Lawless Love

by Rosanne Bittner

  She smiled bashfully. “Our human, sinful side makes us think of such things, Moss. But when that happens, I pray to God to help me eliminate such thoughts from my head.”

  “But why? What’s wrong with dancing?”

  “It can lead to other things.” She sat up straighter, trying to sound sure of herself. “A girl dances, wears a pretty dress, and she begins to think she’s pretty. That leads to vanity. Then perhaps she intentionally—or even unintentionally—flaunts herself in front of men, making them think lustful thoughts, and—”

  She suddenly reddened deeply, feeling flushed as his eyes again studied her form. Then he took her hand, and she did not resist.

  “Amanda, a woman don’t always have to dance for a man to think them thoughts,” he told her quietly. “And it’s not always wrong if he does. Didn’t God create man and woman for a specific purpose?”

  “Mr, Tucker, please!” she whispered, withdrawing her hand.

  “Oh, so now it’s Mr. Tucker,” he said. “What are you afraid of, Amanda? You think God’s gonna punish you for thinkin’ things that are natural for a young girl to think about? And wasn’t there a lot of dancin’ in the Bible? I mean, I’m no scholar on the Bible, that’s for sure. But I’ve heard tell them Israelites did a lot of dancin’ and celebratin’ to their God. And one more thing, Amanda,” he added, taking her hand again, this time against her will. He squeezed her hand lightly. “Look at me,” he told her.

  She met his eyes, her face flushed and her eyes seemingly wary now.

  “Amanda, just because a man looks at a woman lovingly, it don’t mean he’s bein’ lustful in his thoughts. There’s some women a man thinks lustful thoughts about, and there’s some women a man only thinks beautiful things about ’cause she’s special in his eyes. Very special. And what he thinks about her—it’s not wrong, Amanda. And maybe it’s even what God intends for him, or for the woman, to think. You have to give some things a chance, Amanda, and you have to understand the difference between lust and love.”

  Their eyes held a long, quiet moment. What was he telling her? That he loved her? Now she was at a loss for words. This was something new. Her body felt on fire as his hand kept hold of hers. He leaned closer to her, talking quietly so others could not hear the noise of the clattering train and the murmurs of others kept their own conversation private.

  “If men and women didn’t have certain feelings about each other, there’d never be no marriages and there’d be no more children in the world,” he went on, feeling an ache in his groin as she blushed more. “So it can’t be all bad. And I reckon maybe God meant for men and women to have them feelings. The secret is respect and love. Those two things make it okay, Amanda.”

  She finally found her voice. “I…” she swallowed. “I’ve never had any…experience with such feelings,” she replied. “You’re confusing me, Moss.”

  “I’m just tryin’ to make you see both sides,” he replied, squeezing her hand again. “You can’t make no final decision unless you understand both sides, Amanda. And you bein’ so inexperienced, like you say, you ought to understand a little bit about men and how they are. There’s some women a man don’t have much respect for. I’ve been with them kind, and I’ll admit the things them women do and the men, too, are bad things.” She blushed even more and looked down at her lap. He kept hold of her hand. “Sure, that’s sinful and wrong,” he went on. “And I expect I’ve sinned in just about every way a man can sin. I know I’m no good, Amanda, especially for the likes of you. But at the same time I’m concerned for you, and I want you to be able to make the right decision if some man should come along who loves you. You’re the kind of woman a man’s got nothin’ but respect for, and the feelings he might have for you—they’re not wrong.”

  She raised her eyes to meet his. “You shouldn’t say you’re no good, Moss. Everyone is good. Sometimes life leads people astray. But they’re still good at heart. In God’s eyes I’m no better than you, Moss.”

  A faint smile crossed his lips—lips that wanted very much to taste hers. He suddenly realized with an overpowering jealousy that he wanted to be the one to claim this woman—if she should ever decide to give herself to a man.

  “Well, that’s nice of you to say. But in my estimation, a man like me don’t deserve somethin’ like you. And one more thing, for your own protection: it ain’t true that everybody is good at heart, Amanda. There’s some men who’ll never be good at heart—never. There’s some that are just downright evil, through and through. I’ve known men like that. And you’d best be knowin’ it’s so, honey. Thinkin’ everybody is basically good is a bad mistake.”

