Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  “Would you guys give us a minute alone?” They all nodded before heading out the door.

  “Marjorie…”

  “Wait. I need to say something to you first. You’re a good friend. More than that you are a good person and I’m sorry that I haven’t done more to get to know you better. Maybe if I had, then I would have known about your friendship with Cashmere and she could have become my friend and she wouldn’t have felt so alone.” Bodie pulled me into his arms, pushing away the coldness that had seeped into my soul.

  “No, Marjorie. It wouldn’t have made any difference. She didn’t want friends, she wanted love; the love of her father, the love of a man’s touch.” I understood then why he didn’t blame me- he blamed himself for not being able to give that to her, no matter how much he cared for her.

  “You’re not to blame either Bodie. You were honest with her about your feelings. I’m sure that was one of the things that she loved most about you. I know it’s one of my favorite things.” He pulled away from our embrace and I felt a bubble of desire float around in my belly as his sky blue eyes met mine.

  “Thanks, Marjorie for caring about me and Cashmere.” His eyes lingered on my lips and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me, but then my stomach growled again, pulling us out of the moment. Bodie stepped back and ran his hand through his hair. “Come on, let's get some food in you.”

  Malcolm, Avery, and Zachery were sitting in the common room when we walked out of my room.

  “Everything alright?” Avery questioned, trepidation running through her tone.

  Bodie nodded, “As alright as it’s going to be tonight.” She looked to me and I smiled tightly with a shrug as I made my way to the elevators.

  I stopped at the entrance of the dining room, remembering that it was just yesterday afternoon that Cashmere and I were here alone, and now she was dead. I closed my eyes and said a small prayer that she was finally at peace and happy before entering. Despite the conversation I had with Bodie, I knew it would take a while before I could fully accept that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent Cashmere’s suicide. I’m almost certain that the reason it affected me so much was because deep down I didn’t want to die that day, I was just ready to make my pain stop and I didn’t know any other way to make that happen. I truly believed that Cashmere felt the same. It broke my heart that she’d never get another chance to find happiness. Thank God Carson had come home. I needed to talk to my brother. I needed to tell him that I was sorry and to thank him for saving me and for being there for me growing up. Suddenly I was filled with anticipation about my one-on-one with Dr. Banner tomorrow. Today couldn’t end soon enough.

  Chapter 14

  Marjorie

  When I woke up the next morning I was exhausted. I had a hard time falling asleep and I tossed and turned most of the night until I got up around two a.m., deciding to write down all of the things that were rattling around in my head. I had so much that I wanted to talk to Dr. Banner about. Once I was done, about an hour and a half later, I was finally able to sleep. I had set an alarm on the clock that sat on my nightstand and woke with a start when it went off at seven-thirty a.m. I gripped my chest, certain that my heart was going to burst out of it. As soon as I calmed down I got out of bed and jumped in the shower. I was tired, but the adrenaline coursing through me kept it at bay for now; I was certain that I would crash later, and unfortunately I still had online classes to take today.

  When I got out of the shower I dressed quickly and headed down to the dining room, but on my way there I realized that I had forgotten my notes so I went back up to get them. When I got to my room I noticed a picture of a watermelon taped to my door and the word ‘thunk’ written on it. It was obviously from Avery making fun of the sound my head made as it hit the floor, and it made me laugh. I quickly grabbed my notes and hurried back down to the dining room. It was already full of people and even though I was nervous about going in alone, I didn’t let that stop me. I just took a deep breath and walked in. A few eyes turned my way, a few whispers were heard, but for the first time, I didn’t care.

  I hardly recognize myself.

  As I stood in line for the buffett a soothing voice tickled my ear, “Good Morning, Mj.” Malcolm. His voice set something off inside me. A flutter in the pit of my stomach.

  Butterflies?

  I turned my head slightly towards him. “Good Morning, Mal.” He quirked a brow at me. “Well, I figure if you give me a nickname it’s only fair you get one too.”

  “Nah, I don’t mind, it’s just that Mal means bad in Spanish. So maybe something else?” I moved up in line and grabbed a tray.

  “Oh, you speak Spanish?”

  “Un poquito,” he replied with a saucy dimpled smile on his face. I rolled my eyes.

  “Okay, then what’s your middle name?” He scrunched his nose as he added two breakfast tacos to his plate.

  “No, definitely not my middle name.” I was intrigued.

  “Well, now I gotta know!”

  “Byron,” his voice was nothing more than a whisper as his eyes darted to see if others were paying attention to our conversation.

  “What’s wrong with that name. By…” He shushed me and I rolled my eyes again. “That’s a nice name. But ok, so what then? Do you have a name in mind?” We took our food and headed for our table way in the back.

  “Everybody used to call me eighty-eight back when I played. Sometimes I forgot that Malcolm was my actual name.” He looked wistful, lost in his past for a moment. “But now, I don’t know.” I felt bad for him. He had lost a lot. Like me, he spent his whole life being defined by one specific thing. We both believed that our fates were tied into how people saw us, what they expected of us, and that it would always be like that.

