Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  “What are their names?”

  “Quinn, Xavier, Eric and Rory. Eric is my dad. Mum says I’m like a carbon copy of him, except I wear glasses and he doesn’t. Her name is Ash.”

  I watched Jonah smile.

  “You all have the same nose.”

  “Huh?”

  “You and your siblings. You have the same nose.”

  I touched mine the moment he said it before adjusting my glasses.

  “It’s from Mum, well, technically, I guess, from our grandpa.”

  Talking about my parents to Jonah didn’t exactly feel weird, it’s only I never did this with anyone. Not even Meredith, Celia and our other friends. I avoided talking about them at all costs because of the judgement we got over it.

  “So is your dad protective?”

  I shook my head.

  “No, he’s more nurturing. Mum keeps saying I get my sensitive side from him. He takes care of us in a way the others don’t, like he loves cooking and is always willing to listen. I look up to him… or at least, I did.”

  Jonah glanced at me then, his brow furrowing.

  “Did something change?”

  “Yeah, but that’s the thing I can’t talk about.”

  A huge part of me wanted to tell Jonah everything, but you didn’t go around informing other people your parents were killers who had covered up their crimes. It’s not as if I didn’t understand why they’d done it or thought they were terrible human beings. It had, however, reshaped my view of them. They weren’t these infallible people who could do no wrong. They were just as flawed as the rest of us. No matter how kind, caring and compassionate they were now. It didn’t change the fact that once upon a time, they had done things which made me feel queasy thinking about it.

  “That’s okay. You never have to tell me anything you don’t want to or can’t. I’m not going to push you into anything.”

  I might not know much about Jonah, but it seemed as though he had infinite patience. He would probably need it with me. I was beginning to see why Meredith said her brother was her saviour.

  “I do love my parents, they’re still some of the most amazing people I know, but this stuff made it… weird for me.”

  “Have you told them that?”

  I shook my head.

  “I don’t know what to say. Duke and Aurora took it well, but me, I’m here seeing them without rose-tinted glasses and it’s confusing for me. As if I’m not confused enough already about my entire life.”

  “Cole doesn’t know?”

  I shook my head. He was only thirteen and going through puberty. My parents didn’t want to put that shit on him right now. I couldn’t blame them. I wish they hadn’t put it on me quite yet either, but people don’t always get what they want in life. More often than not, I got lumbered with a crap hand.

  “He’s too young to understand.”

  “And you’re not also?”

  I shrugged.

  “Didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter.”

  “Did they not say you could talk to them about it?”

  “They did, but I don’t know what to say, to express how I feel.”

  It would be easier if I could. If everything hadn’t happened with Duke not long afterwards, then maybe I would have said something. Whenever I had the urge to talk to my dad about it, it would only take one look at his eyes and I’d freeze up. My dad had this compassion unlike anyone else I knew. It broke me inside knowing I felt this way about him and the rest of my parents. I didn’t want them to think I loved them any less because of what they’d done.

  “I get that. It’s hard to tell them something they might not want to hear.”

  I nodded. For some strange reason, I wished Jonah would reach out and touch me again. Just to reassure me he was there for me.

  Or maybe you just like the feel of his skin against yours.

  The thought terrified me. Along with the way he stared at me as if he was ripping every thought I had about him out of my head. The ones I shouldn’t be having. Like how I found his hands beautiful, his face, his jawline, the way he smiled and the vibrant green of his eyes.

  What the hell is wrong with you? You… you can’t feel this way about him.

  I reminded myself we were becoming friends and not to read into these alien feelings. Not to examine them too closely. They were just feelings. I could deal with them. Fleeting feelings which didn’t mean a single thing.

  Liar. You’re a liar.

  “I wish they hadn’t told me. People say ignorance is bliss for a reason.”

  His lips parted, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he breathed in and his fingers, which were resting on the bench, brushed over my shoulder. I internally shivered.

  Nope. Don’t think. Don’t read into anything. Be calm.

  “Sometimes it is.” His lip twitched. “I can’t say if it’s better for you to know or not since I don’t know what it is.”

  I knew why they’d told me about it. To protect me in case their past came back to haunt them. Given what they’d been involved in, it was a very real possibility despite all the years which had passed by. As Quinn said, no one escaped the life completely even if they were on the straight and narrow now.

  “Do… do you mind if we head back now?”

  I felt very comfortable with Jonah, but if I didn’t leave now, I might end up blurting out the whole story to him. I couldn’t do that. It needed to remain a secret to keep my family safe.

  “If that’s what you want.”

  He lifted his arm off the bench and went to get up. My hand reached out of its own accord and landed on his shoulder, stopping him. Jonah frowned, staring down at my hand.

  “I like talking to you. You’re not like anyone else I know… in a good way. Thank you for listening.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  My eyes focused on his lips. On their fullness. I almost unconsciously licked my bottom one.

  “Can we do this again?”

  His lips curved upwards.

  “Of course.”

  “Okay.”