  “But how am I to know the difference?”

  “Sometimes it’s pretty hard.”

  “And you? Have I made a mistake about you?”

  He looked at her silently for a moment. “No,” he told her. “I’ve done some bad things, but certain circumstances led me to it. I wish to hell now that none of it had happened, but it did. I wish I’d have met somebody like you a long time ago. But I guess you could say I was kind of born into sin.”

  “Born into it?”

  He let go of her hand and sat up straighter. “I was born in a brothel, Amanda. My ma was a prostitute, and I never knew my pa. I’m a bastard.”

  Again she blushed, but her heart ached for him. He sounded almost as though he hated himself—for something he had nothing to do with.

  “I’m sorry, Moss.”

  “No. I’m sorry,” he said, scowling. “I shouldn’t have told you that.” He sighed, disgusted with himself. “Just forget everything I said.”

  “Everything?” she asked.

  He turned his eyes to meet hers. “You make me say things and think things I ain’t got no right sayin’ and thinkin’,” he told her. “I’m no good, Amanda. I’ll see you get to California, and then you’d be best to go on and take them vows and be a nun like you planned.”

  “That will not be so easy now, Moss,” she said quietly. “You’ve given me things to think about. And you were right. It’s necessary that I think about them. I have to be sure.”

  His heart pounded with love for her. Was she saying she’d actually give consideration to one Moses Tucker? Perhaps that was too much to hope for.

  “You want to know something?” he asked her.

  “What?”

  “There’s somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to ask you.”

  “Then ask me, Moss.”

  “Well, it’s really kind of silly—maybe.”

  “Then ask me and I’ll decide.”

  “Well, I—I want to call you Mandy.”

  Her eyebrows went up in surprise. A nickname! No one had ever given her a nickname.

  “I mean, it just seems natural,” he went on. “I mean, you look and act like a Mandy, you know? You’re young, small, and pretty, and Amanda sounds too old for you. Mandy—that sounds nice, like the pretty little girl you are, you know? Only if it offends you, I won’t call you that.”

  She smiled shyly. “I—I’m actually flattered,” she told him. “I mean it makes me feel special, different.”

  He smiled again. “You are special.” He took her hand once more. “You’re very special, Mandy.” Their eyes held, and he squeezed her hand, looking around nervously at the others in the crowded car. “Mandy, I—I wish you’d come out on the platform with me, just for a minute. It’s so stuffy in here, and I have somethin’ more to tell you.”

  She felt a lovely warmth surge through her body, and her head swam in confusion. Her better sense told her not to go, told her what he wanted. Yet she found herself rising with him and going through the door of the railroad car and out onto the platform. Cool air hit their faces and she was grateful, for she was sure her cheeks must be embarrassingly flushed. He still had hold of her hand, and he turned then to face her.

  “Mandy, I wish—I wish you’d think about maybe—maybe doin’ somethin’ different with your life. You’re so young, so pretty.”

 
; She looked down and started to turn away and go, embarrassed and flustered. Then a big arm came across her chest, his hand at her waist. He pinned her against him for a moment, her back to him, and she trembled at the sensation of being held close, at the feel of his power, the touch of his hand at her waist and his arm across her breasts. Her heart pounded. She wanted to run but her legs would not move.

  “Mandy,” he said softly, seemingly both in desire and near worship. “You’re the nicest thing I ever met in my life.” He wanted to say he loved her, but was afraid to. He gently forced her to turn, and for the first time in her life her breasts were crushed against a man’s chest. She kept her head turned away as one arm remained around her in a firm hold, his big hand pressing into the small of her back. With his right hand he reached over and pulled up her chin. Her eyes begged him not to do this, but her lips were too inviting and he bent to meet them, parting them slightly as he broke in her virgin lips. He was consumed with a burning need to make her his own, with a terrible desire to make her want a man. He felt her respond for just a moment and her lips were sweet and delicious. He heard a light whimper above the noise of the rattling train and he pulled her tighter, kissing her hungrily then, wanting to devour her, invade her. But then she suddenly stiffened and pulled away.

