Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  We saw each other regularly after that and sort of fell into a relationship. And then, just like that, we fell out of one. There was no crying or raised voices. No hard feelings. It was just over. She didn’t plan on staying in London for university. I did, since I’d already got an unconditional offer. Long distance wasn’t something Lana wanted. I respected it. Even so, the words remained.

  It’s over.

  They reminded me of words I’d uttered to someone three years ago. Words which had ruined everything. They weren’t the same ones, but they had the same intent. They brought things to an end.

  “I don’t want you.”

  Those words were the real words which haunted me. They weren’t true. None of what I’d said that day was true. And I’d paid for them every single day since.

  My door was thrown open and in walked my younger brother. I eyed him from beneath the covers. Even without my glasses, I knew it was Cole. Only he and Duke barged in here without knocking, but my older brother had heavier footsteps.

  “Why the fuck are you still in bed?”

  “Why do you care?” I retorted as he came closer. It was only ten in the morning and it wasn’t like I had anywhere to be.

  Cole had become more irritable than ever recently, but I blamed it on his breakup.

  “I don’t.”

  I hauled myself up into sitting position and grabbed my glasses off the bedside table, shoving them on.

  “What do you want, Cole?”

  He looked away for a moment.

  “I need you to give something back to Meredith.”

  I gave him a look. If he was going to fuck with her feelings some more, he could count me out. No way in hell I was enabling that shit. To say I was pissed with my brother for hurting my friend was an understatement. I’d wholeheartedly supported their relationship. Him breaking Meredith’s heart? Yeah, I wasn’t happy about it.

  “What exactly?”

  He held out his hand.

  “I found this under my bed. She lost it here and she deserves to have it back. Her dad got them for her.”

  There was a small earring nestled in his palm. Cole had this pained look on his face. I knew how important Meredith’s dad had been to her, and so did he.

  “Hand it over then, I’ll make sure she gets it.”

  I didn’t want to upset her with a reminder of Cole, but she would want the earring back. She’d told me why they broke up since Cole had kept silent on the subject. No matter how pissed I was at him over the whole thing, I was still relatively sure he was broken up inside about it. The catalyst had been someone I had desperately tried to forget. Except you can’t ever forget the person you said the worst things imaginable to when you still had feelings for said person, which you’ve tried to bury deep inside you in an attempt to make sure they didn’t resurface. Only it was impossible to do that. To cut the person out of your heart.

  “Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine, no thanks to you.”

  He gave me a dirty look.

  “Don’t start on me.”

  “I’m not. Give me the earring.”

  He closed the distance and dropped it into my outstretched hand.

  “I just want her to be okay. I… I miss her.”

  “You do realise she told me why you broke up with her, right?”

  He shifted on his feet.

  “I wouldn’t have had to if you hadn’t told her brother about our parents.”

  I flinched at the mention of her brother. I wasn’t sure why he’d felt the need to tell Meredith when he’d kept it a secret for years.

  “Oh no, you do not get to blame me for your mess with her. I’m not responsible for his actions and it was three years ago, Cole. How the fuck was I supposed to know you liked her back then?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck and let out a sigh.

  “Why did you even tell him in the first place?”

  “I was struggling, you know this. It’s not some big fucking secret in this family how fucked up I was back then.”

  I was still fucked up now if I was honest. Still so fucked up about my sexuality and how I couldn’t reconcile myself with it. Especially since it was all wrapped up in my feelings for… him.

  “What happened between you, Raphi?”

  “None of your business.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “It is my business when it almost single-handedly ruined my relationship.”

  I understood why he was mad at me over it, but the demise of his relationship was between him and Meredith. It had fuck all to do with me. I was not responsible for other people’s actions. Only my own fucked up ones.

  “You didn’t have to walk away. That’s on you. And it was a fucked up thing to do after she told you she loves you.”

  He scowled.

  “Don’t remind me.”

  “Then don’t ask me about… him.”

  Cole threw his hands up.

  “You can’t even bring yourself to say his name, can you?”

  “Shut up.”

  He gave me one last look before walking away to the door. He paused on the threshold, and I really wished he hadn’t.

  “Just give her the earring, okay?” He shifted on his feet. “And whatever happened between you and Jonah, deal with it, Raphi, because no one here is ever going to judge you for wanting to be with another man.”

  And with that statement stabbing me in the chest, he left.

  It had nothing to do with my family. I knew they wouldn’t judge me. They’d be happy. It wasn’t about that. It was me and my fucked up need to be normal. To be away from this suffocating environment. Ever since my parents had found out about the bullying, Mum had become insufferably protective over me. It was non-stop and I couldn’t take it any longer. I wanted some freedom. It’s why I was moving out into halls for university. Something I knew Mum hated since I’d be in London, but not with them. My dads had accepted it without comment. They’d always encouraged us to make our own choices in life.

  I loved my family, but I needed to find myself outside of them. My entire life had been marred with the fact I was the kid with five parents. I wanted a new start, so I didn’t have to be that person any longer. All I wanted was to be my own man. Be Raphi and not freak or four-eyes. Just me without the labels and baggage.

