Every Last Beat

by Nicole S. Goodin

  I can only control me, and right now, I want him to know exactly how I feel about him.

  “I am... I’m falling in love with you.”

  His answering smile is so blinding I literally have to look away.

  He’s ecstatic, and I’m confused.

  He reaches for my jaw and runs his thumb gently down the skin on my cheek as he tilts my gaze back up to meet his.

  His stare is so intense; I feel it all the way down to my toes.

  He leans in so our faces are only an inch apart. “I’m right here falling with you,” he whispers before pressing his lips against mine.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Rylan

  It’s so much worse than I imagined, but at the same time, it’s better too.

  Violet has been to hell and back, repeatedly, but she’s still here… living and breathing… she’s alive.

  She’s a fighter and I believe she’s already made it through the worst of what life will throw at her.

  Looking at her, such a bright, beautiful woman, you’d never guess the horrors she’s endured – the opponents she’s taken on and won.

  There are already so many things I can think of that I want to ask her in regards to what she’s been through, but I don’t.

  There will be plenty of time for that later. I’m not going anywhere and if I have my way, neither will she.

  I’m in this for the long haul, and if she thinks that her heart is going to make a difference to the way I feel about her, then she’s going to have to think again.

  The only thing I need to know about her heart right now is that I hold a piece of it.

  I can tell she’s worried, and I’ve got a feeling she’s expecting me to walk away. I don’t blame her for her insecurity surrounding what she’s just shared with me. I can’t even begin to imagine everything she’s been through. It literally brings a tear to my eye to imagine that she must feel that way for a reason – that people must have steered clear of her in the past due to something she has not an ounce of control over.

  I’ve had people avoid me too – leave me all alone, so I sort of understand what it’s like… but I also know that’s on me – I didn’t give anyone a reason to stay. Violet gives people all the reasons in the world.

  I may not have known her for a huge amount of time, but it didn’t take long to figure out what kind of a person she is.

  She’s open, kind, strong, warm and loving… I know I’m not the first person to feel this kind of love from Violet, but I think that maybe I might be the only man whom she’s not related to that’s ever been allowed to get this close, and that’s not an honour I’ll take lightly.

  Her lips are still on mine and she’s kissing me back with the fervour of someone who might never get another chance.

  That’s when it hits me that it’s probably exactly the way she feels.

  She’s just laid everything out bare for me – literally put her heart on the line and I haven’t said a word about it.

  I undoubtedly know it changes nothing about the way I feel for her, but she doesn’t know that yet.

  I pull back, breaking our kiss but she’s not done, she has the front of my shirt fisted in her hand and it pains me to think she’s holding on for dear life.

  “Violet,” I murmur against her lips as she kisses me again.

  Her breath is heavy as she releases me before resting her forehead against mine.

  Her eyelids are flickering open and shut and it takes me a moment to recognise that she’s crying.

  “I’m here,” I whisper. I wrap my arms around her and pull her onto my lap.

  I wrap my arms around her like a vice as she clings onto my neck and shoulders.

  Her small frame is wracked with sob after sob, and I just hold her as tight as I can.

  As much as it pains me to see her upset, I don’t bother telling her not to cry. There would be no point… she needs this release and after all I’ve just heard, she deserves a good cry.

  She deserves a lot of things, and I’m going to do everything in my power to give her all I have to offer.

  Bear wanders over and nudges Violet with his head. It’s a small gesture, but it warms my insides.

  She’s like a magnet; it’s not only me she’s pulled in, but this big dog too.

  She reaches out and strokes his head and reassures him that she’s okay, that she will be okay.

  He curls up at our feet and I smile.

  Violet’s sobs have subsided, and she turns in my arms so she can look up at me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologise for being human.”

  “I got your shirt all wet.”

  “I think I can live with that.”

  She’s looking up at me with her big crystal blue eyes, and even though they’re brimmed with tears, I’ve never seen her look so beautiful.

  She’s staring at me, searching for answers that it doesn’t appear she’s finding.

  “Why aren’t you running?” she finally whispers.

  I reach my hand forward and wipe away a stray tear from her cheek.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But aren’t you worried… don’t you have questions?”

  I nod. “I have questions, but they can wait… I’m not going anywhere, and no answer you could give would change how I feel about you anyway.”

  She opens her mouth to speak but no words come out, so I continue.

  “And as for being worried… truthfully, I am.”

  She sighs in defeat, like maybe this is the ‘but’ moment she’s been dreading.

  “I’m worried that I’ll lose you, and I don’t mean because of your heart… I mean because of your head. I’m worried you’ll convince yourself this isn’t a good idea and you’ll leave me.”

  Her chin lifts slowly until she’s looking into my eyes and I see the deep-seated fear she usually keeps hidden there.

  She’s scared, and rightfully so, but she doesn’t have to be scared on her own anymore.

