Fifth Born

by Zelda Lockhart

  After a while Mama woke up. Whisper your asses back in that bed!

  After Gretal, Mama, and Benson fell asleep, I was lonely and bored. While I lay there and hoped to fall asleep, I recited, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. . . . As I lingered just before dreams, I heard Deddy walking in Devon and Gretals apartment, then heard him slam our kitchen door. His voice slurred, Where the hell is everybody. Hey, Bernice! I heard Mama stir and get up to lock her bedroom door. Shemumbled, Your drunk ass aint comin in here waking up this baby.

  Gretal lay still as a rock, her mouth wide open, snoring. Finally the house got quiet, and I imagined Deddy asleep on the sofa in the hallway. When I rolled over, Deddy was right behind me, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding the doll that Granmama had made for me. The look in his eyes was an evil coldness.

  I asked carefully, Deddy, can I have my Nakie doll? I was afraid he was going to squeeze it till the batting came out of it.

  Shut up. You dont need this shit. Who gave you this shit?

  Even though he knew who had given me my doll, I answered, Granmama.

  Deddy was wearing the sleeveless T-shirt that I could always see sticking up from the neck of his gray service station uniform.

  I rubbed my eyes and hoped he would give me my doll and go away without tearing up anything in the room. His hand came down and sealed off my whole face, airtight like Mamas canning jars. I tried to cry through the small spaces between his fingers, but instead my body screamed. The passages in my mind filled with the smell of old motor oil and beer, and the room went black, then light again, and then there were the hairs on Deddys chest, sharp. He was clutching me close to him.

  Pain throbbed in my thighs. He was hurting where I peed, shoving my Nakie doll between my legs. You want this goddamn doll, huh? Huh? His hand and the roughness of Nakies stitching burned like bathwater, too hot, scalding. And I wondered in terror what he was doing to me. What if Gretal woke up and saw my pants down and Deddy with his hand betweenmy legs? Where was Mama? Couldnt she hear the whimpering noise I was trying so hard not to make? I pulled at my panties, but his dirty hand was moving fast against his pee-pee and my bare skin. Deddys sweat dripped onto my face and stung with stale beer. I tried to squirm from under him, but he groaned and let the weight of his body down on me, and everything was black again.

  I floated there in the void between awake and sleep. I could feel my feet small and new, walking over Granmamas sandy porch. I climbed up in her lap and buried my face in her breasts, bleach and sun on her cotton dress. She put Nakie to my chest before rocking me. Look, baby, now thats just for you. All my quilts is in here. Im gonna be with you no matter where you is, and her voice trailed off as I watched the white puff of clouds sail past the moon, the rhythm of her chair consoling me into a deep sleep.

  The light from outside the girls room window cut across the room, and I gasped to breathe and to cry. Deddy wiped his hand on my shirt and put it over my mouth. The smell of his body was sticky mucus on my face, and my stomach convulsed, smelling him. He picked me up and turned me facedown on the bed. Gretal was still sleeping sound, her bangs matted to her forehead in sweat. He pulled the covers up over my shoulders and put his chapped lips to my earlobe: Keep your goddamn mouth shut. You hear me? Keep your fuckin mouth shut.

  I cried in my body and didnt let sound come from my mouth. I wanted to stop breathing. Instinctively I knew that I should die. That my body should curl into itself over and over until I disappeared.

  I could feel Mama in the next room not stirring, her heartbeat racing trying to sleep deeper and deeper, trying not to hear. I wanted to turn my head to see if she was standing in the doorway watching Deddy and me, but I held my breath and waited for the dizziness to put me back to sleep.

  When Gretal shook me, the sobering smell of coffee had filled the house, and I heard Deddy in the kitchen eating his lunch and laughing in his drunkenness. His baritone voice throbbed inside my ear. And there was my doll, Nakie, tucked tight under the covers with me; blood stained the pattern that used to be Nakies face. I remembered the beer on Deddys breath, his hand around my doll, ripping me with the only thing that meant Granmama to me. When I threw Nakie to the floor, Gretal yelled out, Dont throw Nakie. I want him if you dont. I put the covers over my head and pressed my body into my own bloodstains. I hoped Id sink past the mattress, the floor, the basement.