  I popped the earring down on my bedside table before grabbing my phone and taking a photo of it. I attached it to a message.

  Raphi: Is this yours?

  Meredith: Oh my god! You found it?

  Raphi: Well, I didn’t, but he thought you’d want it back.

  Meredith: I do. Can you drop it around mine?

  I figured she’d want to skirt around the fact it was Cole who’d given it to me. And I didn’t blame her for it.

  Raphi: Sure. Today okay?

  Meredith: Yup, just let me know when.

  Raphi: Could be there in an hour.

  Meredith: Sounds good.

  She’d never taken sides when it came to me and her brother, but Meredith didn’t know what really happened between us. I’m not sure she’d like me much if she knew what I’d said to him that day. I didn’t like me much for it.

  Don’t sugar-coat it, you hate yourself for it.

  I hauled myself out of bed and took a shower before dressing and grabbing breakfast. My parents had left for the day. Well, Rory was still here, but he didn’t go out much. Cole was nowhere to be seen, and quite frankly after what he’d said to me, I didn’t want to talk to him.

  I walked out into the sunshine, breathing in the fresh air. Well, as fresh as the air can be in London, anyway. It was a nice day. I was only in a t-shirt and jeans as I walked up to the bus stop. It was only a few stops over, so didn’t take too long for me to get to Meredith’s.

  I walked up the street and stopped outside her house, reaching up to ring the doorbell. Running my fingers through my hair, I waited. A minute later, the door was pul
led open and the breath was stolen from my lungs. It’s not as if I didn’t think there was any possibility he would be here or I would never run into him again because I was friends with his sister. I wasn’t prepared for the sight of him right then.

  Jonah was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. He had a hand stuck in his pocket. His blonde hair was messy as if he hadn’t bothered to sort it out this morning. His light green eyes went wide the moment he set them on me.

  He looks so good. Fuck.

  I didn’t think my heart could slam any harder against my ribcage, nor my mouth could get any drier. Of course, he looked older. He was twenty now and had been away at university for two years. I hadn’t seen him since he’d left school. There’d been no reason for us to run into each other… until now.

  Why does he still look so handsome?

  It was a stupid question. A stupid fucking question since I had no business thinking that about him. I’d hurt Jonah. I should not still have feelings for him. And yet… I did.

  “Hello,” he said, his tone clipped.

  “Um, hi… is Mer here? I’m dropping something off for her.”

  How I even got the sentence out without tripping over all my words was beyond me. It’s like my entire fucking soul was on fire and I didn’t know what to do about it. He was right there in front of me. The first person I’d ever loved. He didn’t know about my hidden feelings. And those feelings had only come flooding back with his presence.

  God, I want his presence. I’m such a fucking idiot. Those things I said were such bullshit. I want him. I want every part of him. He’s the only person who truly sees me.

  He didn’t look very happy to see me right then. I didn’t blame him. I owed him an apology. A huge fucking apology. And he owed me a fucking explanation as to why he told Meredith about my parents. After Cole’s reminder of it today, I couldn’t get it out of my head. He shouldn’t have said anything. Meredith didn’t need to know about what they did. She didn’t need that shit in her life. Neither had Jonah in all honesty, but he’d wanted to know the truth. He’d been there for me. And I’d thrown it all in his face.

  “Yeah, she is. Hold on…” he turned his head back, “Meredith, Raphael is here for you.”

  When he met my eyes again, I could feel all of his pent up resentment towards me slamming into my chest. I wanted to hang my head in shame. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg him to forgive me. Tell him I didn’t mean a single word.

  I heard the thundering of footsteps down the stairs before Meredith appeared next to Jonah. She gave him a look and he stared at the two of us.

  “Sorry, I meant to answer the door myself,” she said with a nervous laugh.

  I dug the earring out of my pocket.

  “It’s okay… here you go.”

  I reached out a hand to her. Meredith opened her palm and I dropped the earring in it. She stared down at it for a moment.

  “Thank you. I’m so glad you found it.”

  “Like I said, wasn’t me.”

  The tension in the air cranked up a notch. We were all thinking about what Cole had done to Meredith and how our actions had led to the demise of their relationship.

  “Uh, I should get going,” I said when the silence had gone on for too long.

  “Yeah, uh, I’d invite you in, but… yeah.”

  She looked at Jonah, who was still staring right at me with that fucking damning look in his eyes. Like he didn’t know if he wanted to shout at me or not. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. I deserved it.

  “It’s cool. I’ll text you, yeah?”

  She nodded.

  “Yeah, we’ll do something soon.”

  I shrugged, gave her a tight smile and then turned, leaving them in the doorway. I heard the door shut a second later as I walked away. I only got a few steps before the crippling pain started. I gripped the railing outside their house, putting a hand to my chest.

  What the fuck was that?

  Seeing him had brought back all of my fucking torment. All of it slammed into me. It made me want to cry and rage all at the same time. At myself. And at him.

  I couldn’t leave it at that. I couldn’t. Every part of me was screaming. Screaming so loud it fucking hurt my ears. Without me even thinking about it, I dug my hand into my pocket and brought out my phone. And I was almost frantically typing out a message to a number I hadn’t used in three years.

