Because of Lucy

by Swallow, Lisa

  Some days, as I wait, I see guys who my jittery mind convinces me are Evan, until they get closer and I see they’re not. Today the guy is definitely him. I recognize the jacket he’s wearing and brown hair flops into his eyes as he strides confidently across campus. Alone. Why did my heart jump a little when I noticed he wasn’t with a girl? I sink down in the car seat, praying he doesn’t look over. My fingers hover around the ignition but I chastise myself. What difference does it make if he sees me or not?

  Evan pauses to talk to someone, whoever they are, obscured by his tall frame. He steps to one side and turns.Oh my god. Abby. They continue the conversation as he keeps glancing over at the car. I feel sick, chest tightening. Don’t come over. Please. I repeat the words like a mantra. When Abby approaches alone, I exhale the breath I’ve been holding. Disappointment twinges inside - my mantra worked.

  “I just saw Evan,” says Abby as she climbs in.

  “Yeah? How is he?” I summon a breezy, nonchalant tone. I still haven’t told her what happened the night he stayed.

  “Good, I think. He asked after you.”

  “Mmm?” My inability to speak comes out as a squeak.

  Abby takes her gloves off. “Did something happen? That night Matt came round?”

  “You’ve asked me before. Numerous times. No, it didn’t.”

  “Okay. My best friend sixth sense tells me otherwise. You’ve gone white and your hands are shaking.”

  I sit on my betraying hands. Saying anymore would confirm her suspicions.

  “He asked you to call him.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know! Call him and ask!” She pauses. “Maybe he wants to get you into bed again.”

  “Abby!” I hastily turn the key in the ignition, and jam the car into gear.

  “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much,” she says. And giggles.

  Chapter 15

  NESS

  I don’t call Evan. Abby says I’m stubborn, playing hard to get. Whatever. Why would I open myself up to him again? I’m keeping out of all things male and all things student. As originally intended.

  The bookmarks tab on my laptop grows daily with Internet research on backpacking. By my calculations, I should have enough money to go by spring. Six months. Half a year in my call center life pains me but then I think some people will always work there. I’m lucky to have the time and opportunities I have.

  I scroll through one of my favorite blogs, read an update on the girl whose adventures I’m following. She’s in Australia and the place looks amazing. The huge blue skies above her contrast with the gray evening encroaching my life from now until spring and I sigh. Six months. Maybe I should start a countdown. Create my own blog.

  Someone knocks on the door and voices carry up the stairs. I glance at the clock. 7PM. Around the time Abby goes out. Curiously, there’s only one other voice. Male. Interesting, I’ve not met the new guy she’s been talking about. Sneaking out of the room, I lean down the stairs to see him. And look straight into Evan’s face.

  My rear bumps onto the carpeted step, aware my own face has inflamed. Evan smiles warmly; not his sexy grin but a friendly smile. His eyes are less confident than usual.

  “Hey, Ness.”

  I offer a small smile in return but I’m dizzy and my stomach churns. Every minute of the night in bed with him tumbles through my mind on fast forward, I’m drawn to how damn sexy he looks without even trying. He stands, hands buried in his pockets, blue jacket open.

  “Did Abby say I asked you to call?” he asks.

  “I did,” said Abby.

  “Oh. I thought you might call?” he asks, “I wanted to catch up.”

  “It’s a while since I’ve seen you. And you could’ve called me. You’ve got my number.” As I look at his face, memories of those lips on mine and on my breasts resurface, and my face grows hotter.

  “I did try to contact you,” he said quietly, “but you didn’t answer.”

  “Eventually you did. And by text.”

  “Okay!” said Abby, “I think I’m going to finish getting ready to go out.” She sweeps upstairs and on the way past leans down. “Be nice.”

  I trudge downstairs, wishing I wasn’t makeup free and in mismatching clothes.

  “How’s work?” he asks.

  “Shit. How’s poetry class?”

  “Pretty good. Missed a few lessons when I was away.”

