Hard to Love

by S M Mala

Mabel noticed Tommy was frowning and looked for something on his tablet before turning it to show her.

  ‘I never read all of it until recently. Heidi told me. I think Alex was having a laugh.’

  The opening paragraph was the same as was the picture, but it then came down to sexual preferences, and she nearly choked.

  He had written she liked to have sex with fruit as a pre-course to sex but preferred it if the man doesn’t do skin to skin, due to a recent bout of some nasty viral infection. A banana was acceptable to use as a stimulator.

  Then she read her fantasy was an enema with a wine bottle, and she thought about animals when having sex; usually a roast chicken.

  ‘I’m going to kill him!’ Mabel sat there, open mouth. ‘He said he deleted the responses.’

  ‘Can you imagine what sort of guys emailed you? He was doing you a favour.’

  ‘No wonder Lee said I was interesting. I don’t exactly sound dull, do I?’

  ‘Let’s stick to the matter in hand. What are we going to do?’ he asked, looking like he was going to laugh.

  ‘I need to report him for doing this but I know whatever happens, I’m still going to get into trouble.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Lee has something on me that’s not good,’ she said, starting to frown. ‘I have to fix this, once and for all. Innocent people need to be protected, but I have no idea how.’

  ‘Girls, enough!’

  Mabel was sitting between them on the couch as they quarrelled about something on the television. ‘Grandma is going to arrive any moment and she hates to see you squabbling.’

  ‘Are you going to see Alex?’ Jess asked, getting in a huff at her older sister. ‘I don’t see why he doesn’t come over.’

  ‘We’re going out for dinner. Is that okay?’

  ‘Rose said they’re moving,’ Lottie said turning to look at her. ‘Are they going far?’

  ‘He only mentioned it last week, so I’m not sure.’ Mabel hesitated. ‘How do you know?’

  ‘We email. Why can’t Alex move in here?’

  ‘Ha!’ laughed out Jess. ‘Can you imagine what Granny Baba would say?’

  ‘It has got nothing to do with her what I do and with whom. I hope you both haven’t told her anything about me and Alex. She’ll think I'm unfaithful to your dad.’

  ‘She said she saw Tafari at church, all dressed in black flirting with the vicar,’ whispered Jess, grinning mischievously at Lottie. ‘Granny Baba’s very annoyed because she fancies that oldie.’

  ‘I think you're nasty, and Granny Baba says he’s a good man, so he can’t be interested in Tafari.’

  ‘As long as he has live sperm, that’s all she cares about, even if it is ancient,’ mumbled Mabel getting up to go to her bedroom. ‘Answer the door if your grandma comes.’

  Quickly getting changed she put on a long dress, hoping Alex would like it.

  Going back downstairs, her mother was laughing about something while opening a bottle of wine. She looked up at Mabel then broke out into a grin.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ she asked holding up the bottle. ‘Do you want one?’

  ‘No thank you, but can I have a word?’

  She went to her mother and dragged her out of the house, into the garden.

  ‘Alex is a lucky man tonight, isn’t he?’ her mother said, eyeing her up and down.

  ‘I don’t think we should be working with ‘Love to Love’. Something isn’t good there.’

  ‘They’re a high-profile account.’

  ‘With the morals of a slug!’

  Mabel still hadn’t told anyone what Tommy had revealed regards the abuse of the system. And she wasn’t going to tell Joanna about the film, completely irritated by her mother’s lackadaisical attitude.

  The doorbell rang, and Lottie rushed to answer it. Alex was standing on the doorstep chatting to her, then walked in.

  ‘Isn’t he gorgeous, don’t you think?’ purred her mother. ‘You lucky girl.’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ replied Alex to Lottie, looking as if he was going to keel over from shock.

  Mabel wondered what her child had said.

  ‘We have a really nice room in the loft no-one uses. There’s the spare room next to me, which mum uses as a junk space,’ Lottie continued as Mabel glanced at Jess rolling her eyes.

  ‘What’s she saying?’ asked Joanna going back to her glass of wine.

