Fifth Born

by Zelda Lockhart

  The confusion stopped when Deddy burst out onto the porch in his sleeveless white T-shirt, which exaggerated his muscular arms, his pants still unzipped, and a belt wrapped partially around his fist.

  Line up and come past my belt! Im gonna whup everythang out here breathin!

  Lamont yelled back, You gonna have to whup the flies too!

  When Deddy left the house to go pick up the liquor for the party, we hung out in the sitting space and waited for Mama to get back from the market. We watched Soul Train so Lamont and Towanda could practice dancing, just in case Mama let them out of the girls room that night. On the commercials we begged for Lamont to repeat his famous comeback. Our fits of laughter got more and more quiet, but Lamont mocked Deddys baritone voice, and laughed loud and hard every time.

  6

  Soul Brotha

  Folks from both sides of the family came to the party, and brought their favorite liquor and their favorite Chess and Motown records. They were all dressed up: the women in high heels and skintight dresses, the men in high-water slacks with their shoes shined up. Muddy Waters howled out the blues, and our house turned into a tavern. Us kids were all stuffed in the girls' room with the TV.

  Gretal sat on the edge of the bed and stared at us. Lamont said, "She tryin to act like she possessed or somethin. Maybe she been touched by the curse of Ella Mae." All the kids laughed and pointed at Gretal, remembering how she called up the ghost. I put my arm around Gretal, even though she deserved their teasing for killing our turtle Chugalugs.

  After Wrestling at the Chase came on, the attention was off Gretal, and on Dick the Bruiser and the Masked Wrestler.When the Bruiser had the Masked Wrestler trapped in the scissors hold, me and Gretal snuck out of the room. The adults were drunk, and they paid us to do the Funky Chicken so many times that we almost fell asleep dancing, but we snapped out of it when one of the uncles pinched the wrong aunts behind, and a fight started. The police showed up, and everybody went home. Thats pretty much how all the parties they called club meetings went.

  That night I overheard Mama say, Hell, Loni, we made more money tonight than Leland probably did all weekend. From now on we doin a club meetin every Friday night. After a while we can buy our own tavern.

  Uncle Leland already owned a tavern and a store. He had the most money in the family, and all the women liked his style, the way he talked like a soul brotha and dressed neat and clean, cool, like no other man I knew. Those were all the things that Deddy wanted to be. Down in Mississippi, Deddys side of the family thought he had money because he threw it around. But while Deddy was skipping out on buying groceries and clothes for his kids, Leland was minding his own business and not trying to impress anybody. Mama said to Deddy, with her hands on her hips and her face mimicking somebody snotty, We dont need Leland lookin down his nose at us. Hell, if it wasnt for you, hed be some no-good nigga still down South somewhere. And if it wasnt for him hangin around Bo, he wouldnt know nothin about runnin a business. She acted like she couldnt stand Leland, but when he was talking, she melted just like the other aunts.

  Except for Uncle Chet and Aint Fanny, who were too sanctified for dancing, Uncle Leland was the only family member who hadnt been invited. Towanda said, Uncle Leland knows why Mama and Deddy dont invite him to club meetings.Deddys jealous, but Uncle Leland still lets them come to his tavern on Saturday nights and drink, because theyre customers just like anybody else, and money is green. Leland spent his Saturday nights wiping the counter and pouring drinks for the customers who couldnt help themselves. The word he used was alcoholic.

  When a mans got to have his drink, aint no amount of money or nothin else gonna stand in his way, and if a brotha is gonna be givin all his hard-earned money to somebody to fill up his little milk glass all night, it just as soon be me doin the pourin as opposed to some white man. Myself, I got enough things in this world chasing after my life, I dont need liquor too.

  Towanda said Deddy was an alcoholic, and thats what caused him to be looking for somebody to fight one minute, and then forget the whole thing by the next day and be laughing and trying to get Mama to pack us all up to go fishing. With Friday club meetings, Deddy had one more night a week that he was drunk, and he never seemed any closer to being a tavern owner.

  Mama taught us kids, You caint always be lookin at who has, and who dont. But in church I heard her whisper prayers, Lord, let Loni hurry up and make the money I know we can make. I have faith that he can do just as good as Leland. In Jesus name, Amen.