  “Yeah? Didn’t know they taught at weekends.”

  Evan perches on the arm of the sofa, steadying himself. “I was away longer than the weekend, Ness. I texted you when I got back.”

  “Don’t they have mobile reception in Lancaster?”

  Something in Evan’s face opens me to him. A haunted expression, as he blinks away whatever thought crossed his mind. “It was a difficult time.”

  Oh, crap. Maybe someone died. “But it’s okay now?”

  “It’s not something I want to talk about.”

  Hidden secrets. Broken boy? Not my problem.

  “Anyway, you didn’t call and you wouldn’t reply to the texts I sent so I thought I’d come round.”

  “Why?”

  Evan tips his head, hair falling to one side. “Why do people normally visit other people’s houses?”

  “There’s a whole number of reasons.” I head to the kitchen, away from his maddening, physical pull.

  “I came to see you. To talk to you. And apologize.” He’s in the doorway, leaning on the frame, mirroring the evening we first spoke. Apart from he’s more upright than that first night.

  “You don’t need to apologize.”

  “I feel like a fucking cliché, Ness. I slept with you, arranged to meet you then sent you an ‘I’ll call you’ text.”

  “Did you want a drink?” I turn to the kettle.

  “Good idea, we can go for a beer.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Ness…” I turn back round, aware my hands tremble slightly. Evan’s hands are tucked under his arms, folded across his chest. “I know. I’m asking you to come for a drink with me. To apologize.”

  I consider his offer. His explanation for not calling is semi-plausible. But he didn’t say he’d explain.

  “I don’t feel like going out tonight. And not with you.”

  He frowns, and I think it’s at himself and not me. “Tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Okay, how about I ask you on a date?”

  I lean against the sink. “A date? Really? You’re not very good at keeping dates.”

  “I’m sorry, I fucked up. But I want to get to know you. I told you that before. We just got…interrupted.”

  He’s sucking me in again. Not by choosing to flash his sexy smile at me, but by his openness. His admittance he did wrong.

  “I don’t know…” My resolve wavers as he steps towards me, as if we’re being magnetically pulled.

  “Please, Ness. At least let me apologize for hurting you.”

  “You didn’t hurt me,” I snap, “I knew what I was doing.”

  “Okay…” I can tell he doesn’t believe me. “But you’ll come out with me tomorrow night?”

  Jeez he doesn’t give up. “I’m working tomorrow night.”

  “No problem, I’ll pick you up around ten tomorrow morning.”

  He grins and turns, leaves before I have a chance to protest. As I switch the kettle on and wait for the water to boil, I fight with myself, annoyed at how pleased I am he came over.

  ****

  EVAN

  Why can’t I keep away from her? Doing the love them and leave them thing has never bothered me. Not once. I don’t do guilt. The longer I waited for her to get in touch, the more apparent it became she wasn’t going to. I’m not used to this situation either - normally girls get on my back if we’ve gone as far as sex, wanting more from me. Ironically, the first time I want a girl to, she’s not bothered. Then I saw Abby who was clueless what’d happened between me and Ness, but still gave
me a hard time, and the guilt over hurting Ness caught up with me. Ness was so close, sitting in her car but I wasn’t brave enough to go over. I hate confrontations, crying girls. But after seeing Abby, everything tumbled back, all the feel good memories from being with Ness. So I gave in, decided to apologize and see how I went.

  When I knock on her door the next morning, Ness answers dressed in jeans and a baggy jumper. She’s wearing lip-gloss, which I think is a good sign? Her shiny lips draw memories of kissing them. That evening was so long ago now, so much happened in my life in between.

  “Where are we going?” she asks as we head to my car.

  “I made a picnic.”

  “Picnic?” Ness looks at me as if I’d told her we’re going to spend the day running naked though the streets.

  “Sitting, eating food. Why, does picnic mean something else in the South of England?”

  “No, I just wouldn’t associate you with picnics. And it’s November.”