  ‘About Alex moving in with us,’ said Lottie, glancing over her shoulder at Mabel, who managed to trip up when she heard.

  ‘You can’t go asking men to move in!’ laughed out Jess. ‘Remember when mum thought he was paedophile not so long ago.’

  ‘Did you?’ asked Joanna, looking surprised.

  ‘I did not!’ Mabel said, trying to compose her breathing. ‘Lottie, not all families are like The Brady Bunch. Would you like me to invite Tafari and Eddie here as well?’

  ‘Never!’ her child snapped, getting agitated. ‘I don’t want them in my home!’

  ‘Oh Lottie, why are you getting upset?’ asked Joanna, walking up to her and giving a hug. ‘That’s not like you.’

  ‘I just want us all to be happy!’ the child said through gritted teeth. ‘That’s all.’

  ‘Oh Lottie, come here.’ Alex said, pulling her out of her grandmother’s arms, kissing the child’s head. ‘That’s very sweet of you to ask.’

  ‘I know Rose likes spending time here. Then she could come and visit you more.’

  ‘You’re a kind person, you really are.’

  Mabel then realised what this was all about.

  Lottie was missing her father and needed a man to hold her, making her feel safe.

  Now what Alex told her months ago about a substitute father came back into her head, and she knew he would pick up on it.

  ‘Lottie, Alex doesn’t want to live with us,’ Mabel said, putting on her shoes. ‘He wants somewhere not too far away, where he can spend time with Rose. We can decorate the spare room so she can spend the night there, instead of crashing out on the camp bed. And if Alex wants to run away and hide when he’s sick of being surrounded by women, the loft bedroom is ready and waiting.’

  Jess poked her head out from the couch and looked over.

  ‘Alex, you’re better off moving far away. This place is full of crazy women,’ she said quite seriously. ‘It’s not the teenagers. It’s the oldies you have to worry about.’

  ‘If you’re talking about me, madam, you’re mistaken,’ sniffed Joanna. ‘I’m no oldie!’

  ‘Let’s go.’ Mabel rushed toward Jess, giving her a kiss, then to Lottie, who was still being held by Alex. ‘They can’t have a late one, okay?’

  ‘Sure,’ shrugged her mother. ‘Mabel’s the one who’s no fun!’

  Grabbing Alex’s hand, she dragged him out and down the road.

  It was only ten minutes later she realised he hadn’t spoken.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked. He didn’t look happy. ‘I’m sorry about Lottie saying all that stuff. You know she’s a romantic child and wants everyone to be happy. She misses her dad; it’s pretty obvious.’

  Still not a word came from his lips as they continued to walk.

  ‘Have you found anywhere to live? How much do you think you can rent your place out for?’ she said, smiling at him. ‘Alex, what’s wrong?’

  He stopped and turned to look at her.

  ‘You just love the idea of love, don’t you?’ he said, acting as if he was trying to hold onto his annoyance. ‘I don’t get it.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I mean, this happy ever after thing that makes you far too needy.’

  ‘What’s wrong with wanting to be happy?’ She could see he was agitated. ‘What have I done wrong now?’

  ‘You know what?’ he said, looking increasingly upset. ‘One minute you’re saying you love me within days of us getting together, and now there’s talk about moving in. There is no middle ground with you.’

  She was taken
aback and stepped away.

  ‘Lottie is a romantic, and she was thinking of Rose.’ Mabel could see he didn’t like the idea. ‘You never tell me you love me. It’s been months, and I’m not sure how you feel. I’m not as sharp as you. I can’t measure things. I need to see it in black and white.’

  ‘If that’s what you want, then maybe I’m not the one for you.’ Alex looked down, and she felt something lurch in her gut. ‘I told you I’m not into all that. I had it when I went into foster homes, how much they loved me. They didn’t. Soon I was sent somewhere else. And people say it when they don’t’ mean it. It’s just words, Mabel.’

  ‘I thought you might feel you were being pressurised.’ Mabel held her breath hard, scared he was going to walk away. ‘I’m trying not to force you into anything. I know that’s what you want. To play it on your terms, and your terms alone.’ She let her head fall forward. ‘I want to be perfect for you.’

