Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  “Just give me fifteen minutes to shower and change then we can go to the dining room and get some snacks and stuff for the movie,” Malcolm said as he crossed the room to his door.

  “What movie are we watching?” Avery called out.

  “The Notebook,” he called over his shoulder as he disappeared behind his bedroom door, blocking out the collective groan from the three of us.

  Twenty minutes later we were in the dining room getting pizza, fries, sodas, and popcorn to take up to the Movie room. We had just settled in our seats when Malcolm stood before the screen, “Ok so I didn’t pick the Notebook, I got the Goonies!” All three of my floormates let out a collective ‘YES!’ while I scrunched my nose.

  “Uh, what’s a Goonie?” Three heads swung my way with variations of shock and disbelief on their faces. I instantly felt judged. My shoulders slumped a bit as I sank lower into my seat, the old me making an appearance. “Sorry if that was a stupid question,” I whispered, suddenly feeling like I should leave.

  “Hey, It’s ok. It’s not a stupid question at all; we didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Marjorie.” Bodie had crossed to me from the opposite side of the room to comfort me.

  “I don’t really watch a lot of t.v. or movies, except for A League of Their Own. I love that movie. It always makes me laugh.”

  “Me too!” Avery exclaimed, “Next movie night we’ll totally watch A League of Their Own!” The guys all agreed, and I started to feel myself relax a bit. I was doing so well, but one little criticism and I was that girl again, right back to where I started. At least I was able to voice my discomfort, so maybe not totally like the old me, but certainly not the me I want to be. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it, it’s only been two weeks, but…

  “You know, Pinkie, it’s ok that you haven’t done a lot of stuff that the average teenager has. But I think you need to try and work on not always feeling judged because of it. We weren’t judging you. It’s just the Goonies is a pretty popular movie so we were shocked that you haven’t seen it. But I guess the truth is that we don’t really know a lot about each other. Hopefully, that will change the more time we spend together doing fun things like this. Yeah?”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin the night.” I bit my lip.

  I can never do anything right - just ask my mother.

  “You didn’t ruin anything,” Malcolm's baritone bit out. “How about instead of beating this dead horse we just watch the movie, eat, relax, and leave all our baggage at the door?” They all looked at me and my face flushed with embarrassment. It was all my fault, I always take everything so personal.

  You’ve got to stop this Marjorie! They’re not your parents.

  Tears started to build up, but I pushed them down.

  “You’re wrong. I ruin things all the time. It’s just... my whole life I've been criticized for every little thing I say or do, so now I have this built-in response of trying to make myself as small and as quiet as I can. Sierra and my brother were the only ones who never tried to do that to me. But then my brother went away to college and Sierra died.” I looked over at Zachery who flinched a little. “I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I don’t like that girl, I never liked that girl, but I didn’t know I could be anyone else.” A repressed tear broke free and slid down my face and I quickly wiped it away.

  “Well, that’s why we’re all here right? To learn how to be better versions of ourselves?” Zachery offered.

  “Right!” Avery replied, “It takes time, Pinkie, but you’ll get there.”

  “Why do you keep calling me Pinkie?” She smiled at me and pointed to my face.

  “You turn pink when you’re embarrassed or anxious or nervous or pretty much anytime you’re put on the spot.” Dammit, I huffed, pretty sure I was turning pink at this very moment.

  “Alright. Whatever, can we just watch this movie now?” I asked, sinking into the corner of the couch, desperate to get the attention off of me before I had an episode and blacked out. Within five minutes we were watching the Goonies and eating our now cold food.

  Another thing that was my fault.

  By the end of the movie, I was feeling like my old-new-self again.

  As we were on our way back to the elevator landing we saw residents running down the hall and exiting the stairs to the first floor. When we got there the paramedics were rolling a gurney out of the elevator. Cashmere’s floormates followed after, and they all had blank expressions on their faces and I knew that it was Cashmere underneath that blanket. Instantly our conversation came back to me.

  “I probably shouldn’t tell you cause he’d kill me but, I know he won’t since he doesn’t think he stands a chance against the others. What’s he gonna do when I'm gone?”

