Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  ‘Don’t be late.’

  Mabel was speaking to her mother while walking to the bus stop. She had been summoned to an early morning meeting at work.

  ‘It’s not working out between Alex and me, so we’ve decided to be friends.’

  ‘Oh.’ Her mother’s response was of surprise. ‘That’s very sudden. True to his reputation then!’

  ‘Pardon?’ Mabel said, dumb founded by her mother’s response.

  ‘He gets scared when things turn serious. I was going to warn you, but you both seemed so happy.’

  ‘I was and he wasn’t. I’ll see you soon.’

  She noticed Alex was standing at the bus stop and glanced at her.

  Mabel turned her back on him, looking at something else.

  She didn’t have the maturity to be well behaved about him breaking her heart.

  And forgiveness was out of the question as he had intentionally done it.

  It was the usual Monday morning crowd as the bus doors opened, and she noticed people get on, but he was waiting. She walked past and got her usual seat.

  There was a sinking sick feeling in her gut.

  Mabel took out her tablet and went to the game she had been playing, trying hard to concentrate, and not watch him walk upstairs.

  Then she looked up.

  He was standing across from her, with folded arms, staring.

  This made her jump, so she looked down.

  But something told her to look again.

  He was still standing there, giving her evil looks.

  She didn’t move and sat perfectly still before turning her head to look out the window.

  Then she saw movement from the corner of her eye, and he had gone.

  Mabel was relieved and closed her eyes.

  Getting off her stop, she walked through the square.

  And all Mabel wanted to do was run away and hide because she was in so much pain right now, there was no way she knew how to cope.

  It wasn’t long before she realised Alex was walking slowly behind her.

  He knew her route.

  Today she decided to take another one so she wouldn’t bump into him. This one was longer and contained more walking.

  After going at a snail’s pace, she got to her usual café, and as she was going to walk in, he came out and handed her a cup.

  Mabel was startled.

  ‘This is hard for both of us,’ he mumbled, walking off.

  ‘I know,’ she replied, realising she needed to behave properly.

  Watching him walk away, Mabel took small steps and went a little slower.

  Her heart sunk.

  ‘I can’t do it.’

  She couldn’t pretend to be okay with Alex in the room.

  It was too much to ask.

  Turning on her heels, she went in the opposite direction.

  ‘Mabel!’ Alex shouted out. ‘Where are you going?’

  Then she started to run, dropping the coffee as she did.

  And she ran as fast as she could.

  But she didn’t see the car turning quickly around the corner when she stepped into the road.

  ‘Mabel!’

  She heard Alex scream and now he was holding her as she sat up. ‘Are you okay? Speak to me!’

  She hadn’t passed out.

  The car came out and put the brakes on, making Mabel jump and slip in the road.

  ‘Leave me alone!’ she said, pushing Alex away and getting up. ‘Get off me!’

  ‘You’re a mad fucking bitch for stepping out,’ the young man said, getting out of the car.

  ‘Hang on there!’ Alex said angrily. ‘You were driving too fast.’

  Mabel got up and proceeded to walk back to the bus stop.

  ‘Where are you going?’ she heard Alex ask, looking genuinely perplexed. ‘The office is the other way. Are you sure you’re not hurt?’

  ‘Leave me alone!’ she barked at him. ‘I’m going home!’

  ‘You just gave me a heart attack!’

  ‘I’m sure you’d have preferred it if I did get knocked over.’

  ‘That’s unfair!’

  ‘This is horrible for me!’

  ‘Mabel, I know this looks bad right now and-.’

  ‘We were together in the morning, and you didn’t say anything about resigning. You didn’t have the decency to tell me it’s over, face to face. You never cared about me!’

  ‘Is that what you think?’

  ‘What sort of person are you?’ Mabel shook her head disappointedly. ‘And you wanted me to keep on saying I loved you, and I did, and then you suddenly changed your mind. I should have figured it out.’

  ‘Figured what out?’ he asked, looking confused.

  ‘You just wanted to see if I could fall in love with you and when the damage was done; it was time for you to walk away. You just didn’t want me.’

  ‘How can you say that?’ Alex started to look angry.

  ‘You know what Alex? I do need someone to love me as much as I love them and make me feel safe. I don’t care if you don’t like it. That’s who I am.’

  ‘Let me take you to the hospital,’ Alex said gently, stepping closer, looking increasingly upset.

  ‘I don’t need you,’ she said, continuing to walk away. ‘I don’t need anyone.’

  ‘It was lovely.’

  Mabel said down the phone to Iona.

  ‘And you and the girls had a good time?’

  ‘We did.’

  ‘And you’re okay?’

  ‘All’s good now,’ she replied. ‘A holiday always sorts out your head.’

  ‘And your heart? Iona tentatively asked.

  ‘That I can’t be sure about.’

  After seeing Alex the last time, Mabel needed time away.

  Ten days in Sperlonga on the Italian coast to spend time alone with the girls, so they could talk about what had happened over the past few years.

  And mostly about the loss of their father.

  It was also important for Mabel to come to terms with the loss of her ex-husband. The man she had spent a majority of her life loving.

  That was hard.