  She opens the car door and steps in, wrinkling her nose. I climb into the driver’s seat. I really need to clean my car, the fast food wrappers are taking over. The same greasy odor assaults me too.

  “I hope that’s not the picnic I can smell,” she says and smiles at me.

  From that moment, I know I’ve made the right decision.

  ****

  NESS

  The patchwork Pennines in the distance make a welcome change from the brick and concrete views of the city. The move from Cheltenham to Leeds was jarring, swapping my green countryside life for urban sprawl, and I took a while to readjust. Getting out of Leeds feels like taking a lungful of fresh air.

  Evan drives away from the city, the suburbs growing smaller until we hit the motorway. I eye the road signs as we pass.

  “You’re not taking me to Lancaster, I hope?”

  His hands grip the wheel a little tighter. “Definitely not.”

  “I get the feeling you really hate the place.”

  “Yeah.”

  A muscle twitches in his cheek. I want to ask why he went back but understand he’s closed the book on his old life as much as he can. Even after the mysterious visit. Same as me. My parents wanted to come to see me and I refused. Despite leaving on okay terms, I don’t want them entering into my new life. Interfering.

  And I don’t want to break the news to Mum I’ll be leaving the country for a few months. On my own.

  “So, where are we going?” I ask.

  “There’s a town I like. A world away from Leeds, but only a short drive.”

  His car isn’t comfortable, springs begin to surface under the fabric and after an hour I shift around uncomfortably. Our conversation dries up after half an hour, acknowledging we barely know each other. I bite the inside of my mouth as the realization I slept with a guy I hardly know hits again. Some of my grabs at independence aren’t well thought out. Besides, I don’t know how to talk to him without getting snarky. The words just come out that way. I’m a little less pissed off with him now, but I don’t trust his motives.

  Gradually the road begins to wind through the hilly countryside, lined by winter trees. We stop in a beautiful mill town, parking by a park near the canal which cuts through the center of the stone built houses.

  “It’s so quiet,” I say as he pulls a rucksack from the car boot. “Amazing views.”

  The hills are closer now, the town cutting a path through the valley, stone walls crisscrossing the fields above us.

  Evan hitches the rucksack over his shoulder and grabs my hand. His cool fingers encircle mine and my stomach lurches. I look down at his large hand around mine, arm stiffening.

  “Can I hold your hand?” he asks, grip loosening.

  After what we did in my bedroom, I think the hand holding stage has been skipped, so it’s odd for him to ask me. I don’t reply and I don’t pull my hand away.

  We wander silently along the towpath, where a long barge is wedged in the lock, water gushing in to move the vessel down. We lean over the gate and watch, waving at the excited children on their boat trip. As the barge settles onto the canal below, we continue along the path.

  “We’re a world away,” I say.

  “I thought you’d like it here.”

  Evan’s choice of picnic spot is a wooden bench table beneath a tree. For once, the winter day is sunny, taking the edge off the biting breeze. I’m impressed by Evan’s collection of picnic food - sandwiches, salads and cream cakes bought from the local bakers, still tucked into their paper bags. He sets out two cups and a large bottle of orange juice with his long fingers. All the while I study him; have I underestimated him? He has a blue scarf wrapped around his neck, his long hair touching the edge. His cheeks are pink from the cold and there’s a natural happiness in his face; as if the weight of whatever follows him has gone for today.

  “You’re good at this,” I say.

  “At what?”

  “Picnics. Most guys wouldn’t have any idea - I’d have a bag of crisps and a can of coke.”

  His eyebrows dip. “I’ve always liked picnics. I just copy what we used to have when I was a kid.”

  “We never really did the whole picnic thing.”

  “Then we’ll have to go on plenty to make up for it.”

  He passes me a sandwich and the connotation of his words come with the bread. More time together.

  “Thanks,” he says, picking up a sandwich of his own.

  “For?”

  “Agreeing to come out with me. I didn’t want you to think I was one of those guys.”

  “I knew what sort of guy you were when I chose to do it, Evan.”

