Our Darkest Scar

by Sarah Bailey

  It hadn’t really been about Meredith and Cole, it had been wanting more of the story than Raphi had told me. Needing to know everything because I was too fucked up about the boy in front of me. So fucked up about him I couldn’t stop wanting him even though he hurt me.

  “It doesn’t matter. She’s my sister!”

  “Oh I see how it is, one rule for you and another for her, is it?”

  “No!”

  “Then what the fuck is it?”

  “You, it’s fucking well you.” He kept pushing. Fucking pushing me just as I’d pushed him all those years ago. I couldn’t help the words spilling out any longer. “You fucking well broke me, Raphi. You. All I have done for the past three years is suffer because of you and what you said to me. You hurt me so fucking much, I saw red when she told me about her and Cole. I had to protect her. I just fucking had to.”

  He took a step towards me, his eyes flashing with anger and I was pretty sure mine were too. Why did he look hot when he was pissed off?

  “Me? You did this because of me?” He pointed at his chest. “Do you know how fucked up that sounds, Jonah?”

  “Yes, I fucking well do. I know it’s fucked up and I’m sorry.”

  “Well, I’m fucking well sorry too. I’m fucking sorry I hurt you so much you had to ruin my brother’s relationship with your sister.”

  The words I’d wanted to hear all this time hit me like a ton of bricks, tearing me up inside even worse than anything else he’d said.

  He’d apologised.

  He’d actually said sorry to me.

  We stared at each other from across the small expanse between us. His chest was heaving and his eyes were like molten fire. I don’t know who moved first. I didn’t care. It wouldn’t have mattered either way. What did matter was what happened next.

  We practically slammed into each other then it was lips, tongues and hands everywhere. His mouth was so hard against mine, our teeth almost smacked together. I felt like he was trying to crawl inside me just as I was him. His hands were in my hair, pulling at the strands whilst mine were gripping him just as tight.

  The kiss was brutal and unforgiving. It fucking hurt when he bit down hard on my bottom lip like he was trying to punish me for fucking up Cole and Meredith’s relationship. I only bit him back in retaliation. It was like a taunt, daring him to do things to me. Daring him to take what he wanted.

  Raphi shoved me backwards until my legs hit the bed, still kissing me all the while like he couldn’t stop. I didn’t want him to. I found myself flat on my back with him on top of me a minute later. He pulled back for only a second to rip his glasses from his face and throw them on my bedside table. Then his hands were pinning mine against the covers and his lips were back on mine.

  I had no idea how to feel about him being dominant with me. There was no doubt who was in control, even if we were both running off anger and desire, especially when he ground himself into me. I whimpered into his mouth, desperate for more. I’d grown hard the moment he planted his mouth and hands on me. I ached for his touch. For all of him.

  “Raphi,” I moaned when he nibbled his way down my jaw, his teeth grazing against my skin. “Please.”

  He didn’t say a word, merely let go of one of my hands and dug his between us. I gasped when he wrapped it around my cock. It made me wonder if he’d actually done something with another boy, but then I threw the thought away. Raphi had struggled with his sexuality so much, I didn’t think he would have gone there.

  “You make me fucking crazy,” he hissed in my ear. “I hate that you do.”

  I didn’t know what to say to him since he was rubbing his hand up and down my cock like he owned it. I could feel him hard against my hip. It wasn’t just me who was insanely turned on right then. He captured my mouth again. Now he’d let go of one of my hands, I wound it into his hair, holding him close because I never wanted this to end. I didn’t want him to stop what he was doing. How he was making me feel.

  Please, fuck, please just touch me. I want you so fucking much, Raphi.

  His body left mine as he sat up. I almost whimpered in protest, but his hands were at my t-shirt, pushing it up my chest. I let him take it off me. His eyes were dark and intense when they roamed over me. And his hands, his fucking hands ran down my skin, lighting it up and sending sparks down my spine.