  Gretals voice was sharp in my ears, You better get up, Dessa, Bernice made hamburgers for lunch. I squirmed back under the covers and told Gretal, Im sick, and let go of my tears, because if I was sick, it would be okay to cry.

  Between my legs stung and I could still feel the pressure of Deddys hand in me; my panties were cold and sticky with blood. I looked at the window and watched our turtle Chugalugs swim around in the bowl that used to hold Mamas plant cuttings. He bobbed his nose on the surface of the water, his neck stretched out like my baby finger. I watched him until breathing was easy again. I thought about winter coming, about the leaves all falling off the trees and the city going gray.All the old trash cans in the alley wouldnt be covered by bushes anymore. I would be able to see in everybodys backyard on our street, and they would all look shabby, familiar. Sometimes if snow came and covered up the dingy sidewalks, Mama put a bucket in the backyard to catch the flakes and make real snow cones. If my throat was sore she let me have as many as I wanted.

  The one sheet on the bed wasnt enough to keep me from shaking while I listened to Deddys voice on the other side of the wall.

  Bernice, get me another beer.

  You aint got no business drinkin like that in the middle of the day. Drink some coffee.

  You aint got no business tryin to tell me what I need.

  Then Mamas house shoes across the floor, complying.

  When he went back to work, Mama came in with her homemade rum and lemon cough syrup. Sit up and take this. She pulled the covers off, and her eyes darted around at the splotches of red that stained the sheets. Her face froze, a fork of wrinkles forming on her forehead. She bit her lip and never raised her eyes to look at me. I lay there, still shaking. My eyes begged for her to hold my stiff body. When she didnt say anything, I cried out loud, Mama! I called out her name over and over. Why wouldnt she touch me? Towanda said, Dont touch the bird eggs in the backyard, because if you put your dirty hands on them, the mother will kick them out of her nest.

  When she looked at me, I could tell that behind her lips she was gritting her bottom teeth against her gold tooth. I wasnt sure what she was going to do, so I looked in her eyes and started telling her what happened. Deddy, Deddy he came in here But looking in her eyes, I knew she had heard, she had heard me whimpering. She had heard because when one ofus groaned with a fever, she came without waiting for us to call out, she just knew to come.

  Shut up! You hear me? Her big hand, still smelling like bleach from washing Bensons diapers, crashed down and stung my bruised thigh over and over, until everything went black again. In my dream, I was lost and could hear Granmama ask, Where is Odessa? I giggled and hid under the porch and waited for her to say playfully, Maybe Ill look under the porch. Maybe shes under there. But this time I waited and waited, sisters and brothers sneakers passed by, and no one remembered to look for me. I was so heavy with sadness that I couldnt lift my head to call out for Mama or Deddy, who seemed so far away.

  When I woke up, Speed Racer was on. The other kids were home from school with their backs to me, singing with the TV. I put the covers over my head to get away from the light of the TV and the smell of the full cup of homemade cough syrup still next to the bed. I was in my pajamas now and the covers were white again, my panties were clean. Bensons A & D Ointment covered the burning spots on my thighs and the place where I was torn between my legs. I must have slept through Mama cleaning me up, through Devon coming for Gretal, who was gone, and so was my Nakie doll.

  Mama told my teacher, Mrs. Lawson, Shes gonna have to stay home till I can get this flu to break. I sure hope my ot
her babies dont get it. I watched soap operas while she bleached the walls in the girls room and scrubbed the wooden floor with Mr. Clean. Then she breast-fed Benson and bleached the dishes and cleaned the oven. She said I was a big girl now and didntneed naps anymore, so when Deddy came home for lunch, she let me watch TV in the sitting space of the hall.

  He stepped over me when he came in and asked Mama, What you got the kids home from school for?

  Loni, Odessas the only one home. She sick.

  Sick with what? When I was comin up, sick or not, you did what you was supposed to do, pick cotton, bale hay. He looked back down the hall at me from the kitchen table, and I was careful not to look back. Mama said, Loni, let that chile get better. She aint feelin good. She gave me rum and lemon cough syrup three times a day, and when it didnt hurt to walk anymore, I went back to school. I knew that Deddy couldnt remember what he had done to me, and after a while I couldnt remember either.