  “You’re going home after all?” A tense look crossed their face before it smoothed out almost as fast.

  “Sort of.”

  “Oh my God!” I cried from behind my hand that flew to my mouth. She had all but told me she was going to kill herself.

  I could have stopped this! This is my fault!

  Those were my last thoughts before I fainted.

  Chapter 13

  Marjorie

  I woke up in the infirmary surrounded by the worried faces of my floormates and friends. Friends. It was still weird to think I had a friend let alone four, but there they were, staring back at me. “Stop staring at me. You’re all freaking me out. I faint all the time when I get too stressed.” I tried to sit up, but my head started to pound. “Ow!” I cried as I touched a tender spot on the back of my head.

  “You banged your head pretty hard on the floor,” Zachery offered in a hushed tone.

  “Yeah, your head kinda bounced a few times. Made a sound like a melon being thumped,” Avery said trying to hide the smile that was creeping on her lips.

  “It’s okay, Avery, you can laugh. I bet it looked pretty funny. Next time I'll try to give you a warning so you can record it. Oh, wait, no phones, darn I could have gone viral!” Everyone burst out laughing at that, but the mood soon turned serious again. “It was Cashmere wasn’t it?” Bodie turned away from us, but I heard him sniffle.

  “Yes,” Malcolm whispered. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. The memory of our conversation flashed through my mind and sense of failure washed over me.

  “Why? I don’t understand why she would do it?”

  “I don’t mean to be rude, but why does this bother you so much? You didn’t know her, did you?” Avery asked with a bit of skepticism in her tone.

  “Yesterday, after everything that had happened we ran into each other, literally, in the dining room. She told me some stuff.” I glanced at Bodie and he smirked. “That I ...I should have realized what she meant. It’s my fault; if I had paid better attention I could have prevented this.” My body began to shake from the sobs wracking my body.

  “Don’t. Don’t do that. This isn’t your fault. You think this is the first time she’s done this? It isn’t. You don’t get to take that blame onto your shoulders,” Bodie growled as he crossed over to me. His eyes were red-rimmed and I jerked away from him and the anger in his voice. “She was my friend, but even I knew that this was coming. Hell, my first day here she tried it. I hoped I was wrong, I even started to believe that maybe I was. It had been months since her last attempt.” He shook his head. “But I guess whatever went down yesterday was too much.” I reached a hand out and touched his. Our eyes met.

  “I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend, Bodie. I didn’t even know you knew her until she stopped to talk to me yesterday.” He clenched his jaw and blinked rapidly before nodding. In truth he hadn’t known her that long, but how long is long enough before you can say it’s ok to form a meaningful bond with someone?

  “I met her when I first arrived. I had been transferred here from the hospital and I was still in withdrawal so I didn’t get a room in the tower right away. She was in the recovery room next to me on a forty-eight hour watch because she h
ad just attempted suicide. The next day she snuck into my room. She said that she wanted to check on me because she heard me screaming in my sleep,” he let out a low chuckle at the memory of their first meeting, “She was the kindest person. I know she acted like a bitch to a lot of people, but she was just scared.

  One day while we were sitting at one of the picnic tables she told me that she was developing feelings for me and that she didn’t think we should be friends anymore. She didn’t want people to get the wrong impression of me. ‘What impression is that?’ I asked her. The look on her face when she said ‘tranny lover’ was heartbreaking.” He walked to the wall at the far side of the room, leaned against it, and folded his arms over his chest. “I knew what she was; we never talked about it, but I knew, and I didn’t care. She was my friend, my only friend at the time. I told her that I didn’t care what people thought of me, they could call me all the names they wanted. All I cared about was that she knew that I would never turn my back on her. People get so caught up in appearances that they often miss the beauty within, and she was beautiful.” He paused and met each of our eyes in turn,” I wanted her to meet you guys, I wasn’t trying to keep her a secret, but she was scared, and when she saw our connections growing she pulled away even further. I think she was in love with me and even though I didn’t want to break her heart, I couldn’t return the feelings. I’m a pretty open guy. I’ve kissed a few dudes in my time, and it’s no big deal to me that she was transsexual. I even thought about kissing her to prove my point to her that I saw her for who she was- a sweet, caring, sensitive soul, but I didn’t want to confuse her. The last time I talked to her she was hoping that her dad would agree to let her go home and start hormones; I’m guessing he didn’t and that she blamed Dr. Banner. That’s why she was here, you know, because her prick father thought she was crazy for believing she was really female and wanting to become one. I hope he’s happy now with what he’s done to her.” He shook his head and wiped away the stray tear that rolled down his cheek, “I gotta go. I really want a bottle of vodka, or ten right now so, uh, I’m gonna go to group. I’ll see you guys later, okay?” He strode to the door and left before we could offer a reply.