  “You know, you can still be Eighty-eight. Like the president. Even though he isn’t the president anymore, he’s still called Mr. President as a sign of respect. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life as though your past didn’t happen. People will still love you even if you’re not that guy anymore. So, if you want to be called eighty-eight then that’s what we’ll call you.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe one day, but right now I just don’t think I’m ready.” He looked off to the side for a moment.

  “Okay ...Byron,” I teased before shoving a piece of bacon in my mouth. He turned back to me and shook his head.

  “I’m gonna regret telling you that aren’t I?” I smiled innocently at him and shrugged.

  “Hey, Malcolm, maybe sometime you can show me some of your football stuff? If you want to.”

  He shrugged, “Yeah, maybe. I don’t have a lot here, but I can ask my parents to bring a few videos and stuff when they visit next week.” His demeanor had quickly changed and I could see the brightness in his eyes return.

  “That would be great! I’d really like to learn more about you.” I swallowed the lump that had somehow formed in my throat.

  “Yeah, me too.” I felt the butterflies return at the way he looked at me.

  I think I’m seriously falling for Malcolm too.

  We sat in silence eating the rest of our food before it was time for me to go to my one-on-one.

  This time when I got to Dr. Banner’s office I wasn’t nervous. I was excited. I had come to a few realizations and I wanted to get her professional opinion about them. I was about to knock on the door when it opened and a beautiful girl stepped out almost knocking me over.

  “Oh, my. I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there,” she said as she grabbed onto my arms to steady me. Her voice was soft and smooth like honey. She was a little shorter than me and curvy in all the right places. She had dark brown hair and eyes with the longest lashes I'd ever seen. Her lips were full and her skin was the color of cafe au lait, but with more au lait than cafe. “You must be Marjorie. I’m Maddison, Dr. Banner’s assistant. It’s nice to meet you.” She let go of my arms and moved to the side. “You can go in. Dr. Banner will be right back.”

&nb
sp; I walked past her and took my usual seat on the gray tufted couch. “Can I get you anything while you wait? Dr. Banner has water, soda, and juice,” she asked, still standing at the doorway.

  “No, thank you. I’m good.” She was really pretty. I bet all the guys here, nurses and residents, had a little thing for her. I felt a pang of jealousy at the thought of my guys and even Avery paying a little too much attention to her. I internally rolled my eyes at myself.

  It’s not her fault for being attractive, Marjorie. You’re being ridiculous.

  Ok. Well, Dr. Banner will be in shortly. It was nice to meet you.”

  “Yeah, you too Maddison.” I barely got my reply out before she closed the door.

  Dr. Banner walked in on me bouncing my legs and biting my nails. I really felt like I could burst at any moment with all of the words that needed to be said.

  “Is everything alright, Marjorie?” she asked with a crease in her brow as she walked to the couch.

  “Yeah, I’m great. I just have a lot I need to say. A lot of questions and stuff just flying around in my head.”

  “Well, good. I’m glad you’re coming with questions. Hopefully, I will be able to answer them all. I was going to start with where we left off last time, but it seems you’re going to split in half if you don’t get it out, so have at it.”

  “Do you think my problem is my parents?” This had been a thought that I had been pushing to the back of my mind for a while. Being here has made me feel like it could be the most true thing I’ve ever felt, “I mean, you wanted to talk about them before...we were interrupted.”

  “What do you think?”

  “Yes,” I answered without hesitation. She looked at me with a small smile on her face.

  “Why?”

  “Because as far back as I can remember I’ve never been comfortable around them. I hated being at home. I’m always doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, acting the wrong way. Nothing I ever do is acceptable. My whole body feels like one giant knot when I’m around them and no matter what I do I can’t seem to unwind myself. My whole life is spent second-guessing myself even though I already know whatever I do will be wrong and met with their disapproving eyes and harsh judgment. You know, I can’t remember the last time they said they loved me and the first time my mom touched me in years was in the hospital- and that was just for show. Every bit of affection or encouragement came from Sierra or my brother, Carson. But even then the doubt that my parents planted in me since I was a small child made me question their faith in me, faith in myself.”

  “And what made you think about that now?”

  “I think I’ve always known, but there was nothing I could do about it. However, being here, away from them ...I just feel ...free.” The tears were coming in sheets down my cheeks and I didn't try to stop them or hide them. I needed to let go of everything and I knew she wouldn’t judge me. I knew she wanted the best for me.

  “If you went back home do you think that you could maintain this change in you, now that you recognize the toxicity that has plagued you, or would you revert back to the Marjorie that felt she had no control over her life?”

