Offbeat

by S. Moose

  “Do you love Ryan like you love me?” I ask, gripping the glass of lemonade in my hand. “The truth please.”

  “Real talk,” she starts to say, “my love for Ryan is deep, but it doesn’t measure up to yours. The only thing is, Ryan’s not hovering over me like you did. I’m not a project to him.”

  “Are we really back to that? He wasn’t around when you were hurt and depressed. He didn’t have to see everything I fucking did, so explain to me how you can breathe around him.” She doesn’t say anything and it’s causing me to lose control. “If you don’t’ say anything Bay, I’m out of here. I need you to open your mouth and talk to me.” I get up and stand before her, pulling her up from the seat. “I know I told you the that ball is in your court and that’s true, it is, but I didn’t think I would have competition.”

  “You don’t.”

  “I do,” I quietly tell her, feeling the softness of her skin on mine. “I do and it’s killing me. I should walk away and let you go. The thing is, I can’t and I won’t. So, say something and talk to me before I lose my mind.”

  “I love you, Tyler. You’re my forever, but honestly there’s something going on with Ryan and I want to spend time with him. Yes, he was gone for two years and you had to endure my pain. He’s back now and he’s making things right. Can you understand where I’m coming from and accept it?”

  I’m not sure what she wants me to do. Standing here before her is hard and I’m ready to lose my shit. I don’t want to cry and look like a damn fucking pussy. I’ve cried in front of her before, but this time, if I do break down, I don’t want her to feel obligated to feel sorry for me.

  Reaching out, I touch her hand and force another smile. She looks at me with her big, gorgeous brown eyes and tilts her head in that cute way that makes me smile. I squeeze her hand tighter. I can’t do this. Placing my hands on her face, I kiss her with everything I have. Her body freezes and then immediately relaxes. Her arms wrap around my neck and our lips linger on one another. Standing in the middle of her kitchen, holding her, kissing her, wanting to feel her body against mine. It’s doing things to me and I don’t know how I will be able to stop myself.

  My lips trail down to her neck, smelling her, breathing her in, feeling her chest rise and fall from excitement. When my lips find hers again, overwhelming feelings rush to me when I realize what’s going on. She’s holding onto me tighter than ever before and meeting me kiss for kiss. Bayleigh pulls me closer and each pull shows me what she’s feeling.

  Her tongue twirls in my mouth, tasting me, exploring me like she’s never done before. My hand rests on the small of her back, going down to her ass. I hear soft moans and push my arousal into her.

  Immediately, I pull away. I can’t do this.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t,” I shake my head, “I can’t do this. This kiss means more to me than you’ll ever know. For a split second, it felt like we were on the road to becoming us again and I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I’m keeping that kiss forever.”

  Without warning, I leave her kitchen and rush to my house. Taking the stairs two at a time, I head into Ryan’s room and see him on his bed with his ear buds in. When he sees me, he sits up and doesn’t say anything.

  “Welcome home brother,” I seethe. Ryan pulls the ear buds out of his ears and gets up from his bed. “You’ve been back less than a month and you’re already causing shit. Do you know my fucking girlfriend is confused?”

  “I know. I told her not to be. I want you and her together.”

  “You dumb shit.” Swinging my arm with full force, I punch his face and watch him fall to the floor. “She’s mine. Why the fuck are you messing with her head?”

  He slowly gets up and wipes the blood from his nose. “I love her too. I told her we can’t be together and we have to be friends. I told her all of this. Tyler, she’s everything to me and everything to you.” His voice gets softer, “There are things you need to know and I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

  “Well, what the fuck are you going to do? Leave town?” He shakes his head. “The longer you stay here, the more confused she’ll be. Why are you fucking doing this?”

  “She’s the best part of me and I don’t know how to let her go.”

  I slump down to the floor and neither of us says anything. Two brothers who used to be best friends are in love with the same girl and neither one wants to leave.