  Raphi: We need to talk. Now.

  Chapter Twenty

  I stared down at my phone, reading the words over and over like they would tell me something else. Like they wouldn’t fuck with me in the way they were. Because seeing Raphi again had fucked with me to the point where I thought my knees would give out.

  Meredith had gone back upstairs. I’d lingered in the hallway. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t walk away. Every part of me wanted to rip the door open again and go after him. There were so many things I hadn’t said all those years ago when he’d walked away from me. I wanted to hate the very sight of him, but I didn’t. Fuck, I didn’t.

  Time had done nothing to heal the gaping hole in my chest he’d left me with. Time hadn’t altered my feelings. Time hadn’t fucking well changed a damn thing.

  He’d only become more attractive in the intervening three years, having filled out more and grown a few extra inches, meaning we now matched each other in height. I hated myself for the fact my mouth had watered when he’d been standing there on my doorstep in jeans and a t-shirt. Hated that I’d wanted him to shove me up against the wall and kiss the shit out of me. Wanting the passion and fire between us since I’d never found it with anyone else.

  You shouldn’t want him. He hurt you.

  I couldn’t help it. Raphi still meant far too much to me.

  The moment my phone had buzzed in my pocket, I’d known it was him. There had been so many emotions in his eyes when he’d looked at me. So many unspoken words between us.

  Even though I knew it was a fucking stupid thing to do, I shoved it back in my pocket and walked back over to the front door, pulling it open. He was still there, standing with his hand on the railing and looking like he was about to keel over.

  “Raphael.”

  The boy who held my fucking heart in his hand turned around, his green eyes full of things I didn’t want to see. Why did it hurt this much? Shouldn’t three years have settled this shit? And why the fuck did I still want to save him after all this time?

  He let go of the railing and walked over to me. My heart was wild in my chest. My hands clenched at my sides to ensure I wouldn’t do something stupid. His closeness affected me. I couldn’t do a single fucking thing about it.

  “Why did you tell Meredith about my parents?”

  Those were not the words I’d been expecting to come out of his mouth.

  “We shouldn’t talk about this out on the street.”

  I stepped back and he walked in without hesitation. We were going to have a conversation whether or not I was ready for it. I shut the door and walked towards the stairs, feeling him at my back following me as I took the stairs two by two. When we got into my room, I closed the door firmly behind us.

  I walked away a few paces before turning to him. We stared at each other for several long moments. My whole body called for his in this desperate manner which took my breath. I couldn’t act on it. It would be fucking insane given how much he hurt me when he said that shit to me three years ago.

  “That’s what you want to talk about? Meredith and Cole?” I asked before he had a chance to say a word. “You sure you don’t have anything else to say to me?”

  He swallowed. I didn’t like getting confrontational, but my emotions were all over the place. Not to mention how I was fighting against my urge to go to him and hold him.

  Stupid. Fucking. Idiot.

  “I have a lot of things to say to you.”

  “Then say them.”

  He shook his head.

  “I asked you a questi
on, Jonah.”

  The moment I knew Cole was interested in Meredith, I couldn’t fucking deal with it. It had brought all those horrifying feelings about Raphi back to the forefront. All the heartache and pain. And reality had hit. The reality that their family had a dark past. His parents had killed. The thought of my sister getting wrapped up in their bullshit brought all my protective instincts to the forefront. I had to keep her safe at all costs since Meredith had already been through too much. Our father had died. Our mother didn’t give a shit about us. She and Grandma constantly picked on Meredith. They’d got worse since I’d gone to university. I’d seen red when it came to matters of the person I’d give my fucking life for if I could.

  “Can you blame me? That’s my sister and your brother is two years younger than her. He’s not even an adult.”

  “That’s bullshit. You don’t even know Cole. He treated her with so much respect and care. He loves your sister with every ounce of his being. Cole might not be perfect, but he gave Meredith everything he has and you… you fucking well ruined that for them.”

  I was a little taken aback by the vehemence in his voice. And I hated the fact he had a point. I didn’t know his brother. All I’d thought about was my sister. Protecting my sister from a family whose past, quite frankly, scared the shit out of me just like it did Raphi all those years ago.

  “I did what I had to. Meredith doesn’t need to be wrapped up with your family.”

  The moment I said the words, I regretted them. I fucking regretted them because they weren’t true.

  “My family? Hold on… hold fucking well on. You didn’t seem to have a problem with them when I told you about what they’d done. You didn’t seem to care when you wanted to be with me. Why is it any different for her, huh? She’s not in danger. Cole would never have let anything happen to her, and they aren’t even involved in that life any longer. I told you that. I fucking well told you that.”

  I didn’t want to tell Raphi I’d gone looking for more information about his family. I’d found every article and detail I could about who they were and what they’d done. It hadn’t made me feel good about myself. Not when I’d find out about his dad, Xavier’s father being in prison for murdering his wife and sister. Nor finding out that his other dad, Quinn had some sinister as fuck name which people feared. All of it had made me ill.