Sheep's Clothing

by Josi Kilpack

  Caitlyn ran forward, and Joy pulled her into a hug. Caitlyn was always sending Grandma pictures and letters. In fact, sometimes Caitlyn reminded Kate of her mother.

  “Homework, kids,” Kate said, ushering them to the table. A minute later Jess walked in the door, scowling. Chris woke up, and Kate busied herself with getting him a snack. For the next fifteen minutes Kate ignored her mother, who sat at the table with the kids and asked them questions while they all ate the cookies Kate had baked that afternoon. Sharla and Keith, who had been more hesitant at first, soon opened up and began chatting with this new person they had mostly seen only in pictures. Kate looked at the clock. Her mother had only been there for an hour and a half—but it felt like an eternity. When the kids finally finished their homework, they disappeared downstairs, leaving Kate and Joy alone again.

  “Katie, I know I wasn’t a perfect parent.”

  Kate didn’t want this to turn into a “poor Joy” moment, so she looked up and held her mother’s eyes. “I know that too.”

  Joy pursed her lips and stood up. “But I took care of you. I gave you the freedom to be yourself.”

  “It’s called neglect,” Kate said. “You left me alone to figure things out.”

  “That’s not fair. I think I had a little to do with how you turned out,” Joy said, looking at the tabletop and tracing a pattern with her fingernail. “You’re independent and hardworking and—”

  “The reason I turned out the way I did is because I made sure every choice I made was the exact opposite of what you’d have done.”

  Joy jolted and looked up at her daughter. Kate held her eyes. “I don’t know why you came here, Mom.”

  Joy nodded and stood. “I came to see my daughter—someone I’m very proud of. But I guess I overstayed my imagined welcome. Tell the kids good-bye. I’ll have Gary pick me up at that café I saw on the corner.” She didn’t say another word, and the door shut behind her a few seconds later.

  Kate just stood there. After all these years she’d finally told her mother how she felt. Why didn’t she feel victorious? Why did it feel like she’d just swallowed a stone? Hot tears filled her eyes, but she didn’t know why. Was she embarrassed to have lost her cool? Was she mourning her childhood all over again? If only her mother were someone she could talk to, someone who understood Kate’s life. Was that so much to ask for?

  Thank goodness she had other things to distract herself with. “Keith! Caitlyn!” she called out. “It’s time to go.”

  She turned to find Jess standing in the doorway of the study. How long had she been there?

  “Why are you so mean?” Jess asked calmly. The question caused Kate to raise her eyebrows in surprise.

  “What?” she asked.

  “You told Grandma to leave. You told her that you hated her.”

  “I didn’t tell her I hated her,” Kate said, but her heart was hammering. It had never crossed her mind that someone might have overheard what she said.

  “I don’t think she’s so bad,” Jess said, surprising Kate with her candor.

  “You didn’t grow up with her,” Kate said. “She wasn’t a good mother to me.”

  Jess held her eyes for a moment, making Kate feel vulnerable and judged. The anger in Jess’s eyes, the sorrow and the . . . fear? . . . confused her. What was going on with her daughter? she wondered. She knew it wasn’t simply the way she’d spoken to her mother. But just as she opened her mouth to ask, Keith came bursting upstairs.

  “I’m ready,” he announced.

  Kate looked down at him, then looked back up at Jess, but she’d already disappeared into the study. She let out a breath, and for the first time in her life she wondered if she was making mistakes in her own motherhood that would one day alienate her own children the way her mother’s choices had alienated her. The idea seemed impossible—and yet, as the events of the last couple of weeks marched through her head, the thought wouldn’t go away.

  48

  ——Original Message——

  From: coltinator_51@yahoo.com

  To: jjk_hollywood@hotmail.com

  Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 3:29 PM

  Subject: Love you

  Jessie,

  I’m sending this to test whether or not you canceled your account—make sure you do. Like I told you before—everything will be different tomorrow. We’ll start all over again. I’m glad you understand how important it is for us to meet, how important you are to me. It will be worth it, Jessie, I promise. Today is the first step in the rest of our lives together. No one could ever love you like I do.

  See you in a few hours. If you get this message, make sure you delete the entire e-mail account.

  Your soul mate Colt

  He scanned the Internet café and waited five minutes, then smiled when he got the failure notice. The e-mail hadn’t gone through. Perfect. He quickly cancelled his own account, shut down his laptop, and returned to his car. It was time to go shopping. They’d need food, movies, maybe some games. Only time and distance separated them now.

  49

  ——Original Message——

  From: jjk_hollywood@hotmail.com

  To: emjenkins000@yahoo.com

  Sent: Wednesday, May 10, 7:39 AM

  Subject: I’m so nervous!

  Emily,

  Sorry it took me so long to write back—but anyway, I decided to meet Colt. I don’t think I was ever not going to, but it was just so BIG, ya know? Anyway, thank you for letting me talk to you about it. It was just what I needed. I’ll let you know how it goes. He told me to clean off my computer as a symbol of the new beginning we’ll be making tomorrow. Isn’t that sweet?