  I could feel the heaviness of her words. I opened my eyes and watched her when the whole church was whispering private prayers. I savored the last moments of seeing her without her seeing me. The congregations prayers quieted like the wings of settling birdsthen Amen, and Mama was on guard again.

  Praying and going to church was not Uncle Lelands thing. He said, I dont need God any more than I need alcohol. Yall go and hear that preacher preach every Sunday, and he aint doin no better than me. He just seein the opportunity to be the man taking up the money and passin out the relief. My kingdom is at the bank.

  He popped his gum, and dried another shot glass with a rag. My kingdom come, my will be done. He winked after saying something so bad and clever.

  The day after the next Friday-night club meeting, Mama did her usual routinegot up and took the station wagon full of us kids to Sulards Farmers Market on the south side of St. Louis. This way, she could spend her food stamps where nobody she knew would see her, and Deddy could wake up to a hot pot of coffee and work on his hangover with no kids around.

  It was the first cold day of fall. Mama got out of the car, using both hands to hoist herself up. She wasnt big yet, but I could tell she was pregnant again by the way her nose flattened out, her skin got smooth, and her hair got new and wispy, not nappy around the edges. She tapped for Lamont to roll down the back window. Im leaving the car running so yall can stay warm. Keep a eye on Benson, and dont come botherin me while Im tryin to shop.

  Lamont answered, Im fourteen, Mama, you dont have to tell me to behave.

  Fourteen aint too old for me to whup your ass. Dont talk back when Im talkin to you, boy.

  Lamont looked forward. Yes, maam. The older he and Towanda got, the more they challenged Mama. Whenever oneof them talked back, my heart beat as fast as it did when Mama and Deddy were about to argue. Mama said to Towanda, Change Bensons diaper while Im gone, and Towanda risked rolling her eyes in response.

  When Mama left, Lamont immediately taunted Roscoe, What you lookin at, fool?

  Roscoe answered with a pitiful look on his face, I aint lookin at you, Im lookin out the window.

  Lookin up at womens boobs and up skirts, you little pervert.

  I aint no pervert.

  LaVern said to both of them, We gonna all get in trouble because the two of yall actin a fool.

  Benson sat in his hooded coat being ignored. He was two now, and still wasnt potty trained. We could smell the urine in his heavy diaper right through his corduroys. He ate from a box of Cheez-Its and watched the rest of us bicker.

  I said to Towanda, Mama said change his diaper. He stinks, and she looked at me sideways.

  Odessa, I dont need you to tell me what to do. Hand me a diaper out the diaper bag, and the Wet Ones, and the Vaseline.

  She pushed Benson back on the seat, Lay down, and he jerked forward and vomited Cheez-Its all over Towandas coat, and all over the seat. The rest of us went screaming from the station wagon, reeling from the stench. Towanda yelled, Yall better get back in here and help clean it up.

  We were still at ages where Mamas absence sent us into an uncontrolled imbalance of mature behavior and asinine fits. We coaxed each other in and out of chaos, but there were times when no one could bring us back.

  Lamont said to me, Odessa, go tell Mama what happened. Maybe she wont get mad at you, Four Eyes. LaVern andRoscoe stood outside the station wagon holding their noses. Lamont shooed me away. Hurry up, girl, its gettin cold out here.

 
I walked into the pavilion and looked behind me to mark where the station wagon was and what entrance I had come through. As I passed stalls of steaming hot tamales, pumpkins, apples, hot cider, I counted vendors and scanned the crowd for Mamas brown face among the mostly white faces at the market. When I got to the last stall, I stopped and looked out at the cars that were at the far end of the market parking lot. The skyline above them was smokestacks from all the factories on the Southside. Dispersed among them was a tree here and there with orange and yellow leaves. I was about to turn around and count twenty-five stalls back to the car when I spotted a car like Uncle Lelands, a brown Chevy, newly waxed, with cream-colored interior and whitewall tires. And there was Mamas green coat, and Uncle Lelands hands in her hair. When I angled myself to see beyond the glare of the windshield, I could see that they were kissingkissing like on the soap operas. I had never seen Mama kissing Deddy. When I was very little, I remember them struggling while Deddy pushed her on the bed and shoved himself against her. I had seen Deddy kissing Devon, with his lips crammed against hers, her head against a wall with no place to go. But Leland was kissing Mama, and Mama was kissing him, slow and gentle, a dance of lips and hands.

