Fifth Born

by Zelda Lockhart

  Mama ran from Deddy, to protect the new life in her belly. He stopped, laughed, and glared at her, his arms still bound by Lamont and Towandas grip.

  Dont be tellin people you dont like who I bring home from Mississippi. My family good as yours, and I pay the goddamn bills here. If I decide to put anybody in my damn family up, it aint none of your business!

  The tavern, the front porch, and the church were places of gossip. If you said something on the phone in your own house, you were sure to have somebody on the West Side of St. Louis tell it back to you the next day.

  I tried to stay quiet in the midst of the commotion, quiet because when Deddy got drunk the sight of me in his peripheralvision made him angry. My constant tears and clinginess to babyhood, or something about where I fell in the birth line of his offspringfifth-born, another girlsomething agitated him at his very core. He turned and looked right at me.

  Bernice, you caint even make this one shut the hell up. She about big as the rest of them and still in the damn baby bed. He stumbled over to me, and I cried in dry screams for Mama.

  Im sick of your damn mouth now, shut the hell up! Deddy moved out of Lamont and Towandas grip as if he had never intended to break free until now. Mama yelled his name only one time, then doubled over in her first contraction.

  In the scramble of noise and objects my baby bed was just another piece of furniture for him to throw, and make a point, for Mama not to meddle in his business. Me and my quilt doll fell like petals tossed on Granmamas grave. The mattress and the wood came crashing down, hammering me to the grates of the floor vent.

  My left eye dripped blood into the darkness. I heard Mama cry, Loni, you done gone crazy, and Deddy yelled in a cocky defense, Stay out of my damn business and take care of the kids you got.

  My sisters and brothers were quiet. The only noise was their sniffling over the debris of the baby bed, like I was dead. I waited for Mama to scoop me up, but as I drifted away all I could feel was the weight of my mattress.

  Mama had false contractions that night, or maybe she knew that Deddy would stop acting a fool if he thought she was about to give birth to the son he wanted. When he found outshe was pregnant, he smiled and sucked his teeth, leaning toward us kids. Thats my little nigga in there. Gone grow up and play some ball.

  He had already given up on Lamont and Roscoe growing up to play for the St. Louis Cardinals. Too many goddamn women in this family make all the boys turn into pussies.

  In the morning Mama sat me on her lap on the toilet, took a piece of gauze with cool water, and wiped the dried blood off my face. She held me up to the mirror. See? Boo-boos all gone. Let Mama kiss it up to God.

  Her wet lips felt cool where my eye still burned, and in the mirror the two of us looked like brown and fuzzy balls, like when the bathroom was steamed up from us girls taking our bath. I tried to rub my eyes to make things look clear, but Mama said, Ah-ah-ah! You caint rub it now. You gotta be more careful climbing out of that bed at night. You gonna worry me to death. And I saw myself doing what had never happenedclimbing out of my baby bed and landing facedown on the vent in Mamas story. I let her words and her touch soothe the pain. What Deddy did was bad, but Mama nervously bounced me on her knee, calming us both until the image of me climbing out of the bed became a memory that didnt include Deddy.

  We didnt go to church that morning, because Mama kept our church clothes in her closet, and Deddy was in there sleeping. She carried me on her hip into the kitchen, and I let my leg curve around to touch her pregnant belly. It was hard and tight now, and I squeezed to let the baby know that I was still the baby.

  I could hardly see anything that morning. When Mama let me down, I hid under the kitchen table and listened to her make biscuits with flour, Crisco, and milk. Deddy couldnt see me under the table, but I could hear him coming. I peeked outto find Mamas legs, and with my busted eye they looked like big fuzzy brown trees. When Deddy sat down, he drank slowly. The cup only lifted and slammed back down on the table every now and then. He slid his ashy legs forward and bumped into me.

  Bernice, why you let these kids play on the floor like they aint got no sense? He looked under the table, and all I could make out was the narrow shape of his face and his hair, which was growing into an Afro.