  I didn’t want to pull my hand back. I might not be touching his skin, but he was warm and real. Those thoughts made me release him and stand up, pacing away because I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on with me. I felt his presence behind me a moment later. My skin prickled with awareness. And that was a bad sign. A really fucking bad sign.

  Jonah said nothing about the strange way I was acting as we walked out of the park and back to my house. I stopped myself from staring at him the whole way, not trusting my thoughts and feelings. When we stopped outside my house, I gave him a slight shrug.

  “I’ll see you then.”

  “You have my number, Raphael. Use it if you need to.”

  He lifted his hand for a moment, then seemed to think better of it and dropped it. We stared at each other for several seconds. My chest got all tight. I fought the urge to rub it.

  “Well, see you at school,” he said before he turned and walked off towards where the bus stop was on the next street over.

  I watched him until he disappeared, unable to help myself. How had I found someone who didn’t judge a single thing I said? Who listened and understood. Who didn’t make me feel stupid or ridiculous.

  I rushed inside, scared by my thoughts. Scared by the whole thing. I didn’t encounter anyone on the way to my bedroom, shutting the door and leaning back against it. I stared down at my shaking fingers and asked myself why this was making me feel so anxious.

  You’re just going to be friends. There’s no need to freak out.

  It wasn’t the friend part making me feel this way. It was the knowledge I might actually see Jonah in a different light. I might think of him in a way I shouldn’t.

  No. Don’t say it. Don’t do it. Just keep cool. Friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.

  I held onto that mantra, forcing myself to calm down and stop getting worked up over a… bo
y. I’d never been worked up over anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t understand it.

  Why on earth did it have to be the completely wrong person for me to be feeling this way about?

  Chapter Eight

  I sat up on my bed with my homework scattered around me on Sunday morning. A cup of coffee rested on my bedside table. It was kind of early, but I hadn’t wanted to do it yesterday. Plus, I was seeing Teddy and Olive in a couple of hours. Yesterday, I’d had to go deal with getting food in for the family and cleaning the house. My mother wasn’t in any state of mind to even get out of bed, and my grandmother was out visiting her not so secret boyfriend, Leonard. She kept telling us he was just her friend, but I didn’t believe a word coming out of her mouth.

  “You’re such a nerd.”

  I looked up, finding Meredith leaning against the doorframe with a grin.

  “You’re a fine one to talk.”

  “I don’t start homework right after I get up.”

  I shrugged. She knew I’d had to get a lot of shit done yesterday. Meredith walked into my room and sat on the edge of my bed, running her fingers along the covers.

  “So, did you actually have fun on Friday?”

  I hadn’t told her about the ditching part. Meredith had been at Celia’s when I got in and we didn’t have time to talk yesterday. And I did have fun, it was just not with my friends but with hers. A part of me felt incredibly guilty over it and the other didn’t care. Spending time with Raphael had made me smile.

  “Sort of.”

  “Jonah.”

  “I didn’t stay very long.”

  She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Why not?”

  I’d promised Raphael I wouldn’t tell my sister about us hanging out. Having to lie to both her and my friends was not my idea of fun, but I kept my promises.

  “I felt awkward, Mer. You know I can’t deal with that many people at once. I’m making up for it today, going for brunch with Teddy and Olive.”

  The way her eyes lit up made my stomach twist.

  “Can I come?”

  “Um…”

  “Come on, J, I don’t want to get stuck with Grandma.”

  I was going to have to come clean to Meredith about my little white lie. My sister was my weakness. I couldn’t deny her anything. It’s not like I hated it. She needed me. I always gave her what she asked for. It’s what you did for the people you loved. Especially when they had suffered the loss of a parent. Of course, I had too, but Meredith and Dad had this special bond because of their love of the theatre.

  “You can, but… you’re going to have to do something for me.”

  Her eyebrow quirked up.

  “What?”

  “I need you to act like you were upset on Friday and needed me because that’s the excuse I used to leave early.”

  Meredith stared at me for a long moment. Then she threw back her head and laughed.

  “Oh, for god’s sake, J, you are something else.”

  I gave her a smile. My sister always came through for me just as I did for her. After Dad died, we’d stuck together like glue. It was me and her against the world.

  “It’s that or you stay here with Grandma. Your choice.”

  “You drive a hard bargain, but I’ll do my best.” She put a hand to her forehead. “Oh, my dear brother, I cannot possibly cope at home without you. Not like I was at Celia’s or anything.”

  I stuck my tongue out at her before staring back down at my homework. After a minute, I realised she hadn’t got up and left.

  “Did you need something else? We’re leaving at quarter to eleven.”

  “No, I’m just bored.”

  “Go be bored elsewhere.” I waved at my books. “Some people have to get their work done.”

  “Nerd.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “You giving me shit for wanting to get into a good uni?”

  “No.”

  “Then shush.”

  I watched her smile out of the corner of my eye before she slumped back against my covers and stared up at my ceiling. My eyes went back to the text I was reading. For a long while, neither of us said anything.

  “Do you want a boyfriend, J?”

  I looked over at my sister with a frown.

  “I don’t have time for a relationship.”

