Faded (Rock Star Trilogy)

by Mercy Amare

  “Our life is about to get crazy,” Stephan comments, breaking the peaceful silence. “Well, I guess your life is already crazy.”

  I know what Stephan's concerns are. He's never been in the spotlight before. If he does this, he will no longer have a normal life.

  “I don't have to do this, if you’re not comfortable with it,” I tell him. “Just say the word, and I'll back out.”

  “Scarlett, do not back out of this, especially not because of me,” he says quickly. “If I thought I couldn't handle it, I wouldn't be with you. But I would never ask you to give up your career.”

  But I would give it up for him. He means more than anything. But I’m glad I don’t have to, because I love what I do. I sigh happily into his chest.

  I want to tell him that I love him, but I am too scared. I don't want anything to ruin this magical moment that I'm having with him. If I had the ability to freeze time, I would.

  Stephan gently caresses my hair. “The week that you were in LA was so hard. I don't know what I would do without you.”

  “I'm sorry that I left.” And I am. Even though I know Stephan has completely forgiven me, things aren't the same as they were. Our relationship feels different, and I know that I’m to blame.

  “It's okay to be broken, Scar. I'm broken too. You just got to learn that sometimes it’s okay to depend on other people.”

  I can feel the tears build up, but I blink them away. I don't want to cry.

  “You have to do this to move forward. At least you're trying to move. I'm not. I've been stuck in the same rut for three years now. Ever since my dad died…” His voice breaks, and I can tell this is a hard conversation for him to have. “I know what I have to do, but I'm not strong enough. I wish that I was half as brave as you.”

  “I'm only brave because of you. I could not do this without your support, Stephan. I'm chicken. Even now, I am scared to death. My chest feels like a ton of bricks are sitting on it, and I'm having problems taking a deep breath. I just want this over with,” I admit.

  “You are not chicken.” Stephan kisses the top of my head.

  “Do you think it's a good idea to have Alec film this? Should the whole world really see?” I ask him, and I realize that I trust his judgment.

  “It's hard to say one way or the other. Part of me thinks it's a very personal conversation to be on TV. But at the same time, you're getting your side of the story told. Don't you think your parents are going to try to sell this?”

  “They definitely would.” He's right, and I already feel better about my decision. “Thank you.”

  “Oh, I'm sure you will find some way to make up for my help,” he replies, kissing my forehead. “I saw Agnes put the rest of the whip cream in the fridge.”

  I can't help but giggle. I know that he's joking. I love how he can cheer me up with his cheesy lines. It's just one of the many things that I love about him.

  And now I'm thinking about sex with him.

  “What are you thinking?” Stephan asks, noticing my silence.

  I feel my face flush. “Umm...” I try to think of something, anything other than what I'm really thinking. But I can't.

  Stephan pushes me back a little so he can see my face. “You're blushing...”

  I clear my throat.

  “Tell me.”

  I once again hide my face in his chest. I decide to be brave and just say it.

  “I was thinking about what it would be like to make love to you.”

  My head is on his chest, so I can hear Stephan's heart rate accelerate, and I can't help but smile. I love that I can affect him like this.

  “You can't say stuff like that to me, Scarlett. I want you so bad I can hardly stand it sometimes,” he admits.

  “Then what's stopping you?” I challenge him. I'm so bad. I shouldn't be like this.

  “I guess I'm scared I won't be good enough.”

  This causes me to sit up. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean...” he pauses, and I can tell he's embarrassed. “You've probably been with a lot of guys. What if I can't compare?”

  I shake my head. “Stephan, I'm not a whore. I really haven't had sex with that many guys.”

  “Like how many?” he asks.

  I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm not sure if this is a normal question, but I answer anyway. “Like ten. But I wasn't dating any of them, and trust me; sex with you will be better. I actually have feelings for you.”

  “Oh.”

  “What about you?” Now I'm curious.

  “Three.”

