Because of Lucy

by Swallow, Lisa

  Ness pulls her mouth away and sits back up, running a finger down my chest. Deftly, she unbuttons my shirt, her delicate fingers warm on my skin. Pushing the shirt to one side, Ness places her warm lips on the cool of my chest and her tongue darts out, licking me.

  “Holy crap, Ness,” I growl and tip her over so she’s lying on the bed. “I’m trying to keep control of myself here.”

  She looks up at me, hair splayed on the bed behind her. “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to be accused of anything tomorrow.”

  “I won’t accuse you of anything. I want to do this.”

  I’m fighting with myself, with the whole respect thing girls go on about. Situations like this confuse the hell out of me.

  “Ness…”

  “So you don’t want to?”

  Ness’s eyes shine as her hands slide my shirt off my shoulders. She digs her fingers into the sinew before tracing lightly down the center of my body, towards the edge of my jeans. My heart slams against my chest, and the blood pools away from my head. I am so damn hard, it hurts.

  I squeeze her thigh through her dress and push the material up, sliding my hand around her waist and pulling her into me. I’m used to girls giggling, and wriggling around but she stares at me with an amused determination on her face. I need to step it up a notch.

  “Jeez, Ness, of course I want to…”

  The strap of her dress pushes down easily and I nip her shoulder with my teeth, nudging my nose into her neck. Ness makes a small noise, low in her throat as I trace kisses towards the top of her breasts. My fingers slide along her warm skin, following the direction of my mouth. As I reach her breast, I rub her nipple through the lace of her bra and Ness pushes herself into me. I hook the other strap of her dress down and she shifts so I can move the dress to her waist. Easing down the fabric, I follow the dress’s path to the floor with small kisses on her impossibly soft, fragrant skin. Ness tugs my hair, pulling me back upwards, towards her face.

  I swallow and meet her eyes. God, I hope she’s not about to change her mind.

  ****

  NESS

  Evan looks down at my half naked body, and hesitates. I prop myself up on my elbows and look at him kneeling shirtless on the floor. The light from the open curtains highlights the curves of his abs and it takes every ounce of control not to throw myself at him.

  Evan’s going to change his mind, maybe he doesn’t like what he sees because he’s not touching me anymore. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  Evan’s eyes shine. “I’m worried you won’t respect me in the morning.”

  I open my mouth to reassure him, then see the hint of a smile curving Evan’s lips. “Okay, go home if you want to, I’ll just go to bed.”

  Eyes fixed on his, I reach my hands behind my back, and unclasp my bra, pushing the unwanted item to one side. I want his mouth on me again, his body covering mine. Every touch, every caress sends intense desire to have him possess me. Let’s see if he wants to leave now...

  Evan exhales my name and suddenly his hands are back on me, heading towards my breasts, and his tongue trailing back up my stomach. His mouth caresses my breast, and he sucks my nipple into his mouth. I dig my nails into his shoulders as the pleasure buzzes into me and I tighten my legs around him. In response, he nudges my knees apart and I push myself against him, feeling how hard he is behind the barrier of his jeans.

  Evan kneels again, and pulls my legs towards the edge of the bed, kissing from my ankle to my thigh. I tense.Holy crap, I know what he’s about to do. He gently strokes me through my cotton panties before slowly pushing them down. Jolts tear through my body as he teasingly dips a finger inside me. I gasp for air, as his thumb rubs against me too, the sensation overwhelming me. I’m barely coping with the pleasure from his fingers, when his warm breath hovers against me, tongue stroking my clit.

  “Oh my god, Evan!”

  I wriggle in pleasure but he grips my hips, pins me to the bed. Still holding me with one hand, he relentlessly laps at me, moving his fingers inside. My body takes me by surprise, my orgasm sudden and dizzying, and I’m left a tingling mess panting on the bed.

  Evan moves upwards, kissing my belly and breasts with feathery kisses. I grab his hair and pull him towards my mouth. Evan’s breathing is ragged and eyes dark, questioning me. I fumble with his belt buckle and the questioning in his face turns to understanding.

