Because of You

by E. L. Todd

  I had no idea what he was talking about. What did I say last night? What did I do? “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

  “You damn well know what I’m talking about,” he snapped. “Go home and think about it.”

  Think about what?

  Heath marched into his bedroom and slammed the door. It hit the frame so hard it sounded like a gunshot.

  ***

  The memory never came back to me. When I focused my thoughts on that night, I came up with nothing. All I knew was I spoke to Jasmine and we had a few beers. Where I went after that was a mystery. I don’t remember drinking excessively with her.

  Heath didn’t speak to me at work. He didn’t even look at me. At lunchtime, I thought he would come into my office like he usually did. But he stayed clear of me. He was really pissed off at me. But since I didn’t know why he was so mad, I didn’t think his hostility was fair.

  On Friday, I knew he would have to turn in his article to me. We would have to face each other, and there was no way it could be avoided. I was also moving into my new place after work, which happened to be in the same building. Would that be awkward too?

  At the end of the day, he walked inside and placed the hard drive on my desk. He quickly turned around, clearly having nothing to say to me.

  “Heath?”

  He turned around, his expression hard. “Do you have something to say to me?”

  “I don’t know—”

  “Still don’t remember that night?” he demanded.

  “If you would just tell me—”

  “You’re on your own, Roland.” He walked out and didn’t turn around again.

  I slumped in my chair, feeling more confused than I ever had.

  ***

  The gang helped me move my things. I didn’t have a lot of stuff, but it was still a lot of work to get everything up the stairs and into the apartment. The corners were difficult to get my bed frame around, and we made a few marks on the wall. The guys were helpful. The girls didn’t do much.

  Skye and Trinity sat at the kitchen table and ate the pizza right out of the box.

  “Thanks for the help,” I said sarcastically.

  Cayson carried a box full of dishes and placed it on the kitchen counter. “My girl doesn’t move anything.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

  Skye beamed and kept eating.

  Trinity played with her phone while Slade and Conrad arranged the couch. “I think it would look better over there.” She pointed.

  Conrad wiped the sweat from his forehead. “Then why don’t you move it?” Conrad snapped.

  “I’m busy.” She took another bite of the pizza.

  “Leave her alone,” Slade said seriously. “She’s barely a hundred pounds. I don’t want her to get hurt.”

  Trinity sighed in happiness. “I love having a sweet boyfriend.”

  “She could still help,” Conrad argued.

  “Then why isn’t Beatrice busting her ass over here?” Slade asked.

  “She’s in school.” Conrad wiped his face on his shirt. “That’s a lot more important.”

  “On a Saturday?” Trinity asked incredulously.

  “She has to study,” Conrad said.

  “What a geek,” Slade said.

  Conrad glared at him. “You want me to throw you out the window?”

  “I’d pull you with me,” Slade said.

  “Knock it off,” I said. “Let’s move the couch.” I grabbed one side and then shifted it.

  “Where’s Heath?” Skye asked.

  The mention of him made me sad. “He’s busy today.” I would normally tell my friends what happened, but I didn’t even know what happened. I didn’t have a story to tell.

  “Oh,” Skye said sadly. “He would have been helpful. He’s pretty fit.”

  Conrad came out of the kitchen and shot her a disapproving look.

  “What?” Skye asked. “Just because you know someone is attractive doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them. There’s a difference.” She turned Trinity. “I think Trinity is hot but I’m obviously not attracted to her.”

  Trinity twirled her hair and smiled. “You’re hotter, girl.”

  Cayson smirked. “I’ll let it go.”

  Skye shot him a flirtatious look. “You know you’re the only one.” She winked at him.

  Cayson stared back at her, the heat coming into his eyes.

  “Anyway…” I was sick of seeing Cayson and Skye be sappy together. “We just have to unpack everything and we’ll be done.”

  “We have to help you with that too?” Theo asked incredulously.

  “I bought everyone pizza, didn’t I?” I asked.