  In this time, Mabel also thought about Alex and realised where it went wrong.

  She needed to be loved. He couldn’t do that. It was asking too much.

  And in her headphones, she kept playing Al Green, wondering how she could ever mend her increasingly broken and shattered heart.

  It seemed impossible.

  Lottie and Jess seemed okay when she told them about the split, but there were little whispers and sympathetic looks. Mabel knew they figured out Alex had done the dumping.

  It was time to move on with her life and forget about romantic notions.

  Back from their jaunt, Mabel was wandering around on a Friday evening alone, as the girls went to spend the night with Baba.

  The buzz of the holiday was still there, and she was getting back into the swing of normality though dreading seeing Alex again.

  Her shameful display a few weeks earlier put paid to keeping her pride intact.

  And she figured out Alex had probably moved on to someone else.

  Taking a seat in the quieter pub near where she lived, Mabel got a glass of wine and sat at the table, trying to read something on her Kindle. It wasn’t too noisy.

  Then a text came through.

  It was Lee.

  She had hoped he had gone away, but this threw her.

  ‘Hi, Mabel. I know you’ve been away. I hope you had a good time. I’m feeling a bit down. I would like to speak to you. Sometimes you need a friend.’

  She sat there, looking at the message. A friend was what she needed.

  ‘I’m not in a good place. I need some time.’

  That’s all she could text because it was true. She wasn’t in a good place.

  ‘Mabel? What are you doing here?’ It was Tommy with a few people from work, who she didn’t expect to see locally. ‘How was your holiday?’

  ‘It was great!’ she
replied, getting up to kiss him.

  ‘You look well!’ he said, sitting down at the table.

  ‘Sorry, I left on short notice. I got a good deal on a late holiday.’

  That wasn’t true.

  Her mother paid for a no expense spared holiday to get them away at a moment’s notice. Joanna could see she was in real emotional pain and thought she needed time away with the girls.

  ‘Are you coming to Alex’s afterwards for a few drinks? You can tell me all about it then.’

  ‘Oh, that’s why you guys are here,’ she said, wondering where he was and feeling her heart pound. ‘I have to go home. Still unpacking and doing the laundry.’

  Mabel looked up and noticed Lauren was with the group.

  ‘Have a good time and I’ll see you on Monday,’ she said standing up.

  Taking her things, she rushed out then noticed Alex was standing by the bar.

  He glanced over his shoulder at her, then turned away.

  That hurt.

  She had thought about him none stop for the past fortnight, and now it seemed like a stab in the heart.

  Clasping her glass of wine, she went through the front door and tried to find a seat but everywhere was full. Eventually, she stood by the tree.

  She could hear them from the other side of the wall, laughing and chatting.

  Mabel shuffled away so no-one could see her.

  Looking up at the sky, she felt lonely.

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ she heard Alex ask, suddenly appearing in front of her. ‘You’re welcome to join us.’

  ‘No thank you,’ she said, unable to make eye contact, so focussed on her glass.

  ‘How are you? You suddenly disappeared. Joanna said you went on holiday with the girls. You look really well.’ He seemed to happy, not knowing how he was hurting her by speaking. ‘Are you okay after the incident with the car? I was worried.’

  ‘You shouldn’t be.’

  ‘But you’re okay?’

  ‘I have to go.’ Mabel knocked back her drink and looked at her phone.

  ‘We won two new accounts today, so it’s been full on. And we film the next phase for ‘Love to Love’ in a few weeks,’ he said happily.

  She wanted the ground to open and swallow her up.

  He could feel happiness and all she experienced was devastation. What made it worse was he mentioned the dating account knowing what Lee Appleton had over her.

  She didn’t matter but the client did.

  ‘That’s a good thing to happen before you leave.’

  ‘I’m not leaving,’ he said, sounding confused. ‘It was a rash decision. Didn’t they tell you?’

  ‘They didn’t.’ She felt shaky. ‘Have a good evening.’

  ‘We need to talk,’ he gently said. ‘Lauren and me are-.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ she said, not wanting to hear it. ‘I figured out when I saw you together. She sizzles, isn’t that what you said? I don’t even pop.’

  ‘Mabel,’ he said, his voice low.

  ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think about things.’ Mabel looked up at him for the first time and saw his confused expression. ‘You were right about calling it a day.’ Then she hesitated. ‘It made me realise something.’

  ‘What?’ he asked, looking upset.

  ‘You could never have felt the same way about me as I did about you. I was asking for too much.’

  And even saying it broke her heart even more, if that was at all possible.

  ‘Hello.’

  She heard, snapping her out of her thought.

  Alex was in front of her.

  Mabel was in her usual café getting a tea and a bagel after going to the gym.

  All night she hadn’t slept.

  He simply washed his hands of her, and it seemed so easy for him.

  She would have to move forward and accept it was a nice interlude, and she had been needy and stupid, jumping the gun about love. Alex probably suspected that’s what she would do and played along until he had enough.

  ‘I-.’ Mabel was about to stand up when he leaned forward and put his hand on her arm.

  ‘I need to talk to you.’

  ‘There’s nothing to say,’ she replied, removing his hand.

