my response with a raised eyebrow.

  “I have to go… it’s Meredith, she needs me.”

  Lying to Olive made my stomach roil in protest. I only felt worse when her eyes softened.

  “Oh no, is she okay?”

  I shook my head.

  “She’s upset and wants me to come home. I’m really sorry, Olive. We can do something on Sunday maybe… you, me and Teddy?”

  She reached out and squeezed my arm.

  “Of course, go be with your sister. I’ll text you and we can have brunch, maybe.”

  Did you really just use your sister as an excuse to flake out on your friends to go see Raphael?

  I gave Olive a tight smile.

  “Sure, brunch sounds good.”

  “Let me know how she is later, yeah? I’ll tell the others.”

  Olive gave me one last squeeze and walked back towards the lanes. I went to exchange my shoes back and then left, feeling like a shit friend. Why couldn’t I have been honest and told her the real reason I wanted to leave? Raphael was an excuse for me to get away from the crowds of people who’d turned up to this.

  And you want to know what’s going on with him.

  Clearly, I had more issues with trusting people with who I was inside than I realised. And I was beginning to think maybe I needed someone to talk to as well.

  Chapter Six

  I sent Raphael a text to let him know I was outside considering I didn’t know how he’d feel about me ringing the doorbell. Who knew if he would answer it, or one of his parents. I’m not sure he wanted them or anyone knowing he was going to see me. It didn’t bother me either way because this wasn’t about me. It was about giving him an outlet which he didn’t feel like he could get anywhere else.

  It took two minutes for him to open the front door and walk down the steps, meeting me on the pavement. His green eyes were wide and his cheeks flushed. I tried not to smile. Raphael was cute in this boyish, slightly nerdy way.

  Did you really just think that about your sister’s friend? Cute? You never think anyone is cute.

  “Hey,” he said with a sheepish smile on his face.

  “Hi.”

  I dug my hands into my pockets.

  “Um, so, should we?”

  I gave him a slight nod. I didn’t know what to say now I was next to him. Raphael didn’t seem to know either. He stared at me for a long moment before he shook himself and made to walk off toward a nearby park. I followed along next to him, watching as his chin dropped to his chest. He reached up, his fingers tugging on one of the arms of his glasses.

  “Is Duke okay?” I asked when the silence seemed to go on for too long.

  “Not really, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I guess he doesn’t see the point in rehashing the whole thing, you know, since it won’t change anything.”

  That I could completely understand.

  “And are you okay?”

  He gave me a shrug, raising his chin and turning his head to look at me.

  “Trying to be there for someone who won’t let you help them is hard, especially when you feel like you’re half drowning yourself.”

  The waves of self-doubt coming off him hit me like a ton of bricks. I refrained from reaching up to rub my chest, not wanting to bring attention to the way his emotions affected me.

  “You… you said people give you shit for being who you are.”

  “I did.”

  “How do you deal with it? I know you said you don’t care and it doesn’t matter what others think… and I agree, but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

  How did I deal with other people’s judgement? That was a question and a half. Mostly I ignored it, shutting out the world because it’s the way I’d learnt how to protect myself. It wasn’t what he was asking me. He wanted to know what to do when it got too much.

  “There’s no easy answer to that.”

  Raphael tugged at his glasses again.

  “Nothing is ever easy. I don’t want easy, just real.”

  His eyes fell down between us and I wondered what he was looking at. They seemed to drift over my arm, landing on my hand. I don’t know why his gaze made my skin start to itch, but it wasn’t in an uncomfortable way. More like he drew something out of me. Made me crave some kind of contact? Connection? I didn’t know how to explain it. Only I’d never wanted a connection like this from anyone else before.

  “How about I promise this here is a no bullshit zone between us, if you do the same.”

  I waved between us, watching his eyes track my hand.

  “I can do that.”

  He met my eyes again. Those verdant depths held so much pain in them, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I got lost in his gaze behind those wide-framed glasses. We almost matched each other in height. He was slightly shorter, but he might continue growing since he hadn’t yet turned sixteen.

  We reached the park which made him look away as we passed through the gates. It broke the weird spell I was under. I shoved it away, not wanting to consider what the fuck it even meant.

  “I don’t deal with it, that’s the truth,” I blurted out in a rush, knowing I should probably answer his question.

  “You don’t?”