  5

  Gretals Game

  Iwent into first and second grade with my neck and arms growing out of my body like new tree limbs. Glasses and all, I learned to run and fall, jump double Dutch, play street ball and run-across, and my knees got scabby and dark just like the other big kids. Even though I still worked hard to put myself in the way of Mama's touchher hand cupping her own breast for feeding Benson, her hand mashing cornmeal and canned salmon into pattiesI reluctantly walked into the reality that her affection for me had shifted, like earth slipping off earth in Midwest floods.

  Now Gretal was the kid who got left out of games. Nobody wanted her on their team. But the older I got, the more I liked Gretal, because she knew secrets about life that I didn't, and she was different. She talked country and was never shy about it. If somebody teased her, she didn't walk away but put herhands on her hips, rolled her neck, and cussed like she was grownShut up, you bucktooth motha-fucka.

  Mama and Deddy didnt whip Gretal for stuff that they would have killed us for. My other sisters and brothers hated her, because she and Devon were taking money out of our family, and thinking themselves better than us. But saying anything to them about how country they were would have meant a whipping. It wasnt easy for Lamont and Towanda to keep their mouths shut while watching Gretal do things like blow spit bubbles from between her big blood-red lips, or drool spit on knee sores, saying it was like peroxide because it bubbled. Lamont and Towanda made us laugh by making up names for Gretal. Shes the most spitty, high-yellow, country, Howdy Doodylookin fool in our family. But Gretal kept thinking she was better than us and took to calling us black niggers. Even still, she always asked Mama, Aint Bernice, can I come in and play? or, Uncle Loni, can I spend the night?

  Every time Gretal spent the night, she tried to get one of us kids to call up the spirit of Ella Mae.

  Ella Mae! Ella Mae!

  We asked Lamont what is the Ella Mae game, and he was happy to have his opportunity to scare us.

  Every kid in the Blackburn and Lacey family knows the tale. Ella Mae is the ghost of a crazy woman who drowned in Grandeddys well after Granmama had helped deliver her born-dead baby. Everybody down in Mississippi says Ella Maes baby died in Grandeddys bathroom. They say that after Ella Mae was found dead in the well, her ghost could be seen in the bathroom mirror at night moaning for her baby. Her ghost has fire red skin, glowing green eyes, wild black hair, and long killer fingernails. If you go in the bathroom, shut the door, and turn off all the lights, you can look into the darkness of themirror and call her up, Ella Mae! Ella Mae! When you see her coming, though, you had better turn on the light and get the hell out of the bathroom or she will scratch and claw you to death, and then disappear back into the dark mirror.

  By then even Gretal was a little scared, but she kept asking me while Towanda, Roscoe, and LaVern kept watching TV. Gretal never got anyone to try it, but told us shed give a demonstration. We waited in the hall and stared at the bathroom door, listening to her drawling Mississippi voice call from the bathroom, Ella Mae! Ella Mae! Then the light showed under the door and Gretal came out to tempt us to try it. Yall gotta go in there, elsen yall never gonna see her scary face.

  One night Gretal came downstairs to spend the night, and Mama and Deddy were down at Uncle Lelands tavern. So Lamont turned the bathroom light on and off until the bulb blew. He made us kids promise to say that Gretal was lying if she called the tavern to tell Mama and Deddy about the trick he was going to play on her.

  As usual, Gretal asked, Anybody want to play Ella Mae?

  Lamont said, Yeah, but you show me again first. Gretal went into the bathroom. Ella Mae! Ella Mae!

  Lamont held the knob with both hands, his short body strained, both feet on the frame on either side of the door, and the other four of us held his arms and waist and pulled with him.

  The light switch clicked and clicked, and then Gretal started pulling the doorknob. She said nothing. The only noises were the clicking of the light switch, the sound of her sweaty palms losing their grip, and the grunts of us pulling and holding our laughter. She was silent until we heard her slam against the wall, then let loose a long screech, like the woman in The Blob. Glass broke, things were falling. The commotionwas like the sound of our flat when Mama and Deddy got back from the tavernDeddy drunk, grown bodies slamming against walls. It sounded too familiar. We all started screaming except Lamont and Towanda, who were still laughing. Now we were pulling on Lamont to let Gretal out.