  “We don’t have to do this yet,” he says.

  “I know. But I want to.”

  Evan moves away I lie with my eyes closed, missing the heat of his body on mine and trembling. I don’t think I ever wanted Josh as much as I do Evan right now. I hear rustling as he takes off his jeans, then the rip of a condom wrapper, and push aside the connotations of Evan carrying condoms he has easy access to.

  “Are you sure, Ness?” he whispers, leaning over me a few seconds later.

  “If you don’t stop asking me, I’ll think you don’t want to,” I growl.

  And I don’t believe a simple yes will assure him so I dig my nails into his back, sliding my hands to his backside.

  “Oh god, of course I want to, Ness, you’re amazing,” Evan whispers against my ear as he pushes himself gently into me.

  He looks down at me with a barely controlled need I’ve seen in guys before, then lowers his face to mine. Convinced he’d be one of those guys who pins you down and grunts into the bedclothes, Evan surprises me. He covers my face and any visible skin he can reach with kisses, sending the buzzing sensation through my whole body. Carefully, he moves inside me, holding himself back and I can’t stand it.

  “Evan, please…”

  I dig my hands into his skin, gripping him to me, wanting to consume every part of him as he does me. Evan finally lets go, losing himself in his own pleasure as he thrusts with the urgency I’ve been waiting for.

  Afterwards, Evan wraps his arms around my waist and we spoon on the bed, pulling my sheets over our glowing bodies. The damp heat on his chest cools and Evan’s heart hammers into my back. I trace my fingers along the muscles in his forearms and lean forward to kiss his skin. Being here, held in the aftermath of the best sex I’ve had in a long time, warms me as much as his embrace.

  “I told you,” he says in my ear.

  “What?”

  “Evan fits into Vanessa.”

  I make a mock gasp and turn to hit him playfully. Evan laughs at me and catches my hand before I can make contact with his skin. He laces his fingers through mine.

  “Or maybe the other way round. Because your hand fits in mine, as if it were made for me.”

  Kissing my palm, he rests my hand over his heart. I lie down and snuggle into his chest, listening to his heart rate slow as we drift to sleep.

  Chapter 13

  NESS

  Evan is in my bed when I wake up. The cynical side of me expected him to disappear in the night. I climb out and push our clothes into a pile with my toes as I slip on my robe. Evan is lying with his arm above his head, his face soft with sleep. His smooth chest is eminently kissable and I have to fight the desire to sneak back into bed and wake him up. Before I do anything like that, I decide I need to gauge the situation. A strong coffee will help the thought process.

  I return with two warm mugs and find Evan sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing only his jeans. He’s facing away from me, ear pressed to his phone. I admire the muscles knitting in his back, marred a little by some nail marks. Heat flares through me at the memory of the night before.

  “Everything okay?” I ask.

  Evan starts and twists his head round. “Yeah…” He puts the phone on the top of my drawers. He doesn’t sound sure.

  Handing him the coffee, I perch next to him, tense.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “I think so.”Crap, this was bound to be awkward.

  Evan takes the mugs from my hands and sets both on the drawers next to his phone. He brushes my tangled hair from my eyes. “I hope so.”

  My
lips are swollen from last night, face smarting from where his stubble scratched me but as he kisses me, his taste reawakens everything. I could so easily lose myself in him again.

  Evan pulls back and rests his head on mine. “So, do you still respect me?”

  I smile. “Maybe.”

  Evan reaches for his T-shirt and I want to pout at him for getting dressed. “So, we should go on a date now? That’s if you want to, now you’ve got what you want from me?”

  “Yeah, well…” I examine my nails. “If I have time, I’ll call you.”

  We look at each other and laugh, an easygoing understanding. He plants a kiss on my forehead. “Seriously, though. I want to take you out somewhere.”

  Abby’s bedroom door bangs as she crosses the hallway. Evan looks up. “Is Matt still downstairs?”