  I let out a pant, wrapping my hands around his thighs as I needed something to hold on to. His touch utterly intoxicated me. I needed all of it. All of him naked against me. His fucking skin on mine. And most of all… most of fucking all, I wanted him in me, taking everything from me.

  He leant down and planted his lips on my chest, trailing his tongue down my skin. My hips arched up into his by instinct. Fuck, it felt so good.

  “Fuck,” I gasped when his tongue swirled around my nipple.

  “You like that, do you?” he murmured.

  “Yes… yes, yes.”

  “Good.”

  He sat up and tugged his t-shirt off, throwing it away from us. The way his body flexed with the movement made my mouth water. Shit, he wasn’t overly muscly, but he wasn’t skinny either. Just perfect. I couldn’t help myself when I reached up and ran my fingers down his stomach. He sucked in air, watching me with hooded eyes filled with… desire.

  “Tell me what you want, Jonah,” he said, his voice all low and gravelly.

  What do I want?

  You.

  I want all of you.

  What would he say if I was honest? What the fuck would he think? I didn’t know what he wanted out of this. I didn’t even know what the hell we were doing with each other, but I wasn’t about to stop. No, I needed it. I needed him. And I didn’t give a flying fuck about consequences.

  “I want you to fuck me, Raphael… I really want you to fuck me.”

  Chapter Twenty One

  As I stared down at Jonah, bare-chested and panting and his words registered with my brain, I found myself aching with the need to do exactly what he’d said. I had no fucking clue what I was doing when it came to being with a man intimately. I’d only ever been with Lana, and her body was nothing like Jonah’s. He was hard in places she had been soft, but it didn’t matter to me. He made me lose my mind because I was so insanely attracted to him.

  I wanted him.

  I wanted all of him.

  I bit my lip as he waited for me to say or do something. It never occurred to me he’d want me to fuck him. I hadn’t honestly thought about what it would be like to be intimate with Jonah, or any other man.

  “If you want that, you’re going to have to tell me what to do.”

  He swallowed as if he hadn’t expected me to concede to his desires. What the fuck did I know about sleeping with a guy? Not like I’d come here with the expressed intention of having sex with him. Hell, I’d never even expected to see Jonah today.

  “You want to?”

  I leant over him and ran my nose up his face.

  “I want whatever you want right now.”

  His hands around my thighs tightened and he let out a pant.

  “Going to assume you have experience since I don’t. I’ve only been with a girl.”

  “Yes,” he hissed when I licked his jaw. “Only one guy, but yes.”

  It bothered me a little, even though I’d hoped he’d found someone else. Someone who deserved him unlike me. I didn’t deserve him and yet this was going to happen. We were going to have sex.

  My hand ran down his chest, making him gasp and pant more. When I reached his cock, I stroked it again. Feeling him only made mine throb harder.

  “Raphi, please.”

  “Tell me, Jonah, fucking tell me what you want me to do.”

  “I want to see you… all of you.”

  I smiled against his skin.

  “Do I get to see you in return?”

  “Yes.”

  Every part of me ached and longed for it. For all of him. The boy I’d never fuckin
g well been able to forget, no matter how hard I tried. This beautiful man below me who was practically begging me to give it to him. He sounded so needy and desperate, his voice shaking on all of his words.

  I got up off the bed, kicking my shoes off and tugging at my jeans. He lay there, staring at me as if he couldn’t believe I was going to get naked for him. Honestly, I couldn’t believe it either, but here we were and I couldn’t stop. I was still pissed as hell at him, but I was turned on as fuck. My socks came off with my jeans and then my fingers were tugging at my boxers, freeing my cock from their tight confines. It slapped against my stomach. I could feel his eyes on me. Feel him staring.

  “Fuck,” he whispered.