  “No, Sean did,” Conrad corrected.

  “Whatever,” I mumbled.

  We finished putting everything away. The girls finished their pizza and helped. In a few hours, everything was done. The move only took most of the morning and afternoon. Having a lot of friends was really nice sometimes.

  “Damn, I’m ready for a nap,” Slade said.

  “Me too,” Cayson said. “Baby, let’s go home.”

  “You want a back massage?” Skye asked.

  “Yes,” Cayson said immediately.

  “I want one too.” Slade turned to Trinity.

  Trinity looked at him incredulously. “I didn’t offer to rub your back.”

  “I know,” Slade said. “I’m telling you. You said being in a relationship made you entitled to ask for things. So, I’m asking for something.”

  Trinity rolled her eyes. “We’ve been together for a long time and you still can’t grasp it?”

  Slade shrugged. “Relationships are about give and take, right? I rub your feet almost every day, so why wouldn’t you rub my back when I asked?”

  “He rubs your feet every day?” Skye asked incredulously.

  Trinity looked cornered. “He does…”

  “That’s sweet,” Skye said.

  Slade shot her an appreciative look. “Thank you.” Then he turned back to Trinity. “So, back rub?”

  “I suppose,” she said with a sigh.

  Everyone left my apartment, and I turned around and surveyed it. It was so nice to have my own space. Now I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. My parents wouldn’t check on me all the time, and I finally had my freedom.

  I collapsed on the couch then rested my feet on the coffee table. When I was alone, I thought of Heath. He refused to talk to me and I didn’t know how to fix it. I kept trying to remember what happened, but nothing came to me.

  I pulled my phone out and tried to think of something to do to entice him to talk to me. When we first met, he said he loved watching plays. It was one of his favorite hobbies, including reading. I searched to see if anything good was playing, and found something on Broadway. It was the opening night, and I knew tickets would be hard to come by or expensive. I browsed through what was left. Unfortunately, the only seats left were the really expensive ones no one wanted to buy. I’d been saving my money for a while, so I had a lot stashed in the bank. I decided to splurge since I knew it would be an offer Heath would have a hard time rejecting.

  I headed to his apartment and knocked on the door. I hoped he was home, and if he was, I hoped he wouldn’t spot me through the peephole and decide to ignore me.

  I patiently waited, feeling nervous even though I wasn’t sure why.

  Heath opened it, wearing jeans and a gray t-shirt. He stared me down and didn’t say anything. It was a very hostile greeting.

  “I got front row tickets to see that new play, Fortnight. Want to come?” I held up my phone, which had the ticket on display. “It’s tonight.”

  Heath’s guarded expression softened and he glanced at my phone. “You must have spent a fortune on those.”

  “Yeah…it would be a waste if I couldn’t find someone to go with.” I returned my phone to my pocket and patiently waited for him to respond.

  He seemed to debate it internally. He was going b
ack and forth, wanting to hold his ground but also wanting to see the new play.

  “It’ll be fun. Critics say it’s the hottest play of the year.” I totally made that up.

  He sighed then gave in. “I’ll go.”

  “Cool,” I said. “I’ll pick you up at five.”

  “Okay.” He shut the door in my face without another word.

  I sighed, knowing he was still pissed. But at least he agreed to do something with me.

  ***

  I came to his door wearing a suit and tie. I’d only been to one play with my parents, and I remembered it being a fancy event. I hated wearing a suit, especially a tie. It was such a pain. But I sucked it up and did it.

  Heath came out then locked the door behind him. He was wearing slacks and a gray collared shirt with a black tie. He didn’t wear a jacket with it, but he didn’t need to. I eyed him for a moment, liking the way the colors looked on him. Then I pulled my gaze away, realizing I was staring.

  Heath noticed but he didn’t say anything.

  Wordlessly, we left and waved down a cab. Once we were inside, we didn’t speak. Heath didn’t seem as angry as before, but he didn’t seem thrilled to be in a car with me either. I wasn’t sure how to fix what happened between us. I didn’t even know what I did wrong.