  I’m standing in the middle of my kitchen confused and hurt. I replay his words and I have no idea what’s going on. I call Mandy and beg her to come over. I need girl advice and I need it now. This isn’t making sense. Why would he up and leave like that?

  A few minutes later, Mandy comes inside and finds me sitting on the stairs.

  “What happened?”

  “So, Ryan was over and we were outside, just talking and laughing. As soon as Ryan leaves, Tyler shows up and said he’s been waiting for me, but didn’t want to bother me since I was with Ryan.”

  “Okay.”

  “We had small talk and it got weird, then he kissed me. I mean like, out of this world, I’ll die without you kiss. Then he said he couldn’t do this and left.”

  “He . . . left?” Mandy repeats with a puzzle expression. “Just left. No explanation or fighting?”

  “Yep, just left. I don’t know what to think. I mean, it felt so good kissing him and feeling him. I thought we’d take it further a little, not all the way.”

  “Okay,” Mandy says, sitting on the stool. “So, how were you and Ryan?”

  I shrug, “Normal. We were laughing and talking about my bucket list. I’m not exactly sure what Tyler would have seen that made him act this way.”

  “Tell me again how you and Tyler used to be.”

  I sigh, “I don’t know. It was dark for me. I barely smiled . . .”

  “So the guy you’ve known your whole life couldn’t make you smile, but the guy that leaves you when you need him the most comes back into your life and you open your arms to him. And now he has you laughing and smiling.”

  Then it clicks to me.

  “I am an idiot. But it’s innocent. Ryan’s . . .”

  “Someone you’re falling for. Babe, you can’t have two guys in your life. You have to let someone go.”

  “But they aren’t mine. There’s nothing I need to let go.”

  “There is, though. You are developing feelings for Ryan. I can see it on your face. And you did tell me you’re not missing Tyler like before, so I really think the kiss was more like goodbye. What do you think?”

  I slump against the wall and slide down. She’s throwing my words back at me and I should be upset, but I’m not. She has a point. The kiss was incredible and a bit on the sexier side. The love that used to be there wasn’t as strong. There’s regret stirring inside of me, with a mix of sadness and anger. I’m scared of facing the truth. How can I be falling out of love with Tyler and falling for Ryan?

  “I need to figure this out,” I tell Mandy, “or else someone’s getting hurt.”

  Mandy and I spend the rest of the day outside sunbathing. My phone’s in my room and I can’t bear to look at it. There’s so much I want to explain to Tyler, and I can’t find the words. It’s driving me crazy.

  “Okay, enough moping around. Get ready, because we’re going out!”

  Five shots and three drinks later, I’m beyond drunk. Mandy and I can’t stop laughing as we dance to the music in the club. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until now. I raise my arms in the air and move like I haven’t moved in years. I used to love dancing and partying and now I’m not feeling the anchor tying me down.

  At the end of the night, we take a taxi home. Well, I take a taxi and Mandy goes home with Damon. I assure her I’m fine. When I step out of the taxi, Ryan is standing on my porch steps.

  “Ryan,” I hiccup, “what are you doing here?”

  “You weren’t answering my calls or text message
s.” He walks to me, putting his arm around my waist to help me up. “You okay?”

  “Better than ever,” I hiccup again, “hold on please.” I rush out of his arm and throw up in my mom’s rose bush. Oh, she’s going to kill me. Everything I drank is coming up. I swear if I’m ever near tequila, vodka and Malibu again, I’ll die.

  Ryan rubs my back and holds my hair. This is embarrassing. I want to shoot myself in the foot.

  A few minutes pass and he helps me inside and we sit on the couch. My parents are out of town tonight, so it’s just us. He hands me a glass of water and I slowly drink it. The cold water feels good down my dry throat.

  “Thanks,” I mutter, drinking more water. I turn to face him, needing to know if my feelings are truly how I feel and honestly, I can’t tell. Damn being drunk. “Why are you here?”