  I knelt over him again, watching Jonah take in every inch of me. Watching his normally light green eyes turn dark with unrepressed need. He didn’t stop me when I peeled back his shorts and boxers, tugging them down his legs. And he certainly didn’t stop me staring at him too. All of him. My mouth watered at the sight of Jonah’s solid body. I had to swallow it back when I looked at his cock. His beautiful, hard cock. I couldn’t help touching it, wrapping my hand around his girth and stroking slowly. He whimpered but didn’t move, allowing me to explore him. I raised my head and looked into his eyes.

  “Is this what you want from me, Jonah? Do you want me to give it to you? Is this what you fucking well imagined when you thought about us together? Or did you think it would be the other way around, huh? Me on my back with you towering over me.”

  His mouth opened but no sound came out. It made my lips curve upwards. Perhaps it was my anger coming out. My anger with myself and him. I’d never spoken to Lana like that, but there was history between me and him. Fucking history we couldn’t erase. It wouldn’t disappear and leave us alone because we’d forged a connection which went far deeper than I ever realised.

  “Answer me.”

  “This, exactly this,” he panted out as I continued to stroke him. “I don’t… I don’t like to top. Fuck, don’t stop.”

  It wasn’t what I expected from him. For him to want me like this, but fuck, I wasn’t going to complain about it.

  “I won’t, but you did tell me you want me to fuck you.”

  “I do.”

  “Then what’s next?”

  He reached out towards his bedside drawers, tugging it open. He gave me a look. I shifted up and peered inside. Then I pulled out the lube and a condom, dumping them on the bed next to us.

  “Can… can I touch you?” he all but whispered.

  “You think I wasn’t going to let you?”

  He shrugged a little like he’d given over all the control to me even though he was telling me what to do. This was fucked up, but I didn’t care.

  “Touch me if that’s what you want, I’m not going to stop you.”

  His hand met my chest and ran down it. The softness of his touch surprised and thrilled me at the same time. When his fingers curled around my cock, I grunted, loving the way he gripped it firmly and stroked me back. His eyes flicked up to mine.

  “I’ve pictured you so many times, but in reality… you’re perfect.”

  I leant down and caught his mouth. It was a wild battle again, each of us wanting more and more. His hand left my cock and wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him like he wanted my body flush with his.

  “Please,” he moaned in my mouth. “I need you.”

  I fumbled next to us, finding the lube and flicking the cap open. I had some idea of how this would go even if I’d not done it before. Pulling away slightly, I squirted some on my fingers and reached down. Jonah’s eyes travelled the length of us and he let out a groan as I touched him. When I ran my finger around his hole, he swallowed hard. I couldn’t stop staring at him. The way his pupils looked like they’d blown and his chest rapidly rising and falling.

  “Put it in me,” he panted out. “Please.”

  I did what he asked, I pressed against him with my finger. The moment it slid in, he groaned and I almost fucking died. He was hot and tight in a way I wasn’t expecting. Having only experienced touching pussy, this was different, but in a good way. In a really fucking good way.

  “Stretch me out, Raphi, then fuck me,” he whispered as if the words scared him because once we did this, there was no going back.

  My mouth was on his again, swallowing his words whilst I did as he asked. I fucked him with my finger before adding a second and not long after, a third. He was arching into me and writhing as if this was exactly what he needed. His cock rubbed against mine and it only made me want him more. Want all of this.

  “How do you want me to fuck you?” I murmured against his mouth.

  “Like this, just like this. I want to see you.”

  “Now?”

  I pressed my fingers deeper and he moaned in response. His acquiescence to me was intoxicating. I thrived off it. It made me all the more eager to have him. To be inside him.

  “Jonah, now, do you want me now?”

  “Yes,” he whimpered. “Now, please.”

  I pulled my fingers from him and sat up on my knees, grabbing the condom. He watched me roll it on and when I coated myself in lube. He pulled his legs up, bending them at the knee. I looked down, placing a hand on the back of his thigh for leverage as I shifted forward. Seeing him waiting for me to impale him on my length like this only turned me on further.