  Once we arrived at the theatre, I paid the driver and we got out. There was already a long line so we joined it.

  Heath had his hands in his pockets and he seemed more interested in looking at the crowd instead of me.

  “How was your day?” I asked.

  “Fine. How did the move go?”

  So he remembered but didn’t offer to help. “Good. The guys helped me.”

  “That was nice of them.”

  “Yeah…I fed them pizza.”

  “Cool.” He looked at his watch then returned his hand to his pocket.

  “What did you do today?”

  “Played Grand Theft Auto.”

  “I wish I could have done that instead of moving a bunch of furniture…”

  “Well, at least you won’t have to move again for a long time.” He moved his fingers through his short blond hair then returned them to his pocket.

  I blatantly watched him then tore my gaze away.

  We finally made it inside the theatre and moved to the second row.

  “Good seats,” Heath said. “I’ve never been this close.”

  “Yeah…” I stared at the stage, noting how close it was. When the actors were on stage, I’d be able to see every feature of their face. If they had an acne scar, I’d know.

  There was no one seated near us, so I decided to corner him since he had nowhere to run. “Can you just tell me what I did?”

  He tensed at the question but kept looking forward.

  “Look, I apologize for whatever it was. I wouldn’t offend you or piss you off on purpose.”

  He clenched his jaw then strummed his fingers on the armrest.

  “Dude, you’re one of my closest friends. I want to fix this. I don’t want you to be mad at me anymore.”

  “I’m one of your closest friends?” he asked disdainfully.

  “Yeah…” What was bad about that?

  “Just a friend? That’s all I am to you?” He still wouldn’t look at me.

  What did that mean? My heart raced in my chest, thumping hard against my rib cage. Every dark thought I had came to the surface. Doubts had plagued my mind lately, and the longer I spent time with Heath the more confused I became. Ever since I found out he was gay, it was all I could think about. It fascinated me and made me obsessed to the point of insanity. I questioned my entire life and every physical relationship I ever had.

  Did I say something about that on that night? Did I tell him every doubt I had? What the hell did I say? Did I make a stupid move? I’d give anything just to know. “Can you just tell me, please?”

  He turned to me, giving me a hard look. “You came to my door, drunk and confused, and then asked about my date. You didn’t seem happy about it. Actually, you seemed pretty pissed off. Then you grabbed my hand and told me you never wanted to lose me. You lay on the couch and I lay beside you. And we fell asleep.”

  My heart stopped beating for a moment in time. My entire body shut down, unable to process what he jus said. I held his hand? I told him I never wanted to lose him? I was jealous.

  And then like a bolt of lightning, it stuck me. The memory came back. Jasmine’s final words at the bar echoed in my mind. The way I was hurt when Heath was on a date. I remembered coming to his apartment and telling him I wasn’t gay over and over again. Then I asked if he was attracted to me. Heath’s answer was yes, and I remembered feeling warm. Then he spooned me from behind. It all hit me at the same time.

  Heath stared at me, watching my reaction.

  “I remember now.”

  His eyes softened but he didn’t say anything.

  People took their seats around us, halting our conversation. I had nothing more to say anyway. I was in shock, unable to believe that really happened. Fear gripped me, and I realized I’d never been so terrified in my life.

  The curtain opened and the play began.

  But Heath didn’t look forward. He kept looking at me.

  And I looked back at him.

  ***

  I didn’t say a word on the way home. Coherent thoughts were lost to me. All I felt was bundled up and confused emotions. Nothing made sense anymore. My whole life seemed to lead me in one direction, and now the path was gone. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

  When we reached his apartment, I was pulled from my thoughts. I didn’t even recall how we got there. Heath seemed to understand that my mind was elsewhere because he didn’t speak or ask me anything. He just unlocked the door and walked inside. Feeling numb, I followed him.