  That's not so bad. “Anybody I know?”

  I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn't want to answer this question. “Is who really important?”

  It wasn't until I saw his reaction to the question. Now I'm curious. “Come on. I want to know.”

  “You know one of the girls. But first I have to tell you, it was only one time, and I was drunk. It meant nothing, and I have no feelings for the girl. Like at all.”

  “Okay.”

  “Zoe.”

  “Ew.” Zoe. Seriously, why her? Seriously, why couldn't it have been anybody but her? Though, I guess it does explain why she was so territorial about Stephan that night at the races.

  “What about you? Ever been with anybody I know?”

  I laugh, and name off a few celebrities.

  “Wow. You had a crazy life before moving to Hope.”

  I nod my head. I truly did. And I can happily say, I am glad that chapter in my life is over. I lay my head back onto Stephan's chest, and just enjoy the serene surroundings.

  11:33 AM

  This life.

  I fell asleep on Stephan's chest, and he wakes me up by gently shaking me.

  “Hey, Scar, Alec says we need to get ready. Your mom is going to be here in an hour and a half,” he tells me.

  I'm awake now.

  When we walk back inside the house, Alec is setting up the camera. “The lighting here is perfect,” he explains. “You should wear blue. You look hot in blue.”

  Stephan is now glaring at Alec. “Dude, not cool.”

  Alec shrugs. “Fine. Wear whatever you want. But remember, millions of people are going to be watching this. At least fix your hair.”

  “Where is Bridgett?” I really need my sister right now.

  This isn't just for me. This is for Bridgett — for them adopting me and leaving her. This is for Stacy — for them kicking her out when she needed them the most. And this is for the grandchild my parents have never met, Anna. This is about them never taking responsibility for their actions, and for using me.

  “She's reading on the balcony,” he tells me.

  I run up the stairs and into my room. I walk out the double doors where Bridgett is lying in a lawn chair, holding a book. When she hears the doors open, she looks up at me.

  “It's so beautiful here,” she says, motioning towards the garden below. I nod my head in agreement.

  “We have to come back in the spring. You will love it here then,” I suggest.

  “Maybe. If you get a break.” She laughs.

  “When you have a life as crazy as mine, you learn to take breaks. Sometimes you just have to do stuff for yourself, even if it means pissing everybody else off.” It's then that I realize part of the reason why I ran. I don't want Bridgett or Stephan to be a part of this crazy life. I wanted them to have a shot at normal. Whether they realize it or not, their lives are about to be turned upside down… And I don't think they realize just how chaotic this life is.

  “Sounds reasonable.”

  I have to ask. “I want you to realize, we are about to start filming. If you want to back out, now is the time. Are you completely sure this life is what you want?”

  She looks at me, and without hesitation, she answers. “Scarlett, I have thought about it a lot. This is what I want, to be here with you, in this craziness. There is nowhere else I'd rather be.”

  I pull her into a hug. “I love you, Bridge.
Don't ever forget that, okay?”

  “I love you, too.”

  We pull back. “Will you be there with me? When I confront her?”

  “Are you sure you want me there?” she asks. “It's so personal, Scar.”

  I nod my head, thinking about the documentary. “I'm sharing it with the world. I need you there with me. I don't think I can do it without you.”

  “Then, I will be there,” she promises.

  Together, Bridgett and I get ready. Bridgett lets me fix her hair, which somehow helps calm me. She always puts her hair in a bun, so I leave it down. I straighten it, and then do the same to mine. We both stand in front of the mirror, and are in awe of how identical we are.

  We both wear a cute sundress. I do end up wearing blue, and Bridgett wears pink. The only difference is she wears flats, and I wear a pair of five-inch heels.

  “Why do you always wear heels?” she asks, as I do her makeup. I'm fixing hers dark, exactly like I do mine.

  I shrug. “I like them. They make me feel good about myself.”