  The truth was I didn’t like anyone I’d met so far. Not like there weren’t other openly gay kids at school, but a few of them were too overt. It wasn’t my thing. I didn’t know if I had a type, only I wanted someone like me. Someone who wasn’t too out there with their personality. Who liked the quiet times more than going out and partying. I wasn’t looking for someone to push me out of my comfort zone or challenge me in that way. Not when I already had Meredith on my case about being more social and less in my own head.

  “That sounds like an excuse to me.”

  “It isn’t when I’ve not met anyone I want to date, Mer. Maybe I’d feel differently if I had.”

  She turned her head to look at me.

  “You sure there’s no one?”

  A niggling thought in the back of my head told me there was, but I shoved it away.

  “You’d be the first to know.”

  “Celia thinks we should try to set you up with Jeremy.”

  I stared at her. Jeremy was a boy in sixth form who, quite frankly, I couldn’t stand because he was just about the most irritating person I’d ever met in my life. Constantly talking about everything and nothing. Always up in people’s faces for no reason. Not to mention vapid as fuck. I couldn’t think of anyone worse.

  “Celia should mind her own fucking business.”

  “I told her you wouldn’t go for that.”

  “I don’t need a couple of fifteen-year-old girls setting me up on dates.”

  Meredith grinned.

  “We could be amazing matchmakers for all you know.”

  I gave her a look.

  “But no, don’t go out with Jeremy. He would piss you off within seconds.”

  Too bloody right he would.

  “Celia doesn’t understand that just because you both like boys, doesn’t mean you’d be interested in each other.”

  I didn’t like to say it to Meredith, but her best friend could be a right pain. She wasn’t exactly the nicest girl to other people and whilst she never gave my sister any shit, I didn’t trust her.

  “And you still hang out with her despite her, quite frankly, backwards and insulting view of gay men?”

  “I did tell her, you know, that it’s not okay to make assumptions since you’re no different to anyone else.”

  “Hmm.”

  “I know you don’t like Celia.”

  I looked back at my books, not wanting to have this discussion again. Meredith could hang out with whoever she wanted, but it didn’t mean I approved. Whilst Celia might have been a good friend to my sister over the years, she’d become spiteful and mean when she hit puberty. It was only a matter of time before she turned on Meredith. It was a fucking given at this point.

  “I’ve got nothing to say about Celia. She’s your friend.”

  “You know I don’t think the way she does.”

  “Because that makes it so much better. You know it’s hard enough for me and everyone else who isn’t straight when people continue to have attitudes like that.”

  Meredith looked away for a moment.

  “I know. I’m sorry people still think that way. It’s shitty and you don’t deserve it. You’re like the most amazing person I know and if idiots can’t see that, well they can all go get drowned in the Thames.”

  I snorted, eying her with no small amount of amusement.

  “That’s a bit extreme, the water in the Thames is gross.”

  “They deserve it.”

  The determined look in her eyes when she turned back to me made me smile wider.

  “You are savag
e.”

  She shrugged and sat up.

  “And?”

  “It’s why I love you.”

  She grinned and jumped off my bed.

  “I’ll leave you in peace since you’re in full nerd mode. And I love you too.”

  I sat back as Meredith ambled out of my room. She might be okay today, but she had bad days as well. It’s why I didn’t want to say no when she’d asked to come out with me, Teddy and Olive. She wouldn’t enjoy staying at home with our grandmother who would no doubt give her a hard time.

  My phone buzzed on my bedside table. I reached over thinking it might be my friends. My pulse skittered when I saw who it was.

  Raphael: Sorry if I was acting weird on Friday.

  I hadn’t noticed him acting strangely. If anything, he seemed nervous, which I understood. He had been telling a near-stranger about how he felt. He didn’t feel like a stranger to me though. Somehow, Raphael just felt real to me. Like he wasn’t putting on some kind of act to fit in or impress me.

  Jonah: I didn’t think you were.

  Raphael: Oh. I felt like I was.

  Jonah: You okay?

  Raphael: A lot on my mind.

  Jonah: You need to talk about it?

  I no longer wanted to question why I needed to help him so badly. Why my heart kept beating faster whenever I saw him or thought about him. And, admittedly, I’d thought about him far more than I should.

  Raphael: No, you’ve helped me enough already.

  Jonah: I really don’t mind. Like I keep saying, I’m here if you need me.

  I understood it might be difficult for him to accept I wanted to be there for him even though we didn’t know each other well. I wasn’t asking for anything in return. Well, maybe other than being my friend.

  You keep telling yourself that.

  I couldn’t afford any other thoughts. He didn’t need me getting ideas in my head which were inappropriate. Fuck, Raphael was only fifteen and my little sister’s friend. Not at all who I’d expected to feel anything for. The way he’d been open and vulnerable did something to me. Not to mention the way he looked at me.

  Stop. Just stop. Don’t go there.

  Raphael: My grandparents are coming over for Sunday lunch. It’s always crazy. Grandma hates Grandpa’s wife, Lily. Mum always ends up in an argument with her over my dads or one of us. It’s just exhausting.