  ‘Mabel, do you love me?’ he asked, moving closer to her.

  ‘I love you so much it’s scary,’ she eventually replied, after containing the sob. ‘You probably never expected to go out with a forty-one-year-old divorcee, with two teenage daughters who happens to work in the same company as you, did you?’

  ‘Oh May Day’ he said, taking his hand and cupping her cheek.

  ‘You know how I feel,’ she said, flinging her arms around his neck and kissing his face. ‘I don’t care if you never say it to me.’

  That was a little lie.

  ‘And move in with me if you want,’ Mabel said, seeing him give one of his blank stares. ‘I’d love to wake up with you every day.’

  ‘This is all going a bit fast. One step at a time.’ He looked unsure about her comment.

  ‘If I have to follow your steps, I’ll never get there.’ She grinned. ‘Let’s go back to yours. I’m not hungry now.’

  Within minutes of getting into his flat, they were on the bed, writhing around naked. Mabel couldn’t stop kissing him, wanting to show him how much she loved him.

  He rolled on top of her, kissing her face before their lips were joined, and she looked up into his eyes.

  Then he pushed in, all the while kissing her as she came in an instant of his touch.

  Their bodies were locked together, and she felt him inside and out; wanting more than before and knowing she was deeply in love.

  He moved fast, touching her face as Mabel gasped again and again.

  ‘I love you so much,’ she said, wanting to cry when she said it. ‘So very much.’

  Alex looked at her.

  He didn’t smile just stared before closing her eyes.

  ‘I know,’ he whispered into her skin. ‘I know.’

  It was then she had a little sinking feeling.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  Lee jumped out at her when she left her house to meet Joanna for lunch. ‘How did you know where I lived?’

  ‘We need to talk.’

  ‘You can’t just turn up uninvited.’

  ‘You gave me no choice,’ he said, anxiously looking at her before shaking his head and forcing a smile.

  ‘Go away! You filmed us, and that’s disgusting!’

  ‘We need to meet alone. Please?’

  She was at a loss on what to do.

  ‘That film is a betrayal of trust.’

  ‘Mabel, you’ve given me no choice. It’s the only way I can think of to see you, so you know I’m serious. If you don’t, then I’m afraid that I won’t be the only person who sees that footage, okay?’

  And that was when she realised he wasn’t good at letting go.

  But he was good at blackmail.

  ‘Alex resigned.’

  Mabel was called into her mother’s office as soon as she arrived at work. ‘Did you know?’

  ‘What?’ She was stunned. ‘Why?’

  ‘He thought it was for the best.’

  ‘For whom?’

  Mabel ran out of the office and straight to Alex, seeing he was on the phone. It was only a few hours earlier they were in bed together, and she couldn’t fathom what had happened.

  ‘I better go,’ he said, smiling then looked at her, all happiness fading.

  ‘Is it true?’ she asked, feeling like her whole world was tumbling. ‘Are you leaving?’

  ‘May, not now,’ he said gently. ‘We’ll discuss it later. It’s not the right time and place.’

  She looked at him and didn’t know what to say.

  Everything was crumbling inside, and all the fears of losing him were starting to become real.

  As she was about to open her mouth, Lauren walked in.

  ‘Are you coming?’ she asked Alex, who got to his feet and grabbed his jacket. ‘We have to be there in fifteen minutes.’

  ‘Sure. I’ll see you later,’ he said, avoiding eye contact as they walked out.

  ‘Alex?’ Mabel said, unable to move and not knowing what to do. ‘Hi Lauren, I haven’t seen you in weeks.’

  ‘I went to work on another project but Alex desperately wanted me back, so I came running.’ Mabel noticed the way she looked at him. ‘We have some catching up to do.’

  Her heart sunk.

  Now he was going off with a woman he used to sleep with only a few months back.

  Mabel stood there and had to compose herself, breathing deeply.

  If ever she looked needy for love, it was then.

  She then turned and walked out.

