Every Last Beat

by Nicole S. Goodin

  “I’m sure she had her reasons for that.”

  I don’t doubt that she did – Rita had her reasons for everything, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to accept.

  “I just don’t understand. Why did I get to stay when she had to go? Why was my life deemed more important than hers?” I choke the words out.

  He squeezes my hand but says nothing – I think he knows I’m not really looking for an answer to my question.

  “In a way it feels like I’m responsible for two deaths,” I whisper.

  “You’re not responsible for any deaths, Violet.”

  He pulls on my hand so I look at him. His blue eyes are burning into mine with sincerity.

  “I know I didn’t kill them, but I benefitted from them dying, Rylan. How is that not the same thing?” My voice cracks as I voice my guilt. “A donor – someone I didn’t even know – gave me their heart, their actual heart. The very thing that keeps us alive was taken from their body and put into mine. I can literally feel another person’s heart beating in my chest.”

  “I’m not going to pretend to understand how it feels to live because somebody else died, because I don’t, but I do know that none of this is your fault – you didn’t ask to be born with this condition, Violet. This isn’t on you.”

  He makes a valid point, but it’s still something I have a hard time getting my head around.

  “I know they were going to die anyway, and that I needed this organ to live, but it’s just so conflicting to think about.”

  He gives me a sad smile.

  “And Rita, she gave me so much – she’s not just given me money and a roof over my head, she’s given me freedom. She gave me the means to do everything I ever wanted… she’s the reason I got to travel the world.”

  “You travelled?”

  I nod and smile. “I saw everything I’ve ever wanted to see.” I rest my hand over the spot where my heart it. “When I was stuck in the hospital, I promised myself if I ever got a second chance to live, that I’d tick off all of the boxes on my list, so when I got my new heart, that’s what I did.”

  I’m not sure if he’s grateful for the change of subject, or if the sights of the world is something that gets him excited, but his face breaks into a smile and his eyes light up.

  “Tell me.”

  “Lucy, Emmett and I went for six months; and Charlie joined us for a month over his summer break.”

  I sigh as I think about all the incredible places I went and all the amazing things I saw.

  “I saw the Louvre and the Mona Lisa in Paris, the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican City, Michelangelo’s David in Florence, Banksy in London, The Colosseum in Rome… we went to Vienna, Venice, New York, Barcelona, Mexico, Istanbul, Athens… if it had art, I saw it.”

  “I think she would have been happy to give you that, Vi. She didn’t leave you all of that because she wanted you to feel guilty, she gave it to you so you could live.”

  He squeezes my hand and I can’t help but smile in agreement.

  “I think the only reason you’d have to feel guilty is if you weren’t doing exactly that.”

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Rylan

  I wince as the giant dog bounds around my small living room, he knocks into a shelf and sends books flying all over the place.

  “Bear!” I groan.

  It wasn’t until I got him in here in this confined space that I realised just how big of a dog he really is.

  I didn’t even bother to ask if he was full grown yet or not – but he damn well better be, or we’re going to have some serious problems with this new arrangement.

  He leaps up onto the couch and begins to make himself comfortable in my favourite spot.

  I swing open the double doors that lead out to the back yard.

  The house might be small, but the yard is huge, and I’m hoping he’ll decide that his time is better spent running around out there than it is in here.

  “Out you go, boy,” I call.

  He looks up at me and doesn’t budge an inch – we’re clearly going to have to work on the command training. It seems the only person the big guy is willing to listen to is Violet, and she’s not here, nor does she know of my hare-brained scheme to surprise her, so I’m going to have to find another way to get him to do what I want.

  I grab one of the tennis balls off the table and suddenly I have his attention, I throw it out the door onto the grass and he damn near bowls me over chasing after it.

  I shut the door behind him, just in case, but it seems he’s been distracted from his reign of terror by the scents around the yard and all the objects that need peeing on.

  I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t think this through particularly thoroughly, but even though he’s turned my house upside down in a matter of minutes, I still can’t bring myself to regret my decision.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Violet’s face when we said goodbye to Bear last week. She was heartbroken. She knew as well as I did that a beautiful dog like that wasn’t going to stick around an animal shelter forever.

  Losing him would have broken her and I couldn’t let that happen. Violet’s had more breaks in her heart than anyone I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t allow her to endure yet another crack.

  Bear had a rough start to life, but thanks to Violet and the other staff at the shelter, he’s been nursed back to health, he’s put on some weight and he’s ready to enjoy himself.

  He and Violet have that in common, they’ve both been dealt a harsh hand in life, but they’ve both come out stronger for it.

  Maybe that’s why Bear chose her.

  Maybe that’s why I chose her too… maybe I need her passion for life to inspire me to do better – to be better. Maybe it’s time I came out stronger too.