  Cry baby-baby, you gone have to cut all that cryin out soon as the Loni Junior get here. You bigger than Gretal and dont see her actin a damn fool all the time. I could tell from his tone that he couldnt remember me falling out of my bed any more than I could, and I was relieved that with his headache, he couldnt see me any better than I could see him that morning.

  Mama said softly, Loni, leave her alone, she aint feelin good this mornin.

  Hell, Im the one with the damn headache, and all you can think about is which one a these kids is actin up rather than doin somethin useful around here. His chair rumbled against the floor as he scooted back to leave, and I unclenched my quilted doll.

  Mamas face was a dark brown shadow. I could smell the life inside of her belly, her sweat gone from sharp to bland with milk that swelled inside her breasts. If she got close enough, I could tell if she was about to sing or yell. But her voice and eyes and mouth were confusing on Sunday mornings after Deddy had been drunk. She went from singing the sweet hymns that she was supposed to be singing in church to yelling at us kids, Lamont, Towanda, Roscoe, LaVern, Odessa . . . come here right now, goddamn it!

  In church the next Sunday, Mama didnt go to the choir stand. I sat with her on the pew in front of the other kids, with Uncle Chet and Aint Fanny.

  Mama asked Uncle Chet, Did you tell Loni that I was complainin about Devon and Gretal?

  Now you know I havent told that no-good fool nothin.

  Well, somebody said somethin. Maybe he did that shit of giving Roscoe money to tell him what I been doin or sayin when he aint home.

  Did he do somethin to you, Bernice?

  Naw, we just had a argument.

  Well, what happened to Odessas eye? The two of them stared forward and clapped with the music while Uncle Chet waited for Mamas response. I leaned over and watched them and watched Aint Fanny sing and clap, lost in the music. Mama paused long before she answered. I know you aint thinkin Loni did somethin to her?

  I just asked a question, Bernice.

  She fell out that damn baby bed.

  You need to watch your mouth in church, Bernice. What she still doin in the baby bed?

  I guess she call herself keepin me from having this baby. But after what she did to herself, she been sleepin in the bottom bunk bed with LaVern ever since. Mama chuckled, and so did Uncle Chet. He seemed content that Mama had a response; any response would do so long as, like Towanda said, He wouldnt have to break his daily routine and do something different.

  Uncle Chet looked over and frowned at me; the lid over my left eye was still swollen. The scab was the shape of a square on the vent, and was black and crusty. Bernice, maybe you oughtto take her to the eye doctor just to make sure it didnt mess with her sight none.

  The choir was singing faster and happier now. The heat of the August morning had folks passing out with the Holy Spirit. My aunts lifted up the spirits in a four-part harmony while the other choir members stomped and flailed. In my fuzzy vision the wide sleeves of their purple robes made them look like big butterflies.

  Mama respected Uncle Chets opinion, unlike that of any of her other sisters and brothers, because after he married Aint Fanny, he was the churchgoin uncle who didnt drink or dance or none of that stuff. They said he grew up to be like Granmama, a real sanctified Christian. So with Deddys say-soDo what you want, but we aint got money to spend on foolishnessMama took me to the eye doctors.

  They dilated my pupils and took turns breathing next to my face. I tried not to breathe in their breath because Towanda said, If you kiss a white person or breathe their breath, you will grow up and have white babies.

  The doctors words were fragmented, but by the end of a week I pieced together what they had said. We can d
o these experiments on legal blindness in exchange for free eye care and glasses.

  On the last day, I was fitted for frames and waited two silent hours while Mama held my hand until my new glasses came. They were warm and smelled like Windex. The nurse placedthem snug on my nose, being careful not to touch me. These are some purty frames for a cute little Negro girl.

  In the mirror I stared long and hard at how the roundness of my baby face had gone and left my Granmamas high cheekbones, angular beneath my brown shiny Negro skin. My short hair was sticking out of the one-inch ponytails, and I could smell my burned, pressed hair. My right lens was thin, my left, thick.