  A man shouted from a stall, If yous not buyin, you need to move. Excuse me! Hey! Move from in front of the sausages, if yous not buyin.

  I looked up at him, carrying the confusion of what I had seen. He was a fat white man with nothing but a dirty T-shirt and an apron to shield him from the cold. If yous not buyin nothin, yous need to move.

  I snapped out of it. Yes, sir.

  When I got back to the car, Lamont said, Wheres Mama? And I lied, too embarrassed to admit what I had seen. I wanted time to ponder it before offering it up to the reasoning of my sisters and brothers. I only stuttered slightly before lying. Ahh, she wouldnt let me tell her. She said leave her alone till she gets back to the car. We all got back in, some of us in the front, some in the very back of the wagon, and held our noses, tempered by the smell and the cold. Towanda used the whole box of Wet Ones to clean it up.

  The next Saturday morning, when we got to Sulards Market, I got on Mamas nerves, Mama, please, can I come, please? The light bothers my eyes from sittin outside for so long.

  She yelled, No! Now get your ass back in the car, and I cried quietly, rubbing my eyes underneath my glasses, till she said, Goddamn it, come on. You gonna drive me crazy.

  When we got to the sausage stand, Mama ordered two Polish sausages, cut into thin slices for frying with eggs. She stared at the parking lot for a long time until finally she shook her head, and I pretended not to notice.

  The next week I pulled the same eye stunt. I tried to make sure that kissing didnt happen, so I went under the pavilion with Mama, where the light was dimmer. Uncle Lelands car didnt show up again, and I wondered if he and Mama kissed when her and Deddy went to Uncle Lelands tavern on Saturday nights. On my way to sleep at night, I thought about it and wondered if it would be so bad if Uncle Leland became my deddyhappy and giving Mama kisses on the cheek just to see her blush.

  I asked Towanda, Have you ever seen Mama and Deddy kiss? She answered without thinking, No. I think they staytogether because they feel like they have to. They should get a divorce, and let us kids go live in Mississippi with Mama, and Deddy can stay here.

  Whats divorce?

  Breakup, Odessa.

  If they break up, can Mama kiss somebody else if she wants to?

  Yeah, but for one thing, Deddy aint gonna break up with Mama without a fight, and two, if Mama ever kissed anybody, divorced or not, Deddy would show how big of a fool he can really be.

  Why you askin anyway?

  I stopped short of telling her what I had seen, because Towanda had the biggest mouth in our house. She wouldnt tell Deddy, but she would tell LaVern, and LaVern would tell Roscoe, and Roscoe would tell Deddy, if he gave him a dollar bill. So I answered her with what she would expect to hear.

  I sometimes just wish Mama was married to somebody else other than Deddy.

  Well, you old enough in the Blackburn family to know that what you wish Mama and Deddy would do, dont mean squat. I wondered then if I should just keep my mouth shut.

  7

  Aint Fannys House

  For Christmas, Grandeddy came up with Neckbone, and they stayed one night at each of Mama's sisters' houses, one night at Uncle Chet and Aint Fanny's house, and Christmas night at our house. Grandeddy made everybody sick going back for leftovers all evening and giving Neckbone the gristle off the turkey to chew. That night Mama had her first contraction, which meant that Grandeddy stayed in town to help out.

  It was a trade-off, putting up with Neckbone's smell in exchange for Deddy impressing Grandeddy with being nice to Mama.

  Deddy wrung his hands while he talked sweet to her. "Tell me what you need, Bernice, you know I'll climb a mountain for you." He then laughed nervously to see if Grandeddy was looking. "Make yourself at home, Bo, while I tend to Bernice." He bellowed commands at us kids. "Roscoe, go get your deddyand Grandeddy Bo a cold one out the refrigerator. You kids need to pick up your stuff around here. We got company. Odessa, get your Grandeddy Bo a pillow for his back.