  “A confidencebooster… I get it. They do make your legs and butt look good. You should see the way Stephan looks at you when you aren't paying attention. He's so in love with you.” She sighs. “I hope one day I find somebody who loves me half as much.”

  “Stephan looks at me with lust, not love.” I feel like I should warn her, again. “Look, I love Alec, but you should know, he's a player. Don't fall for him.”

  “Wasn't going to.” She crinkles her nose. She's very convincing, but her eyes tell another story. I am about to comment when Stephan sticks his head in the door.

  “Stephan! Ever hear of knocking? What if I was naked?” I yell at him.

  He smiles. “A guy can dream…”

  I roll my eyes at him.

  “I just came to tell you that your mom pulled up.”

  Bridgett stands up beside me.

  “Do you think she'll be able to tell us apart?” I wonder out loud.

  “I can. It's not that hard.”

  I hope that she will be able to, but I seriously doubt it. She's hardly spent time with me. But, she is my mother. Certainly if my boyfriend of… crap, how long have we been dating? Three weeks? Does the two weeks I was gone count? Anyway, point is, if Stephan can tell us apart, certainly my mom can too.

  1:07 PM

  Heartless.

  I go downstairs first. Alec follows me with a camera, which once again makes me question if I made the right decision. Do I really want the world to see this? But, it's too late to back out now.

  “Scarlett.” My mom's voice is tight, and I can tell she is shocked to see me. Then she looks over at Alec, holding the camera. “Alec,” she smiles. It's a fake smile. “When did you two get here?”

  “This morning,” I answer, then point at the camera. “Did dad tell you that we're doing a documentary for MTV?”

  Just then the front door opens, and an older guy walks inside. He looks about 55, and I can tell by looking at his expensive suit that he's rich. Or maybe the suit was bought with my money. He sees Alec and me, and he freezes instantly. He knows that they are both caught. Both of my parents have been seeing other people for quite a few years, but they've never actually “admitted” to it. Do they really think they've hidden it from me?

  “Is this your boyfriend?” I ask. I don't wait for a response. “I'm Scarlett Ryan, Stephanie's daughter…” I pause. “Well, I'm not really her daughter. I'm adopted.”

  I hear my mom suck in a surprised breath. She wasn't expecting that. I suppose she was hoping to keep it a secret from me. And maybe she would have if it weren’t for my search for Stacy.

  Just then I hear Bridgett and Stephan walking down the stairs.

  “Oh, and this is my twin sister, Bridgett Evans,” I tell the guy, who I think is named Jack. At least, I am pretty sure that's what Agnes told us when we first arrived. “You see my mother is a selfish bitch, and my father is an arrogant asshole, so they separated us. Oh, and they kicked my sister Stacy out at age seventeen because she was pregnant.”

  Bridgett puts her arm around me for support. Stephan is standing by Alec. I can tell he really wants to jump in and protect me from the hurt, but he knows I need to do this.

  I have to admit, it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. In fact, it almost feels freeing.

  Maybe it's because I've been emotionally preparing for this moment my whole life.

  My mom doesn't say anything, so I continue. “What's wrong, Mother? You have nothing to say for yourself?”

  She looks at me once more, and then at the camera. “I'm not saying anything in front of the camera.”

  Her boyfriend is still silent.

  “Okay, well, you have 24 hours to get your shit out of my house,” I tell her forcefully.

  She narrows her eyes at me. “You are going to leave your own mother homeless?”

  I roll my eyes. She's so dramatic. “I'm pretty sure you've been shacking up with Jack here for quite awhile now, so you may as well move in with him.” I turn to him. “You know she's still married to my dad, right?”

  “Scarlett, that is enough!” She scolds me like I'm a child.

  I remind myself that I'm on camera, and take a deep breath. “You don't get to tell me what to do. I haven't been a child in a long time. Actually, I never got to be a kid. You stole my childhood away from me.” I take another breath. “If Jack won't let you stay with him, which I totally wouldn't blame him if he didn't, Dad has a house in LA. It's big, and since you are married, it's half yours.”