  ‘May Day, I got a scared,’ he whispered. ‘Really scared when I realised how much you loved me. I shouldn’t have treated you like this.’

  ‘But you did,’ she said, looking at him. ‘Maybe it was for the best. My life choices have been a bit crap recently, so there’s some consistency.’

  ‘You have to understand, I told you, I warned you that I find it hard to love and-.’

  ‘If you care about me, even a little, you’ll leave me alone. That’s the best thing. We have to work together.’ Mabel got up and felt tired. ‘I told the girls we’ve split.’ Alex looked sharply at her as if she had said something cruel. ‘They’re fine about it. I did say Rose can come around when she likes unless you think it’s too complicated. I won’t read anything into it.’

  ‘Can we talk?’

  ‘You reeled me in, and I wanted to believe it. You then walk away and make out you’re scared.’

  ‘I can see you’re upset and need to-.’

  ‘You said I was needy; the thing is, I might be. But I don’t need you right now, so leave me alone. We’re over,’ she wearily said. ‘That’s what you wanted, and you got it.’

  Mabel walked out, leaving her untouched food and Alex Chambers.

  There were some things that were simply unpalatable even though beautifully packaged.

  ‘Morning.’

  Mabel decided to take an alternative route into work. It was faster as she used the tube and managed to keep her scenic walk too.

  Hardly anyone was in.

  She pulled back her desk a little, so Alex’s office was out of her peripheral vision. That made her feel better.

  Then she began work and checked what had been done in her absence, making notes. There were new film and production companies being used, so she made sure to get a full background analysis of who owned them.

  People walked in, and there were a few smiles. She kept her head down and concentrated on what she did best.

  Finding the mistakes and correcting them then giving people hell.

  ‘We have interviews this morning,’ Tommy said, poking his head around the door. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to do the first round?’

  ‘I trust you to have a chat then we’ll take it from there.’ Then she cleared her throat. ‘I’m recruiting two people. We need more support.’ His eyes widened. ‘I’ve got it covered. Can you come in and close the door?’

  He walked towards her desk.

  ‘All that information you gave me, did you tell anyone else about it?’ she asked, looking around.

  ‘Only you. What have you done with it?’

  ‘I’m thinking. I can’t tell anyone else here as they want to keep hold of the account.’ Mabel winced.

  ‘I suppose it’s your word against his, isn’t it?’ Tommy sat down.

  ‘I want to find out who these women were and why he did it. Maybe they needed love.’ She closed her eyes. ‘They were needy.’

  ‘Please don’t ask me to get Jemima involved. You know I would do anything for you, but not at the risk of her getting sacked.’

  ‘I know,’ she let out a sigh. ‘Moral values and making a dollar don’t go hand in hand, do they?’

  He got up and walked out. Mabel turned her chair and stared out of the window.

  If the agency wasn’t going to back her, she was going to have to discredit that website somehow because all disrepute was coming her way.

  Even if that meant upsetting her mother and brother.

  She had no other choice.

  ‘Your car’s here.’

  Pauline said, poking her head around the door.

  ‘What car?’ Mabel laughed, putting her things away before heading home. ‘Is there a big red bus waiting for me?’

  ‘A limousine.’ />
  ‘It must be for Joanna.’

  ‘They said it was for you.’

  ‘It’s a mistake. I’ll tell them when I walk out.’

  She left the offices, making sure not to look over at the creative section.

  That had been harder than she thought since coming back in.

  Then she saw Alex walking down the corridor.

  Her heart started thumping hard, but she breathed through it.

  He put his head down as if not wanting to speak, so she gladly obliged and glanced the other way when she went past him.

  Walking quickly out of the building, she stopped at the car.

  ‘I think you’ve made a mistake. I’m Mabel, and I didn’t order a car or-.’

  ‘I know,’ the man said, getting out. ‘But these are for you.’

  He opened the door and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers, handing them over.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ she said, examining the white and pink arrangement.

  ‘Mr Appleton sends-.’

  ‘No,’ she said, shoving them back. ‘I don’t want anything from him.’ The man with a kindly face went red. ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but we’re not friends. Sorry.’

  Mabel marched off, shocked Lee had the nerve.

  Somehow, he wasn’t the sort of man you could easily brush off.

  Four days later and Lee wasn’t giving up with the flowers.

  ‘This isn’t right,’ said Calum, stomping into her office.

  ‘What?’ she smiled.

  Calum shut the door and walked up to her.

  ‘That man’s not stopping,’ her brother whispered. ‘People are going to talk.’

  ‘Lee wants to be friends and no-one knows they’re from him.’

  ‘You can’t go out with a client,’ he said, getting all authoritative. ‘It makes a mockery of all the rules. I know you and Alex have split.’ Calum glanced at the ground. ‘He seems upset.’

  ‘He did it, not me.’

  ‘I heard it second hand from my wife because Jess told her.’

  ‘Jess is like me. Her mouth goes off before her brain gets into gear.’

  ‘You said it.’ He sighed. ‘I thought you both seemed happy.’

  ‘He didn’t love me. I know! How could he not?’ Mabel walked up to him and squeezed his arm. ‘Lauren is back, and they’re happy.’