  Don’t be a stranger and wish me luck. I’m still really nervous, but he’s almost here now and I know I need to follow through. I think I’ve got it all figured out.

  Jess

  “Jess, are you okay?” Brad asked at dinner. She seemed tense. He looked over at Kate but she just shrugged—but it was a guilty shrug. Brad wondered what had happened.

  “Yeah,” Jess said, pushing her noodles around her plate. “I’m fine.”

  “Grandma came over today,” Sharla said.

  “Oh? I ordered her a new toilet, but need to put it in. I better do that tomorrow.”

  The kids started laughing, confusing him.

  “Not that grandma—the other one.”

  Brad lifted his eyebrows and looked quickly at Kate, whose face darkened enough to confirm what the kids had said. “Oh really,” he said slowly. “Why was she here?”

  “I don’t know,” Caitlyn said matter-of-factly. “But she is so pretty.” They went on to discuss this exciting new development for several minutes. Kate never said a word. Jess said very little but kept looking at her mother with an expression Brad couldn’t quite read.

  Brad tried to get Jess engaged in the conversation, but she wouldn’t give in. After a few more attempts to get her to open up, he gave up. Fifteen was so hard. He wouldn’t go back for all the season tickets in the world. Well, maybe New England Patriots season tickets . . . and complimentary airfare to get him to the games. He started asking Caitlyn about her day, and she didn’t disappoint him. Caitlyn was always interested in talking. After several minutes, and talking to each of the kids in turn, they seemed to run out of things to talk about.

  “I have something exciting to tell you guys,” he said. Kate looked at him and caught his eye. “Your mom’s going to have another baby.”

  “Really?” Caitlyn said, dropping her spoon and bringing her hands together as if she were in a Hallmark commercial.

  “Ohhh, I hope it’s a girl,” Sharla added. They all started talking at once, asking questions. Brad smiled, relieved at their acceptance. Jess’s response brought silence, though.

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  Brad looked at Jess, who was looking at Kate with an anger that surprised him. Kate looked between Jess and Brad as if unsure what to say. He cleared his throat. “Jess,” he said, “your mother and I ar
e excited about this new baby, and—”

  “Is that why you were sleeping on the couch last week? Why you guys have been acting so weird?” Jess suddenly spat out, glaring at him for just a moment. “Because you’re so excited about this?” She looked at Kate again. “You can’t even wait up for me after the dance? You tell Grandma to leave? But you’ll have another baby? All you care about are babies. Why don’t you just sell us off when we grow up!” She pushed her chair out, threw her napkin on the table, and stormed out of the room.

  The rest of the family was silent. Emotional outbursts just didn’t happen in the Thompson house very often. The silence was strangulating, and Brad tried to sift through what he ought to do or say. Jess’s reaction had taken him totally off guard.

  “Am I a baby?” Justin finally asked in a quiet voice.

  Kate’s chin started to quiver, and she shook her head. “I love all of you guys,” she said. She opened her mouth to continue, but finally stood. “I’ll be back in a minute.” Brad thought maybe she was going to go talk to Jess, but she headed for her own room.

  “Why is Jess mad?” Keith asked, returning to his green beans as if having his mom and sister run from the table was a daily event. “Is the baby going to share a room with her?”

  Jess, as the oldest girl, and Chris, as the youngest boy, were the only kids with their own rooms. The others shared. And now they were going to have another baby. Where would they put it? They would need a bigger car too. Brad hadn’t resolved those issues, but he ignored them for now.

  “I’m not sure why Jess is mad,” Brad said. “But she’ll be okay. I think she’s just surprised.”

  “And she’s a teenager,” Keith added, with his mouth full. “Teenagers are crazy.”

  “I’m almost a teenager, and I’m not crazy,” Caitlyn said, glaring at her brother.

  Keith just snorted as if he’d made his point.

  50

  Journal entry, May 10

  I can’t believe it—Mom’s having another baby! But I guess she’s got plenty of time since all she does is ignore me anyway. She doesn’t even know me but she wants another kid? Grandma came over today and Mom kicked her out. She hates Grandma—I bet she’ll be surprised when she realizes how much I hate her too.

  I’m glad I agreed to meet Colt tonight and you know what, I don’t even care if I get caught. I feel like such an idiot for being worried about it. This perfect little life she’s created for all of us stinks!! Colt really is the only person who cares about me. Even Dad seemed fine with another baby. Neither one of them thought for a minute about how I might feel. They don’t even care about me. I turn sixteen in a week—that means I only have two more years until I can leave this place. Colt says he wants to marry me—then we can move far away and forget about my stupid family. I leave to go see him in less than two hours and I’m too mad to be scared now. I hate it here.

  me

  Kate stopped in front of Jess’s door and took a breath. Kate had stayed in her room until after the house had gone quiet, leaving Brad in charge of bedtime. Now she had to confront this. She put her hand on Jess’s doorknob, then remembered the last time she’d walked in. She knocked lightly.