  The lights were off and Heath turned on a few. The lights from the city were enough to illuminate the apartment on their own. He looked out the window and crossed his arms over his chest.

  I stood beside him and watched life go on outside the window. People were living out their lives, experiencing the world in different ways. Cars passed, and the headlights could be seen from miles away.

  Despite the pandemonium going on outside the window, it was dead quiet inside the apartment. I could hear Heath breathe, and I knew he could hear me. Whenever he adjusted his weight, I heard the sound of his slacks. His shoes hit the hardwood floor, making a light tapping sound.

  I was nervous and I didn’t know why. My heart wouldn’t slow down, and my stomach tightened in anxiety. I didn’t look at Heath because I was afraid to, but what I was afraid of, I didn’t know.

  Heath turned his body and faced me. His arms dropped to his sides and he stood still.

  I was aware of his look, aware of his eyes drilling into me. I didn’t turn his way because I wasn’t ready to. Minutes passed and he didn’t move. It was like he was waiting for something.

  Finally, feeling brave for just an instance, I faced him.

  His blue eyes were bright despite the dim lighting. He was my height, so our eyes were level with one another. I was aware of his broad shoulders in his collared shirt. I was aware of everything.

  Then I glanced at his lips, my subconscious mind controlling my actions. I quickly looked away, unsure why I looked there at all. I never looked at Conrad’s lips. I never noticed Theo’s built shoulders. But I noticed everything about Heath.

  “Roland.” Heath’s voice came out as a whisper.

  I acknowledged him by looking into his eyes.

  “Let’s not pretend anymore.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to understand what was happening. Had I always been this way and I was just in denial? Or was this new? Was I just confused?

  “Roland,” he repeated.

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s okay to be scared. I was scared too.”

  “You were?” I whispered.

  “Yeah. It
’s normal.”

  I shifted my weight, my heart pounding so hard it hurt.

  Heath stepped closer to me, his chest almost touching mine.

  I was aware of his smell and his closeness. I was aware of his breathing and how it changed, becoming stronger. His warmth felt like a distant fire, keeping me warm on a winter night.

  He came closer, his face close to mine.

  I didn’t back away or move. I realized I wanted this. I didn’t understand why or how, but I knew I did. My body stayed put and I waited.

  Heath gave me a moment to pull away, to turn back before it was too late. When I didn’t move, he closed the distance. His lips pressed against mine, and a sensation I’d never known struck me. I was immobile for a moment, understanding the rush of feelings. I couldn’t process every sensation and every touch. His lips moved against mine, and when I finally recovered from the initial shock, I returned his embrace.

  Heath became more passionate when he realized I was okay with it. His hand moved to my back and he held me close to him. I touched him in return. My thoughts ceased and I stopped thinking. I was just feeling every new sensation and touch. It felt wrong, but it felt right at the same time.

  The kissing went on for hours, and I explored his mouth with my tongue and lips. We migrated into his bedroom and lay on his mattress. Our heated embraces continued until the sun started to rise. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer and neither could he. We both fell asleep, still close together.

  Chapter Five

  Clementine

  I wore a black dress with a black cardigan for the orchestra performance. My hair was pulled back so it wouldn’t be in my face. When I held my small violin in the crook of my neck, it felt right. I played the music and didn’t look at the ground. I kept my eyes on the conductor, following his tempo as I played the music. The movement was natural to me. My fingers pressed into the strings, my callouses no longer hurting, and I put my heart and soul into it. If I had to take off my clothes for a group of perverts so I could do this, it was worth it. People could judge me all they wanted. I really didn’t care.

  When we were finished, we stood and bowed. The crowd in the park clapped for our performance and then we left the stage. Playing a small instrument was convenient because it was light and easy to carry around. I inserted the violin in the case then placed the strap over my shoulder. When I walked down the stairs, Ward was standing at the bottom. He wore dark jeans, a green t-shirt, and a light black jacket. The second I looked at him, my knees felt weak.