  There was nowhere to go.

  Effectively she was still on gardening leave and Alex was slipping away.

  It was all too clear if he left the agency, she would never see him again and the relationship would be over.

  And it was then she realised that was probably what he wanted.

  All the signs had been there.

  Last night he was clear on how he thought she was moving too fast and he probably wanted out. Her being a shareholder wouldn’t have helped.

  Mabel walked down the road, confused and upset.

  Somehow, she found herself by Wes’s grave ninety minutes later, not sure what she was doing there.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, sitting on her knees. ‘I’ve not visited since you past away. I’m sure your mum is planning the biggest headstone ever.’ Mabel touched the large wooden cross. ‘Everything I do is wrong or I don’t see things for how they are. I destroyed the sperm because I didn’t want to go through more confusion. It’s bad enough with the girls and your child. I don’t regret it because I am in love with my kids. That’s the most important thing. I have to find a way to move on.’

  Then she took her biggest breath.

  ‘I realise I must have been too needy, not enough of a challenge because I loved you so much.’ Then she cried. ‘Too much, Wes. More than I thought capable and it must have made me hard to love because you left me for someone else. I want to love someone, be with them. It must be me. My love to love, I suppose. I’m just hard to love.’

  Getting to her feet slowly, she looked down.

  ‘We could never have turned back time but maybe we could have been friends. I’ll never know. I love you, Wesley Evans. Take care.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Mabel went to the pub to get a glass of wine late Friday afternoon. The girls were with Baba, and she was all alone.

  Alex hadn’t made contact for two days. She wondered why he had suddenly turned cold, knowing it was probably down to the conversation they had last time.

  Finishing off her drink, she went to his home to see if he was there, and if not, she would ring.

  Approaching the block, her head down in anticipation on seeing him, she noticed a couple.

  Alex’s face was being gently stroked by Lauren and he was gazing into her eyes.

  And the immediate pain Mabel felt made her stop dead in her tracks, seeing the reason he hadn’t called.

  She felt like crying but realised that would be pitiful.

  Alex would hate it, and Lauren would know he had been seeing Ma
bel.

  It was going to be too excruciating for words.

  There was no other way but to leave with some self-worth.

  Mabel crossed over the road and walked as fast as she could, without running.

  She went down a different road so he couldn’t see he had broken her heart into tiny little pieces.

  ‘Mabel!’ he shouted out, running up and making her stop. ‘Mabel, please?’

  She turned around and knew how horrible it would be, as she tried to smile.

  ‘Hi there,’ she said, raising her hand. ‘I didn’t expect to see you.’

  It was obvious from his expression he was finding the words to say what he wanted.

  ‘You didn’t call,’ was all she could whisper. ‘And I figured out why.’

  ‘Oh Mabel,’ he said looking down at his feet. ‘I’m sorry I-.’

  ‘I know,’ she interrupted. ‘I’m too needy and hard to love, and you’re suffocating, aren’t you? I sort of knew but hoped-.’

  Her voice disappeared.

  Then he looked up.

  He could have been upset or relieved.

  She didn’t know.

  ‘When you talked about moving in and … it was going a bit too fast,’ he whispered. ‘And you destroyed your ex’s sperm and then I thought this was too much.’

  ‘What did you think?’ she asked, her head reeling from what he was saying.

  ‘Maybe you had other ideas.’

  ‘I see.’ She couldn’t stop the despair that he didn’t want to be with her. ‘I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I didn’t do it to give you the impression I thought I could have a kid with you. It was a family decision based on my children’s feelings. If that’s what you believe, you are truly mistaken.’

  ‘May Day, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.’ He winced. ‘It’s a lot to take in.’

  ‘You should have told me face to face, not like this. You said so many things and…’ She took a deep breath. ‘It was a crock of shit. And you could have at least dumped me, so I’m left with a little bit of dignity. Not treat me like a dirty one night stand you regret.’

  She walked away knowing every orange shred of happiness had completely gone.

  And she was on her own again.

  Because Alex didn’t really want her, at the end of the day.