  “You can't be serious,” she tempts me.

  “I am.” I step closer to her. “If I were you, I'd start packing. And don't even think of taking anything other than your clothes. Everything in this house was bought with my money, and it stays.”

  “My Italian leather couch,” she cries.

  I roll my eyes. “Did you not hear me? It's MY Italian leather couch.”

  She looks at me for a second, to see if I really am serious. She's hoping I will back down. But I don't. A look of defeat comes over her face.

  “Fine. If this is how you want it, I will be out of here, and out of your life. Just have Agnes send my things. She knows Jack’s address.” She turns towards Jack and walks out the door.

  When the door shuts, I lose it.

  She didn't even say goodbye.

  Stephan pulls me into his arms, and I have a complete meltdown. I sob into his chest.

  My chest hurts… It feels like a piece of my heart was ripped out and stomped on. I always knew she didn't care about me, but I never knew she was so heartless.

  Stephan caresses my hair, and keeps telling me how sorry he is over and over again. I know he doesn't know what to say, but right now, words won't help. I just need him to continue holding me.

  I will never regret what just happened. It should have happened long before now. I just wasn’t expecting it to hurt so much. My parents were supposed to love me and protect me. Instead they threw me to the sharks. My dad only stayed around to get ten percent of my money.

  “I don’t understand them,” I tell Stephan between sobs. “Everything I have could be theirs too. Why won’t they just love me?”

  “They are fucking crazy not to love you, Scar,” he says. “It’s their loss.”

  “Am I not good enough?” I wonder.

  “How can you even ask that? Of course you’re good enough. There is something seriously wrong with them if they can’t see how amazing you are.”

  “I pretend to be confident, but I’m not.” I wipe some of the tears from under my eye away. “I’m really just an insecure, broken, little girl.”

  “Don’t ever say that, Scarlett!” Stephan scolds me. “Don’t let your parents take away your confidence. You are beautiful, you are smart, and you are so talented. I am crazy about you. So are Alec and Bridgett. You have so many people that love you. Don’t let them steal your spark.”

  I feel better at his words, because he’s right. I
don’t need them, and I haven’t in a long time. If they don’t want me, why should I want them?

  Monday, October 19

  7:06 AM

  O.C.R.C.T.L.S.D.H.O.M

  After confronting my mom, I pretty much want to get the hell out of Europe. We take the jet back, and I spend all day Sunday in bed asleep. Stephan stays with me, but I think it's because he's worried about me. He's never seen me have such a major meltdown. Truthfully, I'm glad he's here for me. I need him. I don’t think I could get through this without him.

  Alec obviously thinks the best thing to do is distract me from the pain. He decides that tonight we will start working on “Operation Convince Record Company To Let Scarlett Do Her Own Music”, or O.C.R.C.T.L.S.D.H.O.M, as he likes to call it. I do laugh at the name, which I think is what he was going for.

  Bridgett is also trying to cheer me up. She bought me a journal. She says, “Writing down your feelings helps”. It's true. But I express myself a little differently. I will use the journal to write lyrics.

  On Monday morning, I decide the best thing to do is just go to school, like normal. I can't stay in bed forever, though I must admit, being in bed with Stephan forever could be fun. The sooner I move on, the sooner I can start living my new life.

  “Make sure you fix your hair today,” Alec tells me, when he sees my messy bun. “The camera crew is going to be following you around at school today.”

  My eyes get big. “What? Certainly the school isn't okay with this!”

  Alec grins mischievously. “They were thrilled. They are getting a new gym out of the deal.”

  “Well, you want this documentary to be real. The hair stays,” I pout.

  The bun doesn't stay. Before leaving for school, I straighten my hair and change my outfit. As bad as I want to not care, I do. I don’t want people to see me on film with sweatpants and messy hair.