  Grandeddy got up every morning and watched the war on TV, and Deddy came in to give his viewpoint. Sho-nuf is a mess. I tell you, if I hadnt messed up my foot in Korea, Id be over there fightin them gooks.

  Yeah, sho is a mess . . . sho-nuf is. This was Grandeddys first trip to St. Louis, and he sat like that, taking everything in: TV, leftover turkey, and the way his daughter and son-in-law lived. Yall doin better than all my folks up here. Got a big enough roof over your heads to have a great big old family, and plenty a food. He put the La-Z-Boy in the upright position and handed Towanda his plate for some more. She hid a frown from Deddy, but turned to us and made a fat face that made us giggle.

  When the baby cried, Deddy got up. Let me see if his deddy can get him to be quiet.

  Fortunately, ever since Granmama died, Grandeddy didnt like going to church. So when Sunday morning rolled around, he explained, You aint gonna catch me in no church except for funerals and weddings. So me and Neckbone gonna be gettin on down the road, now.

  As soon as they pulled off, Deddy lumbered into the bedroom, exhausted from his acting, and took a nap until it was time to get ready to go to Lelands tavern.

  The next week, Uncle Chets wife, Aint Fanny, came over almost every day and brought dinner for our family, saying, Now stay off your feet, Bernice.

  She took all of us by surprise, because up until now she acted like she was better than Uncle Chets family, because she was from Detroit. Which really meant that when she had graduated high school in Mississippi, she could afford to catch a train a little farther north than everybody else.

  We never suspected that her behavior was anything worse than weird. She came straight to the kitchen and put the pot down on the stove and went to hover over Mama and the baby, not saying much except an occasional Amen, thank you, Jesus, when she passed Daryl in his baby bed. Mama had meaningless conversation with her about church business. Aint Fanny didnt have much to say back, just sucked her teeth and folded diapers like she was concentrating heavily on something. Mama put up with her because she was glad to have the help after Deddy pretended to help for a week.

  Us kids were glad too, because it meant fewer trips to the store, which had gotten particularly grueling. We took turns and made a relay path back and forth through the snow. Grandeddy sent us for one thing, then five minutes later Deddy sent us for something else, then Mama would hear the door slam and think of something that needed to go in the stew, or pot roast or greens. Aint Fannys sudden charity cured this temporarily.

  One day she left the house, and Mama waited a long time for Baby Daryl to wake up and breast-feed, but he never did.

  Mama went around the house yelling at us, Wheres the baby? Where Daryl? Towanda! Bring the baby for me to feed him.

  About the same time that she realized none of us had him,Uncle Chet walked
through the door carrying Daryl wrapped in Aint Fannys church coat. He explained, Now calm down, Bernice, she didnt mean no harm. Lord knows she didnt mean no harm.

  Aint Fanny had fixed on the fact that she and Chet never had kids. Mama said, reaching for Daryl and almost crying, Lord, have mercy, Fanny done lost her mind.

  Aint Fanny never did give up on insisting that Mama had stolen her baby. When she realized that nobody was going to let her take Daryl, she just settled on making believe that one of the older kids was hersThe one with the long hair that looks just like Bernice. She reached right into our family like it was a basket too full of eggs and snatched my sister LaVern out.

  LaVern told me about the things Aint Fanny said when the two of them went to the beauty parlor to get LaVerns hair fixed for Easter Sunday. Now, I dont want you to want for anything, and I want you to get that old Mississippi sound out of your voice. I cant do anything about you living with the Blackburns, but you dont have to act like the rest of them.

  Mama said, Dont worry about her, shes just done lost her mind a little bit. Is it gone hurt yall to be kind to her weakness? It hurt any of us kids to be kind to somebody who thought we were country and ignorant.

  When the church barbeque rolled around, Aint Fanny made plans to pick LaVern up, and I asked Mama, How come I caint go too?

  Mama glared at me, annoyed. Nobody said you caint go. You need to ask Fanny.

  When Aint Fanny came to pick up LaVern, she looked at me like I was a lowly creature but said, Come on, if youre coming too, and I was glad she had changed her mind. Somehow I felt like going with them would keep LaVern from getting too far from the rest of us.