  Sure, she’s got her family and friends, but until now she’s never had me, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I know I can’t make the things she fears disappear, but I can share the load with her – I can lighten the weight on her shoulders, if nothing else.

  “I worry about letting people in… it hurts me to think what will happen to those closest to me if I die.”

  She may have just told me all of the facts about her heart, and shared with me some of her most tightly kept secrets, but this right here is possibly the truest thing of all to fall from her lips.

  Her biggest fear of death isn’t for herself, but for those she’ll leave behind.

  That one sentence sums up exactly what type of person she is, and I fall a little bit further down the rabbit hole of love because of it.

  She’s got to be the most selfless person I’ve ever met.

  I make a vow to myself that I’ll never be someone she can push away, that I’ll never let her see herself as a burden to me, because she isn’t.

  I know her fears are justified, and there’s no point in telling her otherwise, because she’s right – loving her carries the risk of losing her, but there’s one thing I know for absolute certain in all this, and it’s that this is a risk I’m willing to take.

  Bear might not have a choice about whether or not he goes home with Violet, but I sure as hell do, and I’m not going to let her go without a fight – and if I’m honest, probably not even then.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Violet

  “So you really like this boy, then?”

  The unexpected voice sends me jumping in the air.

  “Jesus, Mum, you scared me… what are you doing in here? Is everything okay?”

  She’s sitting in my living room, making herself at home on one of my couches.

  It’s not that she’s not welcome, but she’s never done this before – I’ve never come home to her alone in here like some type of creeper. />
  “Everything’s fine. I was just waiting for you to get back from your date.”

  “Why? Why didn’t you call? How long have you been here for?”

  I strip off my jacket and toss it over the back of the seat before joining her on the couch.

  “I haven’t been here long, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just let myself in like that.”

  I’ve never been particularly concerned about boundaries with my mum before this point in time, other than with my paintings that is, but now that I have a real life boyfriend and I’m not a child anymore, I’m suddenly hit with the desire for privacy.

  My phone chimes in my pocket with an incoming message and I can’t pull it out fast enough. I already know it’s Rylan. He’s like a drug to me, and even though I don’t need him like I need my anti-rejection pills and my other daily dose of medication, I can feel myself beginning to rely on him like he’s keeping me alive the very same way.

  To: Violet

  From: Rylan

  Ever since you left I’ve been trying to convince myself I don’t miss you already.

  It’s not working.

  I can’t help the smile that spreads wide across my face as I read his words. I’ve momentarily forgotten all about my mum sitting only an arm’s length away, but she hasn’t forgotten about me it would seem.

  “Well that answers my question about you and that boy then, doesn’t it?”

  As I sit the phone down I can feel myself blushing. “I’m not sure he should be classed as a boy, Mum. A man might be more appropriate.”

  She raises her brows at me and I realise that I’ve just insinuated that I’m familiar with his manhood.

  I cover my eyes as I feel my face flaming even deeper red.

  Mum laughs at my predicament.

  “Not like that! You know what I mean… he’s not a kid, oh God, this is so embarrassing.”

  “So… he seems very nice,” she prompts me for more information, clearly not yet having got what she’s after from this little talk.

  “He is, and yes, I do like him… I like him a lot actually.”

  I don’t know where she’s planning to go with this conversation, but just in case she’s about to give me the birds and bees talk, I decide to get in first.

  “I know I’ve never had a real boyfriend, but I’m not fifteen anymore, okay? I’m a grown woman and I can take care of myself.”

  She nods her head in acceptance, but I can’t help but feel a little guilty that she’s missed out on that particular milestone with me.

  It’s a mother’s rite of passage to stress about their daughter getting drunk and winding up pregnant, but that was never going to be an issue for me. She more than got her money’s worth with Auggie however, so I guess it all evened out in the end.

  “I just worry about you.”

  She’s always worried about me and she probably always will, but at some point she’s going to have to let go and let me live the life she’s fought so hard for me to have.

  “I know you do, but I’m fine, really I am. He’s a good man.”

  “Does he know about your heart?”

  I nod, and it feels so incredible to be able to answer that question with an honest yes.

  “I told him today… it was like I’d confessed something as trivial as the colour of my eyes.” I huff out a laugh of disbelief. “Must be the doctor in him.”

  Mum smiles at me in a knowing way and I instantly feel like a little girl who still has so much to learn.

  “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Vi, and it’s got nothing to do with the fact that he’s a doctor.” She shrugs. “He’s in love with you.”

  The way she says it, like it’s totally straightforward and uncomplicated makes the heart in my chest gallop like a race horse.

  I might be too old for the safe sex lecture, but I’m not too old to talk to my mum about the new man in my life, so I do.

  I tell her everything about him and by the end of it, I’m well aware that I’m in love with him too.

  ***

  He might not have asked me anything much when I first told him about my heart, but he’s certainly making up for it now.

  He wants to know everything.