  “What?” Jess called. Her voice was angry. Kate had hoped for sadness.

  “Can I come in?” Kate asked.

  “Do I have a choice?”

  Kate flinched. “I won’t come in if you don’t want me to.”

  “I don’t want you to.”

  Kate felt her chin begin to quiver, and she rested her forehead against the door. The house of straw analogy came to mind, and she took a deep breath. “Jess, I’m sorry.”

  “For what, having another baby? I don’t care. Have all the kids you want. Why should it even matter to me? Maybe this kid will be skinny and perfect so you can be happy.”

  The level of rage took Kate off guard. “I’m sorry for not making you feel important,” she continued. “I love you just the way you are.”

  “Yeah, right,” Jess responded.

  Kate blinked. Where was all this hostility coming from? “Can I please come in so we can really talk about this?”

  Jess was silent for a few seconds. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.” The sadness was in her voice now, and Kate longed to hold her, to convince her of how much she was loved. Had she really made Jess feel that she had to be perfect?

  “Please,” Kate asked one more time.

  “You still don’t care what I think,” Jess replied. Her voice grew closer, and Kate imagined that she stood on the opposite side of the door. She placed a hand on the door, overwhelmed to consider that she’d created this distance between her daughter and herself—so much like her own relationship with her mother. The thought made her nausea increase. It might only be a door between them, but she realized there was far more than a slab of wood that kept them apart.

  “I do care,” Kate said, wiping at her eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk?”

  “Yes.”

  Kate closed her eyes and shook her head. “Just . . . know that I’d like to talk if you feel like it. I love you, Jess. So much. I’m sorry I haven’t told you that more often.”

  Jess said nothing, and Kate stood there for almost a full minute, hoping Jess would change her mind.

  “Good night, Mom,” Jess finally said.

  “Good night,” Kate said in surrender. “I love you.”

  More than an hour later, unable to sleep, Kate thought she heard something. She held her breath and concentrated, but she didn’t hear anything further. She placed a hand on her stomach and breathed deeply enough that it raised beneath her hand. There was a baby in there, and she hated that it was such a burden on her family. But it wasn’t the baby’s fault. It was Kate’s. She hadn’t been there for Jess the way she should have been, and now Jess seemed too far away to reach out to.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered into the darkness, imagining the words slithering through the vents into Jess’s room and repeating themselves into her subconscious. But the words weren’t for Jess alone. Maybe Brad could take a piece of them—and her baby. She pressed her hand on her belly again, hoping the baby understood. Rolling onto her side, she looked at Brad, reaching out to touch his face. It’s going to be all right, she reminded herself. Maybe they could talk this out tomorrow. It’s going to be all right, she said in her mind again.

  So then why did she still have that unsettled feeling in the base of her chest?

  51

  Jess stared at the ceiling, waiting for the footsteps upstairs to stop. It seemed to take forever, and by the time she realized the house was silent, she had nearly talked herself out of going. Not only had she never done anything like this, but she’d never imagined it before. Not until now. She was still scared, and her heart was beating so fast that she felt a little light-headed.

  She pushed one foot out from under the covers, then pulled back the blankets, sat up, and took a deep breath. Tomorrow the sun would come up just like it did today. She’d practice the piano, eat her Cheerios, and go to school. No one would know what she’d done, but she could tell Britney if she wanted to. The idea was hard to really believe.

  Jess pulled the note she’d written earlier out from under her pillow and laid it on top of her bed. The note and deleting all the computer stuff still scared her, but she trusted Colt and didn’t want to disappoint him. She liked the symbolism of starting all over tomorrow. A new Jess, a new Colt, a new relationship in every way. Unable to leave it out in plain sight like that, she tucked it under her pillow, just one corner of the pink stationery peeking out from under the blue pillowcase. It made her feel better somehow. She was still doing what Colt had asked her to do, but it wasn’t so obvious.

  She quietly slid the window open, and, having already removed the screen earlier in the day, it was easy to slip out and close the window behind her. As she did so, she told herself that if she didn’t do this, it would be one more way in which she had become who her mother wanted h
er to be, instead of who she really was. She thought of the conversation they’d had through the door and felt her anger rise again.

  There was more to Jessica Catherine Thompson than red hair, big thighs, baby-sitting, and Gershwin. There had to be. Colt seemed like the only person in the world who saw it. She needed to be with him. And like he said, it seemed that God knew it. Despite her breaking all the rules, going against her parents, and taking such a risk, He understood that she needed this—that she needed someone she was special to.

  She was out of breath by the time she pulled herself out of the window well. It had been raining off and on for the last few days, but she was glad it had stopped. She took it as another sign. She hurried down the driveway toward the corner.