  The change of pace drags me back to the here and now. I’d almost forgotten about Matt. “No.”

  “I should try and find him…”

  My plan to keep Evan in my bed today dissipates. Then I remember I’m working this afternoon anyway. Real life sucks. Regret at my rejection of a student existence tugs at me.

  “Okay.” I hope he’s not making excuses.

  Evan’s phone rings and he jumps, eyes darting towards it. No, not this again.

  “Popular guy,” I say.

  “Yeah, I switched it off last night.”

  Evan drains his coffee, picks up his phone and stands to leave. A sick feeling replaces my happy afterglow.

  He bends over me, takes my face in his warm hands and kisses me softly. “I’ve got to find Matt. But I’ll call you about going out. Are you free tonight?”

  I nod, even though I doubt he’s going to look for Matt.

  Evan may have switched his phone off last night but something pulls him back to it now. Someone.

  ****

  EVAN

  I knock repeatedly on Matt’s door until he swears at me and I know he’s back safely. Later we’ll have the discussion, no way am I getting caught between the two lovers again. Sure, the evening ended well for me. Extremely well. But I don’t want to be running around looking out for people.

  I think of Ness while I shower, summoning up images of her - us - as the warm water washes over me. To say the events were unexpected is an understatement. And I don’t know how I feel about everything. About her. She’s gorgeous, sexy and oh so clever but I don’t know what to do. Being with her is comfortable, the sparring fun, but I worry about things getting intense. I respect her and I’ll let her know what I’m thinking, how I don’t want a relationship.

  Maybe I’m over-thinking things like a girl would. Maybe she only wants me for my body. I laugh at the idea, even when girls say they only want a physical relationship, they can’t keep things that way. We’ll have some fun, see how things go. The sex was mind-blowing and that’s a good enough reason to keep going. I’ll call her.

  I pull on a clean t-shirt and jeans, look at my phone screen.Crap. Out of charge. I plug in the phone and a number appears on the screen.

  He’s not called me for weeks. And he’s been trying for an hour.

  Fuck.

  I sit on the bed and stare, knowing what this means. Why can’t he deal with her instead of dragging me back into the mess? But if he’s calling, there’s a reason. I dial the number.

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  “You need to come back.” His voice is agitated, music blaring in the background.

  “Why? I can’t.”

  “I can’t cope, Evan. You have to come and help me.” The speech is slurred. It’s eleven am.

  “You’re in the fuckingpub? That’s not going to help!”

  “Evan, please. I wouldn’t ask but…”

  Wouldn’t ask? He’s done nothing but ask. Every time, dumping this shit on me. Making me responsible.

  “No.”

  The music fades as he moves. “If you don’t come back, I don’t know what she’s going to do.”

  “Don’t you fucking start! Her guilt trips are bad enough without you starting.”

  “What if she disappears again? I’ve told her to wait, that you’ll come and see her. She’s been looking for you.”

  “Yeah, I know. She tried calling a couple of weeks ago. I thought she’d given up.”

  “And I didn’t tell her where you are, which I could’ve done.”

  Emotional blackmail. My mind circles around my options. The desperate desire to cling onto my present and not be dragged back there. To the past. I haven’t been back to Lancaster since I left. Have zero desire to.

  “I can’t do it.”

  “I’m desperate. Or I wouldn’t call. Evan, please. Help me out here.”

  I draw in a huge breath and hold it until the lack of oxygen makes me dizzy. He sounds so drunk, pathetic. Desperate. I let the breath out and bang my head against the wall.

  “If I come back, it’s for the weekend only.”

  Unwanted memories follow me into the car, and call me back to Lancaster. To the past and away from my new life. Because of Lucy. Suddenly I remember my present. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I text an apology to Ness, tell her I’ll call after the weekend. Explaining is too hard right now.