  “Just making sure you’re okay. Come on, you need to sleep,” he laughs, helping me up from the couch.

  “Where’s Tyler?”

  He shrugs, “Out with the guys. We had a fight and he got defensive, then left.”

  I slump down on the kitchen floor and let out a moan, “I’m never drinking again.” Looking up at Ryan, he’s standing by the counter, with his hands together. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

  “Of course.”

  Ryan helps me to my room and waits outside while I change into pajamas. Climbing into bed, he sits down next to me, on top of the covers, and looks at me while I lay on my side, staring at the wall. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I trust him, so I know he won’t do anything to me. I wish I wasn’t so drunk so we could talk.

  “I like you,” I tell him. There’s hesitation and question in my voice. “I didn’t think I would and I do. I’m not sure what you’re feeling, since you aren’t telling me. We hang out a lot and you’re super sweet to me.”

  “Go to sleep, Bayleigh. We’ll talk in the morning.”

  “Okay.” Slowly, I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.

  Watching her sleep, seeing her breathing, is everything to me. I wish I could be with her and make her mine. There’s so much going on in my head and her admitting her feelings makes things real.

  Since coming back to town and seeing Bayleigh again, things are easier and I’m falling for her like I’ve never fallen before. Loving her has been the only thing that’s made sense in my life. It killed me to leave her behind, but it was something I needed to do. If I didn’t leave, then I would have caused her more pain.

  She’s beautiful and sincere, her heart is big and there’s a sparkle in her that grows each day. I see her getting stronger and I’m glad I’m the one who is helping her.

  But there’s a slight distance between us. When she looks at me, I know she sees me, and she sees Tyler. The time we’re spending together is time that I’ll cherish. Without her, I don’t know what would happen to me. I know she’s falling for me and I’ve already fallen for her. It’s not the same type of fall. There are two loves in this world. A person is able to love two people at the same time and hold them in their heart. It’s the strength of their love that’s different. There’s a forever kind and an always kind.

  The forever kind of love is when you can’t see tomorrow without that person. You think about them all the time and your heart swells when they’re around. You find this love and cherish it until the day you take your last breath. This is the type of love you grow old with and join again in heaven to go on the next journey.

  The always kind of love is when you have breathtaking moments together and cherish the bond. It’s more of a friendship and there isn’t an eternity. You care so deeply for this person and want them in your life. Yet, you can’t bring yourself to say forever or take the next step.

  She deserves the best kind of love and that’s her forever love. We have fun together and there’s never a dull moment when we’re together. However, in her eyes and mind, she’s thinking about someone else.

  I get up from her bed, walk around, and look at the collage of pictures on her wall. She looks happy with him. There’s a picture of them on the beach. She’s in his arms and the sun is hitting her just right. She’s an angel in that picture, so pure and beautiful. I’ve never met anyone like her. Being a twenty-three year old man, there’s been plenty of women in my life. But no one compares to Bayleigh. Turning around, I watch her. She turns on her other side, tucking her hand under the pillow, with her knee up and her other leg straight. There’s no pain or stress when she’s sleeping.

  Finding out about my tumor and the chances of it coming back fucks with my head. I’m too young to die. The mistakes I’ve made in my life are shitty, but I don’t deserve this. How can my life be taken away so soon?

  I think about this for a while, turning back and looking at the wall with pictures of my Bayleigh. The tragedy she experienced stopped her from living, and I helped her breathe again. I know what it’s like to want to end your life when you have nothing to live for. I left everyone behind in Rochester. I had one more thing to do on my bucket list and that was to come back home, find Bayleigh and make her understand. I’ve done all that plus some. She’s so strong now and I know it wasn’t all on me.

  Bayleigh’s the type of woman who’ll smile when she doesn’t want to. She’ll never tell you that she’s had enough. I knew taking her to the batting cages and admitting the truth would help her. She doesn’t need anyone coddling her or treating her like a child. She needs someone who’ll push her to the limits and catch her if she’s gone too far.