  I glanced up at his face, finding him staring at me with nothing but desire and need. He bit his lip as I pushed against him with the tip of my cock. There was some resistance, but I applied more pressure. He gave way a moment later, letting me slide the first couple of inches of my cock inside him. I choked out a breath.

  Fuck me, he’s so tight.

  “Oh fuck,” he moaned. “Fuck… don’t stop, don’t… don’t stop.”

  I pushed deeper, trying to breathe through it since I was so fucking turned on right then. He panted with each inch, making me wonder if I was hurting him in any way, but he looked like he was in ecstasy. I pulled back and drove back in, keeping a slow, but steady pace.

  “Yes, Raphi, please, fuck… please fuck me.”

  “You sure?”

  “Please.”

  I pulled out and thrust in a few times, not really putting too much weight behind it as I was trying to loosen him up a little more. He reached out and grabbed my arm, tugging me over him and forcing me into giving more. Then his mouth was on mine, kissing me for all he was worth as my hands landed next to his head. He bit down on my bottom lip as if ordering me to give it to him properly. Give it to him in the way he and I both wanted.

  I pulled back and thrust harder this time, making him moan in my mouth. I could feel his cock against my stomach with each thrust, throbbing restlessly. It only spurred me on further.

  “Oh fuck, there, fuck, right there,” he groaned, turning his mouth from mine.

  I shifted my hips and kept hitting the spot he’d asked, realising I was rubbing right up against his prostate. He gripped me so tightly, making it hard for me to stop from coming. This experience was nothing like being with a girl, but it was just as good. It felt just as fucking wonderful. In a lot of ways, doing this with Jonah felt right.

  I kissed him again as he reached between us, gripping his cock and stroking it. My thrusts became harder and more erratic, right on the edge of orgasm, but keeping a lid on it so this didn’t end too quickly.

  “Harder,” he grunted. “Fuck me harder.”

  “If I do that, I’m going to come.”

  “Then come, fuck, please, just give it to me.”

  The need in his voice made it impossible to say no. I gave it to him harder, listening to his erratic breathing and moans of pleasure. His fist around his cock moved faster between us, driving him towards the edge.

  Everything inside me tightened and I could no longer stop the onslaught of need. I pounded into him harder. Then I erupted, groaning and shuddering into his neck as I came. A moment later, I f
elt his hot cum splattering against my stomach and his hand.

  “Fuck,” he gasped, his body twitching against mine.

  We were both panting as we came down. I didn’t think I could move. The whole experience had been overwhelming and completely unexpected. I kissed his neck, running my tongue over his pulse point as his free hand curled around my waist.

  “Raphi,” he whispered.

  “Yeah?”

  “Was it okay for you?”

  I raised my head and stared down at him. His eyes were wide and full of caution.

  “What do you mean, was it okay for me?”

  “You’re not freaked out, right?”

  I frowned.

  “Why on earth would I be freaked out?”

  “Because… because you said you didn’t want this before. That you didn’t want me.”

  His words hit me square in the chest, making it ache. The worry in his eyes had me swallowing.

  “I didn’t mean what I said three years ago. I didn’t mean a single fucking word of it. I’m sorry I said any of it. I’m sorry I hurt you and used her words. I’m so sorry.” I reached up and brushed his blonde hair out of his eyes before cupping his cheek. “I want you, Jonah, so fucking much it hurts. So no, I’m not freaked out.” I dragged my thumb over his bottom lip. “Admittedly, I wasn’t exactly expecting you to want me to fuck you, but the moment you said it, I wanted it too.”

  And I had. I wanted all of him like this, but I also knew we had a lot to talk about. There were many things we needed to say to each other. I didn’t want to yet. I needed a few more minutes of me and him together like this. I wanted to savour it. Those precious moments where anger had given away to desire and desire had given way to hot, explosive sex.

  It hadn’t been like that with Lana. Not at all. No, with Jonah it had been pure passion, want and need. I didn’t want reality to intrude and force me into facing up to the fact I’d confirmed to myself I was way too into Jonah to be anything other than not completely straight.