  Mama peered into the mirror, like she was trying to recognize me from some time long ago; her face was wide with being pregnant. The two of us stared at each other for a moment and saw what was familiar, and what was sharp and different.

  When we stepped out onto Kings Highway, I was amazed at how clear and clean everything looked. I had forgotten how crisp the edges of things were. Mama stood with me, waiting to cross the eight lanes. Her hands clutched her purse. She had turned cold after staring at me in the mirror, and my hand dangled patiently waiting for her to see fit to hold it again.

  She looked irritated, and I wondered if she was about to have another contraction. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I knew it might mean a sharp look, or my arm yanked. The two of us stood like separate fortresses of skin and bone. In the median I could see the distinct colors of the black-eyed Susans. They reminded me of Granmamas yard, and I remembered when I couldnt run fast enough to catch up with the other grandchildren in Mississippi, who were running in to get dinner, and Granmama lifted me up from behind and I could fly. Her legs were so long that I was already on the porch with her while the rest of them were still kicking up orange dirt. She whispered in my ear, This my baby, because she love my greens and rutabagas.

  I fantasized Granmama there on Kings Highway with me.She lifted me over Mama, over cars, and into the passenger seat of our old station wagon; its brown interior held me safe and warm while I watched Mama, her legs landing far apart to balance the weight of the new baby. I giggled inside of myself and came back to the moment. The light was blinking Walk, and Mama was halfway to the car, her body forward but her head half turned, her gold tooth shining. Odessacome on! I ran to catch up, trying not to jostle the pain behind my eyes.

  Mama went to the end of August with false contractions, then the day before my first day of morning kindergarten I was worrying her to death about my hair. I begged for Mama to put my hair up in what we called a doo-doo ball. She kept saying, Odessa, you dont have enough hair for that, now stop askin.

  But Gretal is wearing hers like that tomorrow.

  You aint Gretal. Now quit worryin me to death. And she doubled over in another bout of contractions, but by now I was convinced that they occurred as a result of being worried to death.

  Every morning me and Gretal walked up Kennedy Avenue with Lamont, Towanda, Roscoe, and LaVern, the six of us a herd of noise and movement, jackets, and books. Every day at noon Gretal and I waited for each other and walked home holding hands, like Mama had told us to.

  Mama stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and Deddy made Cousin Devon come downstairs and watch me in the afternoon until the other kids got home. Devon was tall and beautiful. At seventeen she already had a throaty cigarette voice, and with her Mississippi drawl it made her sound like some character out of the movies.

  Deddy was home eating his version of luncha can of Spam, leftover rice with hot sauce, and crackers. When Gretal and I came through the door, he walked out into the backyard and yelled, Devon, get on down here so I can go back to work! Then he said to the two of us, who stood hand in hand in the kitchen door, Sit down and eat your rice. Thats all Deddy could make, and he seemed annoyed that he had to make it, and that he had to tell two people so small to sit down and eat it.

  Devon came through the back door and smacked her lips in discontent. Uncle Loni, you gonna pay me for baby-sittin?

  You got a roof over your head and groceries and an allowance, now I aint gonna be lettin you make no fool out of me, girl. Do what I tell you, hear?

  Devon put her fists on her hips, rolled her neck, and marched out to the TV in the hallway. Im gonna call Ranell and Racine and tell them you aint even got enough money to pay me to baby-sit.

  Deddy scooted away from the table, followed her down the hall, grabbed her arm, and squeezed Devons red cheeks between his oily fingers and kissed her hard on the lips. I looked across at Gretal, who was eating her bowl of rice like she was starved. The two of them stayed locked in a kiss. Deddy grunted with his whole mouth over Devons lips and pressed his body on her, the same way Roscoe pressed his privates hard to the floor. I couldnt stop looking at the two of them, the muscles going limp between my legs.

  Devon broke away and smiled nervously. You crazy, Loni.