  “I don’t know. I’d like to say that I’m stronger now, but I don’t know. My mom pushes every button until she finds the right one. She’s relentless in her disapproval of me.” I was suddenly scared that I wasn’t strong enough, that the fear and self doubt my parents had fostered in me would be too much to overcome. But, I had to try. I needed to get from under their thumb if I was ever going to be the person my friends thought I was. “I want to see my parents. This time alone. I don’t want my brother to come yet. I need to face them and see if I can move past everything that they’ve done.” She studied me a minute, her eyes darkening with worry.

  “Were they ever physical with you?” I gulped and then lied.

  “No, nothing like that.” I know it was wrong to lie and I was mad at myself for doing it, but I was afraid she would refuse the visit and there was so much I needed to say to them. But she saw right through me.

  “Marjorie, if this process is to work you need to be honest. Otherwise what is the point?”

  “They didn’t beat me. Actually, my father never touched me at all.” I was unexpectedly bitter about his indifference.

  “And your mother?” I was still too afraid to tell the whole truth, but I could tell a half-truth and still be honest, right?

  “She would grab me, pinch me, things like that to get my attention, but she never hit me.”

  Besides that one time.

  Dr. Banner’s lips pursed thinking over what I had just said before a look of acceptance settled on her face, “If you think you can handle that then I will set up a visit for two Sundays from now, that way we can talk about it at your next one-on-one. In the meantime, that gives you more opportunities for group sessions to share and communicate. To think and devise a plan on how you wish to approach the visit. Because while they may see it as just a visit, for you it’s more than that; it’s therapy. It’s a way to share the things that you have learned about yourself and to explain their role in this process. It won’t be easy. It will be painful and exhausting, and I can almost guarantee that they will be defensive and deny your claims, but that isn’t the point. The point is that you make them aware of your feelings. That you assert yourself so that they know you are no longer going to be a victim of their treatment. What they do with that information is up to them.

  Now, they may own up to their shortcomings where you’re concerned. It has happened, but not very often. So, I wouldn’t get your hopes up on that outcome. More than likely they will leave threatening to never come back or see you again but remember they will be blindsided by all of this. Most people don’t do well with that sort of thing. If that happens, you should know that their lashing out is normal. Nobody likes to be told that they’ve failed, especially at parenting, especially by their child. I would suggest you talk to your floor mates about their first family visit and get a kind of consensus. The first visit is always the hardest. And no matter what your parents say they will be back, if for no other reason than to prove that you’re wrong about them. That’s human nature.” It was a lot of information to process and thinking about it hurt my head and my heart, but I was determined to go through with this.

  “Okay. Yes, please set up the visit.” She nodded.

  “Anything else you’d like to discuss?” I felt my face flush at the thought of what I wanted to discuss next.

  Just pull off the band-aid, Marjorie.

  “Yes. I’ve been having some feelings lately that I can’t explain.” I had to look down, I just couldn’t meet her eyes.

  “Of what nature?”

  Oh God, this is embarrassing.

  “Uh….” I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin I was so uncomfortable.

  “I understand you’re uncomfortable, but if you want me to understand you have to talk to me. I can’t guess at your feelings, that’s not how therapy works.” I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and went for it.

  “I honestly don’t know how to explain it. It's like this repressed feeling has just suddenly jumped to the forefront now that the fear and anxiety has subsided. I've never been attracted to anyone before and now there are these four amazing people in my life and all I want to do is be with them.” I was sure my face was as red as a tomato.

  “You're a young woman growing into adulthood. Those feelings, while uncomfortable and foreign to you, are completely normal. No one is going to think negatively of you for having sexual thoughts and desires. Fear is a strong emotion and can cloud even the clearest mind from time to time. It's an emotion you have to actively and consciously work at controlling, otherwise it can be quite debilitating as you well know. And, yes, once your mind is clear of that, all sorts of feelings and emotions can bubble up to the surface which can also be very unexpected and overwhelming.

  However, there are ways to manage all of these new feelings and emotions.
You can talk about them, like we are now, to try and understand where they're coming from. You can find some sort of outlet to help release them, depending on what they are, or you can give into them and learn from the experience. Of course, the third option is for anything non-destructive or harmful, but what you do is up to you.” I was feeling better; Dr. Banner was easy to talk to and she had a way to put you at ease no matter what the topic of conversation.

  “Now, I'm going to suggest something that might seem a bit controversial, but I think it could help. Have you ever masturbated?” I don't think my eyes could get any wider if I tried. “Hear me out, okay? Masturbation is perfectly natural and normal. It's an excellent way to learn your body, your limits, your likes, your dislikes. It's also a way to stave off any carnal desires you have that can lead to rash decisions and regrets. I'm not going to pretend that sex doesn't happen here at Brighton House, but I'm also not going to advocate it. However, if you, for some reason, find yourself in a compromising situation you should at least go into it knowing your own body. Never leave your pleasure in the hands of someone else to guess at.”

  “Anything else?” This was a big one and I was scared to hear what she had to say, but I needed to get it off my chest.