  Slowly sitting on her bed, I move strands of her soft blonde hair from her face. Leaning down, I kiss her forehead.

  “Tyler,” she mutters, “I love you.”

  Stepping out of her room and outside to sit on the swing, my fingers grace the initials. I noticed it the first time I sat here. It makes it easier to let go knowing she’ll be okay with someone else. When that day comes, I’ll live in her heart and she’ll spend the rest of her days with him. I’ll watch over her and send her messages that I’m watching her and protecting her.

  The sharp pain on the side of my head grows. I groan and hold back the screaming. I don’t want to scare her. Breathing in through my nose and out through my lips, I think about Bayleigh and her smile. She’s made this whole process bearable. Despite the cold air, I’m sweating and my heart is racing. Sweat drips and tears rush from my eyes. Within a few minutes, the pain subsides and I’m able to sit back up.

  “Hold on, Ryan. Hold fucking on. It’s not time yet,” I moan, reaching into my pocket for the medicine.

  I need to hold on for a little longer.

  Heading back to her room, I slide under the cover and watch my beautiful angel sleep. She looks peaceful and calm. I love how she looks. I can watch her sleep forever. Kissing her forehead, I move down her face until I touch her lips. This moment will always be with me, in my heart and in my mind.

  “I love you.”

  Ty: I love you

  I stare at the message and think about texting him back. I’m feeling like shit this morning and I really don’t want to get out of bed. I know I have a lot to deal with and honestly I don’t have the strength to do that.

  Remembering how Ryan stayed with me plays over and over in my head.

  Do I love him?

  Do I want to be with him?

  These questions are on repeat and I can’t shake off these feelings. When Tyler left, I told him I’d wait for him and I love him. So how do I deal with all these feelings? Neither of them are asking me to pick, but I know it’ll come.

  Lately my mind is on choices. We’re all here for a purpose and have the ability to choose what we want. Sometimes that’s not possible and obstacles are put in front of us to block our paths. How does someone know what path to go on? Every decision we make will lead us to a different outcome. We can’t take back our decisions. It’s ours to live with, so how will we know if we’re on the right path to the right decision?

  I sigh and turn on my side, tucking my hand under my pillo
w, looking at the picture on my nightstand. I’m in the middle, in between Ryan and Tyler. Feelings are developing for one brother, and feelings for the other brother are strong. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be the wedge between the two. So, do I let them both go and move on with my life? What if one of them is my soul mate? There’s the decision again.

  How will I know?

  Refusing to stay in bed and dwell on this, I head downstairs to find Ryan in the kitchen with my parents.

  “Why good morning,” he says to me, walking over and placing a kiss on my forehead. He’s acting like nothing’s wrong and it’s bothering me.

  I look at my parents and see my mom silently awwwing us and my dad is smiling. Is this real life? I pinch myself and let out a yelp.

  “Did you pinch yourself?”

  “Hush,” I tell him, grabbing my coffee mug and a K Cup. Coffee. I am going to need coffee this morning. “So, you’re early.”

  “That I am.” He brushes by me and leans on the counter, looking at me, figuring me out. “I told Tyler.”

  Needing air, I walk outside with my coffee mug and sit on the tire swing in my backyard. This has been up for so long and I sit out here to think. When I’m outside, everything seems clearer. I think about life and how people can survive the unthinkable. My mind reels on what happened.

  I feel hands on my back. Ryan’s pushing me. “I told Tyler I love you and want you. I told him I know you both need to be together, but I can’t get you out of my head. I want to be selfish and make you mine. Only, I can’t be. So what do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.” He comes around and kneels down. “Talk to me.”

  “You told Tyler? I don’t get it. Why would you do that?” I try to hide my bitterness and maintain my composure. If Tyler knows and he texted me, then maybe he understands? But I know Tyler and I know Ryan and this is going to be a mess.