  You gonna tell Ranell and Racine what? Deddy pinched her nipples through her sweater and grinned. Devons tough exterior was melted now. She frowned in disappointment and flopped down on the couch in the sitting space. Nothin.

  When Deddy left, Devon emptied out her blue-jean purse that was full of mangled dolls, nail polish, nail polish remover, cigarettes, chewing gum, and a pad of paper for writing down dollar amounts from The Price Is Right.

  She made it clear to me: Sit down and dont ask for nothin because I aint gettin up to get nothin.

  She shouted at the TV and lifted her cigarette for puff after puff. Gretal sat on the floor next to her and teased the hair of a naked doll while she stared at the TV too. Both of them were almost white like the pictures of Deddys mother, with black silky hair, Devons teased into a floppy Afro and Gretals pulled back in one long ponytail. Devon looked over at me every now and then and frowned, and Gretal acted like now she was too good to hold my hand. Instead, when Devon frowned at me, Gretal stuck out her tongue.

  The closer it got to three oclock, the more Devon looked at her watch so she could trade places with Towanda. When Towanda came in the front door, Devon clicked off the TV, grabbed Gretal, and stormed out the back door.

  4

  Protectors

  When Mama brought the baby home, she treated me different. When I came to her with tissue now"Mama, the booger man is in my nose again"she just told me to blow, not to pick. When she pressed my hair now, she used her knees rather than her thighs to hold my shoulders still, and she didn't take the time to brush each piece of hair, she just yanked it through the hot comb so she could finish before Baby Benson was done with his nap. I wasn't her baby anymore, and I knew it had something to do with the eight pounds of crying, wetting, pooping Benson, but I also knew it had something to do with all the time she had to spend wondering if Deddy was going to come home drunk. In the daytime she bleached the dishes, the kitchen counter, the baby's diapers, saying, "Sometimes things don't smell right unless you kill all the germs."

  For the first few days after Mama got back from the hospital, Devon stayed upstairs and waited for Deddy to come home for lunch and bring her allowance. Then she came running down the back steps and cut through the gangway to go catch the bus to the mall without even coming to pick up Gretal from downstairs. Gretal watched Devon out the girls room window, then ran to the front to see her mama leave.

  Mas gonna buy me a toy.

  Mama huffed, Mas gonna cut this shit out and get a job.

  One day when me and Gretal got home from school, Mama was fixing Devons hair, getting her ready to go to the unemployment office.

  Bernice, I want to be here when Loni brings me my money. I need bus fare.

  Mama yanked Devons head back in place. Ill give you bus fare. You need to get downtown before it gets later in the day, and when you get down to the unemployment office, talk like you got some gumption, not like some old country nigga. And go back upstairs and put on a blouse where your teats aint hangin out. Aint nobody gonna hire somebody who sounds ignorant and looks like a floozy.

&
nbsp; That afternoon, Gretal and me took a nap in the girls room. Deddy was late coming home for lunch, so Mama and Benson took a nap in her bed. Mama fell asleep first, and Gretal started running her mouth and only paused to say to me, Shhhhwhisperrr. We tiptoed to the bathroom to play in the soap and water, and for Gretal to show me her tongue. It had cracks like dry earth. She stood on tiptoes and took down Mamas toothbrush, just reached up and grabbed one of the seven brusheswithout seeing whose was whose. She said, You not supposed to just brush your teeth. You can kill extra germs if you brush your tongue.

  Gretal was never afraid of saying and doing what she wanted, and I couldnt understand how she and I went to the same school yet she came home with songs and stories that were nasty, while I was happy at the discovery of The Cow Jumped over the Moon. In the bathroom she whispered a new song for me to learn.

  My mama and your mama were sitting on a bench

  My mama called your mama a big fat son-of-a-

  Pitched me out the window and landed on a rock

  Along came a bumblebee and stung me on my

  Cocktails and ginger bread cost fifteen cents a glass

  If you dont like it you can kiss my rusty

  Ask me no questions and I shall tell no lies

  Just follow me to my house and Ill

  Fuck you till you die.