  Chapter 14

  NESS

  The text from Evan shouldn’t be a surprise but the words are still a punch in the gut. Embarrassment not anger is my immediate emotion - I did the seducing, this wasn’t a case of letting myself go too far after a drunken night out. I knew Evan’s history and before I did anything with him, I told myself this would be the outcome. A glimmer of trust appeared after his behavior the morning after, when he arranged to meet me. An outright thanks and goodbye would’ve been preferable, why lie? I never took Evan for a coward.

  The odds of the ‘I’ll call you next week’ occurring seem slim. One good thing, I haven’t told Abby what happened so I’ve saved myself humiliation there.

  Despite efforts to push the hurt away, my mind-numbing job leaves my brain space to mull over the encounter. Typical insecurities sneak in. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? But seriously, would anything I did or didn’t do matter? I don’t want a friends with benefits relationship, so screw him. Oh yeah, I already did...

  The weekend passes by, and my peace with the situation gradually increases, as I repeatedly remind myself this was all my own doing.

  Monday comes and goes, and despite my attempts to not think about him, each time my phone rings my heart skips. Of course he doesn’t call. Or on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. By Thursday the hyperventilating every time I hear my ring tone ceases.

  Since Matt arrived on our doorstep, Abby has returned to her old life but not gone back to him. I think something about his weakness bolstered her - he’s called her everyday and she smiles each time she cancels his call. Fantastic she’s moved on, not so great as this means a new set of students invading the house.

  A text from Evan arrives out of the blue a few days later and I stare at the words blankly. His motivation puzzles me and I decide he’s looking for more sex. Maybe his killer body and poetry are failing him. I smile at the memory of our banter, Evan’s quick-wittedness hiding the typical male psyche underneath. I ignore him.

  Since that text is the only one he sends, I conclude my suspicions were right.

  I’m still getting crap at work about sales figures and I’m over the pressure there too. The idea of leaving and traveling for a year becomes more tempting each day. Research on my laptop encourages the idea - plenty of girls go it alone, meet up and travel together. What do I have to lose?

  I have some serious thinking to do about life, and removing myself from everything for a few months could bring the clarity I need. Working in this job is clearly not the right path but no way will I enroll into university with an ‘I told you so’ from my parents. I have to at least try and show them there’s more to life than the one they want me to have. Pictures of foreign beaches and blogs about travel adventures fill my spare time. Hell, maybe I won’t even
come back.

  ****

  EVAN

  Lucy and the past screw life up even from a distance. My foolish belief leaving Lancaster, and the nightmare of the last few years behind, is possible goes. Dutifully, I return to help, pulled straight into the old ways and old emotions. I vowed never to put myself through the pain again; Lucy isn’t my responsibility. But I care too much. How can I not?

  Sitting in my old room, looking at the Pennines in the distance, I can’t breathe. Trapped again. Getting away again once Lucy sucks me back is hard; a week goes by before I escape back to Leeds.

  The student environment is alien after the events of my week away, and I can’t reconnect. The cloud of Lucy pulls me down still and I want to see Ness. Nobody else in Leeds has a connection to me like her; she’s also on the edge of the world I’m struggling to return to. I can relax around her, be more like myself. Or as much as I can be around someone else. Everyone I talk to at uni holds onto their old lives, talk excitedly about their past. Ness understands, she’s like me. The control of the past needs to be escaped. Childhood is gone.

  My text gets ignored. I can’t blame her. The idea of contacting her while I was away crossed my mind a couple of times but the need to keep the two worlds separate stopped me calling. Big mistake.

  So I guess our attachment is done with, and I need to try harder to reconnect with others. Switch off Lancaster, turn on Leeds and hope Lucy stays where the hell she is.

  ****

  NESS

  The grey skies linger all day and the winter chill arrives sooner than in Cheltenham. Few leaves litter the grassed areas of campus now, as autumn ends. The golden hues remaining on the trees lining the path capture my attention, as the increasingly rare sunshine brightens the afternoon. I don’t get out of the car anymore when I come to pick up Abby because I don’t want to bump into Evan. Several weeks on, I think the event is dealt with in my mind, but seeing him would drag up the humiliation, which won’t quite leave me.