  “Moss, please!” she whimpered.

  His chest ached with a terrible remorse then. How he hated himself! What kind of man was he to try to destroy such innocence, to confuse her mind with suggestions of things less honorable than were fit for her. And what made him think that, even if she did take a man, it would be a worthless ex-outlaw with no future. Men like Moses Tucker weren’t worth the little finger of someone like Amanda. His throat constricted and he swallowed, still holding her. He shuddered and took a deep breath.

  “I—my God, forgive me, Mandy. I’m just a worthless, no-good—”

  She gently pulled way, taking his hands but unable to meet his eyes. “No,” she interrupted. “It wasn’t your fault. I…let you kiss me. It’s all my fault. You apparently have feelings for me, and I’m sure they’re honorable. And I—I have feelings for you, too, Moss. But I must not let those sinful feelings stop me from doing what I must do. I suppose this is just another barrier the Lord has put in front of me to test me.”

  She stumbled slightly with the sway of the train, and he caught her hands tighter, then reached out and put an arm around her shoulders, holding her beside him and bracing himself with his other hand against the railing, looking out at the swiftly passing terrain.

  “I reckon if God was to use somebody as a tool to put sin in front of you, I’d be the best choice, that’s a fact. I’m sorry, Mandy. Truly I am. I need to know you won’t hold it against me, won’t be afraid of me after this. I won’t try it again, I swear on my life. I’ll see you get to California.”

  She touched her lips with her fingers, his kiss still burning her lips. It made her shiver with new feelings she had never before experienced. She felt so safe when he held her, so free from worry, fear, and burdens. It was easy to see how nice it must be to lean on a man for strength and comfort. But she had been taught to lean on no one but God.

  “I would never hold it against you, Moss. And I want very much for you to go to California with me. I’d be too frightened without you.”

  She dared to look up and meet his eyes then, and she saw the pain and remorse there.

  “It’s all right, Moss. Somehow I knew—knew why you wanted to come out here. And I came anyway, perhaps to find out something for myself.”

  He studied her eyes. “And what did you find out?”

  How handsome and rugged he was! “I—I’m not certain yet. There are so many things I know nothing about. I feel so foolish sometimes.” Her head reeled with new thoughts and her body pulsed with new feelings and desires.

  He touched her cheek lightly with the back of his hand. “Let’s get you back inside.”

  She smiled lightly for him and nodded. He took her back inside and they took their seats, both lost in thought and in each other. Amanda met his eyes again, and he was looking at her apologetically as Sollit Weber approached them.

  “Well!” Weber spoke up, breaking the spell. “Are you having a nice trip, ma’am?”

  Amanda looked up, almost startled. Moss scowled, irritated that Weber had interfered with this special moment.

  “Oh!” Amanda spoke up, putting her hands to her flushed cheeks and sitting up straighter. “Yes,” she went on, blushing. “The scenery in this area is breath-taking.”

  Weber smiled and winked. “Now you aren’t going to tell me you’ve been watching the scenery!” he said jokingly. “I’ve seen you two do more looking at each other than out the window!”

  Amanda blushed and Moss glowered at Weber.

  “I’d say what we’re lookin’ at isn’t your business, mister,” he grumbled. Weber laughed and Amanda frowned at Moss.

  “Moss, he’s just being friendly,” she spoke up. “After all, Mr. Weber did help look after me back at Salt Wells.”

  “That’s all right, ma’am. Mr. Tucker is right,” Weber said in a friendly fashion. “It wasn’t my business. Say, I have something to show you, if you’ll allow me.”

  “Oh?” Amanda asked.

  “Yes, ma’am. If you’ll let me sit down beside you there for just a minute?”

  Amanda looked at Moss, who was still frowning with irritation. He sighed and moved back a little to let Weber through, but only because he knew Amanda would think him rude if he objected. Weber set Amanda’s carpetbag on the floor and sat down next to her, still smiling.