  He glanced at me, eyes full of curiosity this time.

  “No, I can’t afford to. I bottle it up instead so I can be there for Meredith. She needs me.”

  “She seems okay.”

  “She hides it well, but Dad’s death affected her way worse than she lets on.”

  “Does that mean you need someone to talk to as well?”

  I nodded. Considering I�
�d just declared this a no bullshit zone, I didn’t think keeping it from him would start us off on the right track.

  “Okay, that makes me feel slightly better about talking to you. I didn’t want it being one-sided.”

  “I wouldn’t have minded if it was.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “No?”

  “I like helping people. Meredith calls it my superpower.”

  He smiled at me. The way the corners of his lips turned up had me focusing on them. It did funny things to my insides. Making them warm because I’d caused that expression on his face. Me. It shouldn’t make me as happy as it did.

  “Why would you want to help me when you don’t really know me?”

  A question I’d like answering myself. Something about Raphael made me want to offer my support. It wasn’t something quantifiable. I was just drawn to him.

  “Everyone needs someone and Mer keeps telling me to stop being so…”

  “Antisocial?”

  I shook my head.

  “Did she tell you she says that to me?”

  “Lucky guess.”

  The two of us stopped by a bench. Raphael sat down, gripping the wood below him with both hands as he stared out across the grass. I took a seat next to him, probably a little too close as our hands brushed together. He didn’t move his away. Neither did I.

  “When you found me last week, I was upset because some kids called my family disgusting since my mum sleeps with four different men. They said she’s a slag and a whore, saying I was going to turn out as fucked up as them. In a lot of ways, I’m used to them saying those things, but it hurts, you know, to get judged like that because of something I have no control over. I guess I’d had enough. No matter how many times Duke tells them to leave me alone, they won’t. I’m tired of being called names simply because I have five parents.”

  His voice shook as he told me why he’d been crying in the toilets. Without thinking, I shifted my hand from where it was resting next to me and settled it over his. His mouth parted on an exhale before he looked down at our hands. Now I’d done it, I didn’t know what the hell had possessed me. If I pulled away now, it might make things awkward.

  “Not going to say I know how that feels, but I know what it’s like to be judged for something you have no control over. It’s hard to ignore when it’s constant.”

  He nodded slowly, still staring at our hands.

  “That’s not the only reason it gets to me.”

  I cocked my head to the side, watching the way his hair fell in his eyes as he shifted. He pushed it off his face with his free hand, readjusting his glasses.

  “I’m not supposed to talk about it outside of my family… for good reason.”

  “You don’t have to tell me.”

  He folded his top lip over his bottom one. Then his eyes flicked up to mine.

  “You make me feel safe.”

  I hadn’t been expecting him to admit such a thing. Nor the way he released the bench, allowing my fingers to slide between his. My heart thundered in my ears at the strangeness of being this close to someone I was beginning to like a whole lot more than I should.

  You’re my little sister’s friend and yet I can’t help myself. I want to know you.

  “Sorry, that was probably too much. I swear I didn’t mean anything weird by it. I don’t have many people in my life I feel like I can be myself with.”

  “No, it’s okay. I understand what you mean.”

  His eyebrow quirked upwards.

  “You do?”

  “I’m glad you feel that way. Means we can be friends… I hope.”

  He smiled then.

  “You want to be my friend?”

  Why would he think otherwise? I had offered to lend an ear on several occasions. It’s not like I did it for just anyone. I wasn’t great at making friends on the whole, but talking to him felt normal, natural even. Maybe because I understood him in a lot of ways.

  “Yeah, Raphael, I do.”

  “Even though I’m your sister’s age?”

  I shook my head, grinning at him.

  “I don’t care how old you are.”

  “Okay, but you have to admit it’s kind of weird. We don’t know each other that well.”

  My eyes fell to our hands. Neither of us had moved them. It didn’t feel uncomfortable. If anything, it made my pulse race having his skin against mine.

  “Then we change that. Though I’m going to warn you now, I’m not easy to get to know. Meredith calls me antisocial for a reason.”

  “I don’t think you’re antisocial, Jonah. More like picky about who you spend your time with and you should be. Most people aren’t worth it.”

  “You are.”

  He looked away, but his smile remained.

  “If you say so.” He stared out over the grass again. “Okay, I told you what really upset me last week. Tell me something about you.”