  If Violet can live through everything she has and still come out of it with a smile on her face, then I don’t think I have a choice than to believe that anything is possible.

  I glance back out the window and see that Bear has moved on from peeing on everything and has now begun the process of digging up every plant in my small garden.

  I can’t even be mad – that dog makes her happy, and seeing her smile is going to be more than worth the mess.

  I glance at the time on my watch.

  It’s my day off, and Violet is about to start working a shift at the shelter for the next five hours, which means I need to get my ass into gear.

  I’ve got a fence to build.

  ***

  I glance around at the progress we’re making. I have to stop working for a moment to stop myself from getting all choked up about the support around me.

  I know they’re all here for Violet, and not for me, but I guess it’s just been so long since I felt like I was truly a part of something bigger.

  I haven’t felt like I’ve had people I could call on for a favour, for years, but it seems I do now.

  Emmett didn’t hesitate to agree to help me out and he didn’t miss a beat before asking Charlie and Shaun to chip in too.

  Even Leanne turned up to get her hands dirty, although I think she’s possibly got an ulterior motive for being here.

  She wants to know if I care about her daughter. She needs to know that she can trust me with her.

  She hasn’t said those words, but I can read the woman like a book. She wears her worries on her sleeve and her concerns might as well be tattooed across her forehead.

  I don’t blame her. Violet might have got a raw deal in life, but I can’t even begin to understand the things that Leanne and Shaun went through as her parents. It seems like an impossible situation to imagine, let alone witness those things happening to your own flesh and blood.

  I can understand why she’s protective of her daughter, and it’s up to me to prove that I’m here to stay and that I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt Violet.

  It’s my responsibility to show her that I’m capable of taking on the role of protector – not that Violet
seems to need it, but I think that perhaps Leanne does… I think that maybe she might need to know that someone is there for Violet, or maybe it’s just a matter of having someone to share the worry with.

  Whatever it is, I’m putting my hand up for it – I’m all in, and I’m hoping that this plan I’ve put in motion is the first step to proving exactly that to Violet and her family.

  Violet and I have spoken every single day since her confession by the river. When we haven’t been together in person, we’ve spent countless hours on the phone and every single minute I’ve spent with her on the other end of the line has had me falling deeper and deeper.

  She’s a complex creature with so many layers to unwrap and decipher. She’s like a puzzle you think you’ve got all figured out, but then you realise there’s a piece hidden under the rug you’re yet to even see.

  It’s what I’ve decided I love most about her, because it’s more than clear to me now that I do love her.

  It’s why I’m here – why we’re all here. We may all be very different people, but we each have one thing in common – Violet.

  ***

  We’ve still got a lot of work to do, but it’s a start, and hopefully it’s enough of a gesture to show Violet that I’m in this with her for good.

  I know she’ll be due back soon, and she’s bound to be upset over Bear being gone.

  I feel bad about convincing Avery it was a good idea to lie to her, but I wanted to show Violet this in private.

  Bear spots a bird in the far corner and takes off in an attempt to catch it.

  He loves it our here in Violet’s newly fenced back yard, and much to my disbelief, he’s not dug up a single one of her plants or peed on any of her outdoor furniture.

  We’ve still got the entire front yard to fence, but it’s something at least, and it’ll give Bear somewhere safe to run around for now.

  “I can sort that later,” I call to Shaun and Charlie as they restack the leftover timber against the side of the house.

  They both proceed to ignore me and carry on doing what they’re doing. They’ve done so much for me already and I feel guilty for hijacking their Saturday the way I have.

  Even Lucy is here now. She’s far too pregnant to do any type of lifting or building, but she’s kept the snacks and drinks flowing for us while we work.

  I can feel her watching me – she’s been doing it for a while now, and I know sooner or later I’m going to have to hear whatever it is she’s planning to say to me.

  Violet must be due back any minute, so I decide that now is as good of a time as any.

  “Just the man I’ve been waiting for.” She confirms my suspicion as I sit down next to her on the garden bench.

  “At your service.”

  She glances around at our day’s work, her eyes lingering a little longer on Emmett than anyone else as she takes her slow appraisal.

  “This is going to mean a lot to her,” she finally says.

  “I hope so.”

  “You mean a lot to her.”

  I know I do. There’s no denying the love in Violet’s eyes when she looks at me, and I wouldn’t dream of disagreeing with what Lucy said, even if I weren’t able to see the truth for myself. She knows Violet better than I do.

  “She means a lot to me too.”

  “I can see that.”

  Her gaze strays from the yard and lands on my face. She smiles at me.

  “I guess you’re expecting the speech where I threaten to hunt you down and kill you if you hurt her, right?”

  The thought had crossed my mind.

  “You should know I don’t assume anything when it comes to pregnant women.” I chuckle.

  “You’re a wise man, Dr. Wilder.” She grins. “I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about the little talk you and I would have… but after this I’m not sure you need to hear it.”