  “Ma’am, I’ve got something here.” He reached into the side of his coat. “It’s called a Colt .45, ma’am.” He shoved the steel barrel against her side. Amanda gasped and Moss sat immobile, his mind racing. He instantly hated himself for not acting on his original opinion of Sollit Weber. How could he have been so stupid! There was something wrong with the man’s eyes all along. Now the friendly blue eyes were as cold as the steel of his revolver, but he kept smiling.

  Chapter Ten

  Amanda looked at Moss, her eyes wide with fright, her throat feeling tight. Moss glanced at her for only a moment.

  “You just sit real still, Mandy,” Moss told her quietly and reassuringly. His eyes quickly moved back to Sollit Weber.

  “That’s good advice, Mr. Tucker,” Weber told Moss with a smile. “This gun blows big holes. So I want you to do everything I say, or I’ll blow the little woman’s guts clear over to the other side of this car. Understood?”

  Moss glowered at the man, already vowing that Sollit Weber would somehow, someday, die by Moss’s two hands.

  “What the hell do you want?” Moss asked the man. Weber kept grinning.

  “Well, now, that’s real simple, Mr. Tucker,” Weber told him. “All you have to do is remove that gun you’re wearing, open the window, and toss it out.”

  Moss glanced at Amanda again. Her eyes were tearing, and she was rigid with terror. He began unbuckling his belt, infuriated with himself that he’d been so stupid as to not see through Sollit Weber. It only proved how infatuated he’d become with Amanda Boone. She’d kept his mind off the more important issue of watching strangers and seeing her safely to California.

  “I’ll tell you one thing right now, Weber,” Moss growled. The other passengers talked among themselves, oblivious to the fact that Sollit Weber had the barrel of a Colt .45 jammed into Amanda’s ribs. “You hurt that woman, and you’re a dead man! You might get off a shot at me, but I’d make damned sure you was dead before I went down!”

  “Just open the window and toss out that gun, Tucker,” Weber replied coldly. “You do like I say, and nothing will happen to her. That’s all that’s necessary.”

  Moss cautiously opened the window. If it were not for Weber’s gun being pushed into Amanda’s side, he’d make a dive for Weber. But any wrong move could make the gun fire, and Amanda would be dead. At the moment he had no choice. But his mind raced with poss
ibilities. He would not let this go unavenged. He tossed out the gun.

  “Now you’re being smart,” Weber told him. “You just sit back and relax, Tucker. Have a cigar or something. We have a few minutes yet.”

  “A few minutes before what?”

  “Before the others get here—Rand Barker and his men.”

  “Rand Barker!” Moss exclaimed, his eyes darkening more.

  “You know Rand Barker?” Weber asked with a smile, pushing on his gun and making Amanda gasp with pain. Moss’s knuckles whitened as he gripped the arms of his chair in rage.

  “You said you wouldn’t hurt her!”

  “Just a little reminder that she’d best sit still and you’d best not try anything, Tucker,” the man replied with a grin. “Now, what’s this about Rand Barker?”

  Moss glanced at Amanda again. She had not spoken, nor had she removed her eyes from him during the entire incident. He knew she was relying on him to help her, and he felt crazy with desperation. The woman he loved was depending on him, and there was nothing he could do at the moment. The worst part was that he was well aware of the traumatic effect violence could have on a woman as delicate and inexperienced as Amanda Boone. It wasn’t right that someone like Amanda should have to see this kind of violence. His only hope now was that whatever was going to happen would be done quickly and that she would not be harmed.

  “I know the man,” Moss grumbled, looking back at Weber. “Me and him had a little run in once. He didn’t like my idea, and I didn’t like his. I put a bullet in the man.”

  Weber’s smile faded. “Well, now. I’d say that couldn’t happen unless—unless you were an outlaw just like Rand.”

  Now Moss smiled. “You’ve got it, kid.” Their eyes held. Then Weber chuckled.

  “Well, now, that’s a good one!” he said casually. “Perhaps you’d like to join us, Mr. Tucker. You see, we’ve made a little arrangement with Raincloud and the Sioux. They help us stop this train and they get the rifles it’s carrying. Rand and the rest of us get the army payroll that’s aboard. And everybody is happy.”