  He shakes his head. “Did someone hurt you? In the past? You have a low opinion of me. Of guys.”

  I rub my eyes. “No more than usual teen break ups.”

  “Maybe part of growing up involves accepting people make mistakes, life is more complicated.”

  “That’s very deep.”

  “Perhaps I should transfer to Psych.” He smiles, a tug at one corner. “What I mean is, we’re all finding our way. And sometimes we get lost.”

  “So you got lost the day you never called me back?”

  Pouring a drink into both cups, Evan sips from one. “Yeah, like I said, I fucked up when I didn’t call you so I guess I did. But I’m glad you let me find you again.”

  Evan chews on his lip as he looks at me, brown eyes clear. Not turning on seductive charms or trying to impress me. Honesty.

  The night I met Evan in the kitchen, the chances of ever being here having an intelligent conversation were zero. The day I slept with him, the idea he’d do more than notch me on his bedpost remained with me. But he’s reaching out to me, connecting with me. And I don’t know why. All relationships are inexplicable, every person we meet fated, but where fate leads I don’t know. My tendency to over think needs tucking away.

  “Are you saying you want to get to know me?” I ask him.

  “Yes, as I said weeks ago. Nothings changed.”

  “Will you let me get to know you?”

  Evan shifts in his seat and picks at his food. “I guess. If you want to.”

  I place a gloved hand on his. “It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”

  He looks up at me under his lashes. “Poetry?”

  “No, probably read it on a Facebook status. But it sounds good, hey?”

  We share a smile of understanding; his hand curls around mine and squeezes. “Yeah, sounds good.”

  At the end of the afternoon, we walk back to the car. I don’t want to leave this beautiful town, the idea of a looming evening at the battery farm is unappealing. A day chatting with Evan crystallized the reality of my life. I’m isolating myself with the wrong choices. Lack of interaction at work has pulled me into myself. And Evan’s pulling me out.

  “Ness.”

  Evan lets go of my hand as we approach the car and stops.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, turning to him.

  Evan
reaches a hand out and strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. My breath catches as he pulls me towards him with his other arm. Evan bends his head towards me, touching his lips ever so gently on mine before pulling away again.

  “You are an amazing person,” he says.

  “You hardly know me.” One touch of his lips and my heart rate has doubled.

  “I wish I had your strength, to turn away and keep away from things that hurt you.”

  I suddenly see a little boy with pain in his eyes and realize he will let me get to know him. Hidden Evan. Not knowing what to say, I brush my finger against his lips and smile. There’s a rawness to the emotion in his face and voice which drags me into him. A gravitational pull into his life I never expected.

  I never intended to, but I place my lips against him and taste the sweet orange juice as he parts his lips and I slide my tongue into his mouth. Our tongues tangle and he gently presses me against the car, his hard thighs against mine as our bodies align. There’s no space between us and my head spins again as his kiss reawakens the ecstasy of the night we tangled in my bed. This is safe; we’re in public and the igniting desire inside can be contained.

  As if aware, Evan pulls his head back and strokes my eyebrow with his rough thumb. “I like kissing you.”

  I rub my lips together, savoring the Evan taste and his scent on my clothes. “I have to admit, I like when you kiss me.”

  He cups my cheeks in his hands, dark brown eyes searching mine. “That night together, it was never just another night with another girl. I wanted it to be the first of many mornings I woke up with you in my arms. Can we start again?”

  I don’t reply, burrowing my face into his jacket to consider his words. Maybe it’s worth taking a second chance on the guy who fills me with butterflies.

  Chapter 17

  EVAN

  Three days with Ness. Of waking and wanting to be with Ness, even when I only saw her hours ago. Our day away from our everyday lives extends into two more, and every moment I spend with Ness cements me to her. She wants to be with me but doesn’t want anything from me. The three days we’ve spent together feels like three weeks, and each day we discover new things about each other, tiny connections we never knew we had. There’s an easiness of being able to say nothing and just be. Sometimes you need to lose someone to be able to find them.