  “I won’t hurt her, Lucy.”

  She smiles at me again. “I know you won’t. You adopted a giant freaking dog just to make her smile – I think we’re good here.”

  I laugh as the dog in question leaps up at Leanne, slobbering all down the side of her face as she laughs.

  I might have got him with Violet in mind, but truthfully, I kind of like having him around too. He’s just another thing I have to thank Violet for. Lucy too – it’s because of her that this whole thing began.

  “I never got a chance to thank you.”

  She looks at me quizzically. “For what?”

  “For forcing me to agree to that blind date… for Violet… for all of it.”

  “That smile on her face is all the thanks I need.”

  Lucy’s looking past me; back up at the house and when I turn, I see the very smile she’s referring to.

  Violet’s hand flies up to her mouth as her eyes land first on Bear, and then on me as she realises what’s going on.

  “That’s your cue to get over there.” Lucy shoves my shoulder and I stumble to my feet.

  I don’t even make it halfway across the lawn before Violet flies down the steps and throws herself into my waiting arms.

  Bear chases after her, leaping and barking in excitement as he goes.

  “You adopted Bear?” She’s staring up at me, her bloodshot eyes wide in bewilderment.

  “Surprise.” I shrug.

  “You built me a fence?” Her voice is beginning to crack and I know it won’t be long before the tears start to fall.

  “I can’t take all the credit for that. I had some help.”

  I glance around and it’s only then that I notice we’re alone out here.

  They’ve all left us to enjoy our moment in private.

  “I can’t believe you did all this for me.”

  I shrug again. “You love him,” I reply simply, because it’s the only explanation I’ll ever need.

  She blinks back the moisture pooling in her eyes and smiles the sweetest smile at me.

  “I love you.”

  The earth might technically still be spinning, but my whole world has just stopped.

  I know there will never be another moment quite like this one. I hope to hear those words from her for a very long time yet, but I can’t imagine anything possibly comparing to this first time.

  Now I’m the one with teary eyes.

  “I love you too.” I choke out the words as best I can.

  She presses up onto the tips of her toes and I meet her for a kiss. It’s so much more passionate than any we’ve shared before.

  I may have spent all day building a fence, but now I can physically feel a wall crumbling down between us.

  She’s giving me another little piece of herself and I lock it away safely in my heart.

  “Thank you,” she whispers hoarsely against my lips.

  I could say so many things to her right now, I could tell her that I’m crazy about her, that I’m hers… that I can’t manage to picture my life without her in it anymore. I could tell her that I think she’s had my heart from the moment I first laid eyes on her, but instead I just hold her tight and soak up some more of her light.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Violet

  There’s not a lot of things I’ve allowed myself to have in the past twenty-five years.

  There’s my passion for painting and there’s my friendship with Lucy, but outside of my favourite hobby and my best friend, I’ve made a real effort not to take anything more from the universe – in a lot of ways I feel like I’ve already taken enough.

  I know I’m not responsible for the loss of a life, but I benefited from one and it often feels like the same thing.

  So I try not to take. Instead I do my best to give.

  But now, here in this moment, as I see the deep, unwavering love in his eyes, I know I have to allow myself this.

  I have to allow myself him.

  I’m entitled to live and love, just like everyone else is, and I have to give this everything I have, even though I know I’m going to receive so much more back in return.


  Rylan is here in front of me, figuratively naked, baring his soul to me.

  He sees me. The real me.

  My borrowed heart is so tangled up with his, it’s like they’re one and the same – that it seems like they’re beating together.

  It’s just the two of us and Bear in my big house, but I’ve never felt less alone. He’s everywhere I look. I can feel him all around me and I can smell his scent in the air.

  He lets go of me and tugs his t-shirt slowly over his head. The sight is so perfect it seems too good to be true. His golden skin stretches flawlessly over his tight, toned muscles and there’s not a mark out of place.

  My head is screaming at me that he’s too good for me – that I couldn’t possibly deserve someone this faultless, but the look in his eyes quietens my silent objection.

  He reaches for my hand and ever so slowly lifts it to the spot on his chest where I can feel his heart beating. My hand rests there as he mirrors the action, placing his own hand over my heart.

  I can feel the steady thrum of his heart and know that he’s experiencing the same.

  I fill my lungs deeply and as I release my breath, I let my hand wander over his chest and across the grooves of his abdomen. I feel him shudder under my touch and I revel in the reaction I’ve evoked.

  “Violet,” he whispers as he dips his head and his mouth briefly comes into contact with mine.

  There have been plenty of times when I’ve felt nervous in my life; I can think of half a dozen that spring to mind in an instant, and they’re all to do with my heart.

  This is too, but not in the same way.

  This is something new.

  This is about what my heart wants, not what it needs for once, and all that my heart wants in this moment, is him.