  I thought about it for a moment.

  No bullshit zone, remember?

  “I ditched my friends to come see you by telling them Meredith was upset.”

  His head whipped around to me, his green eyes wide.

  “What? I thought you said you weren’t busy.”

  “I think you’ll find I said I had time for you, not that I wasn’t busy.”

  His cheeks went red.

  Cute. So fucking cute.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I didn’t, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. They invited way too many people to bowling. I don’t like crowds, it makes me feel anxious… like I’ll say something stupid. I end up not talking instead. The thing is, I haven’t told Olive and Teddy how I feel. It wasn’t their fault. I didn’t want to disappoint her since she keeps telling me I don’t come out with them enough, but lying made me feel worse.”

  It took a second for his expression to change. It morphed into understanding and it made me feel at ease.

  “Well, I appreciate it and you should tell them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some of us just prefer one-on-one conversation.”

  “Us… meaning you?”

  He nodded.

  Raphael said he felt safe with me. I sort of felt safe with him too. I mean, shit, I’d admitted something I’d only ever told Meredith.

  “I’ll keep that in mind when we hang out.”

  “We’re going to hang out again?”

  I bit my lip.

  “Yeah… I told you I’d be here if you needed to talk.”

  He gave me a smile.

  “I’m teasing. You did say you wanted to be my friend.”

  I had. My mind hadn’t changed either. It didn’t matter to me if he was Meredith’s friend first or that this might not be the best idea. I just wanted to know more about him. It was clear we had stuff in common and I didn’t feel awkward.

  I pulled my hand away since I shouldn’t still be holding his. Instead, I knocked his shoulder with my fingers.

  “Yeah, did you not want to be or something?”

  It took him a second to respond. I’d only been teasing back, but his expression turned serious.

  “You’re like the complete opposite of your sister, you know.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “No, not at all.” He nudged my shoulder back. “In answer to your question… I do want to be your friend, Jonah. To be honest, I’d like that a lot.”

  Chapter Seven

  I didn’t know what I’d been expecting when Jonah agreed to meet me but it wasn’t this. He’d been open, honest and seemed very at ease. Not only in his words but his expression. He had this soothing presence, making all my worries feel easier to admit to. He wasn’t judging me or my family. He simply listened and understood.

  It’s why I’d reciprocated in his offer of friendship. Every part of me wanted him to stay right next to me. I wanted to talk to him. See his light green eyes brighten with amusement. Watch the wind breezing thro
ugh his blonde hair, giving him a ruffled sort of look.

  What I did not want or expect was my reaction when he’d rested his hand on mine. It caused my heart to slam against my ribcage. My skin prickled and heat spread up my hand, along my wrist and further up my arm. I didn’t understand it. It’s not as if I’d experienced this with anyone, let alone a boy. And I wasn’t about to admit it to him even though we’d agreed no bullshit between us.

  I’d known I was straight my whole life. I liked girls, but I was too nervous and shy to ask anyone out. Especially considering what most people thought about me and my family.

  Why do I keep looking at Jonah like this? Feeling things I don’t understand when I’m near him.

  “Do we need to shake on it or something?” he said with a quirked eyebrow.

  His smile made my palms clammy.

  “On being friends? No, not necessary.”

  Jonah reached out and grabbed my hand, giving it a firm shake despite my words. My mouth went dry and the twinkle in his green eyes only made my pulse pick up all over again. When he released my hand, I didn’t know what to do with myself or where to look any longer.

  Jonah turned back to the park, leaning his arm across the back of the bench. If he moved his hand lower, it would brush over my shoulder.

  I’m in two minds as to whether or not I want him to.

  “Do your parents know you’re out here with me?”

  I shook myself at his words.

  “Not exactly. I told my dad I was going for a walk. Had to or my mum would start worrying about where I am.”

  “Are they protective?”

  “Mum is, but my dads? They’re all different.”

  It was hard to explain to someone who had never seen us together before how our family worked.

  “How do you handle that stuff?”

  I stared at Jonah’s profile. The way his blonde eyelashes fluttered over his cheek when he blinked. He had a beautiful bone structure. His jawline was neither too strong nor too soft.

  “Having four dads? Um, we call our biological fathers dad, and the others by their names. It’s easier that way because we all know who we’re referring to.”