  Only, the questions he’s firing at me aren’t the ones I expected to hear.

  He doesn’t seem to want to know about my illness so much as he does my life – he wants to know what I’ve done with my new heart these past three years.

  So I tell him.

  “Before my transplant I was studying business.”

  He raises his brows at me in surprise.

  “Mmm hmm.” I nod. “I don’t know what I was thinking… I dropped it as soon as I was well enough to convince Mum I’d thought it through.”

  “What did you change to?”

  “I didn’t...” I shake my head. “I decided that I wanted to explore my real passion.”

  “Painting.” He nods in understanding.

  It probably should surprise me that he got the answer correct in one, but it doesn’t. He sees me, and even though he hasn’t seen any of my work – he already seems to know it’s important to me.

  “I signed up to some local art classes and some short courses. I’ve done painting, photography, drawing, sculpture, design… you name it, I’ve probably taken a class.”

  I taught a few painting classes too, but I decide to leave that part out. This conversation is teetering on the edge of dangerous territory as it is, the last thing I want to do is encourage him to ask to see my work for himself – because I’m not sure I’d have it in me to say no.

  “I could have studied art and gotten myself a degree, but what would be the point? I don’t need a degree to paint.”

  He’s smiling at me like he agrees with my logic.

  “So when you’re not working at the shelter, you’re painting?”

  I crinkle my nose sheepishly. “So, I don’t actually work there… I’m a volunteer.”

  “Huh… that’s cool. Do you volunteer anywhere else?”

  “Sometimes I hang out with the Heart Kids group I used to be a part of, but that’s about it. I’d love to spend some time in the children’s ward at the hospital, because I spent so much time in there when I was little, but I can’t. My immune system isn’t what it should be. Animals have a lot less I can catch.”

  I don’t go into details about the medication I take and how it suppresses my immune system in order to reduce the risk of my body rejecting my new heart – he’s a doctor and he probably understands my condition better than I ever could anyway.

  That’s when the thought occurs to me. He delivers babies, and the defect I have – I was born with. Someone like him probably brought me into the world.

  “Have you ever delivered a baby with a heart condition like mine?”

  He looks at me with a pained glance and my stomach flips.

  “You have, haven’t you?”

  “I have.”

  “The baby didn’t survive, did it?”

  He shakes his head. “The parents decided against medical intervention.”

  Tears spring to my eyes and I blink them back fiercely.

  That could have been me.

  If my parents weren’t as strong as they are – not that I think those other parents necessarily made a weak choice – they did what was right for them, but in my mind, the strength is in the fight.

  I’m so thankful that my parents chose to fight.

  “So, you sell your art?” he questions, no doubt in an attempt to distract me from the current topic of conversation.

  I laugh nervously. “God no.”

  That would require people to actually see my paintings.

  His expression is confused. “Sorry for the intrusion, but how exactly do you pay the bills?”

  He sits down his chocolate milkshake on the table, picks up my strawberry one and brings it up to his lips to suck it through the straw.

  This conversation was bound to come up at some point; I knew
it would, and it’s not that I don’t want to tell him, but discussing my financial situation always fills me with a feeling of guilt.

  “You remember I told you about my Aunt?”

  He nods. “Rita, right? She gave you the ring and the house.”

  I like that he hasn’t forgotten what I told him about the ring around my neck, and I appreciate that he recognises it’s just as important to me as the big, beautiful house is.

  “That’s the one… She also left me money – a lot of it. It’s invested well and turns over a pretty solid income, so given my medical situation and the fact that I don’t really know what I want to do for a job, I’ve just been volunteering my time and living off the money she left me, even though I don’t feel like I deserve that luxury most of the time.”

  If it was anyone other than him I’d be expecting a question about just how much money I inherited, but I know he won’t ask – he’s not that type of guy.

  “She must have loved you very much. Why wouldn’t you deserve it? She obviously wanted you to have it.”

  I think about the truth in his words for a minute.

  She did love me; she loved me like I was her own daughter. She’d been a big part of my life since the day I was born, and I know all she ever wanted was for me to have a real life. It’s a hard pill to swallow that I finally got one, and she’s not around to see me enjoy it.

  She passed so quickly and unexpectedly, none of us saw it coming or had time to process it. She never even told anyone that she was unwell.

  “She knew she was dying. She had everything all mapped out, her money, her assets, letters for us all… even her funeral was planned for us. She didn’t even look sick.” There’s tears pooling in the corners of my eyes and I know it won’t be long before one escapes down my cheek.

  He reaches out and intertwines his fingers with mine across the top of the table.

  “You miss her.”

  I shake my head. “Well I mean, yeah…” I sniff. “I miss her like crazy, but that’s not it. It’s the guilt that gets me. She left us a couple of months after I got my new heart. All that time she was unwell and the only thing she worried about was me and my family. She was there supporting us when it should have been the other way around.”