  “I’ll go with him,” Malcolm said as he made his way out the door. Zachery, Avery and I sat in awkward silence for an hour before Dr. Jones came to clear me for discharge.

  I was in my room writing in my journal when a knock on my door startled me. “Come in.” I thought maybe it was Bodie and my stomach dropped a bit, but when Nurse Astrid walked in I began to worry. My heart started to race and I jumped out of my chair. “Is everything ok?” She waved away my worry.

  “Yes, of course. I was just coming to check on you. You took a pretty hard hit to your head and I just wanted to make sure you’re not in any pain,” she said as she wiggled a cup with two pills inside. I really liked her. She was kind and not at all what I imagined a treatment facility Nurse would be like.

  “Actually, I’m ok. It hurts, but it’s manageable.” I was never allowed pain meds as a child so I had learned to just deal with the pain.

  “Okay. Dr. Banner set up a one-on-one for tomorrow at nine a.m.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” She nodded and left, closing the door softly behind her. I could hear Bodie and Malcolm talking as they entered the living room, but I wasn’t ready to face Bodie. He was angry and even though I knew that anger wasn’t directed at me, I still felt responsible. Like I did with Sierra. It wasn’t exactly the same, but it was still because of my actions.

  Without warning my chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe, the weight of the last two days catching up to me. I fell to the floor and squeezed myself into the fetal position. My head started to pound with the rush of blood. I was on the verge of passing out when I heard voices calling out to me.

  “Marjorie!” Avery yelled my name, but it sounded muffled like she was at the opposite end of a tunnel. I pinched my eyes tighter as a wave of nausea rolled over me.

  “No, stay back!” Zachery boomed.

  “Are you serious? Look at her she’s freaking out! We need to help her!” Avery's usually tinkly voice was loud and shrill with worry.

  “No, she can do this on her own. She has to, it’s what she wants,” Zachery pleaded.

  “Come on man, I don't think she can,” Malcolm ground out.

  “She never will if we don’t let her,” Zachery argued.

  “Okay, enough fighting. Marjorie, can you hear me?” His breath and sunblock scent blew across my face and with that small connection I was able to focus, “Come on, you can do this, just breathe, breathe...that’s right, just like that. You can do this. Focus on your breathing. In and out, in and out. That’s good Marjorie,” Bodie’s voice was calm and soothing, the exact opposite of how I was feeling, but it helped. My eyes were still shut, but I could see them in my mind's eye all standing there, worried faces and pacing, which wasn’t helping so I shut that all out and focused on Bodie’s words and my breathing.

  I can do this! I am strong!

  My breathing began to stabilize as my heartbeat slowed to a normal rhythm. My head was still pounding, but I knew I wouldn’t blackout. I had gotten through the worst of it. Bodie’s words and their concern helped me. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes and sat up. Disappointment in myself for needing their help began to creep into my mind, but I pushed it away. This was just a small setback.

  “Can you get Nurse Astrid? She offered me some aspirin earlier and I think I need it now.”

  “Yeah, sure I’ll go get her,” Zachery offered, already running out of the room.

  “Do you want us to help you up or to the bed?” Avery asked nervously.

  “Uh, yeah, that would be great, thanks.” All three of them reached for me at the same time and bumped heads sending a loud thunking noise into the air.

  “Son of a bitch, Avery, you’ve got a hard head!” Malcolm exclaimed, rubbing the spot where they connected.