  Okay, dont be crybabies. He let go of the knob and did two cartwheels into the kitchen.

  We stared at the gap under the door, too scared to breathe, until the commotion stopped. The house was silent until Benson started rocking the baby bed, his stubby hands clenched around the bars. He was spitting and screaming from all the excitement. Finally the knob turned and Gretal stood in the door, and the light of the hallway drew her out of the darkness. Her permed hair was sticking up out of the ponytail, her bangs were thinner and scattered, her blouse was torn, and blood from the scratches on her face dripped red onto her white collar.

  I felt sorry for her. I knew that when Devon saw the blood on the new blouse that she bought her, Gretal would get a whipping. Devon would say, You think Im gonna keep buying you stuff for you to mess up?

  Every time Devon whipped Gretal, we knew, because it was always on Saturday mornings after the cartoons had gone off and Blondie was on. They ran back and forth over the sitting space, Gretal screaming and Devon shouting, Shut up! The bass in her voice rumbled in the floor vent so loud that we could hardly hear the TV.

  An hour later Devon would feel guilty for whipping Gretal and take her shopping. When they got back, Gretal would lean over the railing of the upstairs back porch and yell into the backyard, Mas gonna buy me some toys, and then, Na-na na-na-na.

  The night after Ella Mae, Gretal came back from shopping with Miss Lollipop Perfume. The bottle was shaped like an egg on a stand with the cartoon face of a beautiful blond girl with long eyelashes, wide eyes, two circles of blush, and bright red lips. The top came off and revealed a spray pump just like womens perfume. Mama was at the market, and Deddy was trying to take a nap to get ready for a party he and Mama were having that night. So Gretal wasnt allowed to come in the house, but that didnt stop her from singing her own version of the Miss Lollipop song off her back porch.

  Miss Lollipop is not for you

  Its pretty and new and not for you

  I think you smell like poo

  Lamont said, Ignore her, shell stop, but she ran downstairs and cupped her hands around her eyes to squint through our back screen door, into the kitchen and down the hallway where she could see the light from the TV. She kept whispering, Niggersniiii-gerrrrs.

  Lamont turned red and got up to chase her away, but Gretal ran off our porch and up her stairs before he could shut the door.

  Deddy was still snoring, and we were all quiet until we smelled Miss Lollipop perfume. We sniffed and followed the smell into the girls room, where on the other side of the window Gretal sat on the st
eps that went down from the upstairs porch, diagonally across the girls room window, and into the backyard. She sat on the stairs with her legs hanging down, straddling one of the wooden bars. Her skirt was hiked up, her stained yellow panties pressed against the bar, her arms extended. One hand squeezed the rubber bulb to pump thebottle, and the other got the bottle as close to the window as possible.

  The mist came through the screen and fell into the glass bowl where our turtle Chugalugs was floating, dead.

  Gretal didnt see us, and Lamont whispered, Lets take our chances of gettin a whuppin, lets beat her ass for all the hell she causes around here. Even though I always wanted to be with Gretal, something inside me hated her so much right then. I went with Lamont, Towanda, LaVern, and Roscoe. We barreled through the kitchen and out of the back door. Each of our five palms banged against the metal of the screen door to keep it from slamming on us, a sound that set Benson to screaming in his bed.

  Towanda pushed past all of us and skipped up the stairs two by two and grabbed Gretal by the tail of her skirt, just before she got to the upstairs porch. The Miss Lollipop bottle fell and crashed in the cement of the basement hole. Towanda dragged Gretal by the arm into the backyard, where Gretal broke loose and ran. She stood in the yard chanting, Im gonna tellIm gonna tell. Her cry echoed into the house, past the bedroom where Deddy snored, and down the hallway where they met with Bensons screams.

  We waited for Lamont to give the command. Get her!

  Roscoe and LaVern went after Gretal, and Lamont and Towanda cheered them on. I went and sat on the bottom step like I was watching Wrestling at the Chase, because I knew we were going to get it if Deddy woke up and saw us beating up Gretal. They ran her around and around the backyard until our dog, Dog, broke loose and joined the chase. Dog was the first to catch her. He lunged and knocked Gretal into the sunken gravel driveway and licked the tears off her screaming face. Roscoe and LaVern came crashing down on Gretal and Dog.