  “Like you didn’t know that before the headbutt?” Bodie offered as he rubbed his forehead. We all burst out laughing.

  “Ow, it hurts, don’t make me laugh,” I said as I lay back down. They continued to laugh, this time at me.

  “Looks like we missed the good part,” Nurse Astrid said as she and Zachery walked into my room. They all moved aside so she could make her way to me. “Ok. let’s get you off the floor and onto the bed.” She pulled me to sitting and then Zachery lifted me in his arms. I could feel my face flush being so close to him. He smelled like soap and...man. His face got really close to mine as he lay me on the bed and for a split second, I wished he would lean down and kiss me. He didn’t though. He moved aside as Nurse Astrid stepped up holding the pills and a cup of water out for me to take.

  “Thank you.” I took the pills and water and sat back against the headboard. “I should probably eat something too. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning in the infirmary,”

  “Rest a little and let the pills take effect and then get some food. I just gave you Tylenol so it won’t hurt your stomach if it’s empty.” She pat me on the arm and then left. Avery, Bodie, Malcolm, and Zachery stood throughout the room in awkward poses with mixed emotions on their faces.

  “I’m ok, guys. I just...everything from the past two days..maybe the past few weeks if I’m honest, just seemed to catch up with me. It was bound to happen right?” They continued to look upon me as if I would break again at any moment. I couldn’t blame them though, could I? One little criticism and I fell apart in the movie room. “I’m okay, really. You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to retreat again. Although it is nice to have someone to worry about you. I haven’t had that in a long time, so thanks for that,” my voice was a whisper at the end. I could feel the tears start to build, but I blinked them away.

  God, I’m so tired of crying.

  “I’m sorry if we made it worse with all the yelling back and forth, we just wanted to help, but we didn’t know what to do. I mean, I guess Zachery did but….
” Avery had a look on her face that showed how much worry she had for me and her usually tinkling voice sounded hollow.

  “I’m sorry if I scared you. And, no, you didn’t make it worse. You actually made it better. Knowing you were there...I used to have episodes a lot. Sierra was there for a lot of them, but for the ones that she wasn’t there for it would take me hours to calm down if I didn’t pass out first.” I wiped the tears, that had somehow escaped from my cheeks, “I know you must think I’m this fragile thing that could break at any moment…”

  “No. No, that’s not what we think at all. You’re strong Mj. Stronger than a lot of people. Please don’t ever think of yourself like that,” Malcolm’s words were pointed and fierce. He looked pained that I would think otherwise. I looked around the room at all of them. I couldn’t believe that they could see me so differently than I did, but I was suddenly overcome with the desire to prove them right. Strength isn’t in what you feel, it’s in what you do despite how you feel, pushing forward no matter what. It can be exhausting and sometimes seem futile, but you get through it even if it’s by the skin of your teeth. A victory is a victory no matter how small the margin. That was me, my whole life, and he was right; I was strong. I never believed that but if they all saw it, if Sierra saw it, then it must be true. All I had to do now was believe it myself. I got up from the bed and walked over to Malcolm.

  “Thank you. Thank you all.” I held my arms out to them and they all came willingly. I had never been much for touching, but I needed to feel them. I needed their closeness. I needed them. We needed each other. I knew in my heart that I would never be alone again. I had found four amazing people to share my life, and whatever happened, wherever life would take us, we would remain close. Sierra came to my mind and for the first time, I could think of her without the overwhelming weight of guilt on my heart. This is what she wanted for me. She could never truly understand what I needed because she wasn’t like me. She did her best and I loved her for that. Loved her still. I had never equated what I felt for her with love, but I knew now that was exactly what it was. But these four, they got me. Yes, our circumstances were as different as night and day, but we were all going through something that set us apart from the other kids our age. We all knew fear, pain, rejection, and loss. Those things had caused us to do harmful and dangerous things to ourselves and others. But in spite of everything we were lucky. We found this place and we found each other. The realization of that made me want to share everything with them. We stood there for a few minutes before my rumbling stomach interrupted the sereneness of the moment. We all laughed and I looked to Bodie who flinched at my stare.